Go Ask Alice (12 page)

May 5

Gramps died during the night. The day after tomorrow Doctor _____ from the university is going to take Tim and Alex and me to the airport and we’ll fly to his funeral. It seems unbelievable that I will never see Gramps again. I wonder what has happened to him. I hope he’s not just cold and dead. I can’t bring myself to think of Gramps’ body being eaten by worms and maggots. I just can’t bear to think that. Maybe the embalming fluid they use just cause the body to disintegrate into dust. Oh, I surely hope so.

May 8

I couldn’t believe
that
was Gramps lying in the casket. It was just a tired, drained, skeleton covered by skin. Oh, I’ve seen dead frogs and birds and lizards and Easter chickens, but this was such a shock! It seemed unreal. It was almost like a bad trip. I’m so grateful I never had a bummer. But maybe if my first trip had been, I wouldn’t have taken any more. In that respect I wish it had. Gran seemed so calm and loving. She had one arm around my shoulder and one around Alexandria’s. Precious, strong
Gran, even during the long, long, long, long, long funeral she didn’t cry. She just sat there with her head bowed. It was a strange almost eerie thing but I felt as though Gramps was there beside her. I talked to Tim about it later and he felt exactly the same way.

When they lowered Gramps’ body into the ground, that was the worst part. That was positively the worst part in the whole world. Alexandria and I cried even though none of the rest of the family did. I tried to be as strong and controlled as they are, but I just simply couldn’t. Mom and Gran and Dad dabbed at their eyes occasionally and Tim kept sniffing, and of course Alex is a little girl, but me, well, naturally I made a spectacle of myself again!

May 9

Gran is going home with us tonight and she’ll stay till school is out. Then I’ll come back with her and help her get organized to move in with us until she can find a little apartment close by.

I don’t know when I have ever been so tired in my life. I can’t even imagine how Gran holds up because I can barely move. All of us look as though we have been endlessly ill. Even little Alex is dragging. I wonder how long it will take us to adjust to life without Gramps? Will we ever be the same? How will dear, precious Gran manage? When she gets into her new apartment I’m going to stay with her often and take her to movies and go on long walks with her and things.

May 12

This morning I looked out the window and saw new green popping through the soil and I started crying
uncontrollably again. I don’t really understand the resurrection. I can’t even conceive how Gramps’ body which will decay and sour and mold and mildew and fall into crumbling little bits can ever come back together again. But I can’t understand how a brown dried-up, shriveled little gladiola bulb can reblossom either. I guess that God can put atoms and molecules and bodies together again if a gladiola bulb without even a brain can do it. This really makes me feel a lot better, and I don’t know how I could ever expect to understand death when I can’t even understand television or electricity, or even stereo for that matter. In fact I understand so little I don’t know how I even exist.

I once read somewhere that man uses less than a tenth (I think) of his brain capacity. Imagine having 90 percent more thinking ability, and using every bit of it. That would be simply glorious! Imagine what a perfectly marvelous planet this would be if minds were 90 times more efficient than they are now?

May 14

I had a nightmare last night about Gramps’ body all filled with maggots and worms, and I thought about what would happen if I should die. Worms don’t make distinction under the ground. They wouldn’t care that I’m young and that my flesh is solid and firm. Thank goodness Mom heard me moaning and came in and helped me get hold of myself. Then we went and got some hot milk, but I was still crawling and I couldn’t tell her what had happened. I’m sure she thought it had something to do with the times I ran away, but I couldn’t tell her because this was even more horrible.

I was still shivering after the milk, so we both put on shoes and walked around the yard. It was chilly even with
our robes over our night clothes, but we talked about a lot of things including my becoming a social worker or something in that area, and Mom is very pleased that I want to help other people. She is really very understanding. Everybody should be as lucky as I am.

May 15

I have to force myself to concentrate in school. I didn’t know that death took so much out of people. I feel completely drained still and have to force myself into everything I do.

May 16

Today Dad took me to an anti-war rally at the university. He is very worried and upset about the students and talked to me as though I were an adult. I really enjoyed it. Daddy is not as worried about the militant students (who he thinks should be dealt with very harshly) as he is about the kids who could be easily led into wrong thinking. I’m worried about them too. i’m worried about me!

Later we went over to see Doctor _____ who is also really concerned about the younger generation. He talked a lot about where kids are going and then he rattled off some statistics that really surprised me. I can’t remember half of what he said he talked so fast, but there were things like: 1,000 college-age kids commit suicide every year and another 9,000 try to. VD has gone up 25% among kids my age and pregnancies are really growing, even with the pill. He also said that crime and mental illness among kids has skyrocketed. In fact, everything he said was worse than the thing before it.

When we left I don’t know whether I felt better about what I’ve done because so many other people are caught up in the same thing or worse because everybody’s going crazy at once. But to tell you the truth, I really don’t think the kids can be blamed for screwing up, at least not entirely. The adults don’t seem to be doing much better. In fact, I can’t think of one person I’d like to see as President except Dad who’d never get elected with me for a daughter.

May 19

Well, I got blasted out of the water again today. Someone put a joint in my purse and I was so scared. I had to cut my next class and take a cab over to Dad’s office.

I just don’t understand why they won’t leave me alone! Why are they hassling me like this? Does my existence make them nervous? I really think it does. I really think they are trying to wipe me off the face of the earth or send me to the nut house. It’s like I’ve uncovered a giant spy ring and I can’t be allowed to live anymore!

Dad said I have to be strong and adult. He talked to me for a long time and I’m really grateful that he cares, but I know he doesn’t understand their motivations any better than I do. Besides he doesn’t know about Richie and Lane and all the rest. He said the whole family is behind me. But what good does that do when the whole world is against me? It’s like Gramps’ dying. Everybody feels really terrible about it, but nobody can do anything, including me!

May 20

I’ve managed to get myself into the study grind again, which helps. At least it keeps my mind off you know what.

May 21

Gran is sick, but Mom thinks it’s just the letdown. I hope so, because she really looks terrible. Oh, I almost forgot. Dad has gotten permission for me to use the university library, and today I went over for the first time. It’s really fun. I felt very sophisticated and a lot of the kids think I’m a coed. Isn’t that funny?

May 22

I met a boy in the library today. His name is Joel Reems and he’s a freshman. We studied together, then he walked me over to Daddy’s office. Daddy was busy, so we sat on the front steps of his building and waited for him. I decided to not pretend to Joel, but just to tell the truth about myself and let him take it or leave it (well, almost all the truth). I told him I was only sixteen and just had library privileges because of my Dad.

He’s really a very sweet guy, because he just laughed and said that it was all right because he hadn’t planned to ask me to marry him this semester anyway. When Dad came out, he sat on the steps for a while and the three of us talked like we had known each other always. It was great! Before Joel left he asked me when I’d be studying again and I said that I spent my entire waking hours studying, which seemed to please him.

May 23

Dear Daddy, I guess I should be mad at him but I’m not! He went and looked up Joel’s record and told me all about him. I really got a kick out of the idea of Dad sneaking
around the files getting information for me. Anyway Joel is an accelerated student who is in the university though he’s only eighteen years old, barely. His dad is dead and his mother works in a factory and he works a seven-hour shift every day at the school as a janitor. He works from midnight till seven every morning, then his first class is at nine on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. What a schedule! ! !

Dad warned me not to interfere with his studies, and I said I wouldn’t. However if he wants to walk me from the library to Dad’s office every afternoon (even Saturdays) I can’t see what that could hurt, can you?

Evening

Joel did walk me to Dad’s office. And it was almost like a date! Our words scrambled out all over each other and we laughed and chattered both at the same time. (It was very chaotic and very lovely.) Joel says he’s never had much time for girls and he doesn’t understand how I seem to know so much about him. I told him that women were very perceptive, that’s all. And crafty!

May 25

Joel walked me over to Dad’s office again tonight and it wasn’t my idea but, Dad invited him over for dinner tomorrow. Mother said it’s fine with her, and I know she’s anxious to meet him because Daddy has been teasing me about him.

May 26

I raced home from school and helped Mom clean the house like the King of the World was coming, and I made
sure we had all the ingredients for orange yeast rolls, my one specialty. I can’t wait! I can’t wait!

Later

Joel just left and it was a fantastic evening. I don’t know why I say that because he and Daddy spent most of the time together. I guess it’s because his dad died when he was seven, but they really had a nice relationship. Even Tim seemed fascinated while they talked, particularly about Joel’s educational possibilities. (I think Tim is starting to think about college. Already!)

My orange rolls were perfection, even Gran said she couldn’t have made better, and Joel ate seven! Seven! And he said he’d have taken a pocketful home for breakfast if there had been any left over. Of course if there had been any left over I’m sure he wouldn’t have mentioned it. He’s pretty reserved. I think I’ll ask Mom if I can make him a batch and have him pick them up at Dad’s office.

May 29

Oh Diary, guess what? Dad had absolutely the most wonderful news to tell us at dinner! (And he did it very nonchalantly.) He’s going to try to get Joel a scholarship. He says he’s pretty sure he can do it, but it will take time and he doesn’t want me to say anything until it’s all settled. I hope I can keep my big mouth shut. I’m not very good at that kind of thing.

P.S.
Things seem okay at school. Nobody’s talking to me, but nobody’s hassling me either. I guess you can’t have everything.

June 1

Gran’s house was sold today and they’ve decided just to have the movers pack all her things and put them in storage. She broke down and cried when she heard the news. It’s the first time I’ve really seen her cry. I guess Gramps’ being gone and now the house which she lived in almost all her life, makes everything seem so final.

Later

I wonder if Joel really likes me? I wonder if he thinks I’m cute or pretty or attractive? I wonder if I seem like the kind of girl who would mean something serious to him? I hope he likes me because I like him a lot. In fact, I think I really love him . . . .

Mrs. Joel Reems

MRS. JOEL REEMS

Mr. and Mrs. Joel Reems

Dr. and Mrs. Joel Reems

Doesn’t that look lovely!

June 2

Mrs. Larsen just called and said that Jan had promised to baby-sit but she called at the last minute and cancelled, which sounds just like Jan. Oh well, I guess I can study there as well as I can here. Gotta pack my things together.

See ya later.

P.M.

Dear Diary,

I’m really dragged and tired and sad and worn out and fed up.

Jan came by about a half an hour after Mrs. Larsen left and said she wanted to baby-sit because she needed the bread. But I couldn’t let her because she was stoned and Mrs. Larsen’s baby is only four months old. But she wouldn’t leave so finally I had to call her parents and ask them to come and get her. I told them she was sick, but by the time they got there she was really grooving. She had the stereo on loud enough to wake the baby who was wet and crying anyway, but I didn’t dare even change her because I wasn’t sure what Jan might do. She was so high her mom and dad had to practically pull her out to the car, and they were both crying and asking me not to tell her parole officer.

Oh, I hope I did the right thing. I probably shouldn’t have called her parents, but I really couldn’t get her out of there and I surely couldn’t have left her with the baby. I can just imagine what it’s going to be like in school tomorrow when this gets around. Bahm! Nobody’s even going to listen to my side. And besides, dopers don’t understand things like hurting babies. They don’t understand anything.

June 3

Mom and Dad said I did exactly as I should have last night and they were sorry they had not been available to help me. But what could they have done besides call Jan’s parents? Actually it might have been even worse if they’d been there. Who knows? Gotta go now.

P.M.

Jan passed me in the hall today and there was bitterness and hostility in her face like I have never seen before. “I’ll get even with you, you fucking Miss Polly Pure,” she said and she practically screamed it out in front of everyone. I
tried to explain but she turned and walked away as though I didn’t even exist.