He Comes Next (17 page)

O
KAY, SO YOU REMEMBER
that guy Charlie I was telling you about—the one with the killer sex life who’s been married with kids for nearly ten years?

Well, I finally sat him down in my office one day and asked him to tell me his secret: What exactly did he and his wife do to keep the fires burning so intensely? And you know what he said?

“We don’t
do
anything, doc.”

“What do you mean you don’t do anything?”

“I mean, sure we
do
stuff, but it’s not about what we do.”

“Then what is it about?” I asked, puzzled.

“Let’s see; how can I describe it?” Charlie began. “Well, it’s like a few nights ago, I was watching this show about how the universe is expanding. Did you know that was Einstein’s biggest failing? He thought the universe was static. So, when he finally did figure it out, he said it was the greatest blunder of his life…. Well, I think that’s the biggest blunder we make in our relationships—we assume things are static and don’t let ourselves expand with the universe. I dunno. I’m not sure if I’m making any sense here.”

“Actually, I think you’re making a whole lot of sense, Charlie. Sex is about expanding who we are, what we want, and what we think we want in the most incredibly intimate way. It’s the only place in our lives where get to take and lose control, play make believe, do stuff simply because it feels good, as adults.”

Charlie nodded.

Suddenly, I thought about the woman on the shaky bridge. The psychologists who’d conducted that study had concluded that sexual desire moves and expands: A new, arousing experience can transfer and imprint itself onto a person, a place, even a madeleine (remember Proust?). They went on to hypothesize that falling in love was a process of self-expansion, that first powerful bang when you’re staying up all hours of the night talking and touching, getting to know each other’s likes and dislikes, disappointments and aspirations. And it’s not simply that you’re falling in love with the other person; it’s that it allows you to fall in love with yourself through their eyes as well, to rediscover yourself, to question who you are and, what you want. And it all happens at such a frenetic speed, it’s like an electric current recharging your brain.

But once couples get to know each other, they usually stop asking as many questions of themselves and each other, and that thrill of rapid expansion decreases, resulting in a precipitous drop-off in levels of satisfaction and love. If, however, they continue to engage in mutually expanding activities, they can continue to experience that sense of awe and discovery forever. That’s why it’s so important to choose a mate who provides you with more than momentary physical arousal, but an attraction based on intellectual, emotional, and spiritual compatibility as well. If a relationship gets to the point where you can predict everything your partner will do or say in a given situation, both in bed and out, it’s time to start challenging and expanding your relationship, both alone and together. For the relationship to remain new and exciting, you have to be surprised and delighted by the other person’s unique way of seeing the world. Your partner has to stimulate you in ways you could never do on your own.

The more I thought about this concept, the more I realized Charlie was right. Sex is the ideal forum for expanding the boundaries of a relationship. But to do that you need to be committed to communication and discovery. It must be a place you can go together, safely, to experience pleasure without pressure. Most of us want to let go, to experience the world through fresh eyes, through each other’s eyes, just like we did when we were children, to reawaken that youthful spirit, much like the White Tigress we talked about earlier on. But men, more than women, are trained from birth not to let go, to be responsible mature adults, to be bosses, husbands, protectors, providers, and fathers. Sex provides an outlet from the pressures of life’s constraints.

Sex is the one place where, if there’s enough love and trust in the other person’s genuine desire, the sheer pleasure of letting go can be experienced in a concert of all the senses, which is not only sexually cathartic, but can be emotionally bonding in a way unparalleled by any other form of human interaction.

To achieve that, however, takes the kind of trust and understanding Charlie and his wife have. You have to be able to welcome the fact that there will always be more to explore, more fantasies that evolve. And the relationship must be strong enough to bend and grow without breaking. There must be a fundamental fluidity and receptiveness to new experiences, stimuli, and desires—things that at first make you blush may seem threatening to a long-term relationship (for instance, a fantasy of a one-night stand can either be regarded as a threat or an invitation for exquisite role-play or naughty pillow talk). In other words, by opening yourselves up and sharing what turns you on, even when it’s not technically your partner, you can channel those wonderful sexy secrets into a passionate lifelong journey.

“So that’s your secret?” I asked Charlie.

He flashed me a mischievous grin. “Well, you know, we have other secrets too…sexy secrets. It’s not like they’re all kinky or anything; it’s more the fact that they’re things we know about each other that nobody else does: stuff we like to say or do, that turns us on: fantasies we’ve never told anybody else. And I guess that’s why no one in the world could ever come close to making me as hot as my wife does, even after all these years together. The truth is that when I think of something sexy, the first thing I want to do is tell her. Sex reminds me of my wife. And my wife reminds me of sex. And it all keeps on growing and expanding and twisting and turning in every direction, kind of like the universe. Take last night, for instance….”

Then Charlie stopped himself. “Never mind; it’s a secret.”

Charlie stood up, still reeling from his memories of the night before. “Hey, I’m sorry to disappoint you, doc. I really don’t have too much to say about particular positions and techniques. I guess from the outside looking in my sex life probably looks pretty normal and boring…. But, let me tell you something, I wouldn’t trade one night with my wife for a year at the Playboy Mansion.”

Charlie shut the door behind him.

I thought for a second about Einstein and his blunder of not recognizing that the universe was perpetually expanding.

My eye drifted to the photo of the Capilano Canyon Suspension Bridge on my desk.

Then I picked up the phone. “Hey, honey,” I whispered into the phone…. I have something I want to tell you…. It’s sort of a secret…. Do you have a moment?”

“I do,” she whispered, the two sexiest words in the English dictionary. And that’s the fun of it all—there will always be more to share.

Angier, Natalie.
Woman, An Intimate Geography.
New York: Anchor, 1999.

Aron, Arthur, Elaine Aron, Colin McKenna, and Christina C. Norman. “Couples Shared Participation in Novel and Arousing Activities and Experienced Relationship Quality.”
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
Vol. 78, No. 2: 273–284 (2000).

Bechtel, Stefan, and Lawrence Roy Stain, (eds. of
Men’s Health Magazine
).
Sex: A Man’s Guide
. New York: Berkley, 1998.

Brooks, Gary R.
The Centerfold Syndrome.
New York: Josey-Bass, 1995.

Cambell, Keith, Craig A. Foster, Jeffrey D. Green, and Betty S. Witcher. “Arousal and Attraction: Evidence for Automatic and Controlled Process.”
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
Vol. 74, No. 1: 86–101 (1998).

Cattrall, Kim.
Satisfaction: Art of the Female Orgasm.
New York: Warner Books, 2003.

Cohen, Joseph.
The Penis Book
. New York: Broadway Books, 2004.

Comfort, Alex.
The Joy of Sex.
New York: Pocket Books, 1972.

Crenshaw, Theresa.
The Alchemy of Love and Lust
. New York: Pocket Books, 1997.

Fisher, Helen.
Why We Love.
New York: Henry Holt and Co., 2004.

Freud, Sigmund.
An Outline of Psychoanalysis
. New York: W. W. Norton, 1940.

Freud, Sigmund.
New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis
. New York: W. W. Norton, 1940.

Furhman, Joel.
Eat to Live.
New York: Little, Brown, 2003.

Gottman, John.
The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.
New York: Three Rivers Press, 2001.

Herring, Richard.
Talking Cock
. New York: Thunder’s Mouth Press 2004.

Kaplan, Helen Singer.
The Illustrated Manual of Sex Therapy
. New York: Brunner-Routledge, 1988.

Keesling, Barbara.
How to Make Love All Night
. New York: Harper Paperbacks, 1995.

Koedt, Anne.
The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm
New York: New York Radical Women, 1968.

Lai, His.
The Sexual Teachings of the White Tigress
. Vermont: Destiny Books, 2001.

Lamm, Steven.
The Hardness Factor
. New York: HarperCollins, 2005.

Leiblum, Sandra, and Raymond Rosen.
Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, Third Edition
. New York: The Guilford Press, 2000.

Margolis, Jonathan.
O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm.
New York: Grove, 2004.

Masters, W. H., and V. E. Johnson.
Human Sexual Response.
Boston: Little, Brown, 1966.

Masters, W. H., and V. E. Johnson.
Human Sexual Inadequacy
. Boston: Little, Brown, 1970.

Money, John.
Love Maps.
New York: Prometheus Books, 1988

Morris, Desmond.
The Naked Woman
. New York: Thomas Dunne Books, 2005.

Rush, Norman.
Mortals
. New York: Knopf, 2003.

Schnarch, David.
Passionate Marriage.
New York: Owl Books, 1998.

Schultz, Louis R.
Out in the Open: The Complete Male Pelvis.
California: North Atlantic Books, 1999.

Tiger, Lionel.
The Decline of Males.
New York: St. Martins Press, 2000.

Tisdale, Sallie.
Talk Dirty to Me.
New York: Anchor Books, 1998.

Wellings, Kaye.
First Love, First Sex
. HarperCollins, 1986.

Wiener-Davis, Michele.
The Sex-Starved Marriage
. New York: Simon and Schuster, 2003.

• Once again, I would like to thank my dear friend Naomi Pitcairn for her elegant illustrations, hysterical limericks, and extraordinary artistic eye.
  
• I owe a world of gratitude to my brilliant pal Sue Rosen-stock whose strong opinions, wicked sense of humor, concern over my deadlines, and enthusiastic editorial insights greatly helped these pages.
  
• Many thanks to Judith Regan—quite simply the best publisher a writer could ask for.
  
• Much appreciation to the editorial stewardship of Cassie Jones and everyone else on the HarperCollins/ReganBooks team for their gusto, talent, and support.
  
• My agent, Richard Abate, and his colleagues at ICM continually earn my appreciation for their strategic acumen and sound judgment.
  
• My website designer, Emily Blair, is to be cherished for her clean aesthetic, lovely manner, and incredible versatility.
  
• To my friend and mentor, Dr. William Granzig, I extend my heartfelt appreciation for his enthusiasm, wisdom, and humor, which are a constant source of intellectual rejuvenation.
  
• To everyone at AASECT (the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists), thank you for your important work and for maintaining one of the liveliest online communities I’ve ever had the good fortune to participate in.
  
• To my wife, son, family, and friends, words escape me: The Ancient Greeks taught us six types of love—eros, ludus, storge, pragma, mania, and agape—and you’ve shown me the meaning of them all.
  
• And finally, I would like to thank the many men and women of all ages and backgrounds who were brave enough to share their innermost thoughts and feelings about sex with me. Thank you for your honesty and courage. As Hillel wrote, “If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, then what am I? And if not now, when?”