Handyman (11 page)

Eventually they quieted, content just to hold each other. Jack drifted on the edge of consciousness, sometimes wondering if this was a dream. If it was, it was the best dream he had ever had. He succumbed to Morpheus’ lure, falling into a deep, peaceful slumber in the arms of his lover.

Sometime much later Jack awoke, drifting upward into consciousness, aware he was happy before he remembered why. The reason for his happiness was beside him. Will lay on his side, curled against Jack, his head resting on Jack’s chest.

Jack stroked Will’s hair. He looked out at the silvered moon, recalling the song about the lonely man who falls in love and then the blue moon turns to gold.

He didn’t dare assign whatever was happening between them with the label of love, but this was definitely more than experimenting, of that he was certain. Yes, the sex had been
amazing
, but whatever was developing between them went beyond sex. A real friendship was blossoming, along with trust.

Jack, frightened but eager, had trusted Will, and that trust had not been misplaced. He marveled at how someone so young could be so wise and good. Not for the first time, he felt as if he were the younger of two. In some ways, he supposed, that was true.

Will stirred and sighed softly in his sleep. Jack shifted and Will rolled away from him, falling to his back. He looked even younger in sleep, his lashes shadowing his cheek, his lips rosy and pouting.

Jack’s mouth was dry. He also, he realized, needed to pee. Carefully he eased himself from beneath Will’s sleeping form. He adjusted the sheet over Will’s body, affection for the moment outweighing lust.

He went into the bathroom, flicking on the light. He used the toilet and washed his face. As he dried his face with a towel, he glanced at himself in the mirror and shook his head. No one he knew in the world would believe where he was right now, or what he had just done with another man. He hardly believed it himself. Time later, he thought, to figure it all out. Right now he just wanted something to drink. Will probably had water or juice in his fancy new refrigerator.

Quietly he moved around the room, finding and pulling on his boxers and jeans. He didn’t bother with his shirt, or rather, Will’s shirt. Instead he folded it and placed it, along with his belt, on a chair. With a last look at the still-sleeping Will, Jack left the room and went downstairs, heading toward the kitchen. He retrieved a bottle of cold water from the refrigerator.

As he drank it, he suddenly remembered the telescope, still set up on the back deck. He would bring it inside before the morning dew covered it.

Stepping outside in his bare feet, he breathed in the fresh spring air and looked up at the sky. The night was silent, save for crickets and the gentle rustle of the wind in the trees. It must be well past midnight, he thought. The stars had faded, outshone by the brilliant moon. He glanced at the telescope, smiling as he recalled Will’s generous gesture in offering it to him.

He would take it safely inside, and then go back upstairs in a moment. But for now he savored the quiet peace, letting his mind fill with the strange wonderment of what had happened between them.

He sank into a deck chair and closed his eyes, leaning his head back as he recalled Will’s incredibly erotic touch. He hadn’t known such sensual pleasure existed. Even now he could almost feel Will’s warm, wet tongue gliding down his shaft, sending spirals of heated ecstasy eddying through his cock and radiating out all the way to his fingers and toes.

Yet what they’d shared had gone beyond sex, as exciting as it had been. There had been a tenderness between them, a kindredness as Will had said, that surpassed mere physical pleasure. Jack was both excited and terrified by this realization.

“Will,” he said aloud, “could it be I’m falling in love?”

Will woke with a start, immediately aware the bed beside him was empty. “Jack,” he called. Maybe he was only in the bathroom. But no one answered. Will sat up, surprised at his strong reaction to finding Jack gone.

Usually he couldn’t wait to get rid of a guy, once he’d taken what he wanted from him. With Jack, however, the opposite was true. He’d felt so happy just lying beside him, listening to the slow, steady beat of Jack’s heart beneath his ear as they talked and whispered together. He hadn’t even been aware of falling asleep.

He’d felt safe. Yes. That was the word—safe, in Jack’s arms.

But where was he? Will swung his legs over the side of the bed and hurried over to his bureau, grabbing a pair of cotton pajama pants from the drawer. He poked his head in the bathroom just to be sure, but Jack wasn’t there.

“Jack?” he called, as he hurried downstairs. Surely Jack wouldn’t have left? Not without saying goodbye? “
Jack
,” he said again, louder. He made his way to the kitchen and noticed the back door was ajar.

He stepped outside and saw him then, sitting on a chair beside the beat-up old telescope, his head back, his hands laced over his chest. “There you are. I thought maybe you’d flown the coop.” He tried to keep his tone light, not wanting to admit how much it mattered to him that he had not.

Jack sat up and smiled at him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to wake you. I just came down for a bottle of water. The air is so fresh out here. I was just enjoying it for a minute.” He stood and they moved together into each other’s arms.

Will lowered his head, bringing his lips to Jack’s. They kissed for a long moment. Will could feel Jack’s cock rising against his thigh. His own cock responded in kind.

“Want to go back upstairs?” he whispered.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Jack said, his eyes sparkling in the light of the moon.

“Yeah, I have to go. I have to pick up a shipment of lumber for a client. I’m going to build a deck.”

“You work on Saturdays too, huh?”

“When you own your own business, you work whenever you can.”

They were sitting at Will’s breakfast table, sipping coffee and eating blueberry muffins. They’d returned to bed a little before dawn, again kissing, snuggling and exploring each other’s bodies. They’d slept late into the morning, but since it was still the weekend and markets were closed, it didn’t really matter.

It was a novel experience, taking his time with someone. Will loved Jack’s newness. The way Jack trembled when Will touched his cock, a shiver of pleasure running through his body. He loved Jack’s shy hesitation until pure lust left him raw with desire, eager for Will’s touch.

He’d stiffened each time Will had probed his ass. Will knew Jack wasn’t ready to go further than they’d gone—not yet. Hell, it was amazing he’d come this far, this fast, when Will thought about it. He wouldn’t have minded taking Jack back to bed for the rest of the day to continue their sensual, slow exploration of one another.

Jack, clearly, had other ideas. He pushed back his chair and stood. “Well, I guess I’ll see you around.”

Will was taken aback by this abrupt and less than warm goodbye. Hadn’t they just spent the night together, wrapped in each other’s arms? Maybe Jack was having second thoughts. Maybe he’d tried out the “gay” thing and was ready to move on.

Will’s defenses went up almost before he could stop them. If Jack wanted to act as if nothing had happened—fine. Two could play at that game.

“Great,” he said, his voice light as he forced a smile to his face. “I’m busy in the morning, but by afternoon I should be winding down.”

Shit
. Why had he said that? Now that meant Jack definitely wouldn’t come back tonight. No, maybe that was a good thing. Let Jack sort through whatever weird stuff was going on in his head right now. The last thing Will needed was to babysit him through another bout of heterosexual angst. If he wanted to come back—well and good. If not,
c’est la vie
.

“Okay,” Jack said. “Maybe I could stop by tomorrow evening. I’ll give you a call before I come. If that’s convenient for you.”

Convenient? What had just happened? Where did the incredible sweetness and intensity they’d shared disappear to? Why was Jack’s expression so closed? His demeanor so guarded?

Unable to get past what was probably just a defensive posture on Jack’s part, Will felt himself stiffening in turn. “Sounds like a plan,” he said, watching helplessly as Jack turned away.

***

Jack drove slowly along the road, his mind lost in thought. He wasn’t sure exactly what had gone down but he knew he was largely responsible for it. Why had he lied about a job? He had no wood to pick up or deliver. He had no deck job.

He’d been watching Will eat a muffin, licking a crumb from his fingertip. The gesture had somehow struck Jack as intensely erotic. He had forced himself to remain in his chair, casually sipping his coffee, instead of leaping across the table to grab Will’s hand and suck the finger he’d just had in his mouth.

He felt raw and incredibly vulnerable. Every nerve ending was alive and screaming from the amazing night they’d shared. It was the first time in his life he’d experienced such intensity. Beyond the sexual aspect, beyond the incredible physical pleasure, was something deeper, and much more frightening.

Jack Crawford was falling in love.

And the thought scared the living shit out of him.

Here he was, a forty-four-year-old widower with two grown sons. Sons who would be shocked, maybe even horrified, to discover their dear old dad was a queer.

Was he?

Am I gay?

When Will kissed him, he responded. Not just with his mouth, but with every fiber of his being. He came alive beneath Will’s touch. His cock raged, throbbing and aching for Will’s caress. Was it just Will, per se? Or did he love men instead of women? Well, in addition to women. He’d loved Emma. He’d been sexually aroused by her. How else could he have had sex with her for so many years? He’d never been turned off by her, or by any woman. He liked to look at pictures of naked women in the girly magazines as much as the next guy.

But this was different.

What was different, exactly? What was it that made this so much more intense? It wasn’t just the newness of it. It wasn’t just the novelty of touching and being touched by another man in such an intimate way. It was the
emotional
connection. That’s what was different.

Is that,
he wondered,
what truly defines our sexual orientation? Whom we connect with emotionally?
Though it seemed almost disloyal to Emma to admit it, he felt more of an emotional connection to Will than he ever had with her. Thinking back over the long years, he’d never felt so connected to someone, except maybe Luke…another man…

These thoughts and feelings, though not as well articulated at the time, had assailed him this morning as Will and he sat down together at the table. What in God’s name was he doing, falling in love like a teenager? Because, while he knew Will was having fun now, there was no way Will could ever love him back. Oh, he might think he was in love for a week or even a month. But if Will’s past love life was any indication, the thrill might quickly fade. He had admitted in several of their long, intimate conversations about their lives that he had never had a committed, sustained relationship with anyone, male or female.

Why should Jack have any reason to believe this time was different? Jack knew he shouldn’t fool himself. He was nothing special. He wasn’t particularly good-looking. He wasn’t young. He certainly wasn’t rich. No, the only thing he could offer Will at this point was the kick Will might get from initiating a novice lover in the ways of homoerotic play.

What a funny story to tell his buddies at the gym, to whisper to a young lover as they laughed in bed together. The thought sickened Jack. Sitting at the table with Will he had felt himself becoming defensive and angry, even though he knew he was only reacting to his own crazy, tortured thoughts.

Thus he made up the story about a job, as a way to save face for them both. He would make a graceful escape before Will had the chance to send him away.

Yet he hadn’t shut the door all the way, had he? He’d said he’d be able to see Will tomorrow, after he finished his nonexistent job for the day. Even if this meant little or nothing to Will, Jack found he couldn’t let it go—not yet.

At least Will hadn’t said he was busy. Jack even fancied he saw a look of confused pain flash over Will’s face when he’d said he had to get going. Maybe all of this really was just in Jack’s head. Maybe he was being totally unfair.

Maybe, but he doubted it. Will could have said something, anything, to indicate he didn’t want Jack to go. He hadn’t said,
What about tonight? Why don’t you come back later?
No, he’d gone blithely along, probably glad to get Jack out of his hair.

Fine. Jack Crawford forced himself on no one. The very idea was anathema to him. He clutched the steering wheel and pressed down hard on the gas. Usually a very cautious driver, he drove through an intersection just as the light turned red, feeling reckless, frustrated, confused and scared.

To make matters worse, his body recalled the hot, romantic moments shared together in the dark and his cock sprang up, aching for the man he was speeding away from. He dropped his hand to his crotch and massaged his erection through the denim.

Who the hell am I fooling? I want him. I want him in the worst way. I’ve never wanted anyone so much. Even if he’s just using me, or keeping me around for his amusement, I am hopelessly, head over heels crazy for the guy.

He pulled into his driveway, parked and cut the engine. He sat still, lowering his forehead to the steering wheel. “Love,” he said aloud, “is making a fool of me.”

***

The next afternoon the doorbell rang. Will, immersed in his work, didn’t register it at first. When it rang a second time he realized what he was hearing.
Jack.
Was he here? He had said he’d call first.

Will hurried toward the front door, but instead of Jack, Paul stood on the other side, breathing hard, sweat beading on his forehead. He was wearing running shorts and a sleeveless T-shirt that accentuated his lean, curving muscles. He looked good enough to eat.

“Hey, handsome. I was out jogging and thought I’d swing by.”

Will stepped back and Paul came into his house. “No handyman here today, huh?” he said with a grin. Will didn’t answer.

Despite himself, he couldn’t help but be attracted as he always was to Paul’s sexy body, the dark skin glistening with sweat, his teeth white and straight as he flashed a smile in Will’s direction. “Got a glass of water for a thirsty man?” he asked, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand.

“Sure, come on back.” Will preceded Paul to the kitchen. He handed him a cold bottle of water and leaned back against the counter, watching him drink it.

What was Paul doing here? Usually they met at the gym, worked out and then retired to one or the other’s place for sex. Will found himself a little out of sorts to have Paul just show up as he had. What if Jack also chose this moment to stop by?

Though he wasn’t precisely hiding the fact of Jack’s existence in his life, he wasn’t yet ready to share the details, especially not with Paul. Until he was sure in his own mind what it was he and Jack had, he wasn’t about to open it up to Paul’s scrutiny.

Still, Jack had said he would call first, so he’d have time to shoo Paul away before things got awkward.

“You’re quiet today. You seem distracted,” Paul said. “Guess I threw you off, just showing up, eh?”

“What? Oh, no, that’s okay,” Will lied. “I just finished what I was working on. It’s no problem.” He paused, adding, “I am expecting a call in a bit…”

Paul raised his eyebrows. “Why do I get the feeling this call involves another guy? No secrets between us, right? It’s not like we’re lovers, heaven forbid. Maybe we can have a little three-way fun. Come on, out with it.”

“No, nothing like that.” Will bit his lower lip and turned away. Now why had he denied it? Did a part of him know whatever Jack and he had shared had been a one-time thing? Should he admit to himself Jack wasn’t going to call—not tonight, not ever?

Paul looked unconvinced, but didn’t press it. Instead he said, “Well, I’m going to finish my run. I’ve got plans tonight of my own.” It was Will’s turn to raise his eyebrows. Paul laughed. “What did you think? That I wait at home for you to say let’s go work out and fuck? You know better than that.” When Will didn’t respond, Paul continued, “I met the hottest guy the other night at the gym. His name is Francois Laurent. He’s French, recently transferred by his company. He’s sexy as sin. He’s taking me out tonight to Torch. I might be able to swing you an invitation, if you want to come along.”

Torch was an exclusive gay club in the city, privately owned and known for the impromptu orgies that often took place in a room designed for the purpose, covered from wall to wall in mattresses and pillows, silver bowls filled with condoms and tubes of lubricant set discreetly about the room. Will had been to the club before. It had a waiting list a mile long unless you knew someone. He’d never participated in the orgies, though he knew Paul had.

“No thanks,” he said with a laugh. “I’ve got plans already.”
I hope.

He walked Paul to the front door and opened it. “Hey, have fun tonight. I know you will.” It was odd to admit he didn’t feel even the slightest bit jealous of Paul’s plans or the new guy he was with. While the sex had always been hot, there had never been more than that.

As they stood at the open door, Paul reached out unexpectedly and grabbed Will, locking him in an embrace. Before Will realized what Paul was doing, he kissed him hard on the mouth, only letting go when Will pulled away.

Paul gave him a smoldering gaze and then laughed. “Don’t be a stranger.”

As Will watched Paul jog down the road, he caught the back end of a red pickup truck as it drove slowly by. Jack drove a red pickup truck. Will stepped out into the yard but the truck had disappeared around the corner.

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Jack punctuated each curse with a bang of his fist to the steering wheel.
It’s your own damn fault. You said you were going to call first.
Yes, call to give Will time to send his lover home before Jack the idiot showed up.

He
had
been planning on calling, but somehow couldn’t think of what to say. He’d decided it would be better, as he had last time, just to swing by. Keep it casual—
I was in the neighborhood
…

He’d spent the day in his workshop, finishing the rocking chair and working on plans for a desk. He hadn’t been able to lose himself as he usually did in his work, instead obsessing about Will and whatever was happening between them. The minutes had dragged by endlessly until he’d finally given himself permission to shower and make the drive from New Rochelle to Scarsdale.

Seeing Will and the handsome black man locked in an embrace, heads bowed together in the kiss at his front door, had ripped through him like a knife plunged into his gut. Not that he should have been surprised. Will probably had men lined up around the block waiting to see him. He’d as much as told Jack he played around. Why should Jack be surprised?