Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (12 page)

This is the way most people experience their
lives. They do not wake up feeling depressed for no reason. It
takes a specific event or set of circumstances to make them feel
happy or sad.

Even the most positive life includes ups and
downs, but chronic depression can rob you of the good times. It
took me a long while to decide that I deserved a normal chance of
feeling happy. Now I have that, and my quality of life has improved
more than I can say.

Even if you are depressed solely as a result
of the sexual abuse, anti-depressant medication may help you
through a difficult time. If you are struggling with depression,
ask your doctor or psychiatrist if medication treatment is
appropriate for you.

Of course, antidepressants are not a
substitute for working through our emotional issues. For most of
us, counseling is another very effective way to reduce depression.
Challenging our negative thinking can help to reverse our
depressive symptoms.

People who do not suffer from a genetic or
biological depression can often discontinue the use of
antidepressant medication over time. If you are like me, and your
depression has a long, family history, take heart in knowing that
you may be able to find an antidepressant that works well with
minimal side effects.

Part of the reason I avoided medication
treatment for so long was because I wanted to punish myself. I
believed that only bad little boys were sexually abused.

It requires a certain amount of self-esteem
to seek medical attention. We have to realize that we deserve to
feel better, or at least that we deserve a normal chance of feeling
happy.

Depression is a normal emotion. Everyone
experiences depression from time to time. If your depression
becomes crippling, please get the help you need.

Exercise
12-1

Depression Self-Test

-These are the criteria for major depression
taken from the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental
Disorders).

_____ 1. I feel depressed most of the day,
almost every day.

_____ 2. I am less interested and get less
pleasure than I used to out of all, or almost all,

of my activities during the day.

_____ 3. I have experienced a change of more
than 5% of my body weight in a month,

or have a decrease or increase in appetite
nearly every day.

_____ 4. I have trouble sleeping, or I
oversleep nearly every day.

_____ 5. I feel either agitated or “slow”
nearly every day.

_____ 6. I feel tired and have low energy
nearly every day.

_____ 7. I feel bad about myself or feel a
lot of guilt nearly every day.

_____ 8. I have a hard time concentrating or
making decisions nearly every day.

_____ 9. I sometimes have thoughts of death,
or feel suicidal.

All of these symptoms can be indicators of
major depression. If you are experiencing one or more of the
symptoms above, see your doctor or psychiatrist to get a screening
for depression. Remember, suicide is never the answer. If you ever
feel suicidal, or know someone who is feeling suicidal, immediately
contact a suicide hotline, a counselor, or the police to ensure
your safety or the safety of the person involved.

Process
Questions

How often and in what circumstances do I feel
depressed?

What does depression feel like to me?

Have I seen a doctor or psychiatrist to get a
screening for clinical depression? Have I followed through on any
recommended treatment?

How would my life improve if I overcame my
depression?

Which techniques help me to cope with
feelings of depression? (Medication, counseling, keeping a journal,
talking about it, getting out and engaging in social and
recreational activities, exercising at least 3 times a week, light
therapy, creative outlets like art or music, positive thinking,
etc…)

Stepping Stones to Health

Depression

-Try to identify where you are in the
stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to
take.

_____ 1. I feel depressed a lot, and have
never done anything to try to reduce my depression.

_____ 2. I was told by someone that I should
do something about my depression, but I haven’t followed
through.

_____ 3. I have read self-help books, or
tried to find information about depression.

_____ 4. I want to reduce my depression
because I’m miserable, but I don’t know where to begin.

_____ 5. I have talked with others about
depression and asked for advice on how to cope with it.

_____ 6. I am exercising, journaling, or
working to change my irrational thoughts.

_____ 7. I have gone to a doctor or
psychiatrist to get a screening for depression.

_____ 8. I am actively taking medication or
seeing a counselor to reduce symptoms of depression.

_____ 9. I will continue to take medication,
seek counseling, exercise regularly, keep a journal of my feelings,
work to change my irrational thoughts, and do whatever is necessary
to cope with my depression in a healthy way. I deserve a normal
chance of feeling happy.

Chapter 13
–
Grieving

“When it seems that our sorrow is too great to be
borne,

let us think of the great family of the
heavy-hearted into which our grief has

given us entrance,

and inevitable,

we will feel about us,

their arms and their understanding.”

-Helen Keller

Grieving is the process of letting go of the
things we have lost. Survivors of sexual abuse often feel that they
lost their childhood or their innocence. It is important that we
allow ourselves to grieve.

Childhood was never meant to be a time for
suffering, chaos, or fear. Our childhood is the foundation for the
rest of our lives. When this foundation involves pain or
instability, our relationships, our self-esteem, and even our
perceptions of the world can change for the worse.

A poor foundation in childhood may influence
our goals for the future. If our home was ruled by fear and chaos
or our relationships were abusive, we may repeat those patterns in
our adult lives because we can’t imagine anything better.

The loss of our childhood is tragic. It is
worthy of our tears. We need to cry for the things we lost. Perhaps
we were never given the love we needed to develop healthy
self-confidence. Maybe we were never taught to solve our problems
in healthy ways. Some of us feel a deep, empty hole inside of
us.

This loss is real. We need to grieve. We need
to release our toxic pain. Healing is the process of letting go of
our past, and working towards a better tomorrow.

Men often have a harder time grieving than
women. Society tells men that crying is a sign of weakness. Don’t
believe it. We are survivors of sexual abuse. We are the strongest
men in the world.

I sometimes ask my male clients one simple
question. “Does it take more strength to face your pain or to run
from it?” Avoiding our pain and our tears is not, and never will
be, a sign of strength. As a man, I cry whenever I need to.
Expressing my feelings makes me a stronger man, not a weaker
one.

Some women also have a hard time crying.
These women may have come from homes where emotional expression was
never encouraged or allowed. Emotions are not a curse. They are not
bad. But they can be frightening.

Society tells us that we should stuff our
feelings, or try to fill the holes in our lives with money, beauty,
status, or power. Television commercials suggest that if we just
drink enough alcohol, our pain will somehow magically disappear.
But that isn’t true. Painful feelings don’t go away until we allow
ourselves to feel them.

Sometimes we need to cry and really let it
out. Other times, just feeling the pain inside of us and having a
few tears is enough.

As children, we wanted parents who would
protect us and love us. If our parents sexually abused us, we may
retreat into denial. We may still have a hard time seeing our
parents clearly, even as adults.

Some of us learned to filter our parents’
behavior. We exaggerated the times that they were good or loving
and avoided thinking about the times they abused us. We began to
see our parents the way we wanted them to be instead of the way
they truly were.

If our parents were abusive, it may have been
easier to blame ourselves for the abuse. As children, we are
vulnerable. Safety is our highest priority. Children do not have
the strength to cope with intense feelings of insecurity or
fear.

At some point, we have to acknowledge the
truth. If our parents abused us, they abused their power. We need
to stop justifying what they did. We need to forgive ourselves for
what happened. We need to start seeing our situation more clearly.
We need to accept that our parents may never change.

Everyone’s situation is different. Some of us
can say that our parents were usually loving, while others must
admit that their parents were often abusive.

Of course, our childhood was probably not all
bad. We may have a few good memories. There were probably times
when we felt their love.

It’s time to let go of the way we wanted our
parents to be. Healing, in this case, is simply a matter of seeing
reality for what it is. Maybe we didn’t get the loving parents we
wanted.

If you make excuses for your parents’
behavior, blamed yourself for what happened, or always tried to be
the healthy parent your brothers or sisters deserved, I highly
recommend that you read
Co-Dependent No More
, by Melody
Beattie. This is an excellent description of the reasons we become
codependent, and how to break free from this unhealthy behavior
pattern.

Another loss many of us experienced was the
loss of our self-respect. Over time, we began to behave
self-destructively. We stayed in abusive relationships, turned to
drugs or alcohol, acted out sexually, or treated others and
ourselves as objects. We failed to respect our bodies and our
personal boundaries.

In her book,
On Death and Dying
,
Elizabeth Kubler Ross describes the five stages of grieving. They
are denial or shock, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally
acceptance. Letting go is something that happens after we have
struggled, processed our feelings of sadness, and gone through
depression. It occurs when we stop fighting the reality of what
happened to us.

Accepting the fact that we were sexually
abused is often a grieving process. We may have lost our hopes for
a happy childhood. We may have lost our trust in other people or
the safety of this world. We may have lost our self-esteem and our
self-respect. When we accept the truth of what happened to us, we
may really begin to feel these losses.

Of course, accepting what happened to us does
not mean condoning it. We do not approve of what our abusers did,
and we may not be ready to forgive. Acceptance simply means
acknowledging and allowing the truth. We need to grieve and let go
of what happened in our past so that we can move to the next stage
of our lives.

Letting go happens when we reach the end of
our fear. It is a tremendous gift when we can finally release our
anger.

For many of us, sexual abuse leads to deep
control issues. There is no way to change what happened to us, and
there may have been nothing we could have done to prevent the
abuse. Addictions and negative behaviors feed off our desire for
control. These compulsive behaviors can choke and stagnate the
natural flow of our lives.

Many of us tried to control our feelings in
order to avoid the pain. We learned that terrible things can happen
to us when we lose control. Terrible things like sexual abuse.

At some point during the abuse, we began to
hold on to our pain instead of releasing it. Instead of letting our
pain pass through us and out of us, we tried harder and harder to
change the way we felt. We were so angry with our abusers. We
wanted control over our bodies, our minds, and the direction of our
lives.

What did we do with our angry feelings? What
did we do with our pain?

I believe we wanted to let go. We wanted to
release our feelings of shame, guilt, pain, and self-loathing. We
wanted to delete the past somehow, or figure out how to heal.

I used to believe that if I drank enough
alcohol, my pain would magically disappear. I smoked cigarettes for
more than ten years to feel more confident and take away feelings
of anxiety and depression. At one point, I believed that if I could
only find someone who would love me enough, it would make me feel
better about myself.

What do you think I got for all of my
misguided efforts? Bleeding ulcers, smoker’s cough, bronchitis,
kidney pain, addiction, low self-esteem, shame, guilt, and further
abuse. I was attracted to women who reminded me of my abusers and I
stayed with them because I felt like I needed their love. I abused
myself with chemicals that made me feel worse about myself, not
better. My attempts at feeling better and letting go were a total
catastrophe.

The only way to release pain and negative
feelings is to allow them to happen. Another word for accepting is
allowing. If I had allowed myself to cry, I would not have had to
drink. If I had allowed myself to grieve my losses, I would not
have had to stay with partners that abused me.

In so many ways, I did not want to feel. Why
is it so hard to allow ourselves to feel our feelings? When we
allow ourselves to cry, don’t we eventually feel better? When we
allow ourselves to feel powerless about sex, won’t we eventually
let go of our obsessive need to control it? When we allow ourselves
to feel unloved, doesn’t God, a friend, or a pet eventually show us
that they love us? We don’t need to be so afraid of our
feelings.