Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (18 page)

No one wants to feel powerless, yet sometimes
we have to accept some weakness in our lives. When we turn to
addictions to avoid our feelings, we are running from the truth of
this world. As our addictions grow, we may be forced to compromise
our morals and our values. Do we care about doing what is
right?

Fear can be a strong motivator. It is our
society’s collective fear of weakness that led to the saying, “Nice
guys finish last.” People who stick to a strong moral code of
conduct may feel weak or taken for granted in their daily lives.
They may not get the promotion at work, or make as much money as
other, more ruthless employees. They may be pushed aside by people
who are willing to hurt others to get to the top. People who
believe in a strong moral code have to accept some weakness in
their lives.

Most of us want to be comfortable, have some
nice things, and retain a certain degree of freedom, personal
power, and control. Most of us are not selfless servants of
God.

As survivors of sexual abuse, we feel
violated by what happened to us. But we have no desire to repeat
the cycle of abuse.

Alcoholics Anonymous urges us to strive for
“progress, not perfection,” and this is the truth that most of us
live by. It is probably not realistic to believe that we will
become perfect saints in this lifetime. Only that we will become
more loving in all of our relationships and keep moving in a
positive direction.

We can grow more tolerant of weakness. We can
try to face our fears instead of succumbing to temptation. We can
become less hurtful and more loving, less hateful and more
forgiving, less controlling and more accepting. We can learn to
experience our feelings instead of numbing them with
addictions.

While it is important to be realistic, we
must always look to hope. As survivors in recovery, we are on the
road to something better and every day we take another step.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: When I Feel Powerless

1. I find healthy ways of expressing my
anger. (Exercising, kick-boxing, venting with a friend, yelling
when no one’s around, writing about my feelings, etc…)

2. I allow myself to feel my fear. I allow my
body to shake instead of turning to drugs or alcohol.

3. I do whatever I can to improve my
situation.

4. I pray for God to help me let go of the
things I cannot change.

5. I realize that I am only human.

6. I hold onto hope that my situation will
improve if I keep doing the right things.

Process
Questions

In what ways have I felt powerless in the
past?

What are some of the things I did to make
myself feel powerful? Which of these approaches were healthy? Which
were self-destructive or harmful to others?

What are some of the ways I could cope with
my feelings of powerlessness? (Talk about them with a trusted
friend, family member, or counselor? Try to allow my feelings to
happen and let them pass through me? Work on letting go by praying
and turning my situation over to God?)

Have I ever tried to control something I
could not control? What did that feel like?

Have I ever succeeded in letting go of
something I could not control? How did that feel?

Chapter 19
–
Fear

“I will show you fear in a handful of
dust.”

-T.S. Eliot

Sexual abuse is a terrifying concept. Most of
us don’t want to talk about it or think about it. We would prefer
to pretend that it doesn’t exist.

Sometimes we wonder, “Why did that abuse
happen to me? Was I too attractive? Was I behaving too seductively?
Did I send the wrong signals to my abuser?”

If we think this way, it is because we are
looking in the wrong place. Sexual abuse is not impossible to
predict. But the determining factors lie within an abuser, not
within us.

It’s as if we were caught up in a terrible
storm. We survived, but for many of us, the event changed our lives
forever.

Some of us blame ourselves for the abuse. We
decide that we didn’t build a strong enough house. We were too
vulnerable.

Others blame God. We believe that God was
angry with us or wanted to destroy our lives. We feel abandoned by
Him/Her, or that He/She didn’t care what happened to us. We shake
our fists at the sky.

Some of us blame mother nature. We wish that
science would discover a way to prevent storms.

Some of us believe it was fate. We come to
believe that storms are part of the natural order. Our house was
demolished because it was time for us to move on.

I believe that healing the pain of sexual
abuse is an opportunity to grow. There are three possible reactions
to having been abused. The first is to sexually abuse others in
exactly the same way we were abused. The second is to turn our
anger inwards and abuse ourselves with addictions and other
self-destructive behaviors. The third is to decide that we will
never abuse others or ourselves.

Abuse is like a storm we cannot predict or
control. Our only choice lies in our response. The final challenge
of sexual abuse is learning to treat ourselves with dignity and
respect, even when we have been abused.

Denial is the worst type of fear. A mother in
denial about the sexual abuse of a child may ignore what is
happening or fail to hold an abusive husband or partner
accountable. She may even blame the child for the abuse. Some
mothers fear that confronting an abusive partner could lead to
emotional or financial ruin for her and her children. She may blame
herself for not being attractive enough to her partner.

When we find the courage to tell others we
were abused, our revelation is rarely met with empathy. No one
wants to hear it. No one wants to believe it happened. Some would
prefer we had remained silent.

They would rather believe that sexual abuse
always happens in someone else’s home. “It could never happen in my
family,” they say. “It could never happen in my house.”

Fear can lead family members to keep quiet
and avoid confronting the abuser. Abusers remain in denial or fail
to take responsibility for their actions. Survivors try to pretend
the abuse never happened, blame themselves, or medicate their
feelings with addiction. Fear of sexual abuse perpetuates sexual
abuse.

Which person in this unhealthy family system
fears sexual abuse the most? Who was made to suffer? Who was made
to feel incredibly powerless? Who was molested or raped as a child
or adult? Whose beliefs about the safety of this world were forever
changed? Whose childhood or innocence was lost? Who must work the
hardest to pick up the pieces?

We have more reason to fear sexual abuse than
anyone. It affected our lives and ravaged our self-esteem. While
others can try to deny it, pretend that it didn’t happen, or
believe it wasn’t that bad, we cannot. Our lives were forever
altered by something that is terribly real. We have to face sexual
abuse. Not because we ever wanted to, but because we have no
choice.

Sexual abuse is the most frightening subject
there is. Murder? Many of us would have preferred death to the
abuse we endured. Torture? Some of us were tortured over and over
again. Betrayal? There is no deeper form of betrayal than a parent
sexually abusing his/her own child. Rape? Some of us were raped at
a young age, when we were completely vulnerable and incapable of
defending ourselves.

It is scary. We were terrified. We were
traumatized. We have every reason to feel the way we do. No, we’re
not crazy. Anyone else, if faced with the same terrifying abuse,
would have responded in a similar way. We’re not strange and we’re
not broken. But we are wounded and we do need to heal.

Sometimes our inner child still feels afraid
years after the abuse occurred. We can get stuck in our trauma and
experience flashbacks to the abuse.

The degree of trauma a person experiences
depends on how painful or frightening the circumstances were. Most
people are more comfortable discussing the horrors of war than the
horrors of sexual abuse. Which is more frightening? Which is more
traumatic? Anyone who survived years of severe sexual abuse knows
the answer to that question.

But despite the fact that sexual abuse is
traumatic, we can still choose to make mature, responsible
decisions as adults. No matter how afraid we feel, we cannot allow
our frightened, inner child to sabotage our growth.

The more we understand, the less we fear. The
more we realize we were not to blame for the abuse, the less we
blame ourselves. The more we release the terror we experienced as
children, the less terror we experience as adults.

We cannot give in to fear. We cannot give up
on healing. We cannot allow the abuse of our past to destroy the
hope of our future.

Fear can be a powerful foe. It may have
persuaded us to make poor decisions. It may have urged us to abuse
alcohol and drugs. It may have convinced us to stay in abusive
relationships. It may have challenged our self-worth. It may have
led us to question our belief in God.

But fear is like a dragon. It is thirty feet
long, with razor sharp fangs and claws. It has thick scales that
cannot be penetrated by any lance or arrow. It breathes fire,
consuming all in its wake. It is powerful, majestic, and
terrifying. The grandest of all monsters, the perfect killing
machine, and the destroyer of all we hold dear. Until we realize
that it isn’t real.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: Fear of Sexual Abuse

When I experience flashbacks to the abuse, I
shake with fear. I wanted so desperately to stop what was happening
to me, but there was nothing I could do.

I let myself shake when I feel afraid,
because I want to release my fear. When I was abused, I was trapped
in a terrifying situation and there was no escape.

Sometimes I still feel afraid of losing
control. I’m afraid I will lose control over the fear and the pain
inside of me. The fear of sexual abuse. The pain of betrayal. God,
I feel so betrayed.

When I allow myself to shake and release my
fear, I begin to feel less afraid with time. I deserve to be loved,
not betrayed!

I need to remember that my fear is temporary.
My depression, which often results from fear and negative thinking,
is also temporary. It will pass.

Fear is not unlimited. The more I release,
the less I have. I need to keep releasing my fear.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #2: Fear of Fear

I am shaking with fear and flashing back to
the abuse. Why am I so afraid?

I’m afraid of my fear because:

1. This fear causes me to go deeply into
depression. Sometimes I don’t believe I can complete my daily
routine, because all of my thoughts have turned negative.

2. I don’t want to get hysterical or have a
nervous breakdown.

3. I’m afraid of losing my job if I break
down or get overly emotional at work.

4. My fear makes me feel like I’m losing
control.

5. I’m afraid that my fear will overwhelm
me.

6. Sometimes my fear makes me feel like I’m
going crazy.

7. This fear challenges my self-esteem.

The outcome of my life is in God’s hands. I
need to let go of control. I’ve been afraid that my fear would kill
me.

(Wise, inner voice): Okay, an honest
question. Will your fear kill you?

No. Fear alone cannot kill me. It cannot
destroy me. What is the worst that could happen? I could have a
nervous breakdown and spend a couple of weeks in the “funny farm.”
And would that really be so bad?

Fear is temporary. My depression, which is
often the result of my fear and negative thinking, is also
temporary. It will pass.

Fear is not unlimited. The more I release,
the less I have. I need to keep releasing my fear.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #3: Releasing Control and
Understanding Depression

It’s time for me to realize that I can’t
control my fear. I can’t stop it, I can’t avoid it, I can’t prevent
it, and I can’t make it better. I can’t keep it from affecting me.
All I can do is try to work through it.

(Wise, inner voice): Have courage. Your fear
cannot destroy you. You are an eternal child of God.

Fear leads to depression and low self-esteem.
When I feel depressed, I start thinking negatively about work,
life, my future, and my value as a person.

Negative thoughts about myself lead to low
self-esteem. They cause me to abuse myself, criticize myself, or
feel ashamed.

Much of my depression and low self-esteem is
the result of my fear. My head is full of garbage and it’s time to
take out the trash.

Exercise 19-1

Facing Your Fears

-Ask yourself the following questions about
your biggest fears. In order to face our fears, we must first
understand what it is that we are afraid of. Write down the answers
to each of the following questions on a separate sheet of
paper:

1. What is it I’m afraid of?

2. What are the reasons I’m afraid of this
thing?

3. What might happen if this thing came
true?

4. What is the worst that could happen if
this thing came true?

5. Is it likely that this thing will come
true?

6. If this thing came true, would it lead to
my death?

7. If this thing came true, could I
recover?

8. Is this a healthy or unhealthy fear? Does
this fear keep me safe from harm, or is it illogical?

9. Does this fear make my life better or
worse?