Hard Core (11 page)

Chapter 23

-Jacy-

The terrifying moments
on the pier had drained the emotion from me, and I couldn’t even work up the energy to cry. And as dreadful as I felt, I didn’t want to give myself the luxury of a good tear session. What I deserved was a kick in the ass. I’d stayed below, out of sight, just long enough to see that Mike had somehow convinced the police to let Ledger go, then I headed home. Alone. It seemed alone was always best for me, no one to disappoint me or break my heart or ruin the independence I’d made for myself. I’d been so great about keeping it that way, solitude with only myself to depend on, but I’d had a moment of weakness. I’d let a handsome, sweet-talking man who seemed too good to be true, pull me out of my comfort zone. I’d allowed myself to get caught up in a swirl of flirting and sex, and, for those few blissful moments, it had been heaven. I’d simply forgotten my number one rule—don’t get carried away because there is always some major problem, some unseen detail waiting to slap me back down to earth. Ledger had been honest about having a troubled past, but never, in any of our conversations, had he mentioned jail time.

Today, of course, he’d acted the true hero and at the same time, shown that he wasn’t someone to be messed with. But the story had ended on a bitter note, a sharply bitter note. I had no idea how I would have felt if he’d told me himself, before I had to hear it from a police officer. I probably would have been just as disappointed, but possibly less hurt. Definitely less shocked. I, of course, had no idea what he’d done. I had to erase all the possibilities from my head. I had an ex-husband in jail and I knew what he’d done. If Ledger had done anything as close to unforgiveable as James, then I was better rid of him. I only wished I’d never started with him in the first place. Me and my damn nosy neighbor basket of muffins.

I hugged my arms around myself for a shield against the cold and to hold myself together. I needed the solitude of my house and the comfort of my dog. I’d walked past Bombay Cottage and looked up at the sad, little house. Having Ledger just a short walk away wasn’t going to be easy, but I had to stay strong. I could manage.

I breathed a sigh of relief and raced up the steps. Rex was sitting in the front window with his swirling tail kicking up a tornado behind him. He was my most solid, trustworthy friend. Aside from hiding an occasional dead lizard under his pillow, he had no secrets, no disappointing surprises.

I opened the door and walked inside. Rex ran to me with his usual slobbery greeting. I dropped to my knees and hugged him to me.

Chapter 24

-Ledger-

Once the chaos
and the police finally cleared away, I helped a still visibly shaken Mike lock up his bikes. He was more hunched than usual, and his limp was even more pronounced as he finished closing up his stand.

“Maybe we should get you to a doctor to see about your back, Mike. You took a hard fall.”

“Don’t need a doctor. Just a few aspirins and a beer and maybe a short rest before I hike to my car.” He hobbled over to the bench, one of a dozen that had been bolted down along the railing for visitors to sit and take in the view.

I finished locking up the last of his bikes. The city allowed him to leave them on the pier overnight with the understanding that it was at his own risk. At night, he locked all the bikes in a long chain that was attached to a cement pylon.

Mike patted the bench. “Come on over here a minute, Ledger. I want to talk to you.”

I walked over and sat down. The sun was low enough in the sky to look as if the water was swallowing it up. Mike looked pointedly at my swollen knuckles. “You should ice those tonight. You’ve got one hell of a hook, by the way. But I guess I’m not surprised.”

“Thanks again, Mike, for getting me out of the arrest.”

“Seriously? That was nothing. It was the least I could do after you stepped in to save my life.” He tapped his temple. “I’m just glad that even though everything below the neck is disintegrating with age, the noggin is still sharp and clear. As soon as I heard the cop’s name, I thought, it had to be a relative. There just can’t be that many people with the name Oxbury. Guess you got lucky it happened to be the right Oxbury.”

I smiled and shook my head. “Yeah, that kind of luck doesn’t come around too often in my life.” I leaned back. A cluster of noisy seagulls had gathered in a cloud of feathers hovering over a tangle of seaweed. The birds took turns diving into the seaweed to catch whatever tiny animals were hiding within its ropy vines and rubbery leaves.

“I was eleven,” I started. I had never talked about that day. Even my parents avoided talking about that day and with good reason. It still easily ranked as the worst day of my life. I’d suffered plenty of bad days and horrid blows since then, but that day still stood out as the worst. The wounds from that day would never heal. I still dragged them around with me.

Mike grew quiet and listened.

“My best friend, Kyle, and I had hiked up to one of the old copper mines in the hills behind our neighborhood. Kyle and I were completely different, which really worked for our friendship. He was always levelheaded and thought stuff through, whereas I was the impulsive risk-taker. So, he helped me to not do too many crazy things, and I helped him take more chances. We were both tired by the time we reached the frail, run-down barrier that had been constructed around the mine. It was an old one that had been mined out for at least fifty years. The company had put up some chain link to keep people out, but it was easy enough to climb. There were some soda cans and beer bottles sitting at the mouth of the mine, so I figured plenty of people had jumped the fence to explore the empty cavern. I didn’t even hesitate. Kyle stood on the outside of the fence, telling me I was an idiot and that he wasn’t coming in after me if I got stuck. I explored the inside, on my own, but I was determined to get Kyle to jump the fence and join me. I hid and I called for him. I told him my foot was stuck, and I needed help. Good friend that he was, he ignored his earlier promise and climbed over the fence. I could hear him breathing hard, like he was nervous as he walked deeper into the mine to find me. I hopped out from behind an old mine cart, one that had been toppled on its side and buried by years of dust. He was pissed at first but then he laughed. He decided that since he’d already climbed the fence, he might as well do a little exploring.”

I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the briny air. “He followed the old track lines ahead of me. I stopped to pick up a shiny rock, and I heard a thundering sound up ahead. A big cloud of dust exploded in front of me, and I could feel some of the walls around us giving way. I yelled for Kyle, but he didn’t answer. As the dust settled, I could see that the opening that Kyle had walked through was closed off by rocks and dirt. I dug like crazy, but every time I made some progress, more dirt and rocks would tumble down to fill up the hole. I was yelling for him, but he never responded. I ran so hard and fast back to my house, that the second I walked inside I puked on the kitchen floor.”

I stopped and stared down at the red, swollen knuckles on my hand. That day my hands had bled from me trying to dig out Kyle. “By the time they got to Kyle, he had suffocated. His parents were there standing with my parents, looking as if they themselves were suffocating with worry. When the rescuers carried him out, he looked small and limp. He was covered with dirt. Couldn’t even see the colors of his shirt. His mom screamed at me, told me she’d warned him I was no good, that I was trouble. My parents didn’t even step forward to defend me. I knew they were in shock from it all, but they had nothing to say. There wasn’t anything to say. If I hadn’t tricked Kyle, he would never have ventured into the mine. My best friend was dead, and it had been completely my fault.”

“That’s a tough thing for any kid to go through,” Mike said. “And I’m sure that it will stick with you forever, Ledger, but it can’t dictate how you live the rest of your life. You’re not an eleven-year-old kid anymore. It was a tragic accident, but it was an accident.”

“It shaped how my parents and the rest of the town saw me. I could never get out from that shadow. And it’s followed me around since that day.”

“You can’t lose a shadow like that, but you can sure as hell walk next to it instead of under it. I can assure you that, horrible as that incident was, it’s nothing compared to the things I saw and did on the battlefield. For that one big shadow you’ve got following you around, I’ve got hundreds. I’ve just learned to walk next to them instead of under them.”

I looked over at him and put my hand on his shoulder. “You are a wise man, Mike. I will keep those words in my mind.”

“Listen, the way you stepped in today, with no regard for your own safety, it shows that you have been too hard on yourself. There’s a lot going on with you, you just have to tame it into one solid man. I think Jacy sees that too.”

I shook my head. “I doubt Jacy will ever talk to me again. She needs someone better. I’m not worthy of her attention.”

“Then make yourself worthy.” Mike’s tone reminded me of my dad when he was lecturing me about how to turn myself around.

I looked over at Mike.

“I mean it, kid. Don’t sit here and tell me you’re not worthy. Make sure that you are. I’ve known Jacy long enough to see that she was enjoying your company. I’ve never seen her look that happy or smile so much. Now, if you give up on her, then no, you’re not worthy. It’s up to you.” He drew in a long, steadying breath. It was obvious he was in pain. “I will see you later. I’m going home for that aspirin.”

I helped him to his feet and made sure he got to his car. Then I headed home along the beach. The sunset was striking enough to help my mood. I thought about Mike’s advice, but I wasn’t completely sure what to think. As much as I wasn’t ready to give up on Jacy, I was having an equally hard time convincing myself that I would ever be good enough for her. She was everything good and right with the world, and I was definitely not. And, most importantly of all, she’d already gone to hell and back with the wrong man. I doubted she would ever consider taking a chance again, especially with someone like me.

I could see a flicker of light on in her house. She’d gone home thinking badly about me, and that hurt worst of all. I desperately wanted to let Jacy know that I wasn’t her ex-husband. I was nothing like him. I needed her to know that. But that was impossible. Jacy had no idea that I’d just spent the last two years of my life living in the same cell as her ex-husband. She had no idea that I’d come to Rockwood Beach not just by fate but to find her, to find the woman I’d fallen in love with long before I met her.

Chapter 25

-Ledger-

Orson State Penn, 5 months till release

Four times a
year, those of us in minimum security had a visiting day, where families could come and there would be juice and soda served at tables in the cafeteria. Paperwork had to be filled out in advance so they could prepare for it. Only a dozen or so inmates would be on the list to attend the visitor event. The paperwork, the drive, the stress of seeing their loved ones in such a cold, grim place, kept a lot of people away.

It was rare for me to get a visitor, but my mom had decided to fill out the forms and make the drive. There wouldn’t be much to talk about. My dad’s health was usually the only topic that was important to both of us. Otherwise, there were a lot of tongue clicks and head shakes from her side, as she let me know just how disappointing it was having to visit me in jail.

But I was pumped about today’s visitor day, and it had nothing to do with the long, one-sided conversation I was about to suffer through. Tank was expecting a visitor today too. It was his first, with the exception of the visitor’s day at Christmas, when his dad came. I’d missed that one because there had been too much snow on the road in Colorado, and dad had been too sick from his chemo. My mom was afraid to make the drive alone. Tank’s dad wasn’t coming today. According to the paperwork submitted, his wife Jacy would be visiting.

Tank had spent the morning primping, as much as it was possible to primp when all you had was a toothbrush, comb and a stainless steel sink to use as a mirror. The orange and blue prisoner uniform didn’t help either. Still, my arrogant jerk of a roommate was walking around, hyped as a fucker could be about today’s visit. I couldn’t really blame him. I was excited too, and she wasn’t even coming to see me.

I’d just be another incarcerated loser in a sea of orange and blue. But a glimpse was all I needed, some proof that she existed. I just wanted to see if the real Jacy was anything like the woman I’d conjured in my head. I’d realized after months of listening to stories about her, I was no longer really seeing her through Tank’s eyes. I was seeing her through my own. I’d fallen in love with a woman who I’d only pieced together from the stories I’d heard and one small picture. It was stupid, of course, and, no doubt, just a result of being bored out of my fucking mind in an oppressive, cold place, a place where it was hard not to sink into the black hole of depression.

“Cain, you’ve got a phone call.” Officer Rickley was at the bars, holding back a smile as he looked at Tank all puffed and combed like a kid about to go on a first date.

“A phone call?”

“It’s your mom.”

If she was on the phone, it meant she wasn’t on the road. Which meant she wasn’t on her way to visiting day. I pushed up from the bed and followed Rickley out and down the hall to the phone. He waited with his self-important, arms-crossed stance as I picked up the receiver.

“Mom?”

“Ledger, I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it to visitor’s day. Your dad has taken a turn for the worse.” A sob came through the phone. “I don’t think it will be much longer. He’s been suffering terribly these last few weeks.”

Each word was like a sock in the stomach. Not only would I never see or speak to my dad again, I wouldn’t even be around for his last days because I’d fucked up and landed in jail. My dad would be going to his grave, and his last memories of me were of a convict behind bars.

“All right, Mom. Take care and thanks for calling.”

“I’m sorry I won’t see you, Edgy. Really. I was looking forward to it.” She hadn’t called me Edgy in years. Suddenly, I felt guilty about only wanting her here for visitor’s day as a chance to see Jacy.

“Hey, Mom—” I hesitated, not even sure what to say next. I’d been such a huge disappointment, there just wasn’t much I could say to make amends. “I’m sorry I’m not there with you and Sarah. Tell Dad I love him and that I’m sorry. Tell him I promise to turn myself around. I’m done with all these mistakes. Tell him that, all right?”

“I will.” I could hear her muffling another sob as she hung up.

Rickley was grinning. The guy was fueled by his prisoners experiencing a bad day. “No visitors today?” he practically sang the question.

I ignored him as he led me back to the cell. Tank was waiting anxiously to be taken down to the cafeteria. He saw my expression. “Your mom’s not coming?”

I shook my head and slipped past him.

“Too bad. Wanted you to get a look at my beautiful wife.”

I ignored him just like I had Rickley. The two men had a lot in common, with the exception that one was in uniform and the other was in blue and orange pajamas.

Tank walked out with extra straight posture and the rooster strut that he had down to an art. I stretched back on my cot. There was little to do inside a cell except think, and I had plenty to think about. I thought mostly about the conversation with my mom, and I thought about different moments in time, quality time, that I’d spent with my dad. And there had been plenty. In between my screw-ups, we’d managed to have good times together. We spent a lot of time on the slopes together. He preferred skiing and I preferred snowboarding, but it was something we could do together. When I was up on the mountain plowing through the powder, high up above sea level, with only blue crystal skies and ice cold thin air to cloud my judgment, there was no place for stupid decisions. Dad and I would have our fun in the snow and then traipse toward the lodge for a steak dinner. Those were some of the best memories I had of my dad. I could only hope that those same memories would follow my dad to the grave. I hoped he’d take those along on the journey to the other side instead of the ones where I was fucking up.

Whenever someone walked in or out of the cafeteria downstairs, I caught a chunk of the conversations going on inside. I wondered if Jacy had arrived already. I wondered what she would say when she sat at the table with her cup of juice and sweet smile. I wondered just how boastful Tank would be now that he’d seen her, now that he’d proven to me she existed. We’d never talked out loud about my suspicions, but he knew. How could it be avoided? There was just too much about her that made her unreal. It was entirely possible that his stories had been pure bullshit and that the woman he was married to was anything but the angel he described. But it seemed unlikely that a thick-headed prick like Tank could make those stories up. They had to be true. She had to be true. It was the only thing keeping me together in this place. Knowing that people like Jacy existed was the only thing making me hold onto the idea of freedom. And freedom was just months away.

The warden had let me off with a warning after I’d slugged Longo in the cafeteria. But I was let off with the strict admonition that if it happened again, he’d see to it that I spent another six months inside. That one fast and hard right hook had earned me enough respect with the other prisoners that they all pretty much left me alone. I figured as long as I minded my own business and stayed out of the fray, I could make it to the end without a problem. At this point, with my release so close, I had even learned to ignore all the shit I hated about my cellmate. There was plenty.

And, just as I thought about the asshole, he came stomping back to the cell, being led not by one but by three grouchy faced guards. But their expressions were nothing compared to the rage in Tank’s face. The tight set of his shoulders and the bulging veins on the side of his thick neck made me sit up. It seemed the guards were about to shove a rabid fucking monster in the cage with me, and I needed to be ready to defend myself.

“You just cool off in here, Harville. We’ll pull you when the warden has time.”

Rickley sneered my direction. “Have fun, Cain.”

I stayed sitting and silent on the edge of my bed as I watched my cellmate pace like a wild animal. He had a piece of paper clutched tightly in a fist that was clamped so hard, his knuckles were white and his forearm was carved with blue veins.

Asking him what went wrong would only set off the time bomb that seemed to be ticking in his head, so I sat back against the cold wall and waited. On his hundredth trip across the twelve foot floor, he ripped the paper in half and threw it in the sink. He hadn’t looked at me or even acknowledged my presence. That was probably a good thing.

He stomped to his bed. It nearly snapped off the wall as he sat down hard and put his head in his hands. “She’s leaving me. She’s fucking leaving me,” he muttered into his palms. He lifted his face. It was red with anger. A short angry laugh followed. “I’ll get her back. Once I’m out of here, I’ll go see her and convince her she’s doing the wrong thing.” He hopped up again, walked to the sink and stared down at the torn pieces of paper. He grabbed the two sides of the sink and yanked it hard, loosening it from the wall. Water squirted out of the broken pipe.

Fucking great. I was stuck in a cell with a man with a one inch fuse and a head full of dynamite and now water was going to seep into all of our stuff.

“It had to be hard for her to come see you in here and hand you that paper,” I brought up unhelpfully. My only real concern was that Jacy was all right. That nothing had happened when she’d served him the divorce papers.

He laughed harshly, and my stomach knotted. “It was a trick. She wasn’t coming to visit. Her lawyer showed.” Tank shook his head. “That little, pointy faced weasel was fucking lucky that the guards were near.” Another laugh. They were starting to sound less and less normal. He was losing it. “In fact, the pussy probably made sure they stayed close because he knew, otherwise, I’d take his fucking little weasel head clean off and shove those divorce papers into the bloody stump left behind.”

It had taken months, but the pretend veneer, the cool, kickback ex-football hero mask was peeling away, and I was getting a look at the violent fucker who lived beneath. My stomach knotted even tighter as I thought about him with Jacy.

“And what about your kid?”

His face snapped my direction, but he didn’t say anything. More rage filled his face only this time it was followed by a hollow dark stare.

It had suddenly occurred to me that aside from mentioning that Jacy was pregnant, he’d never mentioned the baby again. I sat back, letting him know, silently, that I had withdrawn the question. Something told me it was a story better left untold. More for my sake than his. Because, as the true details about my cellmate came to light, more and more, I thought I might just kill the man.

Rivers of water began snaking across the cement floor. Tank stared down at them as if he’d forgotten about the damage to the sink. He walked over to the bars, grabbed them and gave them a loud shake. “Hey, we’ve got a broken sink, and I need to go down to the infirmary for aspirin before my fucking head explodes.”

The guard arrived and scowled at the steady spray of water coming from the sink, before opening the door. He radioed in to maintenance and led my agitated cellmate away. For the rest of the day, I hoped.

When their footsteps were far enough away, I walked through the stream of water on the cement floor and reached into the sink. The paper was crumpled and wet, but I could still read it. It was Tank’s copy of the divorce papers. His name had been angrily scribbled on the line above Jacy’s. I ran my thumb over her signature. It was sad and sweet with just the amount of curlicues I expected from her. Most of it was a preprinted legal document with all of the nonsensical jargon that came with any paper drawn up by a lawyer, but one line had been left blank and filled in by whoever had prepared the document. Reason for divorce. My jaw clenched tightly as I stared at the typed response. Physical and emotional abuse. No sugarcoating from the lawyer, astounding, considering I was sure James Harville the second would have made sure there was no legal document with dirt about his son. But maybe Tank had over-exaggerated his Dad’s love. Maybe he had been as complete a disappointment to his parents as I had been to mine.

We both had made our share of mistakes and landed in jail. Only now there was something that separated us, something that made me completely different than my cellmate. I would never raise a hand or verbally assault a woman. Our orange coveralls might match, and we might share the same sink and toilet and cell, but I wasn’t anything like him. At least I had that. At least I could say that I was nothing like James Harville the third.