GLBTQ (27 page)

But the first thing you'll need to do is accept yourself. Try to resist any urges you might have to label yourself as odd or abnormal. This can be very difficult for some people. Being a trans person doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It's part of who you are and there is nothing wrong with that. It might take time to come to terms with being transgender, and you might need help to work through what being trans means for your future.

Even if you've realized and accepted that you are transgender, your process probably isn't over. According to PFLAG, unlike gay, lesbian, and bisexual people who feel conflicted largely as a result of an emotional dilemma, trans people feel conflicted because of a physical dilemma. A disparity between gender identity and physical self can create an ongoing struggle.

That continuing struggle can have devastating emotional effects, particularly if the trans person believes there's no hope for change or progress. According to a study published in the
Journal of Homosexuality,
33 percent of trans teens have attempted suicide. That's
one-third
.

Because you're working through emotional and identity issues that can be very complicated, it's important to get help. Here are some ways to do that.

Find support.
You might reach out to family members, friends, adults at school, or others you trust. It's important to find support from those who are nonjudgmental. The people you talk to should listen to you and your feelings with your best interests in mind, not push their own agenda onto you. Talk with those who will take time with you and who won't discount your feelings as “a phase.” Even if you have family and friend support, it's a good idea to talk with a trained professional at some point, preferably someone knowledgeable in transgender issues. Being transgender can evoke a lot of complex feelings, and it's helpful to talk to someone who understands that.

If you don't feel comfortable talking with someone you know, don't give up. A lot of resources are available to you. In addition to national organizations, many local groups support trans people. A variety of websites have bulletin boards, forums, or chats where you can communicate with other trans people. See “
Organizations for Transgender People
” for a list of resources.

Seek counseling.
Researcher and transgender activist Jessica Xavier advises trans people to seek counseling, not because something is wrong with them that needs to be changed, but because it's a way to get needed support. Therapy should be aimed at helping you understand, accept, and feel good about your personal identity. (If your counselor tries to convince you to deny your gender identity or conform, seek out someone else.) It's common for people to feel uncomfortable about gender issues and internalize fears about trans people. A skilled counselor can address these issues and help you understand that absolutely nothing is wrong with who you are. You might start your search for a counselor by contacting a local or national GLBTQ or trans organization.

After you realize you're trans, you might decide to come out. It could be to only a few close friends or family members, or it could be to many people. This is particularly important if you want to start living in a way that better reflects your gender identity. Transgender people who wish to transition their genders are usually forced to come out because changes are so obvious to others.

Coming out—whatever the circumstances—can be a stressful process for everyone involved. And just like coming out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, the people you're coming out to might react in many different ways. Some may be accepting, others might be confused, sad, or angry. (See Chapter 3 for advice on coming out.) The people you're coming out to also might be confused if you've previously come out to them as gay, lesbian, or bisexual.

According to Jessica Xavier and PFLAG, parents especially might have serious difficulties dealing with their children coming out as transgender. Some believe they're losing a son or daughter. When a teen tells family adults that she wants to live her life as someone of a different gender, they might experience feelings of grief similar to death. It might feel like the daughter they raised has suddenly been taken from them.

The people you come out to might not understand what it means to be transgender and may have a lot of questions for you. It can be hard for your parents and other people who care about you to learn that you have been struggling with such difficult issues. They might worry about you and your future. However, they might want to help and support you.

Been There:

“Coming out trans was the most nerve racking thing I have ever done. I had my doubts, but I had made up my mind it had to be done. My parents were shocked, as I expected, but they seemed to be happy that I'd told them. We talked about the possibilities for me for hours. They said as long as I'm happy, they'd support me in whatever I wanted to do.”
—Alycia, 19

“My dad discovered I was trans when he saw some sites I'd been looking at online. He eventually just said, ‘So, let's talk about what you look at on the Internet.' This was my cue to explain to him everything. He asked a lot of questions. He was very curious about me. He had done an amazing amount of research on the Internet himself. He looked up sex reassignment surgery doctors, including how much the procedure would cost. He found out all he could on hormones, and he even contacted a male-to-female trans person for information that might help me out. It did. It helped me out immensely just to know that there is someone who cares about me.”
—Amanda, 18

When you come out, it's important to let your family and loved ones know that resources are available to help them, too. (See “
Organizations for Transgender People
” for a list of transgender resources.) Many national transgender organizations will help you find local support via websites or phone referrals. Your local phone directory might list additional resources. PFLAG also offers services for trans people and their families and friends, including an excellent brochure titled “Welcoming Our Trans Family and Friends.”

One of the first things many transgender people do is change their names to better reflect their gender identities. As a teen, you can't legally change your name without a parent's consent. But some teens do change their names in practice, asking families and friends to use their preferred names.

Changing your name to one that reflects who you are can be a positive way to assert your true identity. It can sometimes be difficult to get people to take your name change seriously or to accept it. Some parents, friends, and school administrators will be very supportive and accepting. Others will reject the idea completely.

If you're certain that you are transgender and you're thinking about changing your name, here are some things to consider:

Come out first.
Telling your family and friends that you're transgender and, in the same breath, asking them to call you by a different name can be a lot for people to process. It's likely that they'll have a lot of questions about what it means to be transgender. If you can help them understand that, they may be in a better place to understand why you want to change your name. However, if your parents seem fairly receptive to your coming out, you might want to discuss your name of choice right away. It's up to you, but take it one step at a time and allow your family and friends to do the same.

Try to be patient.
Some people will be respectful of your request to use your new name. Others will not. Even those who are respectful will probably need time to get used to the change.

According to clinical psychologist Dr. Sandy Loiterstein, a name change can be very difficult for parents to accept. They may see it as a rejection of something very personal they have given a son or daughter. Changing names can also deepen the grieving process many parents of transgender people go through because it can emphasize the idea of loss.

If your parents are struggling, it can be helpful for you together to see a therapist knowledgeable about transgender issues. Counseling can help them understand what you're facing and help them adjust to your transgender identity.

Choose your name carefully.
Put some thought into your new name. Choose one that's representative of your personality or meaningful for you in some way. Also, it's usually a good idea to choose a somewhat conventional name. If you ask people to call you something outrageous, chances are they won't take you seriously.