Hard As Rock (31 page)

Derek slid the money across the counter towards them. “I just want to let you guys know I appreciate you taking care of me, that’s all.”

“…uh, okay… if you’re sure…”

“I’m absolutely positive.”

“Thanks, dude!”

“Don’t mention it. We’ll take two of the gyro combos and a couple of Cokes,” Derek said. Then he grabbed me by the hand and led me into the other room.

“Cool, man, be right out,” Zeke called after us.

“That wasn’t ostentatious at
all,
” I said as we sat down in a deserted section of tables.

He grinned. “Well, I won’t be spending my money on drugs and alcohol anymore, so I’ve got to spend it on something.”

“I’d be happy to pay for the food this time, but I can’t cover
that
little outlay of cash,” I said.

He looked at me questioningly.

“You don’t remember?” I huffed in mock frustration. “You paid, and I – ”

He laughed. “And you got all bent out of shape because you thought that was too much like a date.”

“Yeah.”

“Is this too much like a date?”

Yes, it is,
a little voice whispered.

“Seeing as you closed down the whole restaurant, no, it’s a little too
weird
to be like a date,” I said.

He grinned. “Well, things have changed.”

“That’s for sure.”

“Besides, your boyfriend knows you’re here with me this time, so you should be in the clear.”

There was something off in the way he said ‘boyfriend.’ Like a trace of bitterness, but just a hint.

I knew better than to ask him why.

“He doesn’t know I’m here
exactly,
” I pointed out.

“Close enough.”

“Why
are
we here?”

“This was one of our dates.”

“I know that, but we only came here once. Why here?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know… probably because I feel like a big change happened here.”

“What do you mean?”

“You started acting differently towards me here.”

“Yeah, I got up and walked out on you.”

He laughed. “That’s right – I’d forgotten about that.”

“Did your ego get in the way of your memory?” I joked.

He smiled. “Maybe.”

I immediately felt bad. “I didn’t mean – ”

“I know, you were just being funny. But… maybe.” He stopped to think, then shook his head. “No, actually, I have a really good memory of this place. This was the turning point for me… where I think I convinced you to give me a real chance.”

“I think the turning point, if there
was
one, was out there on the street where you got me to agree to go to rehearsal at Ryan’s house.”

“Yeah, well, it’s a lot easier to close down a restaurant than all of Main Street.”

“True.”

“Why’d you walk out on me? I don’t remember.”

I shifted uncomfortably. “You got way too sexual. You made some comment after I’d warned you a couple of times.”

“Yeah… that sounds about right,” he mused. “Well, no worries, it’s not going to happen again tonight.”

There was a part of me that felt let down as soon as he said it.

“What else did we talk about?” he continued. “I remember we’d just seen a movie…”

“
Eastern Promises,
” I said. “At the student center.”

“That’s right,” he realized. “That’s how I got you to go in the first place: Viggo Mortenson’s ass.”

“That’s not why I went at all!” I shrieked as he roared with laughter.

“Well, it was either you went because of Viggo Mortenson’s ass, or you went to be with me. So which was it?”

I blushed. “…to be with you.”

He nodded in satisfaction. “I knew it. I just didn’t know if
you
knew it at the time.”

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “I think I didn’t want to admit it at the time.”

“Yeah… I know all about that,” he said philosophically. “Not wanting to admit things to ourselves.”

We sat in silence for a few seconds. When it became uncomfortable, I said, “So what, are we going back to all the places we went on dates? The student center?”

“Naah – other than the movie, we didn’t do much there.”

I expected him to add in something like
If we’d had sex while we were in there, then yeah,
but he kept it completely clean.

“Five Guys?”

He shrugged. “We just picked up burgers there.”

“What about the Krispy Kreme?”

For the first time, his face darkened. His expression looked caught somewhere between pain and sadness. “No. I don’t ever want to go back there.”

I froze. “I’m sorry, I just – ”

“It’s okay,” he said softly. “It’s fine. I just… I don’t want to go back. It… it hurts too much.”

I nodded miserably, and we sat in silence until our food came.

The awkwardness passed, and we started reminiscing again. About me comparing him to Maroon 5… about him taking off his shirt and showing his tattoos… and about his awesome ‘ass-omeness.’ By the end I was howling with laughter.

We actually ended up staying almost three hours. Derek paid some more money, we had complete privacy, and the counter guys were ecstatic.

It was almost eight o’clock when we finally walked out into the twilight. We got in the car and Derek started down the street – then made a left turn into a deserted faculty parking lot.

“What are you doing here?” I asked as he parked the car.

“You don’t remember this place?”

“Yeah, I remember,” I said, my heart beating faster. “But what are we doing here?”

“There’s some loose ends I need to tie up,” he said as he got out of the car. I sat there, unmoving, until he poked his head back in. “You coming or what?”

My hand trembled as I unbuckled the seatbelt and opened the door.

This was the parking lot where I had blindsided him about going away to Syracuse, for one thing.

It was also the first time he had tried to kiss me.

I hadn’t let him, but… I had wanted to. Desperately.

I got out of the car. He was already leaning against the BMW’s trunk, just like four years ago.

“Come over here,” he said.

I was intensely uncomfortable. He was absolutely gorgeous, his chiseled profile just barely visible in the dim street lights. And my memory of that night – of the overwhelming sexual tension between us – was starting to bleed into the here and now.

The only difference was, his whole energy was different. He was being totally non-sexual, totally non-threatening. He had stayed in the Friend Zone the entire night, without a single attempt to step out of it.

This is just him dealing with our past,
I reminded myself.
This is just him getting closure.

I walked over and stood stiffly beside him in the growing darkness.

He shook his head. “Relax. Jesus.”

“This is… this is kind of a charged place for me.”

“Yeah, for me, too. That’s why we’re here.”

“Mm,” I murmured as I leaned against the car beside him.

We stood there in silence until he finally spoke. “Do you remember what we talked about here?”

“Me going to Syracuse.”

“Yeah, definitely that. Remember what else?”

“I… I told you that my mother cheated on my dad.”

“Yeah.”

“I hadn’t ever told anybody about that before you.”

“I didn’t know that. Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For telling me now. And for trusting me enough to tell me back then.”

We exchanged a sad smile, and then I looked out into the distance. “I went and talked to my mom before we came to Athens. About… that.”

“Yeah? How did it go?”

“Surprisingly well. I think… I think I finally forgave her.”

“Really.”

“Yeah.”

“Sounds like you did some therapy of your own.”

“I did,” I said, realizing he was right. “Not only that, but…”

I stopped talking when I realized what effect my words might have on him.

“What?” he prodded.

“What I was going to say isn’t exactly…”

“Is it something about me?”

“Kind of.”

“And you’re worried I won’t like it.”

“…yeah.”

“Tell me anyway.”

I hesitated.

“I can take it,” he insisted.

“I tried to talk to my dad about the affair, and it didn’t go over well. The way he acted… it reminded me of the way Kevin used to treat me.”

“Yeah?”

“And the way you treated me,” I said quietly.

Derek was silent for a moment.

“When things were bad between us?” he finally asked.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“That wasn’t why I brought it up,” I said, frustrated. “I just meant that… I think I went out and found guys who treated me the way I expected to be treated by men, because my dad kind of trained me to expect it.”

“Wow. You really
did
do some therapy.”

“Yeah. I guess I did.”

“I treated you okay back then, didn’t I? Four years ago?”

“Yes. Yes, you were… you were wonderful,” I said wistfully – and a little guiltily. I couldn’t imagine that Ryan would be okay with overhearing me say it.

“But I did treat you pretty badly the last few weeks of the tour.”

“…yeah.”

He nodded as he stared out into the distance. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to keep saying that.”

“I just want you to know that I realize I was really fucked up, and that when I say I’m sorry, I mean it.”

“I know you do.”

We were silent for a little while longer, and my heart ached in that silence.

“Do you remember what else we talked about that night?” he asked.

“I just remember… you tried to kiss me.”

“I did. Do you remember why you wouldn’t?”

“Because I had a boyfriend.”

“Uh-huh. And do you remember what I asked you about him?”

I honestly didn’t. “No.”

“I asked you if you were in love with him.”

Like a flash, it all came back:

Do you love him?

I… yes.

Are you IN love with him?

It’s the same thing.

No, it’s not. You can love somebody and care about them deeply… but being in love with somebody is your heart skipping a beat when they walk in the room.

Suddenly, fear coursed through my veins. My heart started pounding. I stood up straight and walked away from the car.

It wasn’t fear of violence or of being attacked.

It was the fear that I had suddenly found myself in a situation I didn’t want to be in:

Being seduced.

The parallels between four years ago and now – they were too close.

If I didn’t know better, I would have said he had been plotting this.

That he had been planning this entire evening just to lead up to now.

“I want to go,” I announced in a shaky voice.

“Not before I ask you the same question as four years ago.”

That was when he stood up, and I knew all my fears were justified.

There was a total shift in the way he looked at me, in the way he moved. It was like he had been wearing a costume the entire evening and now he had thrown it off. Sexuality radiated from him in waves. His eyes locked on mine with a hypnotic stare; I could see the light glinting off them in the darkness.

All the feelings I’d ever had around him – all the attraction, all the sexual longing – suddenly surged through me. My body reacted in ways I didn’t want. I could feel the skin on my neck flushing. My nipples hardened. I could feel a warmth between my legs, and the first beginnings of wetness.

“I want to – ”

“Do you love him?” he interrupted.

“You lied,” I whispered angrily. “You’ve been lying this whole time.”

“No I didn’t. I went through rehab. I went through therapy. I went through all my shit, and I realized I’ve fucked up over and over my entire life – but the worst thing I ever did was not treating you right, not treating you the way you deserved. And I swore to myself that when I got out, I would make that right. That I would get you back, and show you that I love you, and that I’ll never do those bad things again.”

I was shaking. Those words… they pierced straight through me, down into my soul.

But I was still angry, and that was what I hung onto. That was
all
I had to hang onto.

“You lied to me about coming out here tonight,” I seethed.

“No I didn’t.”

“You said you wanted to bury the past.”

“And that’s true. I want to bury all those bad things I did to you, and all the anger and hurt that you felt because I treated you wrong. I needed to do that so you and I can start over again.”

“Why did you take me all those places?”

“To make you remember what we had. What we
still
have.”

“No you didn’t! You brought me out here to try and seduce me!”

“I brought you out here to tell you I love you, and that I never stopped loving you.”

My heart cracked a tiny bit when he said that. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

But I didn’t entirely believe him.

“Why did you sleep with her, then?” I asked, my voice unsteady.

His shoulders slumped, and he suddenly looked helpless and very, very weary. “Because I was an idiot.”

“That’s not good enough,” I said, suddenly angry.
“Why did you sleep with her?”

He stared off into the night, as though gathering his resolve – and then he looked back at me, as though he was finally tired of running.

“Because I hadn’t forgiven you for what happened four years ago. That was why I was such an asshole the last couple of weeks of the tour, although I didn’t realize it at the time: I was punishing you for hurting me. Once the newness of having you wore off, all the old feelings of resentment started to come back up to the surface. And because I had never had a girlfriend before, and it was driving me crazy not doing what I wanted,
when
I wanted. And because I was immature enough that I thought I should be able to do whatever I wanted and nobody should call me on my shit. And since you’d broken my heart, I figured that justified everything. Plus… we weren’t getting along – I know, I know, it was because of me, I know – and I felt trapped, and…” He trailed off, then shrugged. “Do I have to go on? It’s basically just variations on me being a self-centered dick.”