Haeven (16 page)

I wondered what time it was and where Herrik
could be. After what had happened I was sure he wouldn’t just leave
me unless there was a very good reason for it.

“What did happen anyway?” I tried to
recall.

The events came back to me one by one and I
strung them all together as best I could until I found myself there
lying on the couch.

“Herrik,” I whispered nervously. “Where are
you?”

I slung my legs over the edge of the sofa
and slowly stood up. It was too cold dressed as I was so I wrapped
the heavy throw around my shoulders and began walking from room to
room searching for him. I felt along the walls as I went hoping to
find a light switch only to be disappointed.

“Herrik?” I called out every few minutes.
“Herrik?”

As each room turned up empty I grew more and
more fearful that I was completely alone. I finished my circuit of
the cabin and when I was done and sure he wasn’t with me I was
absolutely devastated. I ran to the front door and threw it
open.

“Herrik!!” I screamed into the emptiness
beyond. “Herrik!!”

The wind was the only answer I received. I
ran out into the fading light determined to find him. My heart kept
telling me he was there, that he was close and I knew I had to find
him or...I didn’t want to think about the
or
.

The snow was deep, up to my knees as I
walked and at times I mistakenly stepped into drifts that were well
above my waist. I lost the throw at some point and shivering and
shaking got turned around trying to find it. The darkness had
swallowed up what remained of the day and my fear increased
exponentially when I realized that I didn’t know my way back to the
cabin.

“Oh, God!” I thought. “I’m going to
die!”

I tried hard to banish the thought but it
persisted over and over again, “I’m going to die…I’m going to
die…”

“Herrik! HERRIK!”

I knew I needed to keep moving and
frantically threw myself forward thinking that if I stopped moving
the cold would hurry me to that fate. I trudged for hours it
seemed, hours and hours. Eventually my strength began to give way
and when I called out my voice sounded like nothing more than a
raspy whisper.

“Just give in to the inevitable,” my mind
suggested. “It will be just like falling asleep.” I had read it
somewhere and wondered if indeed it was true – that freezing to
death was just like falling asleep. “I’m so tired,” I thought. “So
tired.”

I made my way towards a massive evergreen
with a trunk several feet wide. Its branches were low to the ground
and so close together that they had kept most of the snow from
settling around its base. It was dry underneath and when I moved
around to the opposite side I had approached it from the tree
completely blocked the wind.

“This is nice,” I decided. “I’ll just rest
here a while and once I catch my breath I’ll be able to go on.”

I leaned back against the tree, pulled my
knees into my chest and closed my eyes. Before long my teeth
stopped chattering, the shaking and shivering that had been
rattling me right through to my bones began to subside.

It renewed my determination when I realized
that my body had stopped protesting against the cold. “You see,
that’s all you needed…some rest,” I told myself.

I decided to go on and tried to stand up but
I couldn’t feel my legs. I tried wiggling my toes but they wouldn’t
obey me. I reached back and tried to claw my way up the tree trunk
to standing but my fingers wouldn’t open or close and I couldn’t
get a good enough grip to hoist myself up.

“Oh, no. No…no…NO!”

I started to cry, “I can’t move,” I sobbed.
“It’s over; my life is all over.” I buried my face between my knees
again and abandoned myself to the idea.

Then the wind began to pick up again and I
thought I heard a voice being carried on its gusts. I lifted my
head full of hope.

“Herrik?!” my heart leapt with joy.

“Emily. EM-IL-Y!”

I saw a light approaching, bobbing up and
down, left and right as it moved towards me.

“I’m here! I’m here!” I called out excitedly
and prayed that he would hear me over the wind but I felt like it
was sweeping my voice away into the opposite direction. The light
changed course.

“No…no…don’t go…don’t go…no…please. Please
don’t go. I’m here. “Herrik!” I whimpered. It was useless. I was
too weak to raise my voice above the wind. The light disappeared
and with it all that was left of my will. I let out an anguished
sob, I closed my eyes and let go. I never heard his footsteps as
they hurried towards me. Never felt the pressure of his arms as
they lifted me up. I didn’t feel the roughness of his stubble when
he rested his cheek against mine. It was too late.

“No,” he commanded, “you mustn’t believe
that. It’s not too late…it’s not!”

We were in the cabin again. He was building
the fire. He was undressing me. I panicked, “No,” I muttered.

“I’m sorry…you’re too wet…too cold.”

He graciously looked away as he drew my
shirt over my head and wrapped a heavy blanket around me. Once I
was all bound up Herrik began rubbing my hands, my arms, my legs
through the rough folds. My skin stung and itched, tingled against
the pressure of his fingertips as he worked his way up and down my
limbs.

“Please Emily…please…”

I started shivering again, convulsing
uncontrollably. My teeth rattled so hard against one another I
thought they would break.

“NO!” Herrik leapt to his feet and shouted
with fury. He slashed his wrist and wrested me upright. He forced
my mouth open and thrust the angry wound against my lips.

He tasted so sweet, so warm and in my
delirium I wrapped my lips around the wide gash and drew deeply,
longingly from him. He was awakening me, electrifying my insides
and suddenly I realized what I was doing.

“Don’t…want…to be…like you…” I spat his
wrist out and choked out the words. Herrik flinched at the pain my
statement had caused and fell to his knees in an agonized discovery
of what he had done, what he had attempted to do.

All my aches, all my suffering was forgotten
when I looked at him. It was heart wrenching to watch such an
emotional display. I clutched the blanket to my chest, slunk from
the couch and squatted down in front of him.

“Herrik. Oh, please don’t cry Herrik,” I
cradled his head to my shoulder.

“Emily?” he looked up. “Emily!” his eyes
went wide with disbelief and a strange smile crept across his face.
He threw his arms around me and lifted me off my feet. His lips
found mine and he kissed me with a joyous, triumphant passion. It
surprised me and smiling I closed my eyes and kissed him back.

He looked embarrassed and ashamed when he
pulled away and put me back down. I felt very much the same and
turned my gaze towards the fire rather than face him but it was no
longer there.

“It’s…we’re…but I thought…” I felt a little
faint and the room seemed to shift and sway before my eyes,
“I’m…how did we get here?” I asked but never heard Herrik’s answer.
He wasn’t there any more either and I really wasn’t sure whether he
had ever been.

I carefully lifted my head off the pillow
and realized that I must have been dreaming. Nothing else made
sense. I managed to ease one of my arms from beneath the sheets and
ran my fingers over the covers just to be sure they were the ones I
recalled from Herrik’s bed or if somehow I was somewhere other than
his apartment which was the last place I remembered being.

After reassuring myself that I was still in
his bedroom I relaxed for a moment knowing that he must be
somewhere nearby. I wondered what time it was and when he would be
back. After all that had happened I was sure he wouldn’t leave me
there alone for very long.

“What did happen anyway?” I tried to recall
but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t. “Oh, Herrik,” I
whispered to myself. “Where are you and why do I feel so…so
hollow?”

I was terribly thirsty and awfully hungry.
With a willful determination I pushed myself up to sitting. I
trembled with the pain it caused and had to lean back against the
headboard for several minutes before the aching subsided to a
bearable level and I could try moving again. This time I swung my
legs over the edge of the bed and buried my face in my hands
breathing deep and slow.

After a few moments I felt strong enough to
try standing. The bed was raised on some sort of platform so my
feet were still several inches off the floor when I tried touching
it with the tips of my toes. It seemed like a very long drop and I
wasn’t sure I could fall that far and still hold myself upright. My
mouth was like sandpaper though and every breath I took seemed to
scorch my throat so against my better judgment I decided to try to
make it to the fridge or the nearest tap.

I braced myself with my hands down behind me
and scuttled across the edge of the mattress and cautiously let
myself down. Once my feet were firmly planted I waited a long
moment before I pushed myself to standing.

“There,” I smiled, “it’s not so bad now that
I’m up.”

I thought about where I was going, where I
needed to be and took my first step. The floor seemed to waver
beneath my feet and my head protested with an agonizing pain. I
knew I couldn’t go any further and reaching behind me flopped back
down on the edge of the bed. I buried my face in my hands utterly
defeated and tried catching my breath. I was gasping so loudly that
I didn’t hear Herrik approaching and when he laid his hand on my
shoulder I cried out in surprise and fear.

“Ssh, Emily. Ssh, it’s me,” Herrik whispered
and tucked me back beneath the covers. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here
when you woke. Ssh, ssh.”

“Where were you?” my voice full of
relief.

“Resting, Emily, just like you. Lie
still…I’ll be right back.” I wanted to clutch at his hand and
prevent him from leaving but he shook his head, “You need some
water and some fruit…something to cool your throat.”

I sighed in acceptance and listened to him
leave. Minutes later he returned with a tray that he placed on the
foot of the bed. Herrik eased me to sitting then tucked pillows all
around me to hold me in place. Afterwards he fetched the tray and
arranged it across my legs.

“Here, drink first.” I gulped and dribbled,
“Slowly,” he said, “not so fast Emily.”

I sipped over and over again pausing between
each mouthful until the glass was empty.

“Better?” I nodded, “Eat some of the fruit
and I’ll get you some more.”

I popped a grape in my mouth and chewed then
swallowed. I couldn’t ever remember tasting anything quite like it.
I followed it with strawberries and kiwi and apple slices one after
the other savoring their sweet, cool flavors. They were absolutely
delicious and intensely satisfying for some reason.

Herrik brought me another glass of water
that I used to wash the fruit down in between bites. He sat on the
edge of the bed and warily watched me eat. When I was done I smiled
contentedly. Without a word Herrik stood up and after gathering the
tray carried it away.

It was much brighter by then and I guessed
it must have been morning. I tried listening for the birds and the
other morning sounds from the garden but Herrik’s bedroom was on
the opposite side of the apartment from it. When he came back he
turned on one of the lights then came and sat down on the edge of
the bed again.

I could see him clearly then and there was a
great deal of worry in his expression. “What’s wrong, Herrik?
What’s happened?”

“I’m sorry Emily.”

“Sorry for what?”

Herrik cocked his head at me. He didn’t
answer but looked at me curiously, “How are you feeling?”

“I feel…well now that I’ve eaten…I feel
amazing!” I beamed. Herrik seemed hesitant but he managed to smile
back. “That means…it worked! It worked, didn’t it?!” I said though
more like a statement than a question.

“You could say that,” there was something
Herrik was keeping from me but I was too excited and relieved to
notice it.

“I need to…I need to do something right now!
Let’s walk in the garden!” I seized Herrik’s hand but only held it
for a second. It was such a shock! I sucked in my breath and pulled
back, “Oh, my! Why…why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what Emily?” Herrik’s voice was
calm but his eyes darted over me nervously.

“That Daemon is your son.”

Herrik started to deny it, shook his head
no. He looked away then back again.

“Please don’t lie to me.” I had gotten over
my initial surprise of the revelation and inched nearer to where he
was still sitting on the edge of the bed.

“I wanted you to trust me. I didn’t want you
to be afraid…of me…or what I might have done to find out where he
was.”

“But I don’t know…I’ve never known.”

“No, I know that, but you know more than you
think.”

I frowned unable to understand his meaning.
He took my hand again and I was assaulted with images.

"What's happening? What are you doing?" my
voice squeaked. "No," I tried to shake myself free. "No, I don't
want to know!" I insisted.

"I don't think you have a choice."

"Why?" I looked at Herrik imploringly.

He wouldn't answer me.

"What are you doing to me?!"

Again he would not answer. Herrik let out a
long, mournful breath. "I got married when I was 29. It was a
terrible mistake. I didn't love my wife. I was just trying to do
the right thing."

"Please," I begged but it was too late. It
was all there and there was nothing I could do to stop the
onslaught. "She told you she was pregnant..." I whispered.

“
Yes,” Herrik was slowly running
his thumb back and forth across my fingers and I watched entranced
as it swept from left to right then back again. “She was pregnant
with Daemon, with our son. I did my best while we were together; I
tried to make the most of it. I worked hard and bought us a home
and I tried…I tried so hard to care for her the way I knew I
should. Sometimes…sometimes, though, it was just too overwhelming
and I dreaded the end of the day when I would have to go home and
face her. She knew; she must have known. Her eyes…they…they accused
me, always seemed to be accusing me and I felt so…so…”