Give Me a Reason (10 page)

“Toni—”

“Oh, Christ, tonight was a huge fucking mistake,” Toni
shouted, storming from the room.

Quickly following, Laura said, “Toni, tonight was wonderful.
I had a great time—”

“Did you, Laura? Really?” Toni said, crossing her arms. “Tell
me, what part did you like the best? When you had to pry me out of the car to
go into the bloody restaurant, or when you had to order my meal because I was
too fucking
scared
to do it for myself!”

“Toni, you’re being too hard on yourself.”

“No, that’s where you’re wrong!” Toni shouted. “You see, I
know
where I belong and where I don’t!” Waving her
arms in the air, she yelled, “
This
is my life,
Laura. Don’t you get that?
This
is all I’ve
got. I don’t belong out there anymore, and I was an idiot for even trying.”

“No, you weren’t. You did great tonight! So you hit a few
stumbling blocks—”

“Stumbling blocks? Stumbling blocks! I’m thirty-four years
old, Laura, and I couldn’t even go to the loo tonight because I was so bloody
afraid.”

“You could have asked me—”

“What? I could have asked you to hold my hand? Just how much
humiliation do you think I can take?”

“Toni—”

“Laura, I want to you to leave. Just go home. Go
back
to your life and stay the
fuck
out of mine!”

Knowing that her presence was only adding fuel to the fire,
Laura reluctantly gathered her things and walked to the door. Looking over her
shoulder, she gazed at the woman staring out the window, and even in the dimly
lit room, Laura could see the tears rolling down Toni’s face. “I had a
wonderful time tonight, Toni, and if you need anything, you have my number.”

“I don’t
need
anything. Not
from you, not from anyone! All I want is to be left alone, so do me a favor and
leave me the fuck alone
!”

Hearing the door close, Toni watched from the window as Laura
got into her car and drove away. As it disappeared down the street, she rested
her forehead against the cool glass, her breath fogging the pane as she
struggled with her demons. Staring at the streetlights of the city, her eyes
filled with tears as distant memories of nightclubs, friends and dancing came
back to her. She was once so much more, but that person had been destroyed by
the vileness of inhumane beings wearing prison uniforms.

“Fuck this!” she blurted through her tears as she stormed
into the kitchen and yanked open the refrigerator door. “Fuck all of this!”

***

For the second Saturday in a row, Krista was up with the sun,
and after a quick shower, and a promise to Robin she’d be back soon, she headed
out the door. After stopping at a local coffee house, when she reached Toni’s
building, she took the stairs two at a time until she reached 3-D.

Rapping on the door, she waited and then glanced at her
watch, somewhat surprised that Toni had yet to answer. Since her release from
prison, Toni had been an early riser, and after a few more minutes of waiting,
Kris took matters into her own hands. Juggling the coffee carrier, she fumbled for
her keys and then let herself in.

The first thing she noticed was the air. It was thick with
the smell of cigarettes, and the normally cool apartment was almost stifling.
Glancing at the windows, she saw they were all closed, and then she noticed a
table lamp lying on the floor and several stacks of books were now strewn about
the room.

“Toni?” she called out, looking toward the bedroom. “You
awake?”

When she heard no response, Kris frowned, and as she tried to
remember if she had seen Toni’s car parked outside the building, she made her
way to the kitchen. Turning on the light, she was about to put down the coffee
when she saw the empty vodka bottle on the counter. In a silent whoosh, the
carrier fell to the floor, the hot coffee splashing on Krista’s jeans, but she
didn’t feel the burn. Bringing her hands to her head, she pressed her palms
against her temples and began to wail.

Chapter Nine

“Good morning.”

“Hey there,” Abby Parker said, turning just in time to see
Laura yawn as she came into the kitchen. “Did you sleep all right?”

“Yeah. Thanks for letting me stay here last night.”

“We were talking until three, Laura. I wasn’t about to send
you home at that hour.”

After leaving Toni’s, Laura had made it barely a mile before
she stopped the car and used her mobile to call Abby Parker. A psychologist by
profession, she was, more importantly, Laura’s best friend, and by the time
Laura arrived at Abby’s home, there were two glasses of Chardonnay sitting on
the coffee table. For the rest of the night, Abby listened while Laura talked
about Toni Vaughn.

“I’ve been thinking about what you told me about your friend,
Toni,” Abby said, sliding a cup of coffee in Laura’s direction.

“And?”

“First, I know you meant well, but playing amateur
psychologist is a dangerous game.”

“I was trying to help. She seems so alone and so hurt. I just
wanted to be a friend.”

A knowing smile appeared on Abby’s face. “I know you were.
You’re one of those rare people who would stop to help an injured animal along
the side of the road even if the poor thing was frothing at the mouth,” she
said. “And Toni is definitely wounded.”

“So what can I do?”

“There’s not much you can do unless she comes to you. And you
mustn’t invade her space again, because you saw what happened the last time.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Laura, that night when you went over to help her, her panic
attack wasn’t brought on by what happened at Calloway. It was brought on by
you.”

“Me?”

Reaching across the table, Abby took her friend’s hand.
“Laura, listen to me. Toni is fractured. She’s just bits and pieces where once
there was a whole person. She’s lost the ability to trust. She doesn’t feel
safe
anywhere
but in her flat, and from what
you’ve told me, until very recently she has shown little or no emotion. She
goes through each day, regimented to a routine that allows her to exist in a
world that terrifies her. When you intruded on her life by entering her flat
without
an invitation, she panicked. You see that’s
the
only
thing left under her control.
She
says who comes and goes, what books are there,
even down to the food she allows to be brought inside.
She
controls it all. When you went there that night
and walked in without an invitation, it pushed her over the edge.”

“Jesus, I didn’t mean—”

“Of course you didn’t.”

“So, that could have happened when I was sitting in on her
classes?”

“No, I don’t think so, because that’s not a safe place for
her.”

Laura scrunched up her face and stared back at the woman.
“Okay, now I’m confused. I’ve seen her teach, Abby. Trust me, she feels safe
there.”

“No, I disagree. If she felt safe, you’d see her roaming the
halls or visiting the recreation area, but she doesn’t do that. To a certain
extent, she probably feels comfortable in her classroom, but that has more to
do with her belief in her teaching abilities rather than having control over
the situation like she does in her flat.”

“You’ve lost me.”

“What she has when she’s teaching is confidence
not
control. She can’t choose her students
or
the questions they ask, but she knows she can
teach. So, she manages to overcome some of her fears and by doing that, she
becomes the person she used to be. You said it yourself, it was like she was
transformed into another person, when, in fact, all she was doing was allowing
herself to be who she is, or rather
was
.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Laura said, burying her face in
her hands. “If she can pull it together in the classroom, why can’t she do it
somewhere else, like last night at the restaurant?”

“That’s simple—fear. Without talking to her, and without
knowing what those bastards did to her, I can’t give you a definitive answer,
but you said that she’s afraid of strangers and crowds, and I’m sure that’s all
based on trust. She believes they’ll hurt her. She put her trust in the system,
in her colleagues, and to a certain extent, in the guards who were in that
prison to care for her. The system put her in that place. Her colleagues
abandoned her, and the guards mistreated her. And if it wasn’t for her friend,
Kris, Toni probably
would
have killed herself
that day, but Kris did what friends do; she showed her love and compassion.
Believe it or not, by
not
demanding she get
rid of that narcotic-laced crap in her refrigerator, Kris showed that she could
be trusted. And you, by being your patient and caring self,
especially
last night, well, I’d have to say that
she’s probably starting to trust you as well.”

“Then why lash out at me?”

“Embarrassment, pride, call it what you want. Laura, she’s
confused and she channeled that confusion into anger. Yes, she pointed the
finger in your direction, but she was angry at herself. For the first time in
years, outside the walls of her classroom and her apartment, she was doing what
normal people do…and she liked it. When you left the restaurant, all her
insecurities returned and reality slapped her in the face, and it hurt,
probably more than either of us can even begin to imagine.”

***

Sobbing, Kris ran to the bedroom, throwing open the door and
stumbling inside. The room, like the lounge, was warm and still, and the duvet
was smooth as if the bed hadn’t been slept in. Hearing the shower running,
images of a razor blade and bloody wrists flashed through Krista’s mind as she
slowly made her way to the bathroom. Holding her breath, she cautiously opened
the door and walked inside. It was only a few steps to the tub, but it felt
like an eternity before she was within reach of the shower curtain. Grabbing
hold of the green plastic, she whipped it aside.

If there had been a contest for who could scream first or who
could scream the loudest, it would have been a tie.

“Krista!
What the fuck
!”
Toni yelled, grabbing for the curtain to cover herself.

“Toni!”

“
Get the fuck out of here
!”

“Toni!”

“Krista,
now
!”

***

Sitting in her noiseless flat with lights extinguished and
windows closed, Toni aimlessly tapped the end of her cigarette into an ashtray,
the sides of which already overflowed with ash. She didn’t notice. She didn’t
care. She was single-minded. There were no more excuses to be made, no more hesitation
as she faced the inevitable. She no longer belonged among the living, having
died so many years before. She knew that now.

A brief flashback of dinner crept into her mind, and she
pushed it away, not allowing it to enter into the equation of the night. The
answer was cold between her legs, the bottle of death propped there an hour
before, and as she took the last swig of her warm beer, she dropped the amber
bottle to the floor and unscrewed the cap of the clear. Bringing it to her
lips, she hesitated as her doubt surfaced again. The continuous mental
masturbation that had brought her to this point again and again, but simply
existing was meaningless now. No amount of students or books could take away
her loneliness, but the vodka could take away her pain...couldn’t it?

She placed it on the table, returning to the kitchen to get
two more bottles of beer. There was no need for limits now. No need to save for
tomorrow when tomorrow wouldn’t be. She wondered if the hoppy liquid would give
her the strength to take the next step, and as she sat back down, she dropped
another empty bottle to the floor. The sound of a woman’s laughter echoed in
her head, a deep throaty chuckle filled with possibilities, and she grinned.
She couldn’t help it. It was only a small shard of time spent amongst the
living, satisfying a thirst she didn’t know she had, but the bar of life was
set too high. Toni brought the clear bottle to her lips again, minutes ticking
by as she sat frozen in her thoughts, and then a different terror entered her
mind...and she began to cry.

***

Toni tugged jeans over her wet legs, donned a T-shirt and
stormed out of the bedroom. Coming to a stop when she saw Kris in the kitchen,
she screamed, “Who the fuck do you think you are barging in on me like that?
Jesus Christ, Krista! I almost had a fucking heart attack!” Momentarily blinded
by her anger, when Toni realized what Kris was doing, she shouted, “And why the
fuck are you washing the bloody floor?”

The intensity of the morning caught up with Kris. Sitting
back on her haunches, she began to weep uncontrollably, her shoulders rising
and falling as her emotions overflowed.

“What the fuck?” Toni mumbled, kneeling by the woman.
“Krista, what the hell is going on? First, you scare the crap out of me, then you
decide to give my floor a wash, and now...now you’re crying!”

Managing to get herself somewhat under control, Krista glared
back and then slapped Toni’s arm once, and then twice, and then again. “You
scared the shit out of me!”

“Me? What the fuck did I do?” Toni said, rubbing her bicep.

Kris raised herself to her knees and pointed at the counter.
“That.”

When Toni saw the empty bottle, her entire body slumped. “Oh,
Christ.”

“I...I thought you...I thought you did it,” Kris said, trying
to hold back the tears. “I thought you were...” Overwhelmed by emotion, Kris
started to cry again, and for the first time in forever, Toni reached out to
her
.

Pulling Kris into her arms, Toni held on tight. “Sshhh,” she
whispered. “Sshhh, Krista. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d be here, but you
don’t have to worry. I poured it out. It’s gone.”

“You…you did?”

Toni leaned back and looked into eyes she’d forgotten were so
blue. “I know I should be in a room with rubber walls, and my life is shit, but
ending it isn’t the answer.” Waiting while Kris sniffled back a few more tears,
Toni noticed that several of the floor tiles were now much brighter than the
rest. “Hey, you made a clean spot.”

Looking at the floor, Krista frowned. “I brought us some
coffee, but I dropped it when I saw the bottle.”

“Well, why don’t I make us some, and you can go get cleaned
up?”

“I’m fine,” Kris said, wiping away her tears. With her
mascara and eyeliner already drooping, Kris not only dried her tears, she also
decorated her face with two large sweeps of black, one on each cheek.

“How am I supposed to have a serious conversation when you
look like a bloody terrorist? Go get washed up,” Toni said, getting to her feet
and helping Krista to hers.

“A serious conversation?”

“Yeah. I think it’s time. Don’t you?”

***

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Why Toni?” Abby asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it seems to me that there are probably lots of women
at Calloway who could use this kind of attention. What makes Toni so special?”

An excellent question, and one for which Laura didn’t have an
answer. How could she explain something she didn’t understand herself? All she
knew was that from the first minute she met Toni, she felt drawn to the
brooding teacher with the sad brown eyes. Rubbing the back of her neck, Laura
said, “I honestly don’t know. Maybe because she wasn’t what I expected.”

“In what way?”

“I pictured her as someone older, someone plain and rough,
but she’s not like that. She’s our age and definitely
not
unattractive,” Laura said. “Christ, that makes
me sound so shallow.”

“You wouldn’t work where you do if you were shallow,” Abby
said, getting up to refill her cup. “It’s human nature to gravitate toward
things we find appealing, thus the need for chocolate.”

Smiling, Laura took a sip of her coffee. “I think part of it
is because I know her history. No one in Calloway has her education or her
background, and to see someone who had so much going for them end up like
Toni...well, it’s sad,” Laura said with a sigh. “I guess I thought she could
use a friend.”

“Well, speaking from experience, she couldn’t ask for a
better one, but you really need to be careful with her, Laura. You and Kris
need to understand you can’t play doctor. If Toni wants you to be in her life,
to be a friend, you’re going to have to follow her lead and let her take the
first step. You can’t push her. You can’t even nudge, because if you do, she
might just break.”

“So I guess calling her is out of the question?” Laura said,
slumping back in her chair.

“Yes, it most certainly is.”

***

“Feeling better?” Toni asked as Krista returned to the
lounge.

“Yeah,” Kris said. Sitting on the sofa, she took the cup of
coffee Toni was offering her. “Thanks.”

“Thank
you
.”

“Thank me?” Kris said, eyeing Toni curiously. “What for?
Shocking you in the shower or cleaning your kitchen floor with gourmet coffee?”

“How about for taking care of me for the past few years, even
when I didn’t want you to; even when I told you to sod off.”

“You didn’t mean it,” Kris said. Seeing Toni’s eyes crease at
the corners, Kris said, “Okay, so maybe you did mean it, but since when did I
ever listen to you?”

Running her finger over a faint scar on her wrist, Toni
asked, “Why’d you let me keep the bottle?”

“You don’t know how many times I asked myself the same
question,” Krista said, leaning back into the cushions. “I guess I was banking
on the fact that I knew you better than you knew yourself, and I never knew you
to give up on anything
or
take the easy way
out.”