HARDER (5 page)

M
uch to my
equal delight and annoyance, Caleb came to Lucy’s soccer match on Sunday.

Saturday had been a cleaning and laundry day, so we’d spent the day at home watching old movies in between wash loads.

She was a Disney princess kind of girl, and I liked the villains, so watching the classics was always a good compromise.

The soccer game started at eleven in the morning and I’d barely made it on time because I’d spent the first part of my day lounging in bed and reading a dirty romance novel.

It was so good I hadn’t realized the time had passed so quickly until Lucy had raced into my room in a flurry of activity. Once I’d realized what time it was, we rushed and got to the game with literally a minute to spare.

What that meant was that I wasn’t exactly calm, cool and collected when Caleb popped up beside me on the stands. I had been a little excited by the book, and then stressed by being late, and flustered by not being able to do my hair or make up before coming to the game. I was yet again a bloody mess.

“Hey there,” he said, holding up a small basket. “I brought treats.”

“Treats?” I asked. I hadn’t eaten breakfast and my stomach growled at the thought of food. There wasn’t anything around the soccer field to buy, so he was a lifesaver. But I felt frumpy and distracted by how unbelievably hot he was.

“Goodies, just a few things my new cook threw together,” he told me and set it on the empty bench in front of us and bent to open it. “I have fresh squeezed orange juice, a thermos of coffee, muffins, fruit, chocolate dipped strawberries, and…oh…a bottle of champagne.”

He sat up with a grin and I scowled. “What kind of day did she think you were up to?”

“Something romantic, obviously,” he laughed. “I should have let her know it was for a friend.”

“Yes, friend,” I repeated. “Coffee please.”

“Coming right up,” he said and pulled out a heavy metal thermos and a travel mug. He filled it to the brim with hot, steaming liquid energy and handed it to me.

I closed my eyes and sipped it, savoring the scent and the way the warmth brushed against the skin on my nose and cheeks as I drank.

“You make coffee look good,” he said in an odd voice.

I opened my eyes and found him staring at me with a look of pure desire on his face. His eyes flickered and he looked away to busy himself with the basket.

“Could I get one of those muffins too please?” I asked.

“Me too,” Addy chirped up and slid onto the bench next to me. “I never thought I’d see Caleb Harder at a family soccer game.”

“Lucy invited me,” he said quickly, “how could I turn her down?”

“Admirable,” Addy said and looked at me with an intense stare that I knew meant I would have a bunch of explaining to do the next time we could talk. I still hadn’t told her about the ride home or the kiss or the friendship talk the next day or the hot woman at his place.

Caleb handed her a matching mug of coffee and settled in to watch the game as Addy and I talked about her night with Gary.

She’d seen him again the night before and seemed pretty taken with him.

At one point when Caleb was getting into the game she nodded at him behind me and said, “What’s the story?”

“Nothing,” I replied and nibbled my blueberry muffin. It tasted homemade and was amazing. “We’re just friends.”

“Friends, hey?” she asked and narrowed her eyes. “We need to talk.”

“I know,” I said and forced myself to watch the game in order to avoid her inquiring gaze.

“Go Lucy!” Caleb suddenly yelled and leapt to his feet. I didn’t understand what he was going on about until I noticed my little girl making a break away for the other team’s goal.

“Oh my god!” I screamed and jumped up with him. “Come on! You got this!”

“Go! Go! Go!” Caleb chanted as she got closer and closer.

“Go Lucy! Shoot!” I screamed again and set the coffee to the bench so I could jump up and down.

Lucy swerved around another player, slowed slightly and made her move.

She kicked the ball, fell on her back and we all watched as the ball arced and sailed past their goalie.

“She got it!” I squealed. “She got a goal!”

“Amazing! She did it!” Caleb yelled and turned to me. We gripped each other’s arms and jumped up and down in celebration. He finally threw his arms around me and hugged me tight, lifting me off the ground.

The celebration gave way to an uncomfortable awareness of each other’s body within a second of him lifting me up.

He set me down but didn’t take his arms off me. It was like we were in our own little bubble as he looked down at me, as if seeing me for the first time.

“She did so well,” he said quietly.

“She really did,” I replied, unable to break away.

“Look at them go!” Addy yelled and punched my shoulder.

I broke away from Caleb and saw Lucy’s teammates high fiving Lucy and crowding around her to congratulate her.

It was then that it felt like things were going to be okay. In spite of my weird feelings for Caleb and my fear of Rolland, everything was going to work out.

“
D
o you need a ride home
?” Caleb asked at the end of the game. He tidied up the food that Addy and a few of the soccer moms had devoured and put the remains in the basket.

“No, I’ve got my car and I think we’re heading to Addy’s for a post game barbeque,” I said and hugged my arms around myself.

“Okay,” Caleb replied, “I’m going to head home then.”

“Oh, you’re welcome to come if you want,” I said. “It’s nothing special.”

“No, you guys go have fun. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he told me and lifted the noticeably lighter basket. “Thanks though, it’s been a good day.”

“It has,” I told him honestly. Lucy’s team had won and Caleb had proven to be a charming and considerate companion to have. And it had added an air of notoriety to me that had the other moms all whispering and giving me sidelong glances. “Thanks for coming out.”

“Any time,” he said and waved at Lucy as he walked towards his truck.

I couldn’t help myself, I had to watch him walk, the way he wore those jeans was insanely addictive.

Lucy was all bubbly and talkative on the drive to Addy’s and that helped keep my mind off Caleb. I was thankful for the distraction.

The moment we got to Addy’s house though, she grabbed me and marched me into her back guest room.

“Okay, Brooke. Spill it,” she demanded and handed me a beer.

I opened it, took a sip and said, “Well, when you ditched me last weekend Caleb gave me a ride home. That’s all.”

“Uh huh,” she said with a suspicious look. “That’s not all. You can tell there’s something going on between the two of you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, appalled at the thought of my crush being that obvious.

“The way he looks at you, he’s so clearly into you,” she said with a smug smile.

I laughed and tried not to sound bitter. “Oh you’re way off base there. I know for a fact that he’s not interested.”

“Oh really?” she asked and arched her brow.

“It’s not like that,” I replied.

“Did he tell you he’s not interested?”

I blushed furiously and took a drink of my beer at the memory of Caleb telling me just that thing last weekend. I didn’t know Addy enough to share my humiliation with her though. Not yet.

“No, but he’s living with somebody,” I said.

“Of course, everybody knows he lives with his dad,” she replied.

“No, there was a gorgeous brunette at his place the last few days,” I said. “I’ve been delivering his lunch.”

“Oh that’s probably somebody who works for them,” Addy tished.

“Nope. I took lunch for her too, and she seemed very relaxed there, like she knows she fits in.”

Addy screwed up her lip and chewed on it as she contemplated the news. “I’m sure it’s nothing,” she said confidently. “You should have seen the way he watched you, I’m not crazy. Caleb Harder has the hots for you, Brooke. He’s got them bad.”

I rolled my eyes and dismissed her claim as the ramblings of a crazy woman. We joined the rest of the party and I distracted her by asking about Gary and her blossoming relationship with him.

It did make me wonder if Caleb felt something for me. It wasn’t a bad thing, knowing that I wasn’t totally crazy and feeling something that was so horribly one sided.

Later in the early evening I drove Lucy and I home to our empty little apartment and felt a pang of loneliness for the first time since I’d left Rolland.

It would be so amazing to come home to a partner, not an abuser like my ex, but a man who would be waiting for me with love in his heart.

As I helped Lucy get ready for bed, I wondered what it would be like to have a man who helped with simple tasks like parenting your child.

Rolland had always wanted a boy and had been so disappointed when Lucy was born. He’d always held her at arm’s length and had rarely spoken to her beyond simple directions or yelling at her to keep quiet.

My biggest regret was that I’d let him treat my daughter like that for so long. I wished I had left him when she had been a baby so she’d never known the awful feeling of having a father who didn’t really love you and let you know it.

I brushed her hair and braided it for bed, we read her favorite Madeline story, and she began to fall asleep as I sat on the edge of her bed and watched her lids grow heavy.

“Mommy?” she asked with a thick voice just before she drifted off.

“Yes, sweetie?”

“I don’t miss Daddy. I don’t ever want to go home, okay?”

“We are home, baby girl,” I told her and brushed my hand across her forehead. “We’ll never go back to that place again.”

She smiled and said, “Good,” and fell asleep.

I sat for a moment and watched her beautiful little face as it softened and became peaceful.

This was why I left, and I had to keep reminding myself of that every day. Living in fear was worth it if I could see my beautiful little girl fall asleep with love surrounding her and knowing that everybody in her world wanted nothing but the best for her.

Seeing her like that made everything I’d ever done worth it.

And I was determined that we would
never
go back.

I
dropped
Lucy off at school Monday morning and headed straight to work. Virginia had a meeting the next town over and needed me as early as possible.

“This is what I love about you,” she said as I was smoothing out my uniform and doing up my apron.

“You mean my good looks? My sunny personality? My amazing apron tying skills?” I laughed.

“No, the fact that you’re on time,” she said.

“So you don’t admire my apron tying?”

“Stop trying to fish for compliments,” she laughed and swatted at me with the notepad in her hand. “You know you’re beautiful, you know you’re lovely, and you know you tie an apron better than anyone this side of the Mississippi.”

“Awe, shucks,” I smiled.

“Oh,” she said on her way out. “Caleb will need three lunches today, the usual.”

“I thought he had a new chef,” I replied, thinking of the picnic basket the day before.

“Apparently he still loved the diner food so much he needs it hand delivered,” she replied with a wink.

She knew something was up, but I didn’t react. I gave her no indication of my utter and complete confusion over my feelings for Caleb.

I played it cool and calm. That’s one thing I could take away from my relationship with Rolland…the ability to pretend everything was normal even when your guts were churning and your heart was fluttering at the thought of seeing somebody in a couple short hours.

But I’d possibly see that brunette as well.

The morning sped by as quickly as I’d expected and soon it was time for me to drive lunch to the subject of my obsession. Caleb Harder.

Since Virginia had driven to her meeting, I was forced to use my car. Friday had been payday though, and my tank was almost full and the car wasn’t limping as badly as it usually did.

It was a good day. Sun shining, birds singing, and all that crazy stuff you noticed when your hormones are completely overreacting because of a hot guy.

I pulled up in front of Caleb’s massive house, grabbed the three paper bags of take out food, and headed up the steps to the door. I hit the chime and heard it going off inside.

The door opened quickly this time and the gorgeous brunette smiled and said, “Hey! Sandwich girl!”

“Yeah, that’s me,” I said miserably. I handed her the bags and turned on my heel to stomp down the stairs.

I didn’t know why I had expected Caleb to open the door, and I didn’t know what I had gotten my hopes up for. I had it in the back of my head that Caleb wanted more than friendship and he wasn’t gloriously in love with a stunning woman.

I was so stupid, he had warned me that he’d only break my heart and he’d been very clear about his intentions. There was no reason for me to latch onto him. I was clearly a sucker for punishment.

I got into my car and heard my name being called. I looked up and saw Caleb coming down the stairs towards me.

My hands were shaking and I turned the key, desperate to get away from him and his incredible attraction. I needed to stop seeing him, to get him out of my system once and for all.

My key turned but my car wouldn’t start.

“Fuck,” I muttered and turned it again. No dice. My car clicked but wouldn’t fire up.

“Brooke,” Caleb said and tapped on the window. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I just need to get back to the diner,” I said, not looking up at him.

“Do you need help?” he asked.

“No, I’ll be fine.”

“You’re being silly, something’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong, just leave me alone.”

“Is your car broken?”

“I can fix it,” I said stubbornly. I just wanted him to go away so I could simmer in my misery by myself.

“Brooke, get out of the car and let me help you.”

“No,” I said.

“You can’t sit out here all day.”

“I’ll call a cab.”

“You’re being ridiculous,” he said with a huge sigh. “I don’t know what I did to upset you, but please let me make it right.”

“Go away,” I said and hunched over.

He pulled the handle and opened the door, dropped to his haunches and looked up at me. “Brooke, please. I like you and I don’t like it when you’re mad at me. What can I do?”

“Oh I don’t know, why don’t you go ask your girlfriend?” I spat, hating myself for exposing my vulnerability to him.

“My girlfriend?” he exclaimed. “What do you mean, I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“The girl in the house. The one who calls me sandwich girl and looks amazing and beautiful and tall and so much better than I’ll ever look and she probably doesn’t have any kids or a sob story and has money and class and better clothes than me,” I exclaimed in a rush of words that I didn’t seem to be able to contain.

I hated myself for being so weird and needy with Caleb. He had every right to run away from me.

“Oh, you mean Tara?” he laughed.

“I didn’t get her name.”

“I’m assuming you mean Tara. She works for us,” he said.

“She’s not your girlfriend?”

“Not even close, she can barely stand me apparently. I’m lucky she hasn’t quit on me,” he said softly. “Brooke, me having a girlfriend is not the reason I told you I’d hurt you. I’m not a cheater, in fact that’s part of the problem.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, looking him in the eyes. His face was nakedly sincere and I could see hurt flickering across his features.

He took a deep breath and said, “It’s…it’s nothing. I can’t believe you thought Tara was my girlfriend though; she’s going to get a kick out of that. Now let’s talk about your car, are you broke down?”

I let him change the subject; I recognized his discomfort at mentioning his vulnerability to me. I’d felt it a million times myself since leaving Rolland.

“Yeah,” I smiled. “You got me, my car seems to have fizzled.”

I felt a tear slip down my cheek and reached up to wipe it with the back of my hand.

“Brooke, don’t cry,” he said and brushed a tear off the other one. The touch of his hand made me shiver. “It’s just a car, we’ll get it sorted out.”

“I know it’s hard for you to understand, but I can’t afford this right now,” I sniffled.

“Listen, I’m going to lend you a car for now and I’ll have this one towed to my mechanic. He’ll figure out what needs to be done and I’ll make sure it gets fixed. You can repay me by letting me hang around Lucy’s soccer games, okay?”

I sniffled and smiled, “Seriously?”

“Seriously. I had such a good time with you yesterday. I want to be your friend, and friends do nice things for each other. Let me help you.”

“I guess,” I told him. “I don’t think I can drive something like your truck though.”

“I’ve got a minivan,” he said with a grin.

“A minivan? That doesn’t seem like something you’d drive.”

“I usually let the housekeeper drive it, but since the last one quit I haven’t had any need for it.”

“What is it with you and people quitting?” I asked.

He looked at me, thought for a moment and sighed. “You know how I was when you met me. I’m an asshole sometimes and I just can’t help it.”

“Have you ever thought about just not being an asshole?” I asked.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t seem to work,” he chuckled. “I will admit that since I’ve met you, it feels like I’m
not
an asshole more than I
am
an asshole and for that my staff is grateful.”

“Glad I could be of service,” I laughed.

He had me wait by my car and bounded up his steps to somewhere through the house and in the back I assumed. I wondered what his property looked like and how many cars he had stashed in his garage.

Within a few moments he came around the corner in a new bright cherry red minivan, grinning like a madman.

“This is it,” he announced as he hopped out. “Is it okay?”

“Are you kidding me?” I exclaimed. “This is amazing!”

“I never thought I’d see somebody so excited to drive something like this. You’d think I was handing you the keys to my Ferrari.”

“You have a Ferrari too?” I asked with wide eyes. Now that was more like something I’d see Caleb driving.

“Yeah,” he laughed. “I barely get a chance to drive it around here though, the roads are so bloody rough. I don’t know what I was thinking when I bought it.”

“Are you absolutely certain about this?” I asked as he held out the keys.

“Absolutely,” he said. “I want you to be happy and I want your life to be easy. If I can do something to make that happen, then please let me.”

I took Lucy’s booster seat from the back of my car and transferred it to the van and smiled to myself at my good luck.

It seemed like things might be going my way for once, not only was Caleb single, but he was generous.

I took keys from his hand and said, “I really do need to get back.” I gave him my car keys and stood on my tippy toes to kiss his cheek. I noticed that he flinched when I did and I frowned to myself but didn’t let him see it. He was such a strange and complicated man, I didn’t know if I’d ever figure him out.

“Take care, and I’ll see you soon,” he told me as I got in the van and started it up. The engine purred and there were only a few hundred miles on the odometer. I waved at Caleb, did another U turn on his street and drove back to work.

It wasn’t until I was alone in the van that I let myself try to work through the twisting maze of emotions that Caleb Harder brought up inside of me.

I felt like every time I finally caught a glimpse of the end, somebody shook it up on me and I started right back at the beginning.

There was this overwhelming sense that finishing the maze would be worth it though, to have the heart of a man like him would mean everything good in the world for me.

I decided I’d just keep trying.

“
C
an we keep it
?” Lucy shrieked when I picked her up from Mrs. Rigsby’s that night.

“I’m afraid Caleb just lent it to us until our car is all better,” I told her and helped her strap into the back seat.

“It’s soooooo pretty, Mom! And red, my favorite color!”

“It is nice,” I agreed. “Maybe one day we can buy one for ourselves.”

“If you married Caleb we could keep this one,” Lucy said out of the blue. “And then you could make me a little brother or little sister. We would have so much room in here, maybe even both!”

I flushed red and felt hot at her words. Had she picked up on how Caleb made me feel?

“Caleb and I are just friends,” I told her, “We’re just lucky to have a friend like him.”

I heard her make a little noise of disagreement and shook my head. I’d have to be much more careful with Caleb around Lucy.

It was bad enough that I’d taken her away from her awful father, I didn’t want to confuse her by spending too much time with a man who wanted nothing more from me than what we currently had.

But that stubborn little streak inside of me was thrusting out her jaw and accepting the challenge of making Caleb admit that he cared for me as much as I did for him.

Only time would tell.