Hardcore Volume 3 (7 page)

I stared at the back of her head and shoulders as she leaned against the counter.

“The only thing you ever did right was to give me Jill.”

She didn’t respond, didn’t even look at me, only lit her cigarette. The sound of her lighter marked the end of our entire relationship, punctuated by the long line of smoke as she exhaled.
 

I turned to Jill, grabbed her hand. “Come on,” I urged.
 

She nodded and stepped toward the door, and I picked up the box and followed, never looking back.

I twisted my hair into a fresh bun as I walked into my room and towers of boxes. Jill was leaned over her bed, tugging her comforter until it was lying evenly. She reached for her pillows and stacked them neatly on top.

I shook my head. “Of all of the things to start with.”

She rolled her eyes. “If I have my way, that’ll be the first place I end up.”

“I bet you make your bed every day.”

Her brow quirked. “You don’t?”

“Nope. And it’s going to drive you bananas, isn’t it?”

“Just don’t get mad at me if you come home and I’ve made yours, okay?

“Deal.” I hung my hands on my hips and looked around at the mess. Every inch of wall space was covered, and I was glad I had minimal furniture and a big-ass room, by Manhattan standards at least. “Where should we start?”

“I think there are more boxes of books than anything.”

I laid a hand in the small of my back and leaned with a dramatic flare. “Pretty sure I knew that.”

She laughed and plopped down on the floor. “Come on. It’ll be easy.”

I sat down next to her and ripped a box open. “Can I just put them on the shelves, or are you going to micro-manage me?”

She rolled her eyes. “Just stick them in there. I’ll sort it out later.”

“That’s what she said.”

Jill snickered. “No one says that anymore.”

I shrugged and shelved a handful of books. “Still funny.”
 

Erin pushed the door open and came in with beers. “Knock, knock.”

“Hey,” I said over my shoulder.

“It’s been a long day, you two. I think you should each take a break and have a drink.” She handed me a beer by the neck.

I took it from her. “I feel like I shouldn’t give my sixteen-year-old sister a beer on my first night as her guardian.”

Erin rolled her eyes. “Please, it’s not like she hasn’t had one before, right, Jill?”

“Actually …”
 

Erin and I swung around to gape at her. “No way,” Erin said and shoved a beer at Jill. “Now you definitely have to drink it.”

I sighed. “Bottoms up.” I raised my bottle and brought it to my lips, as did Erin.

Jill took a tentative sip, and her face jacked up in disgust. “Ew. This is terrible. People really drink this?” She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and passed her beer to me. “Seriously, gross.”

Erin laughed. “I’m glad you’re here, Jilly.”

“Why, so you can torture me with disgusting adult beverages?”

“Among other things.” Erin dropped down to sit on the end of my bed. “So what’s new with you, besides the whole moving out thing? I haven’t seen you in ages.”

“I know, right?” Jill reached for her water bottle and took a drink. “Well, let’s see.” She paused. “I don’t really know. I’m pretty boring, actually. I just go to school and study, mostly. Hang out with Sarah and a couple other girls. I’m pretty focused on graduation though.”

“That’s two years away, Jilly.” Erin shook her head.
 

“See?” I gestured to my sister. “Tenacious.”

“Must be genetic.” Erin took another drink. “So, no boys?”

Jill shrugged and picked at her nails. “I dunno. I mean, there are a couple of guys I could see myself dating, but I really don’t have time.”

“That’s so boring,” Erin huffed. “Tell me about these boys.”

Jill grinned and settled in. “Well, there’s Jack. He’s
super
cute, really tall. And, like, his waist does that thing, like where it tapers down into that ‘v.’ He stretched in Chemistry one day, and I almost fell out of my chair trying to catch a glimpse like a creep.”

I laughed. “Jack and Jill? He gets auto-vetoed.”

“Ugh.” Jill rolled her eyes. “It would be worth it. How about you, Erin? Got any men on your radar?”

Erin shared a look with me. “No, I haven’t dated anyone in a minute.”

Jill’s eyes bounced between us. “I sense a story there.”

I pursed my lips and then just sort of blurted it out. “So, you know how I’ve dated chicks?”

Jill nodded. “Yeah.”

I glanced at Erin, and Jill’s mouth popped open. “Oh!”

“We never really dated, per se,” Erin said with a snicker. I threw a book at her, and she ducked out of the way, laughing.

“Hey!” Jill slapped me on the arm. “Careful with my books, asshole.”

My cheeks were hot. “Anyway, that’s pretty much the whole story.”

“Are you still … together? Hooking up?” Jill stammered. “I don’t know what to call it.”

I laughed. “It’s okay, neither do we. Not since everything with Van.” It still hurt to say his name.
 

Jill’s face went a little soft. “Yeah. I can see that.”

Erin changed the subject, thankfully. Van was the last thing I wanted to get into. “How’s it feel to be out of the evil clutches of your jerkass parents?”

Jill smiled. “I mean, that fucking sucked today, but now that I’m here and it’s all behind me, I feel good. Really good. Sort of like life starts now.” She shook her head. “I don’t know. That sounds dumb when I say it out loud, but I think I can really be happy now. I’ve been alone for a long time, but now I have my sister back.”

“I missed you too.”

Erin grinned at us. “One big, happy family. We should go to Sears and have portraits made.”

Jill clapped her hands. “Oh my God, please tell me we can actually do that.”

I laugh bubbled out of me. “Anything you want, Jilly.”

I WOKE WITH ERIN tucked behind me, her arm hanging across my waist in the early morning light. I sighed, eyes blinking slow, and she stirred.
 

“Morning,” I said through a yawn.

“Hey.”

We’d slept like this most nights, even though we hadn’t hooked up since the night I’d stolen from Van. Too much had changed.
I
had changed. Something had broken in me, or healed. Both, maybe. But Erin never pressured me. She understood, though neither of us wanted to sleep alone.
 

I rolled over to face her, tucking my hands under the pillow. “What are you doing today?”

Erin brushed her hair back from her face and stretched. “I don’t know. Days off suck now.”

“I know. So aimless. Maybe we can run later.”

“For sure, and play some Diablo. I’m so close to hitting Torment 3, and together we can slay the ultimate demon, Malthael.” She had dropped her voice like a super-dramatic radio announcer.

I laughed. “You’re obsessed.”

“So are you, so whatever. Pot, kettle, black.” She watched me for a moment. “How are you doing?”

I shrugged. It was a conversation we had every few days, a check-in. It’s just that I never knew what to say. “Same.”

Erin rolled over and flopped her arms, letting it slide. “Life is so
slow
now. Everything has calmed down, and I thought I’d be more grateful than I am.”

“I miss it too, the thrill of stealing, at least. But this feels right. It’s like everything is starting to work itself out.”

“Well, almost everything,” Erin said to the ceiling.

And just like that, my thoughts were occupied with Van. I’d been trying out this new thing where I talked about it more with Erin in the hopes I could work it out of my system. So far, it hadn’t worked, but I hadn’t given up. Yet. “There’s not much I can do about that situation. It just sucks because I don’t even know him, but I can’t help but think about him. Think about what we could have been.”

“You miss the idea of him. You’re allowed to mourn that. It’s not like you’re screaming from the rooftops that you love him.”

“No. But I think I could have. He made me feel connected and grounded when I’ve spent my whole life running away. As unstable as my life’s been, he just showed me how to be … I don’t know. More.”

“But at least now you know. You can’t un-feel that.”

“No, I definitely can’t un-feel it. Part of my heart feels like it got blown off with a shotgun.”

Erin chuckled. “That’s colorful.”

I shrugged. “That’s what it feels like. The timing was wrong. So wrong. But at the same time, if I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t have changed, maybe ever. I just wish the circumstances had been different.” I sighed. “Whatever. I wish a lot of things had been different. But they aren’t. They’re exactly what they are.”

“Have you thought about trying to reach out to him?”

“Of course I’ve thought about it. But he told me he never wanted to see me again. That’s about as final as you can get.”

“Yeah, but he was pissed.”

“Understatement,” I deadpanned.

“Seriously, though. I just don’t think you can take whatever he said one hundred percent to heart because he hadn’t had time to process it.”

“I keep wondering whether or not it would have changed things if I’d told him about Jill and Jade. I just couldn’t. He was so angry that he just shut me down.”

“Was that all you wanted to say?”

“That’s the big thing. I just want closure. I want to let it go, but I can’t. I think about it all the time. I replay our last conversation and picture that painting. I dream about it, about him. I see reminders of how I got myself into this everywhere.”

“You have so much guilt. Are you sure you’re not Catholic?”

I sighed. “I’m just not meant for relationships. That’s all there is to it.”

She rolled over to face me again. “That’s not a thing.”

“Disagree. I even let you down.”

“What are you talking about?”

I shifted and picked at the hem of the sheets. “I abandoned you. You’re alone now.”

“Don’t do that. You and I were never like that. It’s okay. I love you, just like you love me, but I’m not in love with you. And you sleep in my bed every night, so it’s not like I’m all alone. I’ve always been happy to be whatever we are, whenever we are. So don’t. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s changed you. And that’s okay. I’m okay. We’re okay. Okay?”

I chuckled. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Erin smiled.

I flipped over onto my back. “It’s so nice around here without Jade.”

“God, can you imagine how pissed off she is right now?”

I glanced over at Erin. “Oh my God. Seriously. She’s got to be plotting her revenge.”

“Maybe they’ll rehabilitate her before she gets out.”

“We should all hope so. Do you think she sold Jace out?”

Erin shook her head. “I wouldn’t put it past her, but I doubt she could even use him as leverage. It would have only taken about two-point-four seconds for anyone to realize there was some seriously illegal shit going on.”

“I just wonder what’s going on with the two of them. I really did half expect her to have told them about every job we’d ever done.”

Erin snorted. “Like that fat kid in
The Goonies
with his hand in the blender.”

I chuckled, though my smile faded as my brain kept running possibilities. “I just can’t imagine that there would be any evidence, anything to be held against us besides her word. We were always so careful. I mean, if they got into our safe deposit boxes, we’d probably be in some shit. But I doubt they can get a subpoena for that.”

“Did you see Lucero’s face when Morgan said she wasn’t cuddly? I’m betting they’ve had firsthand experience. Pretty sure they smelled her crazy as soon as she walked in the door.”

“Smells like Teen Spirit.”

“And desperation.”

“Isn’t that what Teen Spirit smells like?”

Erin laughed and rolled out of bed. “Come on. Let’s get this day going.”

The sun was high that afternoon and even though there was a chill, I’d pulled off my hoodie and stuffed it in my pack as we ran. I followed Erin around air ducts on a cluster of roofs where we’d been playing, mimicking her movement as she wound and tricked around them, flipping and posing. She dove between vents and rolled, took off to run up a wall and into a backflip. I skidded to a stop, laughing as I tried to catch my breath, and pulled my water bottle out of my pack.
 

She smiled as she paced around, waiting for me with her hands on her hips. She took off again as soon as I was ready to follow.
 

“Let’s hit Pier 84, yeah?” Erin called over her shoulder.

“Yeah.” We took off toward Chelsea, spanning block after block until Erin slowed to a stop at a ledge, chest heaving as she looked across the street. I stepped to the edge and froze when I saw what she was looking at.

Workers in cherry pickers were hanging banners on the light posts for an art show at a nearby gallery, an urban art collection featuring artists from all over the city. But that wasn’t what hit me in the chest. It was the billboard that hung on the building across the street.

It was one of the photos from Van’s gallery, one of him, I knew. His features were shrouded in shadows as he hung off a building, hundreds of feet over the city, but I could feel him, recognized every curve of his body. My heart ached at the sight, kicking up everything that had happened just when I thought the dust was settling. That fifteen-foot image of him was just more than I could handle.