Hang In There Bozo (9 page)

 

Clancy turned to look at Ruby. ‘Are you for real?'

‘I'm just saying,' she shrugged. ‘I'm not trying to freak you out.'

‘Well, FYI, I am freaked out, OK!' said Clancy.

If there is likely to be an encounter with wolves…

Make a fire
(remember to follow the correct fire-safety procedure).

Climb a tree
(you can sleep up it – see ‘
Finding Shelter
').

Look strong but unthreatening.

 

Wolves are pack animals: there is always a leader and the pack does what the leader says. Wolves are looking for easy prey so don't appear vulnerable and don't come across as scared.

OCEAN PREDATORS

Ruby started to make for the ocean surface. And then she caught her breath. Menacing grey shapes, like circling planes above her.

Sharks.

They were between her and the boat; they were between her and the boat and her and the rest of the ocean; they were everywhere, surrounding her, circling like some bullying mob.

But one of them wasn't circling; one of them was moving towards her…

 

OK, so you meet that shark you've been so eager to run into ever since you saw the film about the man-eating great white monster chomping on the surf-loving public.

What do you do?

As with so many of these situations, it's best to go against instinct and act bold and brave rather than flapping your arms and peeing yourself.

If you are under the water…

Stay still. If it comes towards you then swim towards it.

Sharks spend most of their time looking for something good to chow down on and they are not known for their good eyesight. What they aren't looking for is a fight so, by swimming toward them, you are letting them know that you do not consider yourself dinner.

If your shark friend doesn't take the hint then poke it with a stick. If you don't have a stick then bop it on the nose with the flat of your palm.

 

 

If you are swimming above the surface and you spot a shark…

Do not thrash around and for jeepers sake do not start peeing yourself.

Fight back: sharks can't be bothered to take on an angry swimmer if there's something a bit tastier out there like a nice blubbery seal. Put your head underwater and shout; sharks don't like a commotion. Swim with firm, strong strokes – don't flap about like you're scared stupid; they might mistake you for an injured fish.

If they do take a bite, they're more than likely not gonna take another: human flesh is not their thing, but this doesn't make a whole lotta difference as to whether you bleed to death or not. The good news is that the cold of the water will mask the agony of the bite and most victims claim to hardly feel anything due to the amount of adrenaline surging through their body.

This adrenaline will help you swim to shore. If you have a way of making yourself a tourniquet to stem the blood flow, so much the better. The two big dangers are loss of blood and dying of shock.

‘Clance,' Ruby said. ‘Sharks are not interested in human flesh – most attacks happen by accident. The shark spots a swimmer, mistakes it for a seal and goes over to investigate. The problem comes because sharks explore with their teeth – more often than not they take a bite and think better of it.'

‘That's very reassuring Rube – I feel a whole lot better – just wait while I go dive into the ocean.'

‘What you gotta do,' continued Ruby, ignoring her friend's sarcasm, ‘is try not to pee – they take this as a sign of vulnerability. Failing that, if he's got you in his jaws, bop him on the nose with your fist. The nose is very sensitive on a shark. He'll soon let go – on the whole sharks can't be bothered to fight. They're not used to it.'

‘Well, there's a coincidence,' said Clancy, ‘neither am I!'

If you do get chomped a little then get yourself to shore as quickly as possible.

 

 

ALIEN LIFE FORMS

It is very disconcerting to find yourself face to face with someone not of your species.

What to do when confronted by alien life forms…

Firstly, you must ascertain if they are friend or foe. This can be difficult – remember they may not understand your customs or greetings. A smile and a handshake may be considered highly aggressive actions and mistaken for baring of teeth and grabbing of limb or, in some cases, tentacle.

Try to keep a respectful distance and not stare. If it transpires the alien in question is foe, act like you are unaware of their hostile status – i.e. just play along – and, when the moment allows, give them the slip and run like crazy.

WARNING
: ALIENS OFTEN HAVE CONCEALED ZAPPERS.

OK, so not everyone believes in alien life forms and maybe you're one of them, but all I can say is it's best to observe
R
ULE 11
and
B
E PREPARED
. The Boy Scouts have it right about that one.

Either way, if you believe or don't believe, the above can be very useful info for encounters with all kinds of folks from the murderous to the downright boring. (See ‘
Survival Etiquette
'.)

 

 

RHINOS

Bad eyesight and great hearing make the rhino a little paranoid. Your best bet is to climb a tree if you're lucky enough to spot one while the rhino is charging. If you find yourself unable to get your jello legs climbing then stand behind the tree and cross your fingers.

All outta trees? Run in the opposite direction: rhinos are speedy on their feet (they can hit thirty-five miles an hour) but they are carrying a lot of weight so they aren't so quick at the turns.

BEARS

The first thing you gotta know about bears is they are unpredictable. Sometimes the best thing you can do is drop to the ground and play dead and sometimes this action merely suggests an easy meal and can cause you to wind up mauled to death. Sometimes it's best to face up to them, making yourself as big as possible, and wave your arms and shout your head off, but oftentimes this just enrages them and you may end up
without a head
, you just never know. For this reason it's wise to avoid meeting a bear at all costs.