Harvest of the Gods (25 page)

Chapter Fifty

A few days after Odin's funeral, Azrael came into the dining room of Pride Palace with Krystal, a human friend of mine. It was so strange to see her there that I just sat, staring at her with my coffee halfway to my mouth before she finally broke the tension.

“Is this place for real?”

I gave a sort of surprised huff of a laugh and put my coffee down. “As real as something made by magic can be, I guess.”

“What the hell?” She frowned and gave me an irate look. “You've been totally holding out on me, bitch. Why haven't you ever brought me here for our girl lunches?”

“
I'm sorry?” I shook my head and looked over at the softly grinning Azrael. “Thank you, Az.”

“
Hey,” he shrugged. “It's kind of my job to know what grief needs and she's it, trust me.”

“
Yeah, I got it from here, handsome,” she gave him a wink but when he started to leave, she stopped him. “If you ever feel like repaying me though, I wouldn't mind an introduction to one of your single friends.”

“
Krystal,” I laughed despite my sorrow.

“
What?” She shrugged. “When am I ever going to have an angel indebted to me again?”

“
Do you have a preference?” Azrael looked a little intrigued by the idea of matchmaking.

“
Uh,” she shrugged, “I don't know, I guess you're all
probably good looking. The only thing I really am a stickler about is-”

“
Hair,” I interrupted. “Make sure he has short hair.”

“
Oh, you know me so well,” she slid into a seat beside me and peered disdainfully at my coffee. “Speaking of which, do you have anything other than that?” She pointed at my beverage like it was personally offending her.

“
Short hair?” Azrael was stuck on the stipulation. “Huh, I have to give that some thought.”

“
Are you serious?” Krystal sat up straight and turned back toward him. “You're really going to hook me up with an angel?”

“
Oh, you want an
angel
?” He looked even more surprised. “You said one of my single
friends
, not angels.”

“
Oh, I didn't realize you had any other friends,” she looked back and forth between our raised brows, “and I'm going to shut up now.”

“
Angels are notoriously hard to get along with,” he warned her. “Most of them are really arrogant and the ones that aren't are usually really busy. What kind of relationship are you looking for?”

“
The kind that gets me mid-air sex,” she waggled her brows at him and Azrael flushed.

“
You told her?”

“
You told Kirill,” I gave him my
that's what you get
face.

“
Yes, but you have sex with Kirill too,” he was getting redder. “It's not like he wasn't already familiar with your love making.”

“
My love making?” I laughed. “Just go, Azrael. It's okay.
Go find Krystal a nice angel with short hair.”

“
And strong wings,” she called after him as he left. “And a firm ass.” His shoulders twitched with that one but he kept walking because he's a smart angel. “So what have you been up to? You know, besides enjoying this fucking paradise without me.”

“
I love you,” I said and got up. “Come on, I'll see if I can find you a Pepsi. Some of the lions must surely drink it, even if I don't.”

“
Lead on,” she got up and followed me into the kitchen. “And you can keep leading after you find me a drink cause I want to see the rest of this place.”

So I gave her the grand tour, Pepsi in hand- her's not mine, and finally ended up at the library. I told her how I'd been spending most of my time there and she nodded while she looked through the books. I was feeling a little exhausted by her exuberance, so I sat down in the sitting room while she roamed. Finally she came back with a book in hand.
Enchantress,
a romance novel by a Hawaii author, Amy Sumida.

She sat down next to me and to my utter surprise, she started to read out loud. I relaxed back into the cushions as she read, realizing it was just what I needed, someone there with me but without putting any pressure on me to be entertaining or asking me if I was okay every five minutes.

All I had to do was sit and listen to her tell me a story. For six hours she read to me, and I got caught up in Rannulf and Ayla's troubles, intent on whether or not they could get past each other's differences and finally just be together. It was enthralling and Krystal's low voice was the perfect level to lure me into the fantasy. I admit, I felt a little awkward when she started reading the sex scenes but she just kept reading, maybe a little more enjoyably, and never even glanced at me so I quickly let go of my awkwardness and went back to the little escape from my sadness.

After the book we went downstairs and watched a horror movie. Some Asian flick about a photographer whose fiance ran over a girl and then the girl kept showing up in his photographs. It was awesome and totally different from what I was presently going through, so also totally perfect.

Krystal spent the night and got to gawk at my lion men the next morning but when I suggested she talk to a few of the single ones she balked, saying that she'd wait for Azrael to deliver her angel. Then she'd hugged me and Trevor took her home.

I will never know how she saw exactly what I needed and delivered it so effortlessly but I'll be thankful to her for that one day for the rest of my life. It was such a wonderful respite from the pain and I ached for more of it, like a crack addict needing a fix.

“Did you have fun with Krystal?” Azrael came walking into the library.

“
She was fantastic, thank you.”

“
Of course,” he leaned over and gave me a kiss. “Sommer, Tristan, and Jackson are coming over tonight if you're up for it.”

“
Yeah, that sounds good,” I smiled.

I was really looking forward to seeing my friends, especially after my time with Krystal but as much as I enjoyed their company, Tristan is one of those people who just about goes crazy when one of his friends is hurting and he ended up following me around like a lost puppy. I actually had to reassure him that I didn't need him to go into the bathroom with me. That I'd been peeing all by myself for my entire adult life and I was fairly certain I still remembered how to do it. He'd laughed and backed off a bit but I could see that he wasn't fully convinced.

Jackson and Sommer were more of a quiet comfort but it got awkward enough that we all ended up watching a movie and
getting drunk. Normally this would have been just great. Unfortunately, I didn't get drunk quite as easily anymore and when I did manage to accomplish the task, it didn't last for long. So the drinking merely brought home the depressing fact that I couldn't drown my sorrows in alcohol. Also, it left me sober while everyone else was drunk.

Ironically the only upside to the drunken friends scenario was Tristan. He's a fabulously ridiculous drunk, fawning over people and telling them not only the traditional “I love you” but precisely why he loved you and what made you just so damn special. He'd also fall a lot, so Jax ended up following him around like Tryst had done to me earlier. Then he tried to put Tristan to bed in one of the spare rooms(which was upstairs while we were downstairs in the theater). Tristan stayed put for all of five minutes before he came rolling down the staircase and crawling into the theater, declaring that he was lonely and how dare we abandon him like that.

Jackson just sighed and rolled his eyes.

So yes the night was fun and distracting but also exhausting. They all spent the night and were gone before I woke up in the morning, which I really appreciated. Goodbyes were even more horrible now so avoiding one was a relief. I had my breakfast (of coffee) and went back to the library.

Chapter Fifty-One

“Vervain,” the soft voice was filled with a wealth of an emotion that I was now very familiar with.

I turned to watch Mrs. E walk into my butterfly courtyard. I'd gone there to find a little peace since I was getting tired of everyone asking me how I was doing. Mrs. E was the last person I'd expected to invade my quiet time but she was also one of the only people I didn't mind doing so.

“Hi,” I patted the bench beside me, “come join me.”

“
I'm sorry I wasn't at the funeral,” she looked away guiltily. “I just couldn't. I couldn't-”

“
I understand,” I took her hand. “I didn't even realize you weren't there. It's okay.”

“
Vervain,” her sweet voice, so damaged by pain, almost broke me and then she held her arms out.

I slid into her hug and then we were both crying, big body-wracking sobs that went on for days it seemed. We cried until we couldn't cry anymore, until we were snotty and ugly, and then we just sat together, holding each other's hands.

She was the perfect companion for me. She knew exactly what I was feeling and knew exactly how to comfort me. Now I knew why she'd withdrawn from us when Tsohanoai died. Well, I'd always known but now I understood. Sometimes it's better to be alone than be around people who want you to feel better so badly that it just ends up stressing you out.

“
Does the screaming ever stop?” I finally whispered.

“
Eventually it fades a little,” she didn't even have to ask me
what I meant and I loved her for it. She knew because she was living it and her knowing that I was talking about the constant screaming inside my head, the constant stream of anguished denial, made me feel better. It made me feel normal.

“
I can't believe it,” I took a shaking breath. “I just can't seem to understand that he's gone. He was so vital, so strong, and had lived for so long that the thought of him being dead just doesn't make any sense.”

“
I know,” she nodded. “I still hear Tsohanoai sometimes. I hear him walking into our bedroom or feel him sit beside me on the bed. I always look up, my heart racing, thinking it was all just a huge mistake, that he's come to tell me everything is going to be alright.”

“
Do you know where he is?” I took her hand. “Do you know what happens to gods when they die?”

“
No one knows, Vervain,” she sniffed. “We are like humans in this, only hoping and guessing that there's something more but we have even less than they. For we have no gods to pray to, no faith to hold to our chests when we mourn. We speak no platitudes to each other, unable to even offer that much.”

“
But there must be something,” I insisted. “I've seen too many souls live on beyond death through magic. If that's possible, then something must have prompted it. Souls must have had somewhere to go initially, a place that inspired gods to create the God Realm. There had to be something before the gods made themselves gods.”

“
I don't know,” she blinked, her eyes gone dry. “It's possible, I guess. I'd just assumed he was completely gone, dispersed like air from a balloon.”

“
I've been reading these old god texts,” I bit my lip. I didn't want to get her hopes up if it was nothing. It was one thing to pin my hopes onto an idea but to bring Mrs. E into it only to crush her
later would be horrible. Yet I selfishly continued. “There's all these notations about a void and even now a lot of gods refer to dying as going into the void but in these books the void is talked abut like it's a place not a euphemism. I think there's a place where we're all meant to go, that gods have in fact been preventing humans from reaching by providing an alternate afterlife for them.”

“
Vervain,” her eyes were wide, her jaw unhinged. “Do you really think so?”

“
I think it's worth looking into,” I squeezed her hand. “Don't expect a miracle or anything but if you felt like doing your own research, I wouldn't mind the help.”

“
I would love to help you on this,” she nodded. “It may become obsessive and it may even appear crazy to others but I don't care. If there's even the smallest chance that I may find Tsohanoai, even if it's only to confirm that he's somewhere I may be able to go someday, I want to do this.”

“
We don't even have to tell anyone,” I gave her a small smile. “We can just say that we're keeping each other company. I'm sure everyone will understand.”

“
You're absolutely right,” she took both of my hands. “Thank you. Even if this yields nothing you've given me something to think about, something to hope for and it's been a long time since I've felt hope.”

I squeezed her hands and wished fervently that our hearts would heal soon, that we'd be able to do this research with calm, rational thoughts and in response, I felt my love magic rise. I was startled by the appearance of the butterflies inside me. This hardly seemed the time for them but then they flowed into my heart and I knew.

How could I have missed it? I had the power to heal myself all along. Maybe I'd avoided it intentionally, knowing grief must be accepted and felt before you could let go of it. Whatever it was,
I'd forgotten a significant aspect of the love magic, the power to heal a broken heart.

It wasn't a complete healing. They didn't fly through me and take all of my pain away because that was truly impossible. I loved Odin and no amount of healing would change the hurt of not having him alive and beside me. I would always miss him, always feel an ache when I thought of him and no magic could change that. To do so would mean a severance of my love for Odin, a complete removal of it and that wasn't what my magic was about.

It was about acceptance though. As is often my lesson, I was hit with another form of acceptance because love is partially acceptance. You accept what the other person is, their whole being, flaws and all, and you accept that loving them leaves you open for being hurt by them. Now I was learning that it also meant accepting that your life goes on even after they're gone.

The crippling pain lifted, and I took a surprised breath as the fluttering filled my heart. Suddenly I was able to think about Odin without wanting to burst into tears. I was able to remember without wanting to forget. There was still a horrible ache but the memories were sweet and comfortable. Then that glow expanded outward and connected with Mrs. E.

Her hands clenched on mine and she shuddered. I opened my eyes, eyes which I hadn't even realized I'd closed, to find her squeezing her own shut as she trembled. Then she took a deep breath and when she released it she seemed to release the tension that had been filling her since the day Tsohanoai was killed. Her face relaxed and she smiled fondly, probably experiencing  memories of her husband.

Then she opened her eyes and focused on me. “Did you know you could do that?”

“I had no idea,” I shook my head. “If I had, I would have helped you sooner.”

“
It's okay,” she gave a little laugh. “I think I would have regretted not having my time to mourn. I still hurt for him but I can think clearer now and I'm even more determined to look into your theory of the void.”

“
Me too,” I stood up. “How about we start now?”