Go Ask Alice (13 page)

Later I went to the library. Joel knew something was wrong, so finally I told him I’m coming down with a cold and feel miserable. (The feeling miserable part is true.) He said I should take some aspirin and get some rest. Life is so simple for straight people.

(?)

I don’t know what Jan has told all the kids, but she really must be starting some ugly rumors because now I get sneers and giggles which is worse than being lonely and ignored. I wish I could talk to Joel, but I’m not even going to the library to study I’m so uptight. I’ll just take some books home and work in my room. (My room will be my whole universe.)

(?)

Joel just called from the library because he was worried about me. He had talked to Dad’s secretary who didn’t know anything. I’m so glad he called, but I told him I was sick and wouldn’t be going to the library this week. (Oh, I am sick, I’m sick of the screwed up potheads and acidheads and all the other dopey dopers who are persecuting me.) Anyway, Joel asked if I’d mind if he called me every night, and I didn’t tell him that I’d be waiting by the phone but I will be! But you knew that didn’t you?

June 7

During the night Gran got quite sick. I think she just doesn’t care to go on without Gramps. She didn’t come out
of her room for breakfast. I took her a tray, but she just played around with the food. Tonight I must go in and visit with her instead of going to the library like I’d finally decided to do. Joel will understand.

Bye now.

June 8

I am so boxed in I don’t know what to do. Jan sidled up to me as I was walking down the ramp and whispered, “You better tell your little tail-wagging sister not to accept candy from strangers or even from friends, especially
your
friends.” But Jan wouldn’t do that! She couldn’t! No matter what she thinks of me she surely wouldn’t take it out on Alexandria, would she? Would she? I wish I could make her understand, but I simply don’t know how.

Oh, I would like to talk to Mom or Dad or Joel or Tim about this, but everything I do seems to make things worse. I guess I’ll just have to work it into a dinner conversation some way about vindictive kids who put acid on candy and gum, etc., and pass them out. Maybe if I tell them that a teacher was talking about a kid in Detroit who died that way, they’ll be careful. They’ve got to be careful!

June 9

I was walking home from the store and a carload of kids pulled up beside me and began shouting things like:

“Well, if it isn’t easy lay, Mary Pure.”

“No, it’s Miss Fink Mouth.”

“Miss Super Fink Mouth. Miss Double Triple Fink Mouth.”

“I wonder what would happen if we stashed some shit in her old man’s car?”

“Wouldn’t that be great having her father, the professor, picked up?”

Then they called me every rotten name in the book and roared off laughing hysterically, leaving me emotionally crushed and battered and beaten. I think they’re just threatening me, trying to drive me crazy. But who knows? Last summer I read about some stoned kids who put a cat in a washing machine and turned it on just to see what would happen. Maybe they really would like to know how Dad would react. They’re such a bunch of lousy crazy bastards I wouldn’t put it past them. But I don’t think they’ll go that far. Maybe if I just sort of ignore them they will eventually give up.

June 10

For the first time I feel absolutely certain that even if I were locked in a room full of acid, Speed, and every other upper in the world I would only be disgusted, for I see what it does to kids who used to be my friends. Surely they wouldn’t pick on me so unmercifully if it weren’t for drugs. Would they?

Today someone put a burning roach in my locker and when the principal called me out of my room even he knew I wouldn’t do anything that stupid. My new jacket has a big hole in it and some loose papers had caught on fire and smoked everything all up. He asked me to name anyone I thought might have done it, and although I suspect Jan, I wouldn’t dare tell on her, and I certainly don’t want to name all the dopers at school. I’d be a fine one to point fingers. Besides they’d probably kill me. I’m really afraid.

June 11

I’m so grateful school will be out soon and next year maybe I can go to school in Seattle and live with Aunt Jeannie and Uncle Arthur. I do wish Gran hadn’t sold her house, but sick as she is I guess I couldn’t have lived there either.

P.S.
I went to the library at the university and Joel and I sat out on the lawn for a while, but things just aren’t the same. Everyday everything seems to get a little worse. I wish Joel could have been Dad’s son, and that I might never have been born.

June 12

Tonight is the dance, but naturally I won’t go. Even George, who used to take me out, now looks at me with disdain or passes me by without even seeing me. Apparently the rumors are growing. I just can’t even imagine what they are saying or how to stop them.

(?)

I think the old grass gang is trying to drive me completely insane, and they are almost succeeding. Today Mom and I were in the market and we met Marcie and her mom. While they stopped to talk Marcie turned to me and said, with a beautiful smile on her face, “Tonight we’re having a party and this is your last chance.”

I said “no thank you” as calmly as I could, but I thought I was going to choke. Her mother was standing about two inches away from her! Then she smiled just as sweetly and
said, “You might as well come because we’re going to get you anyway.” Can you believe it? A fifteen year old girl from an educated, respected family couldn’t be threatening another girl in public, not in the nice, precise vegetable department. I thought I was going to lose my mind; that right then and there my mind was going to fall out on the floor and dissolve.

On the way home, Mom commented about my being so quiet. Then she asked me why I didn’t get nice Marcie Green to fix me up every now and then. Nice Marcie Green, ha! Maybe I am losing my mind. Maybe these things really aren’t happening.

June 16

Gran died in her sleep last night. I tried to tell myself that she’s gone to Gramps, but I’m so depressed all I can think about is worms eating her body. Empty eye sockets with whole colonies of writhing maggots. I can no longer eat. The whole house is crazy with everyone worrying about the funeral. Poor Mom, two parents in two months! How can she stand it? I think I’d die if I lost my parents right now. I’ve been trying to help her and to make things easier, but I’m so exhausted I have to force myself to take every step.

June 17

Joel heard about Gran dying and called to tell me how sorry he was. He really gave me a lot of strength and offered to come over tomorrow after the funeral. I’m so glad he’s coming. I’m going to need him.

June 19

I think the one thing that helped me hold on today was knowing that Joel would be waiting. Everytime I wanted to cry I kept thinking about him sitting in our living room and it made things better. I wish Mom had had something to think about because she was really upset. I’ve never seen her in such bad shape. Dad tried his best, but I don’t think he really reached her.

When we got home, Joel and I sat in the back yard and talked for a long time. His father died when he was seven and since then he’s thought a lot about death and about life. His feelings and ideas are so mature I can hardly believe he isn’t a hundred thousand years old! He’s also a very spiritual kind of person, not really religious but spiritual, and he feels very deeply. I think most kids in our generation do. Even on drug trips, many kids think they see God or that they are communing with heavenly things. Anyway when Joel left, he kissed me very tenderly on the lips for the first time. He is so good and fine that I hope someday we can have each other. I really do.

The worst thing about today was seeing soft, frail Gran lowered into that dark, endless hole. It seemed to swallow her up and when they threw dirt on the coffin, I thought I was going to scream. But Joel said not to think about that because that isn’t what death really means and I guess he’s right. I just can’t think about it.

June 20

There are many social things going on now that school is out, and I try not to be hurt because I can’t be included. I guess it’s sort of indecent to want to go now that Gran has
just died. But to tell you the truth, dear friend Diary, I’m tired of being left out and pretending it doesn’t hurt. I’m so tired that sometimes I just want to run away again and never come back.

June 22

Last night a bunch of kids were picked up at a party and today they’re blaming it on me. Jan rubbed up against me in the drugstore and told me that this time I wasn’t going to get away with this finking shit. I tried to tell her that I didn’t know anything about it, but as usual she wouldn’t listen.

I don’t know what I’m going to do if they start on me again. I really don’t think I can take it, even with Joel and my family behind me. It’s just too much.

June 23

Everything is wrong and I can’t go on anymore. I really can’t! Today I was just walking down the street by the park when a boy I don’t even know grabbed me and threatened me. He kept pulling on my arm and twisting it and calling me every rotten thing in the world. Lots of kids were walking by and I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. Who would help me? The straight kids don’t even know I’m alive. Then he pushed me around to the back of the clump of bushes and kissed me. It was totally humiliating and disgusting. He pushed his tongue into my mouth and he just kept rolling it around until I was crying and gagging. Then he said that all I needed was a good fuck and that I’d better not tell anyone or he’d come back and really talk things over with me.

I was so frightened I ran to Mr. _____’s law office and asked him to drive me home. He and Mom thought I was sick and she put me to bed. I am sick. Even now I can’t stop throwing up and I can’t concentrate. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I can’t tell Mom, after Gran and Gramps this would be the last straw. Oh, what am I going to do!

A car just drove by with its lights flashing and the horn blaring and the whole family ran outside to see what was going on, except me. I don’t care anymore.

June 24

This morning at breakfast I told the family that I was really being pushed again by the kids. Dad offered to go and talk to some of the parents, but I begged him not to because it would just make things worse. I even told Dad to lock his car because someone threatened to plant marijuana in it. Of course, I had to warn Tim and Alex again, but nothing helps. I feel like we’re under seige and no one else seems to be taking it very seriously. Dad really thinks the kids are just putting me me on and that they wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I couldn’t tell him what happened yesterday, so I guess I’ll just have to let him go on thinking that everything is really okay.

Later

Sweet Mom drove me to the university this afternoon to see Joel. She said she had to pick some things up at Dad’s office, but I know she was just being thoughtful. She’s really very nice.

After I talked with Joel for a while, I don’t know why I
did it, but I asked him to walk with me and with a completely disintegrated heart, I told him the partial truth. I didn’t mean to tell him, but now I guess I’m glad I did. His reaction was just like I always knew it would be. He said that he really cared about me and that he was sure I could handle it because I was basically a good and strong person. Maybe he just said that because he’s going home now that the university renovation is over, but he gave me the gold watch his father had given him and I gave him Gran’s ring. It was awful. And now I feel like the grayness in all the gray days in the world.

June 25

Today our area was a nut house with everyone running around preparing for tonight’s annual “School Is Out” bash. None of the grass gang paid the least attention to me and I am glad. Maybe they’ve got another project. It’s strange that a big high school like this can be divided into two completely different worlds which seem to know nothing about each other. Or are there many worlds? Is the school actually like a minor galaxy, with a little world for each minority group and one for the poor kids and one for the rich kids, and one for the dopers, or maybe even one for the priviledged dopers and one for the dopers who come from not so wealthy backgrounds? All of us being completely unaware of the other worlds until a person tries to step from one sphere to the other. Is that the sin? Or is the real problem in trying to get back to the original globe? Surely all kids who have experimented with drugs don’t have this problem, or do they? I guess I shall find out in the future, at least I can try. Chris was lucky, her folks just moved to a town where no one knew her.

P.S.
I saw three of the square kids and they asked me if I were going to the bash and everything. Maybe the ice is breaking. I hope, I hope.

June 27

I didn’t wake up until 11:30 and I feel so wonderful I could burst. The birds are chirping outside my window. It’s summer, dear friend, and I’m alive and well and happy in my own dear bed. Hooray for me! ! ! ! I think I’m going to go to summer school and take some extra courses. Then maybe next summer I can take some summer classes on the university campus. Won’t that be fun!

July 1

Imagine the first day of July. I wish Joel were here to see how lovely everything is. He writes very lonely letters already. His mother sounds sweet, but apparently she isn’t very intellectual and he longs to have someone to talk to like my mother and father who are very stimulating. He made me promise to enjoy and appreciate them enough for both of us. I stopped taking piano lessons many months ago and I started again today. My teacher gave me an incredibly difficult concerto, but I guess I’ll eventually catch on. I want Joel to be proud of my musical abilities as well as other things!

P.S.
Tim and I took a long walk yesterday and we saw Jan at the drugstore and Marcie in the park and neither one of them paid any attention to me. Yahoo! I guess now
that school is over they’ve given up on me. They’ve given up on me and I can finally be really free. Won’t that be the most wonderful of glorious feelings in the entire universe? I’m so happy I could die.