Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (15 page)

As important as love is to our health and
happiness, we must never sacrifice our self-respect to get it.
Abusive relationships that promise love but compromise our
self-esteem are still abuse, and feeling loved by someone else will
never be as important as loving and respecting ourselves.

Which type of love has the strongest effect
on our health and well-being? Who is always in our head? Who is
always in our hearts? Who do we have to live with, every moment of
every day?

We must never accept abuse. If we try to
confront a partner about their abusive behavior and they refuse to
change, it is our responsibility to end the relationship. We owe it
to ourselves. The love we demonstrate for ourselves by ending an
unhealthy relationship is the same love that can carry us through
the pain of a breakup.

Love comes in many forms. Three years ago, I
bought a miniature dachshund named William Wallace. “Willie” has
been a constant source of unconditional love in my life. I let
people into my life who treat me well and are willing to prove they
are trustworthy over time. I work to strengthen my relationship
with God. I work to resolve my personal issues so that I can become
more loving to others.

There are many ways to find the love we need.
We must open our hearts when it’s safe, protect ourselves when we
need to, and never, ever give up.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: You Deserve Love

I have to heal my inner child, because he is
the one who believes he doesn’t deserve to be loved.

My negative beliefs about myself are
resistant to change. A part of me is afraid of healing. I have
grown comfortable with my belief that I don’t deserve to be loved.
I need to push through this resistance in my mind. Can I say, “I
deserve to be loved” out loud and mean it?

Sometimes I feel afraid of abandonment. In
the past, I felt abandoned when I was living alone, sometimes even
when I was with a partner. It’s not logical, but that’s how I
felt.

When I feel abandoned, I feel unloved, cold,
and empty, because I don’t feel loved by others, and I don’t love
myself.

My abusers fed me, housed me, and never left
me alone for very long. But I never felt loved by them.

At the root of my fear of abandonment is my
fear of being unloved. I need to let myself shake and release this
fear. I need lots of love in order to heal. I deserve to be loved.
I will do whatever I can to help myself feel loved.

I will have a pet, because I deserve
unconditional love in my life. If I am with a partner who is
incapable of loving me, I will break off that relationship and keep
looking for a partner who can give me the love I need. Someone who
can demonstrate their love for me through their actions. I deserve
love. I will never give up on finding it.

If I catch myself saying, “I don’t deserve to
be loved,” I need to ask myself why I feel that way. I need to find
out where that inner voice is coming from, and the reasons that I
feel unworthy of love. I need to refute the lies I was told by my
abusers about who I am and what I deserve.

When I decided to become a counselor, it took
me two years of hard work and frustration to get my Master’s
Degree. I need to put the same kind of effort into my
relationships. I need to remember the concept of merit-based pay,
because it’s true in relationships just like everything else. I
will only get what I work for. I could not have found a good job
without getting my Master’s Degree first. I will not find a good
relationship until I heal the sexual abuse.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #2: What Happens When You Realize You
Deserve To Be Loved

When I realize I deserve to be loved, I don’t
have to try to force anyone to love me.

When I realize I deserve to be loved, I
attract loving people.

When I realize I deserve to be loved, I feel
loved.

When I realize I deserve to be loved, I love
myself.

When I realize I deserve to be loved, I can
and will let go of unloving people.

When I realize I deserve to be loved, I
realize that everyone deserves to be loved.

When I realize I deserve to be loved, no
setback can stop me from finding the love that I deserve.

When I realize I deserve to be loved, I will
eventually find the love that I seek.

When I realize I deserve to be loved, I know
that love is coming my way. I will see it and welcome it into my
life.

When I realize I deserve to be loved, I will
never give up on finding a partner who will truly love me.

Knowing I deserve to be loved comes from
self-esteem. Being worthy means believing I am a good person. When
I love myself and believe I am a good person, I realize I deserve
to be loved.

I really need to love myself from now on.
Everyone deserves to be loved. I deserve to be loved.

Process
Worksheet

Did I receive the kind of love I wanted or
needed as a child or adult?

If I did not received the kind of love I
wanted or needed as a child or adult, what are the unhealthy ways I
tried to compensate for feeling unloved? (Becoming sexually
promiscuous, turning to drugs or alcohol, pushing people away,
isolating myself, etc…)

What sources of love can I turn to now?
(Parents, God, family, pets, friends, significant other, kids,
self, etc.…)

How does my self-esteem improve when I feel
loved?

What am I doing in my life right now to get
the love that I need? (Finding new friendships, getting a pet,
strengthening my relationship with God, healing my relationships
with parents or family, dating, etc…)

Stepping Stones to Health

Deserving Love

-Try to identify where you are in the
stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to
take.

_____ 1. I feel that I am unlovable.

_____ 2. I believe that there are loveable
people in this world, but I’m not one of them.

_____ 3. I might deserve to be loved if I
hadn’t done such terrible things in the past.

_____ 4. I figure the reason I was unloved as
a child was that I was not worthy of being loved.

_____ 5. I figure I must have done something
terribly wrong to deserve their abuse.

_____ 6. I’m starting to think it might not
have been my fault that I was abused.

_____ 7. It seems strange. Other people have
loved me throughout my life, just not my abuser/abusers.

_____ 8. I can finally see that if it hadn’t
been me, my abuser/abusers would have found someone else to
abuse.

_____ 9. I think maybe I am a good person.
The things my abuser/abusers did can’t change that.

_____ 10. I am beginning to accept love from
wherever it comes. I accept love from people, pets, myself, and
God.

_____ 11. It feels good to be loved. I think
I deserve it.

_____ 12. I will do whatever I can to find
love in my life. I will never give up on finding the love I need,
and will continue to demonstrate love for others.

Chapter 16
–
Low Self-Esteem

“Whatever games are played with us, we must
play no games with ourselves.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Low self-esteem comes from feeling unworthy,
defective, or not good enough. It can cause us to stay in abusive
relationships, hurt ourselves with addictions, neglect our personal
needs, or always put the needs of others before our own.

Low self-esteem is common in survivors of
sexual abuse. Many of us did not understand the reasons we were
abused, so we tried to convince ourselves that the abuse was our
fault. We came to believe that we must have done something terribly
wrong to “deserve” to be abused.

When sexual abuse “works,” we become a shell
of a person. We replace whatever good feelings we have about
ourselves with shame. Shame about our bodies, shame about our
lives, and shame about the abuse.

We begin to choose abuse in our daily lives.
We choose abusive relationships and stay with abusive partners. We
sell our bodies to people we know will treat us like objects or
degrade us. We don’t stand up to people that criticize us or yell
at us.

We isolate ourselves and avoid relationships
with people who would be good to us. We destroy our bodies with
alcohol and drugs. We fail to take care of our needs, and fail to
pursue the things we really want out of life.

How do we become so self-destructive? It is
because we believe that we are bad. That we deserve to be punished.
That we are not worthy of the good things life has to offer.

Many of us were brainwashed into
self-destruction. At some point, we decided that we really were
just sexual objects. We decided that our feelings really didn’t
matter.

When everything inside of us is disregarded,
abandoned, or abused, we stop feeling loved. We no longer feel
full. Instead, we feel empty.

We don’t like ourselves, so we empty our
lives instead of filling ourselves with the love we need. We fill
our lungs with smoke and empty out our health. We fill our bodies
with liquor and empty out our brains. We fill our stomachs with
food and empty out our self-respect.

We feel increasingly hollow and empty as we
continue to engage in these self-destructive behaviors. Over time,
we grow weaker and less capable of handling the challenges of life.
We grow increasingly needy for the chemicals and addictions we
think will make us strong. When we get trapped in this
self-destructive, downward spiral, we empty out everything we need
to survive.

When sexual abuse “works,” we blame ourselves
for the abuse. We decide that we were bad or that we must have done
something terrible to provoke the abuser. Maybe we were too
seductive. Maybe if we hadn’t been such a bad little boy or girl,
they wouldn’t have molested us. Maybe it really is our fault.

Maybe all we’re good for is sex, so at least
we should get paid for having sex. Maybe if we use enough drugs,
sleep with enough people, drink enough alcohol, take enough pills,
or smoke enough cigarettes, we will feel better. But we never do.
We only feel worse. And the more we abuse ourselves, the worse we
feel.

When sexual abuse “works,” we stop caring. We
decide that it is hopeless. All we will ever feel is pain. All we
will ever be good for is sex. All we can ever do is self-medicate.
All we will ever know is abuse. We will never break free and never
feel better. We will continue to abuse ourselves, and we will
continue to be abused.

Sexual abuse leads to low self-esteem. But
every negative pattern we change, every issue we resolve, every
addiction we conquer, every negative belief we reprogram will
improve our self-esteem. Low self-esteem is not an accident. It has
many causes. Yet every one of those causes can be discovered,
examined, explained, and reversed.

Low self-esteem does not need to be
permanent. It does not have to be a life-sentence. But to improve
our self-esteem, we must begin to change the way we think about and
relate to ourselves.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: Low Self-Esteem

(To Myself): I hate myself.

I hate feeling so weak. If hate feeling so
much fear and so much pain. I hate my inability to control my life,
my powerlessness, and my vulnerability. Sexual abuse leads to low
self-esteem because it takes the worst parts of being human and
puts them right in my face!

(My wise, inner voice): It’s okay to be
vulnerable. It’s okay to have no control. It’s okay to feel weak.
You are a good person, even when you feel down on yourself. You
don’t need to have absolute control.

I need to accept some vulnerability in my
life, some lack of control, and some weakness. I need to stop
trying to control things that are beyond my control. I don’t need
to feel so afraid of my past or my future. I can love myself. I can
love my vulnerability and my weaknesses. I can allow these feelings
to pass through me without becoming self-destructive.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry#2: Fear of Sexual Abuse

I feel a lot of fear. I am still afraid of
the abuse. Sometimes I’m so afraid that I attract people or
situations that remind me of the past. I am attracted to women who
were sexually abused. I shake with fear and terror when I think
about what happened to me. I experience flashbacks and terrifying
dreams.

I need to release my fear. I need to allow
myself to feel it and let it to pass through me. I don’t want to
keep these feelings bottled up inside of me anymore. I don’t want
to let this fear control me.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #3: Anger at God

I don’t think God should allow adults to
sexually abuse children, because children have no way to stop the
abuse. They are so physically, mentally, and emotionally
defenseless. The abuser is in a position of total power.

This is completely unjust, the most wrongful
injustice there is.

I had no defense against my abusers. I could
not cry out, or I would be silenced. I could not object, or I would
be cut down. I could not complain, because no one would believe me.
Sexual abuse is so unfair, so painful, and so wrong.

The abuse I experienced hurt me on the
deepest levels. I’m angry with God, angry with my abusers, and
angry at the world.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #4: Anger at People

Today I was wondering why I hate myself so
much, and I realized that the answer is “people.”

People can be so cruel to me, so
disrespectful or downright abusive. How can I maintain my
self-esteem when other people are abusing me?