Good Wood (17 page)

After a long bubble bath and a couple of mugs of green tea, I finally felt some semblance of calm. I’d managed to eat a little something, and I’d been listening to soft music in hopes of mellowing. I needed to catch up on some sleep, but clearing my mind of the horrors of my day proved impossible. All I could think about was Graham’s story.

With a huge yawn, I stumbled to the front door to check the deadbolt before heading off to bed. I’d already texted Sanchez and Stacy and told them we’d only be doing lunch the next day. I hated to lose out on the profits, but I really needed the time. I reached out to flip the deadbolt when a knock on the door practically made me jump out of my skin. Stifling a scream, I opened the door as far as the chain lock allowed.

Joe.

Though his blood shot eyes locked onto mine, he appeared lost and seemed to be looking through me. I took a deep breath before fumbling like a lunatic with the chain. I swung the door wide, but he didn’t move. He hadn’t changed from his work clothes. The knees of his jeans were badly grass-stained, and I was certain his stricken face would haunt my dreams forever.

In an instant, I saw with perfect clarity that any protest I’d made aloud to Graham or to myself was ludicrous. I’d never had any hope of denying Joe anything he ever asked of me. Though I’d never been anything more than a silly little girl to him, he’d always been it for me.

And a fractured Joe was better than no Joe at all.

I stepped forward and gently wrapped my arms around his waist, breathing in his scent at the hollow of his neck. It was sixty degrees outside, but he was cold to the touch and shivering terribly. I released him and led him inside by the arm, quickly locking the door behind us. When I turned back to face him, he seemed disoriented. He clumsily reached for me and gripping my robe with both of his fists, he pulled me back into a tight embrace. My heart ached for him and for me. I slipped my arms around him and tightened my grasp on his shoulders. I knew that it wasn’t me he wanted, but his eyes told me all I needed to know. He craved this. He was starved for any sort of human contact and I was there.

I took him into my room and guided him to sit on the edge of the bed. He sat obediently, glancing absently around as if he’d never seen my room before. I unlaced his boots and pulled them off, then reached for the waist of his jeans. He grabbed both of my wrists so suddenly that it startled me and I gasped aloud. His eyes shot to mine and he pulled me into him, burying his face between my breasts. I was already addicted to Joe’s touch, and felt a little guilty at how good it felt to feel needed. I smoothed my hands over his hair in a frantic attempt to soothe him.

I fully understood Graham’s inability to find words. As I stood there with Joe clinging to me, I was at a complete loss for anything to say. All I could do was hold him and allow him to hold me. Tilting my chin to my chest, I pressed my lips to the top of his head and I felt him sigh against me.

When he finally loosened his hold on me, I crawled onto bed and pulled the covers up over us. He curled into me, nuzzling his cheek against my chest like a child. The dim light from the bathroom revealed his breathtaking face, and the peaceful look on it made me sigh. I couldn’t resist planting a gentle kiss on his forehead as I stroked his back until he fell asleep.

For a long time after, I lay awake listening to his steady breathing. I held him possessively; knowing I’d already given myself over to him, not a piece at a time like I had with Drae, but all at once. Shoving myself at him like a stack of poker chips.

All in.

It wasn’t even a choice. This was Joe. As far as Joe was concerned, I’d never had free will.

I woke sometime later to his soft lips on mine. His hand slid my robe aside and out of his way. Only half awake, I arched into his touch. I knew I should stop him. Instead, I rolled him onto his back and straddled him. I made love to him as if in a dream. Slowly. Silently.

Selfishly.

The next morning when I woke up alone, I wasn’t surprised. Not even a little bit.

I was relieved.

THE RECEPTIONIST NODDED to the inner door as I came into the office. I gave her a tight smile and walked right past. As I entered the room, my psychiatrist, Dr. Greene looked up and gave me a nod.

“Hello, Joe. Grab yourself some coffee or a bottle of water if you like.” He closed the journal he had been writing in, picked it up and strode across the room. Opening a heavy metal file cabinet, he placed it inside before turning to regard me. “So how’ve you been?”

It was an open ended question. Exactly the kind of thing he loved to ask and the sort of seemingly trivial thing that would have set me off not so long ago. After my night with Molly, I called his office and started coming to see him twice a week. Showing up on her doorstep like I had hadn’t been fair to either of us. Now I couldn’t face her. I’d broken my own rules and on top of that, I’d fucked with a girl that deserved better.

Graham had called and left me a message telling me to take some time off. I didn’t question his judgment or blame him in the slightest. When I took a hard look at myself I didn’t like what I saw. I was starting to spiral again and was in danger of dragging everyone down with me.

Dr. Greene had been surprised when I showed up early for my very next appointment. He’d seemed even more shocked when I tried hard to get something out of it. The first few visits were disastrous. I felt like we were talking in circles. But after a while we got a feel for one another and made some progress.

It was slow and not free of setbacks, but I was participating. I owed it to everyone in my life to pull myself together, at least enough to stop fucking up all the time. So instead of getting angry at his inane question, I actually stopped to consider before I answered. I’d been keeping busy. I decided to finish my apartment and after a lot of serious elbow grease, I was finally ready to paint the walls. I’d done a little body work on my Ford with Mason’s assistance, and the night before I went out with him and Mac to play darts. We had some laughs, and though I was conflicted about it, there was no denying it felt good.

Normal.

That always seemed to be when the darkness crept in.

“Okay, I guess. I don’t know…”

“Well, sit down and tell me what’s troubling you.” He indicated to the furniture. I forced a smile and grabbed a bottle of water from the liquor-less bar. I walked over and sat on the couch. He had a giant leather chaise for those that wanted the ‘authentic shrink experience’ as he called it. It looked too much like a hospital bed for me to ever want anything to do with it.

“Thanks for seeing me on such short notice, Doc. I’m going to my sister’s for Thanksgiving tomorrow and I want to make sure I’m level before I head out. I hope you weren’t planning on going out of town. I don’t want to cut in on your family time.”

Dr. Greene gave me a gentle smile as he took his seat. “Not at all. My family is coming to our house and truth be told you actually got me out of picking up a few people from the airport. So for that, I thank you. Now, you said you wanted to talk about something important.”

I nodded.

“Look, Doc. I know you have put up with a lot of shit from me.” His surprised look was only there for an instant before it was replaced with the neutral expression I equated with his ‘listening’ face. “It can’t be easy having someone come in here and resist every treatment you try.”

“Joe,” He sighed. “I may have been appointed by the court to determine when you have control of your anger issues, but it’s my job to listen and advise you. I’m your physician. I’m here, so let’s talk.” He took the lid off of his pen and waited for me to continue.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was time, long past time, that I talked to someone. And Dr. Greene was my best option.

Who am I kidding? Not my best option, just the least complicated.

Sitting forward, I looked down at the floor and rested my forearms on my knees. I had to focus. If I was going to do this, I needed to get it all out before I broke down like a fucking baby. Taking another fortifying breath I glanced up at him, and then looked back at the floor.

“She lied to me.” I saw him stiffen out of the corner of my eye. “Jessica. Purposefully and systematically lied. Maybe she was sick. I have done a lot of reading about gambling addiction, but it hasn’t helped me. It doesn’t explain away how someone that is supposed to love me, to be on
my side
, could so utterly betray me.” I was suddenly unable to sit still. Jumping up I started pacing the room, trying to get my thoughts into some kind of order.

“Do you feel that your unresolved anger with Jessica is helped by this admission?” He asked it softly, but with steel in his voice I’d not heard before. It almost caused me to glance up but I caught myself and kept my eyes on the floor.

“Maybe. Sorry doc, but can you not interrupt me? I need to get this out.”

“Of course, Joe. Go ahead.”

“I fucking hate her.” The words came out with more venom than I ever would have thought possible. Verbalizing this thought and hearing it ring through the room caused unwanted tears to start. “That bitch lied to my face, stole from me, and got herself and my child killed for something as stupid as money.” I walked over to the window so that I didn’t have to face him.

“Does this hatred override the love you felt for her?” His words struck me, sending pain jangling through me like a physical blow. Wheeling, I glared at him.

“Hell no! Don’t you get it? I fucking hate her and love her at the same time.” I was shouting now, but the rage filling me would not let me stop. “I miss her more than I ever thought possible. And I hate her more than I ever thought I could hate another human being. She destroyed my life! She took it all! For what? Betting on fucking horses?” Lashing out, I bashed my fist into the plaster wall, leaving a good size hole. Dr. Greene sat looking at me placidly, his hands folded in his lap.

“So you punish yourself? You hurt yourself because you can’t reconcile the fact that you both love and hate the mother of your child.” The last he said so softly I almost failed to hear him. That struck me like another blow and had the desired effect. The anger flowed right out of me and I leaned hard on the sill of the window.