Hang In There Bozo (4 page)

 

No, what you gotta do is jump back on your metaphorical horse and get on with the job at hand – surviving.

And that's just what I did when that rock landed on top of me. I got out because I had to get out. I don't know how exactly – all I know is I pushed and pushed against that rock, and even though it musta weighed about a thousand tons, it moved just enough and, with the help of some suntan lotion that I had in my backpack, I managed to sorta squeeze and slide out from under it.

 

IT'S WORTH GENNING UP ON A FEW SURVIVAL SKILLS RIGHT NOW – you never know when you might need them.

 

R
ULE 11: LIKE THE BOY SCOUTS SAY, BE PREPARED.

 

 

MAKING A FIRE

Fires are a must for survival. They can keep you warm, signal your location to passing search parties, allow you to cook food and distil seawater, or even keep bugs away.

Preparation…

You need A FIREPLACE (obviously), TINDER, KINDLING and FUEL.

A FIREPLACE

You're gonna need a fireplace so that you can contain and control the fire.

Clear away all the dry leaves and wood from the immediate area – you're starting a fire, not a forest fire. Make a shallow fire pit and surround with stones.

You wanna find a sheltered place, but make sure it's a ventilated one bozo, where fumes are free to escape. If the ground is marshy or snowy, build the fire on stones or logs covered with earth.

WARNING:
DON'T BURN ANYTHING YOU MIGHT NEED… UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU HAVE TO.

TINDER

Tinder is step one of any good fire. Basically, you wanna find stuff that burns real easily and quickly. Tree bark, dried grass, paper and cotton (from your clothing if you can spare it) make good tinder. Or you could crush up pine cones or birds' nests.

KINDLING

Kindling is step two: this stuff burns a bit slower, letting your largest logs catch and burn. Small twigs make the best kindling. If the outside is damp, shave the twigs with your penknife until you reach the dry part inside.

FUEL

Use only dry wood as your fire is getting going – once it's hot, you may be able to use greener stuff.
Hardwoods
like oak, ash or beech burn well and give off a lotta heat –
softwoods
like pine or bamboo burn faster and give off sparks. But in an emergency buster, you take what you can get!

In the tropics, you may need to shave wood down as everything tends to be damp. In polar regions, engine fuel can be used (for instance, if you have been in a plane crash then you may well have engine fuel at your disposal. Hey, you've got to look on the bright side.) Animal blubber can also burn, if you find a willing seal. And in forested polar places, birch bark and branches burn nicely.

FIRELIGHTING

Make a bed of tinder, then a wigwam of kindling to go around it. Light the tinder. Once the kindling is burning, add larger sticks. Of course, it goes without saying that matches are best for lighting. But what if you don't have a match? At a push you can light fires in other ways. For instance:

DAYTIME: USE THE MAGNIFYING GLASS FROM YOUR KIT

Focus the sun through the lens onto your tinder.

FRICTION

The principle here is simple: get a piece of hardwood and a piece of softwood (see ‘Fuel', above) and rub them together to generate heat that will ignite tinder. In practice it's not so simple 'cos it takes about a million years – but hey, at least the exercise will keep you warm till the fire's lit.

 

 

THE HAND-DRILL
Make a baseboard of hardwood. OK, so this isn't strictly speaking easy. But hey, you're the one who lost the matches. I don't know, look for a fence you can take a board from, or something. Improvise! Use your noodle. (I'm talking about your brain!)