Healing Tides (13 page)

He closed his fingers around hers, pressed gently.

“I’m aware that you think it’s wrong to want him to suffer, to pay for what he did. But that’s the way I feel.” He inhaled, swallowed and confessed. “Maybe because I’m as much to blame as him.”

“You aren’t to blame!”

“I killed his son.” Jared wouldn’t let her interrupt. “I didn’t mean to but it was my hand that made those incisions, my decision that he was fit to handle the operation. His death is on my conscience and there’s no denying that.”

“I’m going to say something I should have said long ago.” Sister drew herself erect in the bed. “You’re trying to escape, to find a way to explain God’s will. It won’t work. Jesus prayed ‘Not my will, but Yours’. You have to pray the same thing. You can’t change it, you can’t make it more palpable. All you can do is accept that God wanted it this way.”

With great difficulty Jared kept his lips clamped together.

“Until you surrender your will, your right to know, your right to get justice—until you hand that all to God and tell Him that whatever He decides will be fine by you, until then you will not find peace.”

There was nothing he could say so Jared wished her good-night and left, aware of the tears that tumbled down her cheeks when he turned his back.

“Is she all right?” Glory’s troubled gaze rested on the cottage.

“Yes.” He drove them to Agapé, carried in their piñatas and helped Glory stuff them.

They organized the children into groups and moved from ward to ward to allow each child to have a turn. The kids laughed and sang, teased each other and shared the candies and toys. Kahlia and Pono were in the thick of it, lending a helping hand here, a lap there, blissful grandparents to anyone who needed them.

Glory moved from one child to the next with a special touch, a word, a reminder. But it was Bennie she always returned to, it was him she spent the longest time with. And Jared knew she loved the boy every bit as much as any mother does her child.

A cold skitter of quiet snaked up Jared’s spine as Bennie flailed with the bat, trying to hit the piñata with one hand only because he couldn’t raise the other high enough. In that moment Glory looked at him with such pleading he had to look away to stop from making a promise he wouldn’t, couldn’t keep.

After a boisterous meal, the children learned puppeteers were coming. Wide-eyed, eager, they assembled on the patio. Those who couldn’t walk waited on the open balconies above. Glory dashed about for a blanket for this one, an extra pillow for that, determined each patient would not miss a moment. When she finally sank down on the ground, Bennie sat beside her.

Jared had no idea what the program was about. He only knew he had to get away, do something to quiet the inner trauma that taunted him. He tried studying her file but it only made him recall the shattered look on her face. Finally he closed up his office, left.

Since Potter was on call, Jared changed into his trunks and jogged down to the beach. The full moon lit the cove in a silvery glow. He swam until his lungs burned like fire and his body wilted with exhaustion. Finally he crawled out, wrapped his towel around his shoulders and huddled on a rock about four feet above the water.

A kaleidoscope of Glory-pictures flickered through his mind. He’d come here hoping to get his mind off Glory but it wasn’t working. Instead he saw her doubled up with laughter, teasing, in a fit of the giggles, empathizing, caring and silently weeping.

He couldn’t care about her. She was carefree, happy. She didn’t need someone like him weighing down her life. She would be gone in a few months, back to the Arctic.

She deserved children in her life, lots of them. She deserved a man who could give her her heart’s desire.

And that man would never be him.

Maybe it would be better if he left Agapé.

Left.
Jared studied stars flickering in the dark velvet sky as the idea mushroomed. He wouldn’t go right away, of course. He’d wait to make sure Viktor stayed behind bars, until Glory left. He’d tell Elizabeth he’d stay as long as it took to find a replacement. Then he’d leave the islands, find a place to practice medicine that was arm’s length, where the patients didn’t grab your heart and squeeze it every single day.

He’d do his job the best he could but he’d never expose himself to the pain he’d felt here.

A noise from below drew Jared’s attention. Glory stood at the edge of the water, testing its warmth with one toe. After a moment she tossed her towel aside and ran into the water’s embrace, laughing as the waves wrapped round her.

She paddled across the cove, twisting and turning in a private game that sent her diving beneath the surface then bursting back up like a sea nymph in search of treasure, golden hair streaming down her back.

Jared watched unabashed, an unseen spectator to her joy in the water, the moonlight, the ebb and flow of the world around them. After a while he couldn’t resist the opportunity to share this moment with her.

Soundlessly he stepped down off the rock and slid into the water, moving through it without splashing until he was behind her. Then he waited for her to spot him so she wouldn’t be frightened.

“Hello.” That all-inclusive smile beamed in a shaft of moonlight.

“Do you mind if I join you?”

“Not at all. This is too lovely to enjoy alone.” She stretched out on her back, pointed. “Do you know what that constellation is? I don’t recognize it.”

“The Southern Cross.”

“My father loved stargazing but he never showed me that one. It’s exquisite.”

She was far lovelier than any combination of stars, but Jared didn’t say that. Instead he swam along beside her, content to share her happiness.

“Thank you for finding the paddling pool. The kids enjoy splashing around in it.”

“No problem.”

“Really? How did you manage to get it in your car?”

“It was Nicholas’s pool, though he never used it much.”

“Oh. I’m—”

“He loved water. Took after me in that, I guess. Diana grew up here, so to her it was no big deal to have an ocean nearby. But I used to swim twice every day. Nicholas would beg to come in and sitting him in that paddling pool didn’t work.”

The words poured out, startling him. She was so easy to talk to.

“Aggressive like his daddy, hmm?” she teased.

“Spoiled rotten,” he agreed with a smile. “What we didn’t give in to, his grandparents did. We couldn’t seem to deny him anything.”

“Why should you?” Her hand brushed his chest as she turned on her side. “I’ve just realized I don’t know much about you. Where did you grow up?”

“Great Falls, Montana. My mother was a secretary to a lawyer.” He kept pace with her strokes. “She was big on education, wanted me to go to college, but I don’t think even she imagined I’d go to school for so long.”

“And your father?”

“Never knew him and she didn’t talk about him.”

“You didn’t ask?” Glory sounded puzzled.

“I tried a couple of times, but when I saw how sad it made her I decided I didn’t need to know. She died keeping her secret.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Thank you.” She’d spoken of her father, so he decided to probe. “What was your father like?”

“A cross between a lovable teddy bear and a taskmaster,” she told him quietly. “He didn’t like shirkers but he believed in enjoying life. He died after my first year in medical school.”

“Now I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring back sad memories.”

“Mostly they’re not.” She flapped her arms, rotating her prone body in a circle. “I thought at first that I’d die, too. I was alone, in debt, with no way to finish my training. That’s when Elizabeth showed up, offered to pay for it all. In exchange, I agreed to give her back six months. That’s why I’m here.”

“And when you’re finished you’ll go back up north.” Why did those words hurt?

“Yes. I have to.”

“Have to?”

“I promised my mother.”

Unsure of what to say next but not yet ready to leave, Jared floated beside her and tried to imagine Glory as the only child of missionaries. It took a while to notice she’d headed to shore.

He caught up in a few crawl strokes. “Going in?”

“I’m chilly. I brought a thermos of tea. You’re welcome to share if you want.”

“Thanks.” He retrieved his towel from his perch, laid it beside hers then sank down. Glory leaned away from him, squeezed out her hair, looped it to the top of her head and held it there with some kind of clip. Then she tugged on the terry dress she’d worn from her cottage, sat down beside him and reached for her bag.

“Much better.” Her chattering teeth gave lie to the words.

After twisting the top off a thermos, she filled the lid with steaming liquid. He caught the hint of mint when she passed it to him.

“You first.”

Jared had never particularly cared for tea, but now, sitting next to her, it seemed like ambrosia.

“Thank you.” He sipped twice then handed back the cup, knowing she needed the warmth to chase away her chills.

Glory cradled the cup in her hands, the steam caressing her face as she gazed out over the water.

“Sitting here like this, with the palms fluttering and the smell of plumeria on the wind, you’d never believe that somewhere in the world bombs are going off and children are starving, would you?”

“I guess we forget about that pretty easily.”

“May I ask you something?”

He studied her profile, the way her nose tilted just the slightest bit at the end, the angle of her chin jutting out to take whatever life handed her.

“I guess.”

“Do you ever wish you could hide out for a while?”

The hushed words surprised him. Was she unhappy here?

Immediately Jared chastised himself. He’d always assumed she was content, never once imagined she hid a secret desire to get away.

“Glory, I’m sure Elizabeth wouldn’t force you to stay.” A fist punched him in the gut. If she went—

When,
Jared reminded himself. When she went.

“I don’t want to leave!” She turned on him so fast the tea spattered her legs. Fortunately it had cooled somewhat and she could simply brush it away. “That isn’t what I meant at all.”

Relief washed through him. He struggled to remain impassive, thankful when she turned away to replace the lid on the thermos.

“I meant—” she nibbled on her bottom lip “—every so often don’t you wish you could stop the world and savor things? Like tonight. The sky, the moonlight, the peace. Even the dolphins.” She pointed out to sea.

The black forms surged and plunged then disappeared.

“Tonight’s a perfect diamond, soon lost in a string of fantastic jewels. You need time to appreciate it, to sit back and enjoy the preciousness of this moment before it gets buried among a whole lot of others. I’m so lucky to be here.” She hugged her arms around her drawn-up knees and sighed as if she’d been handed a crown.

Then she looked at him.

“Thank you for sharing this with me.”

Her green eyes drew him like a magnet, pulling him forward until his lips met hers.

Jared’s fingers angled her cheek so he could trail his lips over her feather-soft skin, breathe in her mint-scented breath then return for another taste of her lips.

Glory inched away, just enough to search his face for one infinitesimal moment before her hands lifted to loop around his neck and she returned his kiss, calling to the needy part of him he kept tucked away, protected.

Kissing her was like trying to hold a butterfly. Once moment she was there and he could almost put his arms around her, the next she was gone. She drew away and cupped his jaw in her palm, fingers grazing across his beard-roughened skin as she searched his face for answers.

“Why did you do that?”

Good question. He decided on honesty.

“Because you’re beautiful and I wanted to.”

After a long time had passed she nodded. Her hand dropped to her lap and she turned back to stare at the ocean. Once she shivered and he slung his arm around her shoulders, hugging her against his side, offering his warmth.

Glory remained beside him, silent until a shooting star arced across the sky and tumbled into the ocean. Then with a heavy sigh she straightened.

“Back to reality.”

Jared rose, offered his hand to help her up. She took it, held on even when she stood facing him.

“I wish you a wonderful future, Jared.” She curled her fingers around his, squeezed. “I wish you happiness and joy. But most of all I wish you peace.”

Then she gathered up her things and started walking up the hill toward her cottage. After a moment Jared caught up, matching her stride until they reached her front door.

“Good night,” she whispered. She tottered on tiptoe, brushed her lips against his then turned and walked inside. The door swished closed behind her.

And he was alone in the night.

Jared walked to his own place deep in thought. He sat out in his garden for ages, struggling to fathom what she’d meant by those words.

They’d sounded like farewell.

But Glory had almost four more months before she left Agapé.

So why did it seem as if she’d just left him?

“S
he doesn’t have long, does she?”

Elizabeth Wisdom stood outside Sister Phil’s cottage, her face streaked with tears.

“No.”

“Will she last until Easter?”

This was only the middle of March. Easter was weeks away.

Glory chose not to answer. Instead she folded one of the blue-veined hands into her own.

“You have to enjoy the time you have now,” she murmured. “She’s very weak but she insists on talking, so if you can just listen.”

“She’ll know I’m pandering to her.” Elizabeth’s weary smile flashed, followed by a sniff. “We always used to argue. Phil usually won. She looks so much worse than she did the last time I was here. I never expected it to happen so fast.”

“You’ve been here all night, you’re tired.” She waved to Kahlia, knowing the older woman had already made arrangements for Elizabeth to stay with them. “Go and rest now. I’ll stay with Sister Phil for a while.”

“You’ll call if—”

“Yes. Go on now.” She smiled as Kahlia enfolded Elizabeth in her loving arms and guided her to the waiting car. Inhaling a deep breath, she entered the small cottage, went directly to Sister’s bedside. “Hello.”

“Ah, Glory. I’m so glad to see you.” She reached up, touched Glory’s cheek. “You’re getting so thin, child. Whatever is wrong? Are you not well?”

“I’m fine.” She tried to make a joke of it. “I sunbathe and swim and eat fantastic food. Why wouldn’t I be well?’

“I can think of one reason. It’s Jared, isn’t it? He’s gone to Honolulu again, hasn’t he?”

Glory didn’t answer.

“I’d hoped he’d given up on his push for revenge.” She drooped back against her pillows, her face drawn, sad. “Ah, well, what’s the use of asking why.”

“I think it’s my fault,” Glory admitted.

“Yours?” Sister Phil’s frown deepened. “Tell me why you think this, my dear.”

“It’s Bennie.” Glory gulped. “He’s contracted an infection in the muscle. I—I blamed Jared for causing it.”

“Oh, dear.”

“I know it isn’t his fault, but if only he’d do the surgery—I’ve been studying the videos, I know it’s feasible.” She stared at the floor. “But it won’t be for much longer. Bennie’s forming keloids that are restricting muscle movement.”

“You could remove them?”

“Yes, but they’ll simply grow back. Jared’s procedure is the only method of grafting I know of that will return the use of his arm and contain the regrowth. But Bennie can’t wait forever, Sister.”

“You love him very much, don’t you?” Sister Phil’s stern face softened.

“I love Bennie so much. If I could, I’d do the operation myself, but—”

“Dear Glory, I was referring to Jared.”

“Jared?” She pretended confusion.

“You love him. I see it in your eyes. I hear it in your voice. That’s why his quest for justice hurts you so much.”

Glory sank onto a nearby chair, too weary and heartsick to pretend anymore.

“You should see him with little Maria, Sister. He becomes a different man. He’s gentle, tender. Nobody could protect her welfare better.”

“Is that why you’ve pulled away from him?”

“I see who he could be,” Glory admitted. “But I hate who he’ll become if he continues like this.”

“He cares for you, too, my dear.”

Glory didn’t want to upset Sister, so she pretended she hadn’t heard.

“Why must he keep pushing, letting the hate take over?”

“He’s trying to shape his world.” Sister reached out for her water glass.

Glory helped her sit up to drink. Then she eased the frail woman back onto the bed.

“Jared feels responsible for their deaths. Going after Viktor is his way of making sure no one else pays for his error.”

“But he didn’t make an error. At least I didn’t see one. And apparently neither did the medical review board because they exonerated him.”

“People can tell you the truth over and over, but if you’re convinced otherwise in your heart, you’ll never accept it. That’s where Jared is now. Only God can change his heart.” She smiled. “Are you still enjoying your stay here, Glory?”

“I love it here. It’s as if I’ve come home.”

“Perhaps you have.”

“Why do you think God brought me here, Sister?”

“Tell me what you think.”

“When Elizabeth first asked me I thought it was because He was giving me the opportunity to learn Jared’s procedure. You can’t imagine what a boon it would be to the patients up north.”

“You doubt that now?”

“Jared hasn’t done the procedure even once since I’ve been here. Basically I’m a sometimes pediatrician, often acting as a kind of recreational therapist.” She shook her head. “Don’t misunderstand, I love the work. I just thought it would be—more.”

“Why do you think God led you here?”

“I don’t know. Everything seems mixed up.”

“Because you love Jared.”

“But I can’t!” Glory tugged her hair free of its band and rubbed the aching spot. “When my six months are up I
will
go home, Sister. Now more than ever it’s urgent that I return.”

“Why now?”

“There is no doctor servicing Tiska,” she explained. “I had a letter last week. The visiting doctor quit, the regional doctor is ill. There is no medical treatment for my friends. They’ve pinned their hopes on me and I can’t disappoint them. I won’t.”

“And besides, you promised your mother.” Sister Phil sighed. “It is a difficult situation.”

Glory struggled to repress the surge of love she battled daily.

“I do care for Jared. But a relationship between us would never work.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s still in love with his wife. Because he’ll stay here and I’ll leave in three months. It’s impossible.”

“God specializes in the impossible, Glory. But something else plagues you.”

“What if I go back and I don’t enjoy it? What if I end up hating being there? Maybe I’ve been spoiled by all this sun and sea.”

Sister Phil’s croak of laughter brought the nurse running.

“I’m fine,” she reassured the stressed woman. “Focus on God, Glory.” She coughed into her lace-fringed handkerchief then fixed Glory with a stern look. “Now, what other lies has the Tempter been throwing at you?”

She was the doctor, the healer. She’d come to help Sister Phil, not to dump all her woes on a delicate sickly old woman. But Glory couldn’t stop.

“What if Bennie dies?” she whispered. “I think my heart would rip apart if that happened. How can I blame Jared for being so consumed with revenge when I don’t know that I wouldn’t be exactly the same?”

“You’re afraid to love?”

“I already love both of them. I’m afraid that letting them into my heart is going to cost me too much. I want to obey God. But I also want love, a family, a husband. Is that wrong?”

“Glory, God made you with a special place in your heart for love to fit. Of course it isn’t wrong.”

“Then why am I so conflicted?”

“Perhaps because you have to wait to understand what He would have you do. Just as Jared can’t comprehend why God would take Diana and Nicholas, you can’t see into the future and figure out what He has planned.”

“What do I do?”

“Talk to Him. You are His precious daughter. He will show you the way.”

Remorse gripped her as the parchment eyelids fluttered.

“I’ve kept you too long,” she whispered. “Rest now.”

“I’ll have plenty of time to rest soon.” But Sister closed her eyes anyway.

Glory pressed her lips against the alabaster forehead, then left, going back to the mission. At least there she could keep busy.

By the time the last case was safely dealt with Glory could barely stand.

“You and Dr. Xavier go rest,” she told Dr. Potter. “I’ll cover for a while. If I need you, I’ll page.”

“I intend to speak to Elizabeth about this, Glory.” Fredrick Potter was furious. “This is the third time this week we’ve had to cover for Jared. He’s the head man, he should be here, not off in Honolulu.”

“Please,” she begged. “Let me handle it.”

“We’re all tired, overworked. We need the other two doctors here. You’re covering twice your load and then some. If you get sick—” He shrugged. “Just talk to him. Soon.”

Though she ached to lie down, close her eyes and forget everything, Glory had to see Bennie. She knelt beside his bed, brushed his cheek.

“Good night, sweet boy,” she whispered.

“I didn’t say my prayers yet, Glory Mom. I thought you weren’t coming.”

“Of course I was coming. I just had to help some other kids.” She brushed her lips against the glossy walnut-toned head. “Is that my new name?”

“Uh-huh. ’Cause my other mom’s gone.”

Glory lost her voice, struggled with tears.

“Don’t you like your name, Glory Mom?”

“I love it, darling. You say your prayers now, while I’m listening.”

He folded his hands together as she’d shown him and began talking, his English still somewhat formal, even after the weeks he’d spent here.

“And God bless my Glory Mom. Amen.” He blinked his incredibly long lashes, waiting for her approval.

“That was a lovely prayer,” she told him. “Thank you.”

“Where is Dr. Jared?”

“Um, he’s busy, honey.”

“I didn’t see him the whole day. Is he mad at me?”

“Of course not, why do you ask that?” She pushed back the hair, unable to stop the love that spilled from her heart.

“He gets a mad face when he comes and looks at my shoulder. Today he yelled at the nurse and she didn’t do anything. He called me Nicholas. My name’s not Nicholas. My name is Bennie.”

“Of course that’s your name, darling. We all know that. Dr. Jared is worried about helping all the children, that’s all. Sometimes he gets the names mixed up.”

“But, Glory Mom, there is no Nicholas here. I asked the nice lady that reads the story. She said Nicholas is gone away.”

Oh, poor Kahlia. Glory’s heart clenched. She whispered a prayer for the grandmother.

“Yes, he is. But he’s very happy. You go to sleep now, sweetie. Tomorrow we’ve got so many things to do. Puzzles and games and maybe even a walk to see Pono’s flowers. Do you know I saw a hummingbird today?”

“I want to see one so I can draw it in my book.” Excitement dimmed to pain. “My fingers hurt a lot but I try to keep using them because you asked me to.”

“That’s very good, darling.” She buried her face in his hair until she could regain control. “You must go to sleep now, Bennie.”

“Okay.” He snuggled down into his pillow, squeezed his eyes shut—for about three seconds. Then his hand touched her face. “Glory Mom?”

“What is it, sweetie?”

“Is God ever going to make me better? I pray and pray but it doesn’t work.”

“God hears you, Bennie. But we have to be patient until He answers us.” Which was exactly what Sister Phil had told her.

“’Cause He’s got lots of other people to listen to, right?”

“That’s right. Go to sleep now. I love you, Bennie.”

“I love you, too.” He gave her one last tight hug then settled down. A few moments later his soft snores signaled he was asleep.

Glory moved through each ward, checking every bed to ensure not one of the precious children felt alone or abandoned. She ended, as she always did, in the infants ward. Maria was fussing as usual so she picked her up, moved to the rocking chair on the balcony and began to hum, something they’d learned settled the little girl immediately.

Glory wasn’t sure how long she’d been out there dreaming of one day rocking her own child, when strong arms lifted the precious girl from her arms.

“It’s time for you to go to bed, Glory.” Jared’s low voice murmured in her ear. “Come on, I’ll walk you there.”

“You’re back.” She yawned, rose. When his arm circled her waist, she didn’t try to regain her independence but leaned on him. “What time is it?”

“Late. Are you all right?” His hand rested against her cheek, cool and comforting.

“I’m fine.” She walked beside him down the stairs and out the door, shivering as the sea breeze grazed across her skin. “It’s cool tonight.”

“Not really.” He slung his jacket around her shoulders. “Glory, you feel awfully warm. Are you certain you’re all right?”

“Tired,” she mumbled, huddling into the warmth his body had left behind. She licked her dry lips. “And thirsty.”

“Get ready for bed. I’ll make you a hot drink.”

Surprised they’d reached her cottage so quickly, she didn’t bother to argue but went into her bedroom and changed into a nightgown. A ratty old bathrobe she’d brought from home and never used since arriving in Hawaii offered the perfect insulation. She wrapped it around herself and climbed into bed as Jared knocked on the door.

“Come in.” Her voice sounded like a frog’s. “Your jacket’s on the chair. Thanks.” She leaned back on the pillows with a sigh.

Jared carried a thermometer and made her take her temperature.

“I thought so. You’ve got a fever. Here, take these.” He held out two tablets.

Glory washed them down with the water he’d brought. In fact, she drank the whole glass. But now she felt colder.

“Thank you,” she whispered, trying to hide her rasping voice. “I’m going to sleep now. If you need me, call me.”

“We won’t need you, Glory. You rest now.”

“Okay.” She peeked at him when he tucked the covers around her chin. “Did you get what you wanted today?”

He shook his head.

“Sorry.” She yawned, turned her cheek against the pillow and let tiredness swamp her.

Jared didn’t say anything. Maybe he was mad at her.

Oh, well, she’d have to deal with it tomorrow.

Jared couldn’t stop staring at her.

Glory’s face bore a fine sheen of sweat, her cheeks two round dots of color. One hand was tucked beneath her ear and he wondered if it ached.

She’d picked up shift after shift, covered for him with any number of excuses. And she’d done it without complaint.

Eight cases, two critical. He should have been here.

Instead, he’d cooled his heels trying to meet with someone from the parole board, hoping to forestall their plan. They’d finally promised to hear him, but when?

As he sat in the small chair and waited for the tablets to take effect, Jared wished he could do as Glory begged and stop this insanity. But he felt as if he were on some kind of crazy roller coaster, attending meeting after fruitless meeting. On nights like tonight, while driving home in the dark, he’d almost convince himself to give up, to forget.