Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (26 page)

Can we set healthy boundaries with our own
behavior? Can we set healthy boundaries on the behavior of others?
Can we love others, even when we have nothing to gain? Can we
support others, even when it involves personal sacrifice?

Can we become men and women of integrity? Are
we engaged in addictions or behaviors that make us feel guilty or
ashamed? Do we lie, cheat, or steal to get what we want? Are we
truthful about our feelings, or do we keep secrets?

When we truly care about others and work to
meet their needs, we win friends, companions, and partners. Love
increases love, and one act of kindness leads to another.

Even if we haven’t had healthy relationships
in the past, that doesn’t mean we can’t cultivate them in our lives
today. We are not cursed. We do not have to choose partners who
disrespect us. We do not have to stay in relationships with people
who abuse us.

Working to create good relationships in our
lives is a critical part of our healing process. Many of us were
raised by parents or family members who mistreated us or abused us.
Without proper role models, we may have never learned the value of
respect, trust, communication, boundaries, and support.

How To Win Friends And Influence
People
, an excellent book by Dale Carnegie, describes how
taking a genuine interest in others often results in them taking a
genuine interest in us. When we show others that we care for them,
they are more likely to care for us in return.

Try the suggestions in this chapter. Try
thinking of other people’s needs more often. Try to become less
selfish. Try to develop integrity, and act in ways you will not
later regret. When we are motivated by love, we feel better about
ourselves. We begin to overcome the self-abuse of our past, and
stop accepting abuse from others.

There is a better way to live and to love. To
attract healthy partners, we must become the person we want to
meet. As we work to create better relationships with ourselves, we
develop the tools we need to create lasting, healthy relationships
with others.

Stepping Stones to Health

Good Relationships

-Try to identify where you are in the
stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to
take.

_____ 1. I am unhappy with a relationship
that is verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive,
but I am too afraid to end it.

_____ 2. I am unhappy with a verbally,
physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive relationship and I
have approached my partner about going to therapy or couples
counseling to talk about our problems.

_____ 3. I have approached a verbally,
physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive partner about
doing therapy or marital counseling but he or she is unwilling to
work on themselves or to change.

_____ 4. I have decided that I need to get
out of this verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually
abusive relationship, but I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid
for myself and my children.

_____ 5. I have contacted a women’s/men’s
shelter or a supportive family member so I will have a place to
stay, and I am willing to involve the police if necessary to break
off this abusive relationship.

_____ 6. I have broken off a verbally,
physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive relationship and I
feel very hurt.

_____ 7. I am angry and cynical about
relationships because of what happened to me.

_____ 8. I am working to heal myself because
I know I can’t have good relationships until I become healthy.

_____ 9. I am working to understand my own
issues in relationships, and trying to change my patterns and
behaviors.

_____ 10. I have spent some time working on
myself and have become interested in dating again.

_____ 11. I have learned from the mistakes I
made in the past, and have decided to approach relationships
cautiously.

_____ 12. I take my time getting to know
people, and am careful about giving them my trust (I give it at
least a year before making any major commitments).

_____ 13. I promptly break off any
relationship that become verbally, physically, psychologically, or
sexually abusive.

_____ 14. I am currently seeking or have
found a relationship that is supportive instead of abusive.

Chapter 30
–
Staying Healthy

“Empowerment does not mean gaining power or
control over this world.

It means gaining power and control over our
own decisions.”

-Jason Goodwin

Overcoming the effects of sexual abuse may be
the most difficult challenge of our lives. Sexual abuse forces us
to answer questions like, “Am I a bad person? Can I be brainwashed
into believing I am a bad person? Can I be manipulated into abusing
others? Can I be manipulated into abusing myself?”

The way we answer these fundamental questions
determines whether we prolong the cycle of abuse or end it. Whether
we get stuck in our pain or choose to heal it. Whether we allow
ourselves to be controlled, or take back our power, our choices,
and our lives.

Empowerment does not mean gaining power or
control over this world. It means gaining power and control over
our own decisions. Deciding for ourselves how we want to be
treated. Deciding for ourselves how we will treat others. Deciding
for ourselves who we are, what we deserve, and what we will create
with our lives.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: Helping Ourselves When We Are
Hurting

I recently broke off an abusive relationship
for the first time in my life. She was so good to me at first. I
trusted her. But there was too much I didn’t know. I moved in with
her too quickly.

Within a month of living together, she became
verbally abusive. She would yell and scream at me in an effort to
make me feel bad about myself. She blamed me for the problems we
were having and was completely unwilling to look at her own
issues.

Her abuse was my final test. I had moved all
the way to Canada to be with her. I knew that if I ended the
relationship, I would have no money, no job, and no place to live.
I would lose everything I owned.

I had spent $10,000 moving to Canada and had
gone an additional $10,000 in debt. I knew that if I broke off the
relationship, my life would be completely shattered.

“Should I get out of this abusive
relationship?” I asked myself. “Even if it means losing
everything?” My answer, for the first time in my life, was a
resounding “Yes.” I had to leave, no matter the cost.

It is truly a blessing when we can finally
see the fork in the road. When we finally see the difference
between following that old, familiar path and embarking on a new,
more rewarding journey.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #2
:
Getting What You Work For

About two and a half months ago I announced
to my parents, “I’ve done it! I’ve finally worked through my sexual
abuse issues!”

They said they were very happy for me. After
years of struggle, I felt that I had finally achieved success.

The next day, my father told me that the
receptionist at his dentist’s office noticed me the last time I
came in for a cleaning. She had written her phone number on the
back of her business card.

I called her the following day and we went
out on a date. To my surprise, we were extremely compatible.

Since that time, I have been truly blessed to
know her. She is a loving, wonderful, and very supportive person. I
realize now that the time of our meeting was not a coincidence. We
attend church services together and I believe that I have finally
found my best friend and soul-mate.

I have worked so hard to heal the sexual
abuse of my past. Perhaps God has given me my reward.

Stepping Stones to Health

Staying Healthy

-Try to identify where you are in the
stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to
take.

_____ 1. I am working to overcome my chemical
and behavioral addictions.

_____ 2. I allow myself to experience my
emotions instead of repressing them.

_____ 3. I avoid self-sabotage.

_____ 4. I am processing feelings of shame,
guilt, and depression.

_____ 5. I am working to heal my inner
child.

_____ 6. I try to let go of the things I
cannot control.

_____ 7. I am resolving issues of betrayal,
violation, and trust.

_____ 8. I am acting in harmony with my
values.

_____ 9. I am taking care of myself
physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

_____ 10. I am cultivating the healthy
relationships in my life.

_____ 11. I am committed to healing.

Afterwards

Dear Reader:

I hope and pray that this book has helped
you, and will continue to help you, with your healing process. God
bless you on your journey.

Sincerely,

Jason Goodwin M.Ed.

(To order hard copies of this book,

please visit

www.thehealingplacestore.com
.)

(Please direct questions and comments to:

[email protected]
.)