HARDER (2 page)

“
C
an
I go to the big sleep over and camp out on Saturday?” Lucy asked me the moment I picked her up from Mrs. Rigsby’s on Thursday.

“She’s been talking about it all afternoon,” Mrs. Rigsby told me as she handed me Lucy’s backpack. “It’s kind of a Girl Guides tradition here, the Taylors have it in their big back yard.”

“I’ll think about it,” I said to Lucy and helped her with her jacket. “Thank you so much,” I told Mrs. Rigsby. “It means so much to me to have somebody I trust with her.”

“I like the company,” Mrs. Rigsby replied. “Besides, you don’t have a husband around so I feel like you could use the help.”

“I have a Daddy!” Lucy piped up out of the blue. “His name’s Rolland.”

“Rolland, hey?” Mrs. Rigsby said and looked at me with a twinkle in her watery blue eyes. “That’s a lovely name for a Daddy to have.”

“I miss him,” Lucy said and threatened to pout. Her lower lip trembled slightly.

“Oh, we have too much fun to miss Daddy,” I said with a happy but slightly hysterical edge to my voice. I hated that I couldn’t tell Lucy why we’d run away. I knew she had so many questions but I couldn’t answer them all.

Even I didn’t know what had prompted me to run this time, perhaps it was the fact that Lucy had almost walked in on Rolland choking me and it had struck me that this was her future if I didn’t get out.

I just wanted to disappear in this tiny little town and raise my daughter with no problems. If people started asking questions somebody might tell Rolland where we were.

I didn’t have the money to battle him in court, and Lucy hadn’t ever been top priority in his life, so fingers crossed ever day that he would not come after us. I hoped he’d already moved on to some dumb young girl and he’d forgotten all about us.

“You do have fun, don’t you?” Mrs. Rigsby said and ruffled Lucy’s hair. “Make sure you show your mom the beautiful picture you painted of Mac the dog.”

“I will!” Lucy said brightly. “Mom, you should see it! It looks just like the dog, almost like a photograph!”

“I can’t wait,” I told her and caught Mrs. Rigsby’s understanding eye. I mouthed the words, “Thank you,” and she nodded her head knowingly.

Face blazing in shame, I said goodbye and took Lucy home.

It wasn’t that I was ashamed for being single, but I was ashamed I’d let it go on for so long. I was stronger than that.

Or at least I would be.

I
stuck
Lucy’s dog picture up on the fridge and went over the information packet for the big camp out this coming weekend. It was at the Taylor’s place, a massive mansion up the road from the rude prick, Caleb Harder.

What the hell was it with this town? Did everybody have a huge bank account and money to buy these giant homes?

I briefly wondered what it would be like to live in such a place and dismissed it right away. There was no point in daydreaming when there was laundry to be washed and a school lunch to be made for the following day.

I sighed and decided I had to let Lucy go to the sleep over. It was the only way for us to fully integrate with the town and learn to adjust to her new life.

Later on I was zoning out on the couch and I got a text from my new friend Addison, who preferred to be called Addy she told me on day one. She was a teacher at the high school, newly divorced and mother to one of the girls in Lucy’s Girl Guide group.

Drinks Saturday after we dump the kids?

Oh god I groaned to myself. I hadn’t been out for anything even vaguely resembling drinks since…well…never. I’d always been a mom and wife and hadn’t had time for anything just for myself.

I felt a little tremble in my stomach at the thought of socializing. And where would drinks be? The town wasn’t exactly big enough to have a high-end restaurant or fancy club. Most likely she’d mean one of the two very shady looking pubs available to us.

But the adventurer in me decided why not. I had packed up and run away from my old life after all. It was about time I started building a new one.

Sure, sounds good.

Wear something nice.

Like what?

Something slutty. ;)

I groaned again and instantly regretted it. I couldn’t back out at that point though; she would see me dropping Lucy off so I couldn’t feign illness.

I’ll do my best.

That’s about all I could promise. I didn’t think slutty was exactly what people thought when they saw my wardrobe.

Frump. Old. Boring. Sad maybe.

Slutty? Not on your life.

“
L
isten
to the leaders and make sure you brush your teeth before bed. Floss too if they give you popcorn or anything sugary,” I lectured Lucy as we pulled up to the Taylor’s huge house. I didn’t want to worry her, but we couldn’t afford any dental issues so her tooth care was of extreme importance.

“I promise,” she said and twisted in her seat looking for her friends.

“And remember your manners,” I said with a strange swelling in my chest. She made me so proud and so sad at the same time. Proud because she was turning into such a lovely young woman and sad because I was losing my baby girl all too fast these days.

“I promise,” she repeated and opened the door the moment I came to a stop at the base of a set of gleaming marble steps. My car couldn’t have been more out of place, but nobody seemed to notice.

At least that’s what I told myself. Obviously the way people had taken us under their wings indicated otherwise. We were the local charity cases but I hoped I’d have more going on before Lucy caught on that this was how people saw us.

I’d grown up dirt poor and knew how hard it could be on a girl in school. I never wanted her to go through that.

“Brooke, you look
amazing
as usual,” Frankie Taylor gushed when she opened the door. I felt underdressed next to her white tennis outfit with me in my threadbare tee shirt and old jeans.

“Thank you,” I replied, “your house is amazing.”

“Well it was Chuck’s parent’s so it’s not exactly like we worked hard for it,” she smiled. “Lucy the girls are already in the back.”

Lucy looked at me expectantly and I handed her the Minions backpack I’d splurged and bought for her the day before. It was stuffed full with pajamas and clothes, her hairbrush and toothbrush and a new sleeping bag I’d also splurged on.

So there went my budget for Addy’s slutty clothing request. I’d have to make do with what was in my closet.

“She’ll be fine,” Frankie told me, catching the look of anxiety on my face.

“I know,” I replied, “it’s just that sometimes it feels like she was a baby just yesterday.”

“That’s a mother’s burden,” Frankie said wisely. “The joy and pain of watching your child grow up and head off into a world where they no longer need you.”

“Which is the best part!” Addison exclaimed from behind me. “Don’t get emotional on me, Brooke. We’ve got some steam to blow off tonight. I swear if you get mopey I’ll lose my freaking mind.”

“Oh that’s right,” Frankie laughed. “Single moms need time too. Enjoy yourselves ladies, the kids will be happy as clams.”

I left with that strange feeling finally leaving my body. I felt freer than I had in years and almost excited at the idea of going out.

“I’ll swing by your place and pick you up in two hours,” Addy told me when we got to our cars. Mine the shitty Toyota, hers a new black SUV. Of course we’d take hers. “Does that give you enough time to get ready?”

“I think I can manage,” I replied with a laugh and immediately realized she wasn’t joking. “Oh yeah, that’s plenty of time.”

“All right, I can’t wait!” she said and bounded to her vehicle.

I got into mine and looked in the rearview mirror. Damn, maybe it would take more than a couple hours to look presentable. My hair was limp and stuck to my head, my eyes looked hollow and dark with more wrinkles around the edges than I’d seen before.

Stress and exhaustion was getting to me and aging me faster than I liked. Then again, being with a man like Rolland hadn’t exactly been good for the skin care regime either. Covering bruises wasn’t easy.

I made it home, hopped in the shower, picked out my most revealing dress, did my hair and face and finally blasted Taylor Swift to pick myself up. She was Lucy’s favorite singer and I’d developed a secret love for her music too. There was something to be said about somebody who was uplifting and of course the beats were damned catchy.

“Haters gonna hate,” I was singing at the top of my lungs and dancing around our apartment when Addy showed up. She laughed her head off at me but joined in almost immediately.

See? Damned catchy.

After the song was over I turned off my little stereo and held up my arms proud of the pretty rose covered sundress and strappy white sandals I’d chosen. “Well? Slutty enough for you?” I asked with a grin.

She narrowed her eyes, looked me up and down and said, “Not really but it will do.” She was wearing a skintight black dress that was cut down the center in a plunging V. She had heels that made her hit at least six feet leaving me feeling a little like a troll doll at my five and a half feet. She wasn’t wearing a bra and obviously worked out, she looked amazing.

Her dark hair was long and wavy and even in the heat of the August night it looked shiny and bouncy.

My own boring blonde mid-length hair had already started to sag. I envied her for that alone.

I only had one purse, so Addy suggested I put my little wallet in her handbag, and we were off for the evening.

“So are we heading to the Triple Play or Murphy’s tonight?” I asked as we drove through town. “And aren’t we a little overdressed for both?”

“No way am I wasting all this on our locals,” she laughed. “We’re driving to Coleville. They have a great nightclub where we can dance our faces off and flirt with cute guys for free drinks. You’ll love it!”

I smiled and nodded but felt that familiar weird feeling of anxiety. Not only was I going out, I was going out in a town an hour away with a population that was about ten times what we had here in Harder’s Mill.

And I didn’t know if I was okay with that.

“
Y
ou want another
?” Addy asked and picked up her glass to indicate that she was done.

I wasn’t even a quarter of the way through my drink and felt like I was holding her back. It was a cranberry and something strong though and I wasn’t exactly a drinker.

I gulped down half of it, looked at it and said, “Yeah, why not?”

As she got up to walk to the bar I forced myself to finish the rest of mine. The nightclub wasn’t terrible, but it was packed full of people that I didn’t know and that made me nervous somehow.

I hadn’t always been a nervous person but living under Rolland’s threats had shaped me this way. And now living in fear that he would come for us scared me even worse.

It didn’t help that the majority of the population in The Red Room were college students at least five or six years younger than me and right at the start of their bright futures.

I felt old and frumpy and completely out of place. And envious. God I would have loved to have been a student.

But I had something none of them had, my dear little Lucy, and that meant more than a hundred college degrees to me.

“Here you are,” Addy said and set down two drinks in front of me. “You look like you could use some loosening up.”

“Oh thanks,” I said, “let me know how much I owe you.”

“It’s on me, I’m just grateful for the company. It’s such a drag living in
Pleasantville
sometimes, you know? All the perfect little housewives in their perfect mansions and perfect husbands. You and I are the only single moms I know, so we have to stick together.”

“This is true,” I replied, laughed at her joke name for the town and picked up one of the drinks, the same sweet strong cranberry thing from before. I tapped her glass with mine and said, “To being single and free.”

“Yes! That’s what I’m talking about,” she laughed. “Single and free!”

We each took a sip and looked around the club. Addy spotted a table of older men checking us out and she waved. One of them, an attractive well-dressed man, waved back at her. She giggled and looked at me.

“Free drinks,” she smiled.

I scanned the club and tried to avoid eye contact with anyone I saw. I wasn’t exactly good at this flirting thing apparently.

I saw a familiar figure in the back surrounded by a gaggle of college girls and did a double take.

“Caleb Harder,” I spat and glared at him.

“Who?” Addy asked.

“Caleb Harder. Over there with a bunch of girls,” I said. “He’s such a douche.”

“Oh yeah, Caleb. He comes down here quite often, it’s a college town and he does like them young,” Addy told me. “How do you know him?”

“He came into the diner,” I replied. “And he yelled at Lucy one time.”

“What a dick,” she said. “He’s a hard nut to crack. When I first got divorced somebody set me up on a blind date with him. It was the worst night ever.”

“I believe it,” I said and took a swig of my drink. I surprised myself when I finished it. I picked up the other one and chewed the straw, trying my best to keep my eyes from traveling to Caleb’s corner.

After a few minutes a couple of the guys from the nearby table stood up and came to see us. Addy’s flirtations had reeled them in just as she’d predicted. She was good at this.

“Hey there,” the handsome well-dressed man said to Addy.

“Hey back,” she replied with a smile.

They dove into making small talk immediately and I admired her easy way of chatting. His friend tried to talk to me a couple times but once he realized I was an awkward dead end, he made up some excuse and left our table.

I was left with Addy and her guy, whose name was Gary, and my overwhelming urge to stare at Caleb.

Gary ordered us a couple more drinks each and I sucked them back like I was in danger of having to actually talk to somebody unless I had a straw in my mouth.

And of course I was. I didn’t want to get to know Gary, he was obviously at our table for Addy, and I didn’t want to get to know Gary’s friends.

I stood on shaky legs a couple hours and many drinks later and announced, “I have to tinkle.”

Gary looked confused and Addy laughed, telling him, “She has a little girl. It’s what us moms do when we’re out among adults, we can’t drop the baby talk.”

“Ah I see,” Gary replied with a grin and asked Addy all about her family. She put her hand on his arm and leaned in to talk leaving me all but forgotten.

I walked slowly to the corner of the club with the hallway to the bathrooms. I’d waited too long and hoped there wouldn’t be much of a line.

I wasn’t exactly stable on my feet too, and prayed to the god of boozy single moms to watch over me and keep me from falling.

I found the line up and groaned to myself. There had to be at least twenty women in front of me and I was dying. My bladder was going to explode and I was going to be found passed out in a pool of pee if I didn’t get to a toilet soon.

A door to my right opened and I caught a glimpse of a wide-open empty washroom. Unfortunately the sign on the door said “Men”.

My bladder tightened and I thought fuck it, I’m going in.

I opened the door and found I was alone. How unfair was that? There was a row of urinals and four stalls all unoccupied while us women had to suffer in line for half that peeing space.

I kicked open the door on the first stall and shuddered. It was a big nope and I let it fall shut again. By door number four I was starting to understand why women didn’t use men’s washrooms. Men were even dirtier than we were.

Stall four was clean though, and once I lined the toilet seat with a roll of toilet paper, I sat down and found sweet relief.

I heard the door open and close a couple times and counted the number so I could sneak out undetected.

Finally the last man left and I was once again alone. I finished up, pulled my dress down and swung the door open to get out as quickly as possible.

I stepped out towards the sinks and ran into the rudest man I knew. Caleb Harder.

“Fancy meeting you here,” he said with a lopsided smile that sent my insides into a flurry of confused activity. “Brooke, wasn’t it?”

Caleb Harder, hot hot hot Caleb Harder was being nice to me. It was difficult to hate him when he was being nice. And hot.

“I need to wash my hands,” I said and stepped around him towards the sinks. I washed up and looked back to where he was standing there staring at me.

“Listen,” he said, “I feel bad about what an asshole I’ve been. I would apologize but I can’t say I’ll be any different when I haven’t been drinking.”

I felt my stomach lurch when I tried to reply and I realized I really had been drinking way too much. I hunched over the sink and gripped the edge of the counter like it was keeping me from falling over.

It probably was.

“Hey, did you hear me?” he asked and stepped towards me. “Are you okay?”

I nodded and worked furiously to keep the vomit down in my stomach where it belonged. It wasn’t helping that my nerves were shot around Caleb and my pulse was fluttering a million miles a minute with him right behind me.

Finally my stomach settled and I stood straighter.

“Do you need a ride or something?” he asked gently and put his hand on my lower back to comfort me.

I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror, under these lights I looked old and tired and out of my element, especially with somebody like Caleb standing right next to me.

I opened my mouth to tell him I was fine, but instead I hurked and burped and vomited on his shoes.

And they were really nice shoes.