Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (23 page)

How do we feel when we look honestly at our
behaviors, our actions, and the direction of our lives? Does our
behavior measure up to our personal standards?

When our actions cause serious harm to others
or ourselves, we may experience something deeper than guilt. We may
believe that our actions are immoral or evil. Often the toughest
judge and the harshest critic is the one inside our own heads.

Sometimes our morals and values are like a
compass, pointing us in the direction of true north. They can tell
us which actions and behaviors lead to a better life, positive
self-esteem, and greater love for ourselves and others.

Other times we judge ourselves unfairly. We
become too critical and demanding. If we can never do a good enough
job and can never get it right, we will always feel guilty and
ashamed. It’s important to try to keep this darker side of our
values in check so it doesn’t take control of our lives. This
shame-based part of us grows stronger as we grow weaker. It wants
us to hurt.

It’s important to remember that we don’t have
to be perfect, but must always work to improve ourselves. We are on
a journey from a state of greater ignorance to a state of greater
understanding. As we learn and grow, our behaviors change. We learn
to recognize our own, unhealthy behavior patterns.

Judging ourselves too harshly can mire us in
shame and guilt. It blocks the natural flow of life and the normal
growth process.

We can change. We can heal the abuse of our
past. We need not sentence ourselves to a life of misery.

Self-condemnation is unhealthy. Perfectionism
is unhealthy. We are all human and we all make mistakes. It’s okay.
We’re on the same path. We’re all imperfect.

Perfectionists are lying to themselves and
the world. They labor endlessly in an attempt to measure up to
impossible standards, because they’re too afraid to accept the
reality of who they are. And who are they, really? They’re human.
They’re imperfect and insecure, just like the rest of us.

It’s important to become more comfortable
with our humanity. We need to avoid judging ourselves too harshly.
Instead, we can accept where we are and focus our energy on the
positive goals we’d like to accomplish.

Sometimes we have very little control over
our circumstances. But success is not a measure of the
circumstances we find ourselves in. It is a measure of our
attitudes and our actions.

We were sexually abused. Those are the
circumstances. If we survived this long, we have every right to
feel good about ourselves. We have displayed courage, strength, and
personal resolve. This is the true measure of our success.

Judging ourselves too harshly can become a
form of self-abuse. We need to treat ourselves with kindness and
understanding. If we have unhealthy behavior patterns, we must
realize that we can work to change them over time. Addictions are
difficult to overcome and deep emotional trauma is slow to heal.
Being patient and persistent always pays off, especially with the
more difficult challenges in life.

The opposite of judging ourselves too harshly
is failing to look honestly at our own faults. As humans, there are
times when we try to blame our personal shortcomings on others.
Sometimes we complain about a partner but fail to see how we
attract people who mistreat us. We criticize others for their
addictions or selfish behaviors, but fail to see our own.

When we remain blind to our personal issues,
we fail to develop the motivation necessary to change. Sometimes we
have to experience negative consequences before we recognize we
have a problem.

We cannot stop this world from producing
abusers. We cannot change a partner or parent who does not want to
change. The problems in our lives that deserve the most attention
are the ones inside our own hearts and minds.

Certainly we can advocate for greater
education to prevent sexual abuse. We can support increased funding
for treatment. We can network with other survivors to create
support groups that make us feel less isolated and more understood.
But our emphasis must always be on healing ourselves.

When we work to align our behavior with our
values, we develop greater insight into where we’re at, where we
want to go, and what it will take to get there.

Exercise 25-1

Defining Our Values

On a blank piece of paper, make a list of the
top ten things you value most. Rank them from 1-10, with 1 being
the most important and 10 being the least.

Then take another piece of paper and divide
it into two columns. The first column will be entitled, “My current
behavior concerning this value.” The second column will be called,
“The kinds of behavior that would support this value.”

“My current behavior concerning this value,”
includes the amount of money or time that you spend with this
person or thing, how often you think about this person or thing,
and actions you currently take that support this person or thing.
It also includes anything you do that sabotages or hurts this
person or thing.

When filling out “The kinds of behavior that
would support this value” column, brainstorm anything you could do
that would support this person or thing. This might include
spending more time or money on this person or thing. It could mean
giving this person or thing more of your attention. It might
include taking steps to ensure the safety of the person or thing
you value.

Repeat this exercise for each of the top ten
things on your list. When you are finished, try to find any
discrepancies between the first and second columns. In what ways do
your actions support your values? In what ways do they conflict?
What do you need to work on? In which areas are you doing well?

Chapter 26
–
Self-Care

“I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally
learn that self-care

begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand
sustenance and

happiness from others.”

-Jennifer Louden

Good self-care is a critical part of our
healing process. It’s important that we make every effort to meet
our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs.

Unfortunately, we live in an imperfect world.
Sometimes we need to make compromises. When we can’t meet our needs
in exactly the way we’d like, we need to do the next best thing.
It’s not enough to say, “I can’t afford the hundred-dollar per
month membership at the gym of my choice, so I guess I can’t
exercise and be healthy.”

There are cheaper alternatives. How much
would it cost to buy an exercise bike or a punching bag? Hiking,
jogging, or doing pushups and sit-ups on a daily basis is not
outside anyone’s price range. Sometimes we need to meet our needs
in simpler, less expensive ways.

Low self-esteem can make it hard for us to
take good care of ourselves. We may begin to overlook or ignore the
most basic aspects of self-care.

The first type of need we may overlook is
physical. We may stop going to the doctor and getting regular
check-ups. We may stop eating healthy food or getting enough sleep.
Some of us lose interest in our appearance, get fewer haircuts, and
stop exercising.

We may turn to alcohol and drugs. Turning to
an addiction is the opposite of self-care. Addictions are
destructive to our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual
health. As our addictions get worse, so does our self-esteem. Our
bodies become ill. We develop stomach ulcers, heart disease,
bronchitis, or lung cancer. Taking care of ourselves physically
means working to overcome our addictions.

Some of us engage in risky sexual behavior or
have unprotected sex. This behavior can become very
self-destructive.

I know men who argue that wearing a condom
kills the enjoyment, but underneath that sentiment is often a part
of them that feels self-destructive. A part of them that doesn’t
care if they catch a sexually transmitted disease or spread it to
others. When people engage in risky sexual behavior, they are not
taking care of themselves physically.

The second type of need we may overlook is
emotional. As survivors of sexual abuse, it is incredibly important
to process our feelings on a regular basis. I try to spend time
working through my sexual abuse issues at least twice a week.

When we fail to process our emotions, we can
get stuck in resentment, anger, grief, and low self-esteem. It’s
important to release these toxic feelings on a regular basis by
experiencing them and allowing them to pass through us.

Sometimes we overlook our need for love,
either because we don’t love ourselves, or because we have a hard
time accepting love from others. If we believe that we do not
deserve to be loved, we may begin to isolate ourselves. The reality
is that we need healthy relationships to feel more connected. When
we have people in our lives who care about us, we feel supported,
nurtured, and validated.

Sometimes we break off healthy relationships
because we suffer from low self-esteem. We give up on relationships
and decide that it’s easier to just sit in our house, smoke
cigarettes, and watch television. While this behavior might make us
feel safe, we become increasingly depressed over time. Humans are
social animals. We need other people.

Another need we may overlook is our need to
have fun. When was the last time you engaged in your favorite
hobbies? What do you enjoy doing? A major symptom of depression is
giving up or decreasing hobbies or recreational activities. When we
feel depressed, we stop taking care of ourselves and stop doing the
things we enjoy. We begin to lose interest in life.

We should always remember to have fun. There
are times when we need to kick back and enjoy the moment. My
definition of the perfect hobby is something so fun and interesting
that I loose track of time.

Laughter is another important emotional
outlet. Some of us were taught to remain serious in every
situation. We may have grown up in families of addiction and abuse
where the atmosphere was dark and heavy. We need to give ourselves
permission to laugh. Funny movies, books, plays, and television
programs can help us clear our minds. Laughter is a great way to
relieve stress and tension. When we can laugh at ourselves, it
helps us to let go.

Sometimes we neglect our mental needs. Most
of us want to keep learning. It’s important to push ourselves to
discover new hobbies, activities, and interests. Taking college
classes, joining a discussion group, going to church, watching
informative programs, reading good literature, and engaging in
creative or artistic pursuits can help keep us interested and
engaged in life.

Sometimes we need to analyze our thinking.
What do we spend most of our time thinking about? Do our thoughts
tend to be negative or illogical? Do we tend to exaggerate our
problems or fail to appreciate the good things in life? If our
negativity is a frequent or long-term pattern, we may need to see a
doctor or psychiatrist to get a screening for depression.

What about our spiritual needs? Most of us
believe in the existence of a higher power in one form or another.
It’s important for us to nurture our spiritual connection. When we
feel angry or depressed about issues of sexual abuse, some of us
are tempted to blame God. Where was He/She when we needed Him/Her?
Having been sexually abuse makes it hard to trust God, have faith,
and believe that everything will work out in the end.

Sometimes we stop praying, going to church,
or talking to God. We harbor resentments and think that God didn’t
care. We believe that our abuse was some kind of divine
punishment.

Sometimes we don’t understand what it is that
God wants us to learn from the situations in our lives. In my own
experiences, I have found it easier to understand why things
happened the way they did when I look back on my past.

If we believe that God is real, we must work
to develop a stronger relationship with Him/Her. We must search for
meaning in life, because meaning is what feeds our soul.

This is only a partial list of our needs and
the ways we can take better care of ourselves. Everyone is
different, but the need for self-care is universal. I have included
my own list of self-care activities below, as well as the things I
do regularly to decrease my stress. These are only examples and I
encourage you to make your own list. Follow up on the things you
need to do to take care of yourself. You will feel better. Your
self-esteem will improve. This is a necessary part of your healing
process.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: Creating a Balanced Life

Things I have done to meet my needs:

1. Working

2. Getting Regular Dental And Health Care

3. Cleaning The House And Car

4. Getting Regular Haircuts

5. Getting Regular Massages

6. Playing With The Dog

7. Playing Piano

8. Calling Friends And Going Out

9. Going To Martial Arts Class

10. Going Hiking/Cycling

11. Engaging In Sports

12. Going To Church

13. Traveling

14. Volunteering

15. Furthering My Education

16. Deep Relaxation By Candle-Light

17. Dating

18. Dancing

19. Doing The Emotional Work In This Book

20. Acupuncture

21. Playing Computer Games

22. Watching Movies

23. Taking A Hot Tub/Bath

24. Getting Organized

25. Reading

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #2: Reducing Stress

Actions that reduce my stress:

1. Having A Routine

2. Working

3. Abstaining From Caffeine, Nicotine, And
Alcohol

4. Watching Or Listening To Comedy