Gravity (Free Falling) (42 page)

AJ
turned my face to his and forced me to concentrate on what he was about to say.  “I love
you
. 
All
of you – your personality, your quirks, your neurotic breakdowns.“  He smiled when he said that one.  “Your bratty outbursts, your artistic side, the way you love me,
and
your body.  All of those things together make you…..you, and if I turn my back on you because of that one aspect of who you are I’d be saying that the sex is the most important part of our relationship, and I hope you know that that’s not true.  I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life than I am about my feelings for you.  If you feel this strongly about stopping……then I’ll respect your decision.”  He paused.  “I couldn’t leave you even if I wanted to.” The lingering question in my mind must have been written all over my face, so he answered it promptly.  “And I’d
never
cheat on you.”

He wiped the single tear that ran down my cheek and continued to stare into my eyes until he was satisfied that I believed him. 

“We should get to class,” I said flatly. 

             
“Not until you tell me that you trust me,” he demanded as another tear escaped.

             
“I want to sooooo bad AJ, but I just……”

He sighed and gave up trying to convince me.  The handle to hi
s door clicked, he climbed out and slammed it harder than was necessary.  As we walked into the building he was a couple steps ahead of me – obviously angered by his inability to sway me.  After a minute or two, I gave up trying to keep up with him.  I stood there in the middle of the hallway while students passed by me as if I were invisible.  My eyes were still fixed on AJ as he walked away from me and disappeared around the corner without even looking back.  That was exactly what was going to happen this August when we both left for college – AJ would walk away and wouldn’t even look back in my direction.  Mr. Hahn was absolutely right about that one thing.

At lunch I just sat and daydreamed about my dimming future with
AJ.  Everyone was excited about embarking on a new journey and seeing the world in a whole new way.  Conversation was lively and bounced off the cafeteria walls the entire hour.  AJ and I sat next to one another at the table silently – never speaking one word to one another.  When the bell sounded, he rose up from his seat and didn’t bother waiting for me.  We’d had arguments before, but this felt very different. 

I took my seat beside him in Ms. Jamison’s class and
sat completely still.  I was preoccupied with trying to figure out what exactly was going on between the two of us.  This felt bad –
really
bad.  I watched him nervously from the corner of my eye as he fidgeted with his pencil and contemplated. 
What is he thinking?
  The bell startled me from my spying. I gathered my things slowly, fully expecting for him to leave without me again, but I was surprised to see him standing by the door.  I approached him cautiously.  “Can you meet me in the auditorium next hour?  We need to talk,” he said quietly.  My heart sank, but I agreed to be there.  “Ten minutes,” he said flatly.

The hands on the clock seemed to be moving in slow motion.  I was equally nervous and anxious to find out what
AJ needed to say to me that couldn’t wait.  When it was finally time, I rushed to the front of the classroom and faked another stomach ache.  The hallway leading to the auditorium seemed to grow longer as I walked it.  My hand lingered on the door handle for a few seconds while I built up the courage to open it.  When the light flooded in from the hall, I could briefly see AJ standing against the wall. 

             
“You wanted to talk?”  I asked reluctantly as the door latched behind me.

I didn’t hear anything for a few seconds.  “If you can’t trust me and I’m right here, then you definitely won’t trust me when I’m hundreds of miles away.  I’ve never given you any reason to think that I’d
hurt you.”  He choked on his question.  “Do you want to end things now?  You seem to think that you know that I’m gonna be out there sleeping with all these other girls, so if you’ll rest more peacefully at night, maybe we should just call it quits now.”  I was grateful for the darkness because I couldn’t control my facial expression as it twisted up in protest. 

             
“What?.......
No
!  Are you
crazy
??  That’s not what I want at all!”

             
“Then what
do
you want?  Would it make you feel better if I told you I was going to have a different girl in my bed every night?  That’s what you’re expecting isn’t it?”

         
I had no defense.  “I don’t know what I expect.  I just know that I can’t stand the thought of you being with someone else and I can’t help but to think that us not having sex anymore is going to drive you into someone else’s arms.”

“But you didn’t just start this.  You
’ve brought it up
before
today.  So, what is it really?”  His tone was even harsher than it was in the car this morning.

“I don’t kno
w.  It could be a lot of things,” I replied.

“Like what?”  He asked
, still sounding annoyed.

“Don’t you ever feel like there’s an anvil just wait
ing to drop on our relationship?  It just feels like we’re doomed, AJ!  The only thing that’s on our side is that we love each other.  But aside from that, we’re like one short step away from absolute disaster.  Think about it!  Why
wouldn’t
I expect for things to continue to fall apart?”  I asked.

“Well maybe that’s where we’re different.  I seem
to have foolishly let myself buy into the notion that love is enough.  Even if nothing else lines up, love is
always
enough.” 

“What do you want me to do?  I can’t force myself to believe something just because
you
want me to.  If this is how I feel about it, then this is just how I feel about it!  I’m not saying that I don’t want to be with you, I’m just……feeling a little uneasy.  Why is that so hard for you to accept?  This doesn’t have to be the end.”

“You know what?  You’ve been calling the shots since day one. 
Everything’s always been on
your
terms, but this isn’t just about you.  I’m not going to put up with the frantic phone calls while I’m at Westwood - with you accusing me of something that I’ve already given you my word is
never
going to happen!  You’ve got until tomorrow night to make up your mind.  Are you gonna trust me so we can continue to move forward together, or are we going to stop fighting it and let the anvil drop?”  The next second I heard the door open and I watched him walk out on me.

*****

The day of prom, I hadn’t heard from AJ even once.  Mom helped me slip into my dress and put the finishing touches on my make-up.  She was making a really big deal about this dance – because it was my last I guess.  She broke down crying twice and had to leave the room to get herself together.  Daddy called us downstairs so that he could get a few pictures of me by myself before AJ arrived.  As I maneuvered down the steps I was glad to find this dress much easier to get around in than the one I’d worn to Homecoming.  Mom made me pose in front of the fireplace and I took one picture with each of my parents. 

The doorbell rang and I
clenched my fists as I suddenly became tense.  Mom rushed to the door and smiled at AJ as soon as she opened it. “Well, don’t you look handsome?”  She moved aside and let him step in. He looked so good that I immediately felt inferior.  I closed my mouth and pulled myself together quickly.  I couldn’t let my guard down with him just yet because the last encounter we had with one another was him leaving me by myself in the auditorium and I couldn’t be sure of how angry he still was today. 

AJ
turned to look at me. He was trying to hold his ground and continue to treat me coldly, but he smiled against his will.   He hesitated for a few seconds as he looked me up and down.  “You look really good,” he said quietly. I could tell that he was still bothered by our argument the day before, but not quite angry.

“Come on you tw
o,” Mom said as she motioned us toward the fireplace for a picture.  AJ wrapped his arm around my waist loosely and we both smiled at the camera.  The bright flash made my eyes water a little.  Mom, fearing that I was about to ruin my eye makeup, quickly grabbed me a tissue to blot the tears away.  Daddy took this opportunity to have a man-to-man chat with AJ.  They stood next to one another awkwardly as they watched Mom and me.

“
She looks stunning,” Daddy said proudly.

“Yes, sir.
  She absolutely does,” AJ replied.

My father sighed.  “You
do
understand that it’s not a light thing that I’m entrusting her into your care tonight?”  Daddy asked.

             
“ Mr. Kelley, I give you my word that Samantha’s safe with me.”

Daddy turned to look
AJ in the eye. Seconds later, the corners of Daddy’s mouth turned up into a smile.  That smile probably meant more to me than to anyone else.  My father was beginning to show signs of actually liking AJ, and that was
huge
.  They both turned back toward me and Mom.

“Disaster averted,”
Mom said as she double checked my mascara.

AJ
walked toward me and I smiled to myself as he reached for my hand and led me out the door.  “Two o’clock Samantha,” my mother called out to me.  I nodded and continued to follow AJ.  I climbed into the car and sat unmoving while waiting for him to come around.  He started the car and drove in the direction of the country club where the dance was being held. 

From the corner of my
eye, I noticed that he was staring down at my thigh that peeked through the high-cut split in my dress.  I smiled and pulled the material to hide my skin, prompting him to sigh in frustration and then refocus his attention on the road.  I imagined that he was trying to scrounge up the willpower to keep his hands to himself.  Resisting temptation wasn’t going to be easy for me either tonight, but it had to be this way.  It didn’t help that I was starting to dream about it almost every night – probably my body’s way of dealing with the deprivation. 

Thirty-five minutes later, we were at the country club.  He opened my door and
extended his arm for me to grasp it.  Droves of students were filing toward the building.  I glanced over at AJ again and tried to feel him out a little more and found that his expression was still tense.

Inside, we quickly found Deanna, Karl, Randy and Chris.  Randy of course was the only one who had already fixed a plate at the buffet.  Good old predictable Randy.  Deanna squealed and hugged me tightly.  “You look awesome!”

              “Thanks.  So do you,” I replied. 

Our theme was Atlantis and everything was so beautiful.  It was almost like we were right inside of
a fairytale – blue tablecloths with crystal decorations, the plates were gold and imprinted with seashells, and the lighting created a romantic ambiance.  We spent the first couple hours of the dance talking amongst ourselves.  I felt a little sad at the thought of the six of us not being together like this for much longer.  While I was grateful that Deanna and Karl would be at Charleston with me, AJ Randy and Chris would be hours away.  I did my best to stop thinking about it and tried to focus on the conversation.

AJ
’s arm was draped across the back of my chair and he gently caressed my shoulder with his fingertips.  They were warm against my skin and made it feel like an electrical current shot through me.  I crossed my legs and instantly felt my resolve weakened slightly.  My imagination started to run away from me and I let my mind go places that it was now forbidden to go.

             
“You wanna dance?”  AJ asked, jarring my mind back to safer territory.

             
“Sure.”

He took my hand a
nd we interlocked our fingers.  We stood in the middle of the dance floor and I felt like my knees would give way.  I wrestled with the thought that I maybe wasn’t as strong as I’d tried to convince myself.  I wanted him in the worst way and he knew it.  That’s probably why he deliberately slid his hands slowly down my waistline and let them come to rest on my hips.  His fingers gripped my curves tightly and he pulled me into him.  His eyes wandered down to my chest that was pressed tightly to his and our hearts beat in unison.  He bit his lip and then moved his hands down another couple inches further.  At this rate, I wasn’t going to make it and we hadn’t even started dancing yet.
My head told me to pull away, but my body was ready for whatever he had in mind.  I inhaled his cologne once when he leaned in and I lost the little bit of will that I had left. 

“
I need to get some air.  Be right back,” I said breathlessly.  He smiled faintly and released me from his grasp. 

I
trudged toward the exit desperately.  I looked over my shoulder once to see if he was following me, but he stood motionlessly with his hands in his pockets as he watched me leave.  In the lobby I passed by Terrance.  He rolled his eyes, turned his body away from me and pulled out his cell phone.  He probably wasn’t even calling anyone – but just wanted an excuse to look away.  Antonio and Megan were seated side by side on the couch carrying on a casual conversation.  She laughed obnoxiously at something he said and then they both became aware of my presence at the same time.  He and I locked eyes for a brief moment – long enough for him to detect that I was a little stressed, but of course he didn’t understand why.  Megan only rolled her eyes at me and then quickly turned away.  I pushed my way through the doors and the cool night air caused goose bumps to pop up on my arms.  I hugged myself tightly and gazed up at the stars – hoping that the cold air would get my mind back on the right track.   I shivered a little, but my only concern was getting away from AJ at this point.  I needed to regain control of the feelings I was experiencing.