Greater Expectations (22 page)

29

Usurper_Of_Fate

Thursday 2nd April

“What the fu…? How…? Wait a minu… Why… yes, why would you ever be interested in finding my profile?”
It was as I asked the question that the answer became clear to me. Why
wouldn’t
she be interested in looking at my profile? If the roles had been reversed, I would certainly have searched for hers. Yet whilst this whole new level of embarrassment may not have been evident in my tone, it was certainly very real in my head. A head that was now throbbing and flushed a very bright red. Indeed, she was blissfully unaware that the sole reason my profile was
so
embarrassing was entirely due to our last conversation. Not for the first time, I now sorely wished I had come straight home from work and amended it to an altogether more appealing and, hopefully, cooler description.

Not that I was deluded enough to ever consider myself “cool”.

“Idle curiosity is one’s only excuse. I hope that I haven’t offended you by doing so, for that was certainly never my intention. If it helps, I actually enjoyed the brutal honesty of your “Profile Description”. Judging by the other profiles I have read, rarely is there such honesty to be found forthcoming from any of the other members. Yet, oddly, practically everyone feels the need to actually state how highly they value this particular quality. Indeed, whilst they all happily claim to be seeking this honesty in their ideal partners, they fail to recognise that it is sadly lacking in most of their own actual profiles.

The irony is as delightful as it is intriguing.

Rather most favour the tendency to play safe and employ a strategy that is altogether more formulaic. As such, they all seem to be a variation of a theme. In comparison, the honesty in yours comes over as sincere and completely refreshing. It could actually be described as “brave” for you have merely written what I am certain others have been thinking.”

Her clinical assessment blended with the praise, faint or otherwise, for my own profile certainly alleviated some of my embarrassment. Although it was obviously her way of apologising for what she correctly interpreted from my reaction to be a very personal intrusion.

“Well I am glad you liked it. However, I’m just about to amend it as, to me, it is so honest as to be completely unappealing and utterly humiliating.” My computer had the “Edit Profile” page open and, peering through my fingers that were being used as the most primitive of filters in the vain hope of protecting myself, I cast a timid eye over the words. It could only be best described as a rant. Overly long and laborious, it was the ramblings of a broken and wholly confused man simply seeking love in a guise with which he was familiar and would be most comfortable.

It truly was an excruciating read.

It started with what I had believed to be a hip joke from a modern reference and then meandered slowly in an effort to be all encompassing whilst being enigmatically alluring. It was meant to demonstrate my sensitivity and vulnerability whilst also suggesting a strength of resolve and steely determination, all blended with an unwavering loyalty and brilliant sense of humour. It was supposed to be me, stripped into my component parts and reassembled as every ladies complete and ideal man.

It undoubtedly failed on every level.

To paraphrase Beyoncé “Only single ladies!” please.

Honesty seems to be an essential quality sought by all the ladies profiles I have perused. As such, I shall be blatantly honest here in the hope that it is appreciated although, please, take no offence as none is given nor intended. This is merely my own honest opinion and/or feelings and I
can offer no apology for this.

I do not consider myself a liar or a cheat but, if I was, would you really expect me to acknowledge it on here? So for all you ladies who expressly state that they are looking to avoid such “players”, I would suggest that this is a completely redundant statement and a waste of  everyone’s time.

I should mention too that there seems to be an inordinate amount of profiles stating that a “GSOH” is vital. I wonder who does not think that they have a great sense of humour?

Also, from the profiles, it seems that pictures of topless men is quite common and very off putting for you ladies. Can I just point out that, contrary to popular belief, this
is also the same for us gents–including me. Scantily clad pictures on yourself on here does nothing for me. Especially when you then go on to state that you do not wish to be “sexually objectified”. Sex is part of a relationship and it will happen in its own time so why spoil the surprise?

Similarly, these are “personal” profiles so why have group pictures? These can be most confusing, although even more so when it’s an ex-boyfriend with his face cut out. Seriously, you h
ave no other suitable pictures?

So, about me…

Recently divorced and the process has taught me a lot about myself. I have discovered that the deceit of being cheating on and the destruction of my trust causes me great distress. It also generated a jealousy that I never previously knew existed. I now know that this is unhealthy but that it can only be initiated by your partner.

Never do I want to be responsible for making anyone ever fe
el this way as it was horrible.

So liars, cheats, vagrants, and vagabonds please just pass me by! Oh, did I forget to mention that I can also be a complete contradiction and a hopeless romantic?

Lets see if honesty really is the best policy…

It was with a sense of relief that I pressed the delete button. As I did so, Penny spoke. I had all but forgotten that she was still there.

“Your photograph is very intriguing, just showing your eyes. I believe that they really are the window to the soul and yours are quite hypnotic.” I enjoyed the compliment although it was all too brief. “Did you get any messages?” The question threw me and was one that I had not previously considered.
Who would have been foolish enough to respond to my rambling crap?
Yet a quick look up at the “Inbox” tab showed an unopened red envelope with a number beside it.

“Actually, it seems I have two.” There was no hiding my surprise. Instinctively, my first thought was that they would be from a couple of wholly unappealing and altogether desperate souls blanket messaging the latest new mem
ber.

“What do they say?” Penny’s excitement and enthusiasm was quite disturbing and actually quite hurtful, not that she could be expected to know. My feelings for her were as strong as ever and, glad as I was of her continued role in my life, I knew that there would be no real future for me with anyone else as long as that continued.

“Rather than telling you, it’s probably easier and quicker to let you log into my account.” It would also save me the annoying and frustrating task of reciting these two messages verbatim. As I relayed my username and password, I could hear her rhythmic tapping of the corresponding letters being punched into the keyboard.

My first message was from
a 29 year old in Hertford–so not too far from me–using the name “Usurper_Of_Fate,”, and was unquestionably intriguing.

Hi,

I loved your profile, it was so refreshing to see some truth and honesty among the mundane!

I am certainly interested in finding out even more about you…

I hope to hear from you soon.

A x

Her profile was equally brief, complimented with a solitary photograph. It was a holiday snap taken in some far off tropical clime, where a soft red sunset surrounded the solitary figure of a shapely bikini clad girl who was walking along a beach and away from the camera. Hers were the only footprints in the sand that was more white than yellow, and the clear turquoise sea maintained a respectable distance on her left. Akin to the presumptions of face and physique that you imagine purely from a strangers voice on a telephone, I was already forming an idea of what she must look like. It was certainly wrong of me to be so presumptive but there was no real harm in doing so.

In fact, it was quite fun.

In letting my imagination run wild, I allowed all sorts of combinations to play in my mind. No matter how I combined the different eye colours, complexion, skin tone, nose composition, etc.…, each incarnation concluded with the same result.

“A” was beautiful.

“I think the first message has the greatest potential but the second could be a decent start to easing yourself back into dating. A trial run, as it were.” Penny’s comments brought me crashing back from my own stroll along that warm beach. The seductive sound of the sea lapping the shore was instantly replaced with her voice booming loudly over my Bluetooth.

It scared the shit out of me.

A quick skim through the second message found me in agreement with Penny’s synopsis, although I could not help but be impressed with the efficiency in which she had come to such a conclusion. How had she managed to assimilate both messages and the information contained within the corresponding profiles so rapidly? Not for the first time, she made me feel rather slow and inept. If this is how she made her previous boyfriends feel, it was little wonder she was single. There was some comfort to be had in this latest conclusion.

I allowed myself a wry smile.

It was a quick and easy determination that I was stressed and tired whereas she was fresh and alert, and so I dismissed any further thought on the matter for fear that I was actually wrong. “I’m still not convinced this is a good idea. The sole purpose of joining this site was to get my mum off my back rather than actually dating.” The lie came all too easily to me and although it was still Penny that I wanted, there was no denying that “A” had certainly piqued my interest.

“She is of a more suitable age for you too, “A” I mean. It must be a concern, Susan being that much older.” “Susan” had sent my second message. “She is all of 37 and has no children but states on her profile that she wants them. Her body clock will be ticking and this will heap more pressure on any relationship from the outset.” The pause was long enough for me to realise that it was a sentiment that was all too personal to Penny, as it was said more to herself than to me. For once, she sounded rather flustered when quickly countering with “Well, one would presume.”

It was her clinical precision with which my prospective partners were being scrutinised that was making me distinctly uncomfortable. However, she was only verbalising what was, to me, rather obvious and something that I had already considered. Yet another reason why she was so appealing to me; Penny had an uncanny ability to say what I was thinking. I briefly let myself wonder if it was the same for her with me but it was such a stupid thought that I again flushed red with embarrassment and irritation, quickly chided myself, and dismissed the thought without any further consideration.

“You make it sound like I am at the market picking a horse. Maybe I should inspect their manes, teeth, and feet upon our first meeting to ensure mating suitability?” The joke was presented a little too seriously, even for my own liking, and I really hoped that my gentle rebuke was not lost in translation. The laugh was deliberately audible and her response adequately contrite. “Well I suppose one must sound unduly harsh. My romantic experience does tend to favour the equine, not having that much in the personal. This online dating concept is one of a box ticking exercise though with a glaring void in the “personal chemistry” component. An attempt at navigating the first hurdle as it were, if you forgive the equestrian analogy although it is in keeping with the theme. One simply cannot help oneself.” It was my turn to laugh, she is actually an unconscious comedian with no real grasp on how funny she actually is.

Fearing we were headed for a conversation cul-de-sac, I pushed on to her thoughts on “Susan’s” message. Although grammatically correct, it lacked finesse and seemed too contrived to be original. I rather suspected it was a cut and paste effort.

It was quite funny though.

Hey!

I really liked your profile and think that we have lots in common. It seems rather pointless to encourage continuous messages back and forth when we could simply meet for a coffee and see how we get on?

So please have a look at my profile and, if you like what you see, drop me a quick note and we can get that coffee date organised!

Take care

Susan xx

“So you think I should go for this coffee when, in your opinion, nothing of any good can come from it? Other than me using it as a dating experiment of course.” It was more of a statement than a question and quite deliberately antagonistic. To my mind, “Susan” was quite serious in her endeavours to settle down with a suitable partner. It was more than obvious from her profile, especially her “Personal Description”, that she had abandoned any thought of “Prince Charming” and would happily settle for “Mr You’ll Do”. Her unconscious participation in my experiment would have been unusually cruel on my part.

“Certainly, why ever not? There are no promises nor commitments and it could only be a useful exercise for you. It would allow you to gauge if you feel ready to date again and, if that were not reason enough, it would appease your mother somewhat.” Begrudgingly, I had to admit to being flattered and reassured to hear that Penny only had my welfare in mind and that “Susan” was given no consideration whatsoever. It was also nice that she had considered my mum and her feelings.