Greater Expectations (26 page)

34

Penny Wise

Saturday 16th May

In the days and weeks that have passed since my email response to my online partner “A”, our correspondence has steadily increased and grown in almost direct contrast to that with Penny. It appears that I have simply replaced one with the other. It’s something that I choose not to dwell on too much for fear of sacrificing what
could
be for what can
never
be.

Although there is no doubt that it truly saddens me.

As they say, life goes on. For reasons best known to herself, “A” still politely but firmly refuses to furnish me with her full name. She made the very valid point that I refer to myself as simply “Z” without any want nor need of further explanation on her part–ergo we are equal.

Apparently, she also likes the idea that all her texts and emails go, quite literally, from “A” to “Z”.

Admittedly, I also found this amusing. However, frustrating as it is, her logic is irrefutable and to push the matter would only leave me open to explaining my own ridiculous moniker. As my mum would say,
“better to pick your battles to win the war”
so I dropped the subject. No doubt I would find out her proper name in the fullness of time.

In truth, it only made her even more eni
gmatic and added to her allure.

There were also no other photographs forthcoming. Yet, bizarrely, we were now at the stage where she had entrusted to me her innermost thoughts and fears, hopes and dreams. Naturally, I had reciprocated. Fa
r too easily for my own liking.

Again, something that I cho
ose not to consider too deeply.

Rather I had adopted a new, and altogether cavalier, “fuck it” attitude. I opted to enjoy the thrill of it all, that exhilarating first flush of romance. It was so refre
shing, exciting, intoxicating–not to mention totally sexy. Dismissive as I had initially been to online dating, it now made me feel like a fool, for this relationship could never have evolved in this way through any other medium. I had absolutely no concept of her smell, her sound, her look, her feel.

Nothing at all except that I knew her
mind
; and that was unbelievably invigorating.

Never have I felt so alive and so in sync with another person. Except Penny. This is how I had imagined that a relationship with her would be like, one more reliant upon technology than physical location. I was fully prepared and yearned for such as I knew that, to me, Penny would have been absolutely worth it.

Rightly or wrongly, I had explained all about my friendship with Penny to “A”. I did not want there to be any secrets between us although, I suppose, it was more therapeutic for myself in order to draw a line under whatever it was Penny and I had.

If we ever had anything at all.

“A” became very understanding but only after she had exhaustively probed my thoughts and hopes regarding a possible relationship with Penny–to a degree further than perhaps even I was comfortable with. I suppose that was to be expected, especially as it had been me that had introduced her into the equation. It had taken an overwhelming amount of persuasion through deft penmanship to satisfy “A” that Penny was no threat to “us”, and that our “relationship” –such as it is–was my priority.

We were very n
early over before we had begun.

My feelings for Penny were still undeniably strong although my blossoming relationship with “A” was the one filled with most promise. Yet there was no doubt that it was also a great deal of something built upon a whole lot of nothing. I knew her innermost thoughts and fears but had no idea of even the colour of her eyes.

It was truly absurd.

However, this was the very promise that won out as it offered the only realistic potential for happiness and contentment that held me intrigued. There was no doubt that Penny would understand. After all, really, what choice did she have?

This was the point when I berated myself for being a fucking idiot who was overthinking everything as usual.

The emails from “A” had been every couple of days at first. This suited me and I had confided in Penny that any more frequently would have spooked me. It’s always suspicious to me when someone pursues too keenly. Although they are undoubtedly flattering initially, this quickly subsides to them ultimately appearing needy and clingy. After two weeks or so, I noticed that it was
my
responses that were dictating the frequency and so there could be no complaint from me, daily as they had become. Often two and three times a day if truth be told. In my own defence, it helped alleviate the boredom at work and they merely saved me from further pestering Penny.

Corresponding with someone who is interested in me rather than someone who isn’t.

Everything was trundling along perfectly until yesterday. That was when I received the dreaded email that suggested we meet up. She surely wasn’t thinking this through. All had been going swimmingly–I still had “Penny” moments with my vocabulary and they surprised and intrigued me in equal measure–and now here she wanted to spoil it with an actual meeting, like
face to face
?

Without putting too fine a point on it, I shat.

Our mutual confidence had been built through finding and exploring common ground. We had successfully done so and it had been great. It
is
great. If we were to meet it would allow for the possibility of disappointment, pain, and heartache all over again. I’m not ready for that. Well, I’m pretty sure I’m not ready for that.
Wait, am I ready for that?
Anyway, to make matters worse, this was
her
idea. It should have been
my
idea, instigated when
I
was ready. This was my natural role as the man, the hunter, the pursuer–the sensitive, loving, chivalrous, kind, and considerate predator. She could have just subtly hinted at a meeting and then allowed me to suggest it, both of us fully aware of the pretence.

I’m not sure I appreciate her lack of consideration.

Ironically, it had been the hitherto secretive and elusive “A” who had demonstrated a previously undetected cunning by using the information that I had so freely surrendered back against me. I had erred in assuming that her enquiry into my plans for my days off was wholly innocent. As they say, to
assume
makes an
ass
out of
u
and
me
. As such, I had foolishly failed to recognise her ruse and had responded with my now perfectly honed cavalier honesty.

“Great, as you are free tomorrow, we can meet for a drink. Say 8pm at the Fox and Hounds in Hertford. Looking forward to seeing you then. How exciting to finally meet!”

It was not lost on me that her “question” was more a statement of fact. Suddenly I was bewildered, confused, and actually rather scared. Without any further thought, I called Penny.
“Hello Z, long time no hear.”
She had answered on the first ring. It had been around two weeks since we had last spoke and now I was feeling guilty for ignoring her for so long. It always relaxed me to hear the calming sound of her dulcet tones. Yet now, hearing her voice, a new feeling of panic spread within me as I considered the prospect of this date. It felt that, in meeting “A”, I would be somehow betraying Penny. I know I certainly wasn’t ready for
that
.

This date is a terrible idea.

“Hi” the dejection in my own voice surprised even me.

“What’s wrong?” Her concern was tangible.

I took a deep breath and explained my predicament to Penny. Well, most of my predicament, I omitted the betrayal part.
“On paper, this girl seems absolutely perfect but I am far from sure if this is right for me. You see, that’s the problem, this whole ‘relationship’ is founded upon electronic paper. There is nothing tangible or real.”
Now I knew why it had been two weeks since we last spoke. Just talking with Penny always gave me that feeling of fire deep within my soul, one that I had thought successfully controlled but here my heart is thumping out of my chest.

My natural actions speaking louder than my manufactured words. Never have I felt this way and the overpowering sense of hopelessness draws a lump to my throat.

“She sounds wonderful and an ideal fit for you Z. Why on earth would you not want to go?” I try to find her light and carefree assertion and question offensive, but I cannot. I suppress the yearning urge to scream down the phone
“YOU! Can’t you see? It’s because of you that I don’t want to go. I love y….”
I love her? Of course I love her. Haven’t I always? Oh my good God, this is so wrong. What have I been doing? This is all so unfair to “A”.

To me?

“Z…? Are you there?” She asked a little too sharply.

“Eh…? Yes…, oh…, wait…, eh, sorry. What?”
The thoughts were tumbling and thrashing around in my head and I was struggling to keep it together.

“So why would you not want to go?” The question was more of a dare than a genuine enquiry. Her flippant attitude resonated within me and I could feel my anger rise.

“No reason, none at all. Of course I shall go. It would be completely unfair and how could I deny her the opportunity to meet
me
?” The joke was delivered so meekly that it lost all sense of humour. Politely, as expected, Penny laughed anyway.

“Good then. You absolutely must tell me how it goes, now
promise me
.”

“Tell you how it goes? You don’t get away that easily I’m afraid. You shall be my text partner whilst I sit there,
alone
, all
alone
, me, in a busy pub,
alone
and waiting for a date that I have no clue what she looks like, what height she is, nor what she will be wearing. All she said was that she would find me. Did I mention that I would be sat there in a busy pub, all
alone
?”

The absurdity of it all hit me again; this really was ridiculously stressful.

“Ha! Yes, I believe that you may have mentioned that you are going to be sat there, all alone. Actually, that rather sounds like fun, a triple date of sorts.” She really was enjoying my discomfort way too much. “Z,
trust me
, you really, really need to go. It will be good for you. Scary and tempting as it may be, please do not stand her up. Such a thing is unforgivably rude and completely unbecoming and would be most disappointing to me as well as her. Anyway, it may all work out perfectly and be a jolly surprise for you both.” This concern was certainly surprising yet I found myself feeling somewhat obligated to promise that I would entertain no such notion, although why Penny should care so much was beyond me.

Although it is an altogether nicer thought that she might actually be looking out for me as a friend.

I bade her goodnight in the full knowledge that mine would be anything but, and a predictably fitful nights sleep ensued. Overthinking was now part of my psychological repertoire and every possible scenario coursed through my mind. The simplest question had been the one causing me most distress–what was I wanting from the date and, indeed, the relationship? Reluctantly I accepted that there was no respite to be had and so rose early to ponder my completely insignificant and wholly contrived dilemma.

My pondering lasted until the late afternoon.

I hoped that contemplating what to wear would ease my overthinking but this only made things worse. As the date had been set in a casual bar, I knew that “A” had also taken control in setting the tone regarding attire.

I silently cursed Penny.

This was the perfect opportunity to wear my “Super Z” T-shirt as it best reflected my quirky and playful sense of humour. It seems that it had gotten lost on its travels from the Auchtershinnan Estate. Now was not the time to enquire further about its whereabouts as it would make no difference for tonight. It also gave me the perfect reason for calling Penny tomorrow and, if things don’t go well with the date, then it provides an excellent excuse to refocus my upset. Not all bad then. I settled on the tried and tested ensemble of plain black shirt, blue jeans, and brown boots.

Ironically, fa
shion is not my strongest suit.

Exercising my customary chivalry, I arrived a full ten minutes early and ordered a drink. Selecting a booth that was fairly secluded and so affording us the most privacy, I took a seat that gave me the optimal view of the full pub, and tried to make myself comfortable. I also tried to make myself look cool but quickly gave up as that was going to take far longer than the time available before “A” was due. I started scanning around the place in the hope of espying her first but then berat
ed myself for my own stupidity.

I still had no ide
a what she fucking looked like!

Unless, of course, she we
re to amble past in her bikini.

In the absence of anything better to do, I texted Penny and told her of my early arrival and horrendous nervousness. This was no exaggeration, I was physically shaking. In yet another delicious twist of irony, it was me who was needing a shake to get a grip of myself.
You are only meeting a girl, for fuck’s sake. It’s only a girl. Just relax.
I actually caught myself saying this aloud. I quickly checked to see if anyone had heard me as I hit the send button. It was a relief that nobody had. Thankfully, Penny’s reply was almost immediate and I really appreciated the distraction. I would be sure to thank her tomorrow.