Handyman (15 page)

“It’s so tiny, so tight,” Jack whispered. The finger pressed gently, slipping past the entrance. Will gasped with pleasure, lifting his hand to his cock to ease the ache there. He tightened his sphincter muscle around Jack’s thick finger, trying to suck it in farther. Jack complied, easing his finger farther into the hot grip of Will’s ass.

“Am I hurting you?”

“No, no, not at all. It feels wonderful.” Will waggled his ass, pressing back against the invading digit. He felt a second finger joining the first, stretching him, and he moaned. “Yes. Don’t stop. Yes…” Will massaged his cock, his nerves zinging, ricocheting from his ass to his nipples to his cock and balls with each twirl of Jack’s fingers.

He twisted back toward Jack. “Kiss me,” he demanded.

Jack complied, leaning up over his back until their lips met. He pressed deeper, his fingers now buried in Will’s ass as he bit Will’s lips and pushed his tongue into his mouth. Jack was panting, clearly aroused by what he was doing.

“Fuck me,” Will urged breathlessly. He was dying for Jack’s cock, desperate for it. He was never one to beg, not Will Spencer. He rarely lost his cool, even when the sex was hot. But this was different. He honestly felt if Jack didn’t fuck him, and soon, he would die. Never in his life had he wanted something, wanted someone, so much.

“Please,” he begged. “I need you.”

Jack’s fingers were withdrawn. He knelt back on his haunches, his cock in his hand. Their eyes locked as Jack leaned forward, guiding his shaft toward Will’s nether hole. When the head touched the entrance, Will shivered. He turned to face forward, resting his forehead on the cool sheets, his ass lifted high and lewdly spread for his lover’s invasion.

Jack seemed to hesitate, teasing Will with the head of his cock, which he touched to Will’s entrance before pulling back. “Please,” Will entreated. “I want you so bad. Please fuck me, Jack. Please.”

Jack leaned into him again, the bulbous head of his cock pressing into Will’s ass. There was the initial twist of pain, lasting only a second or two, and then…ah…yes… “Jack,” Will breathed, pressing back against the invading shaft. He gripped his cock again in one hand, keeping his balance with his forehead and one elbow against the mattress.

Jack was silent for several seconds, holding his position, only the head of his cock nestled in Will’s ass. Will tried to remain still, to give him a chance to get used to what he was doing. He failed, fidgeting and wriggling in his effort to impale himself farther on Jack’s iron shaft. He nearly whimpered with frustration.

Jack seemed to come alive suddenly, easing deeper into the passage. “God, it’s so
tight
. It feels incredible.” He moved forward, gripping Will’s hips with his hands as he guided himself farther inside. He groaned and Will answered with a moan of his own.

Leaning hard into him, he slid deep inside Will, his balls slapping Will’s ass as he thrust forward. He was breathing fast, his thick cock completely filling Will, leaving him breathless and gasping with each swivel.

He wanted to ask Jack if he was sure this was his first time. His movements were so deft, so seemingly calculated to draw every ounce of pleasure from Will’s body. But he couldn’t form the words. The pleasure was so acute Will had literally lost the capacity for speech. He could only make a series of grunting sounds in time to Jack’s thrusts.

He spit on his hand and returned it to his cock, stroking and pulling as Jack moaned and thrust behind him. Will clenched his ass cheeks, milking Jack’s cock with his anal muscles. Jack gasped. “Will, what are you doing to me? Oh God, it’s so good. It’s so fucking good.” Jack began to tremble, his cock pummeling Will’s ass in a frenzy. His fingers were digging into Will’s hips as he thrust hard against him, nearly sending him sprawling.

“Will. Will…I can’t… I’m going to…oh…” All at once his body grew rigid, except for the tremor in his loins. He gripped Will hard with his strong fingers, so hard it hurt, momentarily distracting Will from his pleasure. Jack’s grip loosened as he jerked and shuddered against him. Will could feel him ejaculating deep inside him. The realization thrilled him, giving him just the push he needed to climax. With a cry, he let himself go, coming into his hand as he called Jack’s name.

He let himself fall slowly forward, taking his lover with him. Jack remained buried inside him, his arms wrapping beneath Will’s body to capture him in a tight embrace. Will could feel Jack’s heart pattering against his back, or was it his own?

They lay like that for several minutes, until their hearts slowed their frantic beat. Will reached again for the nightstand, pulling a small plastic bag and a washcloth from the drawer.

When Jack rolled off him, Will turned toward him, removing the spent condom and dropping it into the trash can beside the bed. Jack flashed him a grateful look.

He wiped the ejaculate from his hand and tried to wipe a blob that had landed on his pillowcase, but gave up with a grin, tossing the cloth aside. Jack lay on his back, his hands crossed over his chest, his eyes closed. Will leaned up on one elbow beside him.

“So, how was it?”

“Incredible.” Jack’s voice was hoarse, his breathing still somewhat labored. He looked toward Will, his eyes shining.

Will smiled broadly. “I knew you’d like it. I can’t believe that was your first time, though. Some of your moves drove me wild.”

Jack let out a deep breath. He looked away for a moment, and then back at Will. “Well, it’s not all that different from being with a woman. I mean…” Jack blushed slightly, “you know.”

“Sometimes I can’t believe you’re actually in your forties,” Will teased. “You’re so ridiculously shy about certain things. You mean, it’s not so different from vaginal intercourse.”

“Well, yes, if you want to get clinical about it, yes.” Jack wrinkled his nose.

“I’ve wondered about that. I’ve never been with a woman.”

“Never, huh? No exploration in the back of the car on a date? Nothing like that?”

“Nope. I’ve always known my attraction was toward men. Unless you count children’s games, I’ve never even kissed a female.”

“I guess that makes sense. Most straight guys have never kissed a guy.” Jack grinned.

Will nodded. “I’ve wondered though, I mean in a casual way, how anal sex is different from vaginal. I mean, it’s got to feel different.”

“Sure. With a woman it’s softer. It’s more like a velvet glove sheathing you. A wet, hot velvet glove.”

“That sounds nice really.”

“It is nice. But with a man, well, from my one time of experience”—Jack laughed, looking embarrassed but happy—“it’s more like a vise. It’s like this tight ring of pleasure you push into. You have to move more, I guess, to get enough friction.” He turned toward Will. “That thing you did with your muscles. That was something else again. That definitely pushed me over the edge.”

“I’ve got lots more tricks up my sleeve.” Will waggled his eyebrows à la Groucho Marx. “You just stick with me, I’ll blow your world wide open.”

Jack smiled but then sobered. “You already have, Will. Believe me.”

“I know.” An extraordinary tenderness overcame Will, actually bringing tears to his eyes. Blinking them away, he touched Jack’s face with his fingers, drawing a line down his jaw.

I love you,
he almost said.

***

Jack sat on the bed in the room he’d shared with Emma for so many years. A picture of the two of them on their wedding day, looking happy, nervous and incredibly young, stared at him from the bureau. Baby pictures of Eric and Jason rested beside them, waving and grinning toothlessly from their frames.

Jack hadn’t been back to his place for two days. Will and he had spent a marathon in bed, making love until they couldn’t keep their eyes open, or hunger drove them in search of sustenance. Eric and Jason had each called him, Eric wanting to talk some more, “in person”, Jason checking in, he said, to make sure he was doing okay.

Knowing he couldn’t put it off forever, Jack had agreed to meet Eric that evening at his place. Plus he needed to mow his lawn, check his mail and get fresh clothing. He’d told Will he’d come back that night after what Will had jokingly referred to as the
inquisition
by his son.

Now that he was home, however, he was thinking maybe he should take a day off, as it were. Give them both a chance to catch their breath.

When he was near Will, he couldn’t seem to get enough of him. Though he was by far the older of the two, he had turned out to be the more sexually insatiable. Will teased him that he couldn’t keep up with him—that he’d have to find another guy to service him when Will wasn’t enough.

But he was enough. Never in his life had Jack felt so happy and, more than that, so complete. He hadn’t realized he’d spent his life incomplete, like a jigsaw puzzle missing some elemental pieces. Will had placed the pieces in exactly the right spots. Jack could almost feel the wholeness that seemed to exist within him now, a wholeness that had never been there before.

He glanced at Emma’s youthful, glowing face, feeling guilty as he admitted in stark terms she had never been enough. Yes, he had loved her, and she had loved him too, but the passion, and even beyond that, the
ease
he felt with Will, were completely new to him.

Though he mourned her death—of course he did—he wondered if he would have spent the rest of his life incomplete, and unaware of this incompletion. Had she felt the same way? Or was such a concept beyond her ken? Was the question even fair? Probably not. Nor was there much point to such speculation.

He had been as good a husband as he knew how to be when she was alive. Now, it seemed, he was about to start a new life, a whole new way of thinking and of being he’d only just begun to grasp.

There was no question it was harder to be involved with another man. Society, at least this society, still frowned and judged, for all its pretended acceptance in the media. Gay men were still the butt of jokes about interior decorators and limp-wristed handshakes. They were still the target of degradation, discrimination and violence, based solely on their sexual orientation.

Even in his own family, the bigotry and misunderstanding existed—Eric a perfect case in point. Even his own reaction, when he’d seen Paul and Will kissing at Will’s door, had been one of disapproval beneath the jealousy. Men shouldn’t indulge in public displays of affection, certainly not with each other.

And yet, why not? Why was it okay for a man and woman to kiss at their own front door, but not two men? Why could two women walk hand in hand down the street, but not two men?

He was beginning to recognize the courage it took just to be gay in a straight, reactionary society. He couldn’t help but wonder if he had the courage it took to face his own feelings honestly.

Would he tell his sisters? Anna, he felt, would understand. But would her husband? Would his other sisters, or his mother, for that matter, who was still alive? Would he bring Will home to family dinners and Christmas Eve? When Eric married, would he bring Will to the wedding as his significant other?

Jack shook his head. He was jumping the gun and he knew it. They had yet to say they loved each other and here he was bringing Will home for family holidays in his head.

Did he love Will?

Yes.

If love meant having your heart clutch with joy each time you saw someone, then yes. If it meant thrilling to their touch, be it casual or sensual, no matter what, then yes. If it meant wanting to protect them and care for them and make them happy, putting those things even before your own happiness, then yes. He loved Will.

While this was exciting, a feeling he never thought he’d experience, indeed, barely knew existed, it was also terrifying. Not just because they were both men, but because Will was so much younger.

He believed Will was sincere in his affection, but how long could it last? They were fourteen years apart. It wasn’t an impossible span, but it was significant. They were of different generations. They’d grown up with different music, different life experiences. Jack had been married when Will was only four years old.

Was it possible for two such people to make a life together?

Stop it.
Jack punched the mattress, annoyed with himself. Who the hell was talking about making a life together? They’d known each other a month, for God’s sake. They’d only been intimate for less than a week.

Live in the moment.

That’s what the affirmation book someone had given him when Emma had died had said. It was good advice, he knew. The past was done, the future was unknowable. Just live now, savor the joy that is now.

The doorbell rang and Jack forgot about the joy. Eric was waiting, no doubt ready with a new sermon about his father’s “bad behavior”. Jack sighed and moved toward the stairs, calling, “Come on in. The door’s open.”

“Hey, Dad.”

“Eric. Come in.” Jack peered at his son. He looked awful—wretched and woebegone. Surely he couldn’t be this miserable over Jack. Something else must be wrong. “Son, what’s the matter?”

“It’s Lisa,” Eric said softly. “I called her. You know, about all this. We still talk every night even though she’s ‘taking a break’ as she says.” He smiled a bitter smile. “Anyway, I thought she’d understand what I’m going through, but instead she bit my head off.” He looked indignantly at his father, as if he were somehow to blame.

They had walked into the kitchen as they talked, the center of family life when the boys still lived at home. Jack raised his eyebrows in question, not choosing to speculate just what Eric meant. He stirred the spaghetti sauce he had simmering on the stove and waited for Eric to continue.

“She said I needed to be more understanding. She said I was a—a bigot. She said I had a lot of nerve treating my own father like that, when I was the one who had invaded your privacy.”

“Did she?” Was Eric expecting him to disagree with Lisa?

“Yeah.” Eric fell into a chair at the kitchen table. “Jason told me the same thing, but that doesn’t count because he’s a— I mean he’s also…”

Jack glanced over at his son, almost feeling sorry for him. Why did he have to make things so difficult for everyone?

Eric hit the table with his fist, making the salt and pepper shaker resting on a woven mat at its center bounce. “Damn it, Dad. People don’t just suddenly
become
gay. Jason told me he’s always known he was—he just never found the right person before. He said he wasn’t sure how you and Mom would react so he just kind of kept it to himself. But he
knew
. So what about you, Dad? How long have you been carrying this sick little secret around—two years, five years,
twenty
years?”

Jack suddenly understood, and as a result he was able to let go of the rising anger Eric’s words had aroused in him. He slid into a chair opposite Eric. “You must really miss Mom. The two of you were especially close.”

Eric’s clenched fist loosened and he dropped his head to his chest. “Yeah.” His voice cracked. “I do.”

Jack reached across the table, gently squeezing Eric’s arm, any lingering anger completely given over to compassion. “I didn’t plan this, Eric. Of course I would have rather told you and Jason in my own time, on my own terms. I’m still just coming to grips with my feelings myself. It’s all very new to me.

“One thing I want you to understand in no uncertain terms. What I feel for Will in no way diminishes what your mother and I shared, or the love I had for her and always will. Nor, though I think you know this, does it affect my love for you and Jason.

“You ask me how long I’ve known. It wasn’t something I kept hidden from the world. Or maybe, to put it more accurately, it was something I kept hidden from myself. Maybe on some level I did know, but I was too shut down, I guess, to handle it.

“Before I married your mom, I had a best friend. His name was Luke. Something happened between us. Something—sexual. It was fumbling and unplanned and frankly it scared me to death. I rejected him—and the feelings the interaction raised in me. We had a falling out. I put it behind me. I got married so young, I never had a chance to really work those feelings through. I guess they lay dormant in me until I met Will.”

“Will,” Eric said, a sneer in his voice.

“Eric, you need to stop that. You aren’t a child. I wouldn’t denigrate or put down someone you were with, no matter who you chose.” Forcing himself to remain calm, again he touched his son’s arm.

“Eric, I love you. I’ll always love you. But the fact is, my life is changing, in ways I never imagined. I’m not going to hide it or shut it off to please you. I’m happy, Eric. My life has meaning. In some ways I’m happier than I’ve
ever
been. It’s like a part of myself has been kept hidden, even from me, until now. I feel it unfolding, full of potential.

“And yes, if you want to know, it’s scary as hell sometimes. It’s scary to be in a relationship where you really care. Where the other person can make or destroy you with a single smile or by turning away.”

“I know,” Eric said, his eyes suddenly bright with unshed tears. “I love her, Dad. I love her but I do everything wrong. I’m too possessive, she says. I suffocate her. If she only knew how much I love her, she wouldn’t feel that way. Now this, it’s just one more nail in my coffin. She says I’m a bigot. I don’t mean to be. It was just such a shock. You know, to see your own father like that…”

“I know, Eric. I would have felt strange walking in on you and Lisa.”

“It’s not the same.”

“It’s not all that different. Walking in on anyone in the middle of an intimate moment—”

“Yeah, but—”

“Yeah, nothing. I think you’re more freaked out because I’m your father than anything. I know I never thought of my parents as sexual beings until I was married myself. Maybe it’s part of growing up to realize they are, whoever their choice of a partner.”

Eric seemed to ponder this. “I think I understand. I want to understand. That’s why I wanted to come over again. To tell you I’m working on it. I love you, Dad. It may take me some time to get really comfortable with all this, but I’m willing to give it a try.”

Jack smiled at Eric, relief flooding him. “Maybe you could let Lisa know we had this talk. Maybe tell her what you just told me. It might go a ways to helping her see you’re not a bigot after all.”

“You think?” Eric said, his face hopeful.

“I have a feeling the two of you will work things out. If she wasn’t interested, she would just have broken things off, instead of ‘taking a break’ while still talking every night on the phone.

“I’ve found if you can really listen to someone, to what they’re really saying, that’s half the battle. Listen to Lisa. Pay attention. If she feels suffocated by the closeness of the relationship, step back, even if it hurts. Because ultimately, when she no longer feels pressured, if the relationship is right, she will come back to you. She’ll remember the things she loves about you and she’ll give you and the relationship another chance.”

Eric looked thoughtful. “Thanks, Dad.” He stared down at the table and finally up again at Jack. “Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry. I was kind of a jerk.”

Jack grinned. “That’s okay. I’m glad we could talk things through. Now, can you stay for spaghetti and meatballs?”

***

“So how did the talk go?”

Eric had left soon after dinner, eager to call Lisa. Jack in turn called Will. “It went way better than I expected, actually. Eric’s starting to see reason, thank goodness. His girlfriend told him he was a bigot. He heard her where he didn’t hear me or his brother, I guess. He stayed for dinner. We had spaghetti.”

“I’m glad, Jack.”

“Yeah.” Jack missed Will already, even though they’d only been apart a few hours. It occurred to him the very advice he’d given Eric might apply to his own fledgling relationship. Maybe he was spending too much time with Will. Maybe Will needed a little space, just like Lisa.

The thought was unsettling, even painful. Nevertheless, he decided to test the waters. “I was thinking maybe I’d stay over here tonight.”

“How come?” Will asked.

“I’ve got a job early tomorrow morning, for one thing.”

“Okay,” Will said slowly. “That’s one thing. Is there another thing?” Will’s voice was light too, but Jack sensed the sudden strain in it, which no doubt Will sensed in him as well. Was it always going to be this difficult?

“I don’t know. You might need a break. Maybe you have some things to catch up on.”

There was silence at the other end of the phone. When he finally spoke, Will’s voice was somber, even sad. “Are you having second thoughts, Jack? Is there something I should know about? Did I do something? Is something wrong?”

“
No,
” Jack responded quickly, his heart aching at the pain in Will’s voice. “It’s just…” He took a breath, and then, determined to be honest, he admitted, “I’m afraid I’m too much. That I’m going to push myself on you and you’ll get tired of me and send me away.”

There was a silence for a beat or two and then Will burst out laughing. “Jack Crawford, are you insane? I’m crazy about you. I’ve been missing you like mad since sixty seconds after you left. I was sitting here, feeling jealous of Eric because he was with you and I wasn’t, wishing I could have come with you, wishing I was more a part of your life.

“I almost called you like six times over the past few hours. I forced myself not to, probably for the same reasons as you—I didn’t want to appear too needy, too grasping. So, no—I can’t imagine sending you away as you so quaintly put it. I want you, Jack. I’m in love with you. I’ve never been happier than in the past few days.”

I’m in love with you.

Jack sat holding the receiver to his ear, the words reverberating in his head.
I’m in love with you
.

“Jack? Are you there? Jack?”

Jack recognized the magnitude of the gift Will was offering him. A new chance at happiness, when he’d basically resigned himself to a life alone—had even told himself he was content with his lot. He’d raised his family, he had good, steady work, he had his workshop and his garden…

He’d spent his life doing the right thing and trying to keep those around him happy, without regard to the terrible price he’d paid inside. He wasn’t old. He was only forty-four, for heaven’s sake. He had half his life left, waiting for him to seize it, to cherish each moment with a man who loved him.

Will was offering him the chance to
live.
Even more important than being loved was the chance to love in return. To let himself be vulnerable, to give of himself in every respect, even knowing his lover had the power to take it away.

No, he wouldn’t step back. He wouldn’t hide in his comfortable, quiet tomb of a house, pretending, as Will had called him on it, that he was doing it for Will. He would take the risk, all the risks that falling in love entailed. He would trust Will, and even more importantly he would trust himself.

“Jack?”

“Can I come over? Now? I have something to tell you.”

Will opened to door to Jack and held out his arms. Jack stepped into them and they kissed.

“Welcome back. What’s it been? A week, a month? I thought you’d never get your ass back here.”

Jack laughed. “You taste salty.”

“I was riding my stationary bike. I was just going to shower. Care to join me?”

“I’d love to.” Jack’s cock jerked to attention.

They washed each other, taking turns soaping up each other’s body, spending extra time on certain areas. Will lathered Jack’s cock, gripping it as he leaned down. “I want you, Jack. I want to take you tonight. Is it time? Are you ready yet to receive me?”

A sharp jolt of adrenaline slid through his gut. Ever since they’d first made love, it had remained one-sided. While Jack became increasingly comfortable with penetrating Will, he had yet to be on the receiving end.

It wasn’t that he found the idea disgusting or repelling in any way. Quite the contrary—he’d come to crave the intense intimacy the act created between them. He wasn’t even entirely clear on the source of his hesitation. He supposed it was part fear of a physical unknown—how could he handle such a huge thing entering such a tiny opening? Surely it had to hurt, no matter what Will said.

When he was honest with himself, he recognized the fear went deeper than any physical consideration. It was such an intimate act—such a complete bearing of oneself. He wasn’t sure he had the courage to render himself so completely vulnerable to another person, even if that person was Will.

Jack didn’t answer the question directly. Instead he climbed out of the shower, tucked a towel around his waist and took a second, larger towel. When Will stepped out of the shower, Jack wrapped him in the towel, sinking to his knees as he lovingly dried Will’s long, sexy legs.

He knew, suddenly, it was a matter of trust. He looked up at his handsome young lover and smiled. “Yes,” he announced, trying to ignore the butterflies beating their wings in his belly. “I want it. I want you.”

They lay together on the bed, naked in each other’s arms. They kissed, their erect cocks colliding. Finally Will disengaged himself from Jack’s embrace, sliding down to take his shaft into his mouth. Jack sighed, stunned anew at the nearly unbearable pleasure he experienced each time Will did this. Will licked and kissed along the shaft, his hands stroking and fondling his balls, his fingers exploring the cleft of Jack’s ass.

Jack tensed for a second, as he always did when Will touched him there. He knew intellectually this made no sense. He loved touching, probing, exploring Will’s intimate passageway—why should he be so shy, so uncomfortable when Will attempted to do the same?

Trust. He would trust Will to keep him safe, even if it pressed the envelope of his sensual comfort. He lay on his back, permitting Will to push his legs up and back, so his feet were resting flat on the bed, his ass exposed for his lover’s attention.

He closed his eyes, taking a sharp breath as Will dipped his head, lowering it past Jack’s balls to the tiny puckered hole below. Jack couldn’t help the shudder when he felt Will’s warm, wet tongue lick along the rim. Despite his anxiety, he had to admit it felt good.