Happier Than She's Ever Been... (14 page)

May couldn't do anything but nod. She was lost for words. She pulled Faith into a hug and buried her face in her cousin's hair. It smelt of patchouli oil. Together they toppled over and rolled around on the grass, laughing until May began to cry. Faith lay still and held her cousin, with May's head snuggled in the nook of her arm while May sobbed. Faith stroked May's long dark curls and soft white skin, and kept smiling, because she knew what May didn't yet: that this was the beginning of everything, and everything was going to be all right. In fact it would be wonderful.

Eventually May sat up, wiping her eyes and sighing softly. ‘But why did it all go so wrong? Why did I mess up my life so much, why did I do it? I thought, I mean… when I got to America I read all these books, about creating my dreams, and I believed them. And I thought when I finally got all I ever wanted, it'd make me happy. But now I think I didn't really have a clue what I wanted, 'cause it certainly didn't make me happy… in fact I only made myself even more miserable than I was when I had nothing.'

Faith lifted a finger to wipe a tear from May's cheek. ‘The problem with getting what you want is many of your desires come from the gremlin inside. It's all about striving, wanting to be better and have more. Not realising how wonderful you already are, not appreciating the magic in what you already have.'

May nodded, hiccupping. ‘That's the really crazy thing. I
was
happy, so happy, at the beginning of all this. Then I started to think it wasn't enough, I started wanting more… and I tumbled downhill from there.'

‘Well,' Faith said abruptly, smiling and jumping up, ‘now you're at the bottom again it's time to start climbing up. But this time pick a different hill. One that gives you what you need to be happy, not what you
think
you want.' She reached out her hands to May, who grasped them and pulled herself up.

Faith laughed. ‘There, you see. It's not so hard. You just need a little help from those who love you. And tell you the truth.'

The following morning May was snuggled on Faith's sofa, drinking rosehip tea. Her cousin was doing made-up yoga moves on the carpet, dressed in bright yellow satin pyjamas, giggling as she fell over her own feet.

‘Oh, God, it feels so good to do absolutely nothing at all.' May sighed. ‘I can't remember the last time I wasn't doing, planning, plotting and thinking, all the time thinking…'

‘Wouldn't it be cool if everyone spent at least half an hour a day doing absolutely nothing at all?' Faith grinned, poking her nose out between her legs. ‘It's such a wonderful thing for creating peace and perspective, and for helping people realise that who they are matters just as much, if not more, than what they do.'

‘Sounds good to me.'

‘And I mean absolutely
nothing
, not meditating or yoga or reading a good book, but nothing. Of course it helps to be in a pretty place, gazing out into nature. But even sitting in a chair staring at a wall will do.'

‘Why absolutely nothing?' May asked. ‘Surely relaxing activities are just as nurturing to your soul?'

‘Well, I'm not saying those things aren't good too,' Faith said, twisting herself upside down so she was bent over double and May could no longer see her face behind a curtain of dark hair, ‘but they're still somewhere in the realm of achieving something. When you do absolutely
nothing
at all, you're reminding yourself that life is short, that nothing you do is going to make you live any longer than you will, or make you a better person than you are, so you might as well stop and enjoy it before it goes by.'

‘Yeah, I suppose it's ridiculous really,' May said. ‘All that time I was trying to make my life better, I never even really enjoyed the betterness of it.'

Faith unwrapped herself and joined May on the sofa, stretching out like a cat. ‘Ah, that was lovely.' She gave a satisfying sigh. ‘Now I just need some sex.'

May laughed. ‘How do you do it? Stay so calm and centred in all this craziness? How do you keep your peace and perspective? Because I'm a little scared that as soon as I step back into the madness of life I'm going to mess it all up again.'

‘Oh, I don't know,' Faith said. ‘It's a life-long journey. You can't put pressure on yourself to get it right the first, second or even fifth time. Simply try to balance your spiritual side with your material side as best you can. And remember that what your material side wants is usually not at all the same as what your spiritual side needs and, when in doubt, always tip the balance in favour of the latter. Then everything else will take care of itself.'

May sipped the last of her tea. ‘I think I'll get that tattooed on my fingers so I never forget.'

‘And some foundations,' Faith said. ‘Get yourself some solid spiritual foundations. Then when the fame and fortune stuff tries to seduce you, when illusory promises of a fairy-tale life are waved in front of you, you'll find it much easier to keep hold of your spirit and soul, and to stop your heart from being stomped on.'

‘Yes.' May smiled. ‘I'd like to avoid being stomped on, if I can. So what are these foundations? Tell me, I need new material for my next book and, of course, my tattoos.'

Faith laughed at her cousin's question. ‘Oh, but I don't know what yours are. I only know mine. I think they're unique to each of us. We just have to find them.'

‘And where do we look?'

‘Life gives you clues,' Faith said. ‘You'll notice them if you're paying attention. Look around you, and listen to what people say. Not just when you've asked their advice, but often when it seems like they're saying nothing at all. I get the most wonderful insights from checkout girls.'

‘Yes, you would.' May laughed. ‘Lily told me something lovely a few months ago, a quote about asking life what it wants from me, instead of only asking for what I want from life.'

‘Aunt Lily?' Faith's eyes widened with delight to hear of a ghost giving advice. ‘How exciting!'

‘No, sorry,' May said, laughing, ‘it's another Lily, my American publisher. Although she did start to become a bit of a mum to me, actually, until I started ignoring her.'

‘I'm sure she'll forgive you.'

‘Not everyone is as able to do that as easily as you.' May thought of Ben and her heart contracted again. ‘And I don't know they should.'

‘Oh, May, stop punishing yourself so much. We all make mistakes. We're supposed to. It's part of being human; we can't learn without them. You've got to live, and bleed, and get your heart broken. There's no other way. After all, would you have believed me if I'd told you last year that getting your book published could – if you weren't very careful – make you more miserable than happy?'

‘No,' May admitted. ‘I don't suppose I would.'

‘So, please, let it go. Let yourself off the hook, get back to your life, but this time forget about what your gremlin wants,' Faith said, ‘and instead ask your heart what you need.'

But May didn't have to ask. She already knew. She felt it in her heart, body, blood and bones. ‘I need to go home.'

T
RUTH

The next day May returned to London. She met with her publishers again and told them that she needed to leave as soon as she'd fulfilled her obligations. Which meant ten days, in ten different cities. She wanted to jump on the next plane to San Francisco but needed to keep her word, so she stayed grounded and did her best to give her readings with gusto, respond with long, thoughtful answers to all her Q&As and chat with customers as she signed their books. And because May focused on taking care of those around her, instead of caring only about what she wanted, the ten days passed quickly and before she knew it she was flying home.

By the time May stood again on the corner of her San Francisco street, she half-wished she'd waited a little longer. She didn't know what to do or say to Ben. She paced up and down the spot where the taxi had dropped her, hoping inspiration and courage would come, but it didn't. Eventually she gave up and walked to the bookshop, put her suitcases on the pavement and peered through the window.

Ben was there, in the back, unpacking books and stacking them in little piles on the desk. Her heart hurt at the sight of him. The hands that had held her so tightly, the lips that had kissed her, the arms that had lifted her, the chest that she'd so often pressed her face against… May thought about everything they'd been through, the love and hate, the joy and pain. And she wished it had been different, wished that she hadn't lost herself – and him – in striving for illusions that meant nothing. And she wished he hadn't left her, body and soul, to sleep with someone else. But she knew there was no point; everything that had happened had happened, and all that mattered now was what would happen next.

May paused for a moment, then pushed open the door and stepped inside. As the bell tinkled, Ben looked up and froze. She walked slowly towards him, leaving her suitcases at the door.

‘Hello.'

‘Hi,' he said, still staring at her, still holding onto a book.

May waited to see what would happen next. She thought about forgiveness, about how far they'd both pushed those boundaries. But, although she wanted to turn and walk away, thinking it was all too much, too painful to go through, that it would be easier to start again with somebody new, May remembered what Rose had said about love, about how soulmates must bring out each other's most painful, unresolved issues so they can be healed. So there was no running away from this. If she ran now, she'd find herself back here again, years from now, with another man, not Ben. And she wanted it to be Ben; she wanted it always to be Ben.

‘I – I…' May stepped towards him slightly, tears in her eyes. But before she could say anything else, Ben spoke.

‘I didn't sleep with her.'

‘What?' May frowned.

‘I kissed her, I touched her, but I stopped.'

‘I don't understand, you told me… you told me that you did.'

‘I know. I think, I wanted to hurt you, I wanted to make you suffer, as much as I possibly could,' Ben said softly. ‘I wanted to punish you, for leaving me, for everything… Hell, I wanted to sleep with her, just so I really could hurt you. I know that's unbelievably horrible, but… anyway, I just couldn't. I didn't want to touch her. She wasn't you and I just, I just couldn't…'

‘Oh,' May gasped. ‘Oh –'

‘We were in a restroom, for god's sake,' Ben hurried on, desperate to get the truth out, ‘and I looked at her, and it was disgusting, she was disgusting, I was disgusting… and I ran out. But I knew it was the one way I had left to hurt you. You didn't seem to care about anything any more, not about me anyway; you were so… indifferent. I thought… I don't know. I don't know what I was doing. I never, never felt so, so… When I thought you were leaving me, I didn't think my heart could hold so much pain.'

May walked towards him, sniffing, tears running down her cheeks. They stood a few feet from each other. Ben held the book against his chest like a shield.

‘I
did
love you,' May said. ‘I
do.
Then. Now. Always. I just… I was so lost inside another world, the insane, ridiculous world of illusions and gremlins and, anyway, I lost my heart. I couldn't feel anything any more, not love, or pain, or joy. I was numb to everything except wanting…'

‘Not me,' Ben said. ‘You wanted everything, but you didn't want me.'

‘Oh, God, no, that's not true.' May blinked away her tears, trying to focus. ‘I wanted what I didn't have. More fame, attention, adoration. More fortune, book sales, deals… But it wasn't real. I mean, my wanting wasn't real. I didn't
really
want all that, not in my heart and soul. The only problem was I'd completely lost touch with those parts of me, and all I could hear was my mind, telling me every minute of every day what I wanted, how much, how much more…'

Ben sighed a little, leaning against his desk and sitting down. ‘I should have said something,' he said. ‘I just let it happen. I saw it, but I didn't even try to help you.'

‘Oh God, it's not your fault,' May exclaimed, ‘not even a little bit, not at all. I wouldn't have listened. I'd probably just have yelled at you. Or ignored you, like I did with Lily.'

‘No, you're wrong,' Ben said. ‘I mean, I know you would have yelled and all that, but I was responsible too, for your well-being, for the state of our relationship. I let you down. I let you lose yourself and I didn't say anything. You were like a drunk, or a drug addict shooting up in front of me, and I just let you do it, because I didn't want to lose you.'

‘Don't be silly,' May said. ‘That's ridiculous.'

‘Is it? Really? Remember what we agreed?' Ben asked. ‘We agreed to tell each other the truth, to love each other enough to do that, to… what was it you told me once?'