Heart Breaths (5 page)

“I don’t know if you can reach it, honey.”

“Where does it hurt?” she asked, frowning in confusion.

I pointed to my chest. “In my heart.”

Turning her head, she kissed the spot I had pointed at. “All better?”

I tightened my hands around her. Did Gabe realize how lucky he was to have her? “All better,” I agreed, dropping a kiss on her head.

We sat there quietly, watching the waves crash against the shore. “Noie, who are you at the beach with?” I asked.

“Grandma,” she said happily.

Lifting her off my lap, I stood up. “We should find Grandma before she gets scared that she lost you,” I said, reaching down to hold her little hand.

“Grandma’s not scared,” she said.

“Just in case.”

Walking around the sand dune, we moved toward the small crowd of sand castle builders. A woman with white hair was looking around frantically.

“I think Grandma got scared,” I said, looking down at Noie, who looked wholly unconcerned.

“Noelle Mendez, you can’t just run away like that,” she scolded, rushing toward us. Her eyes sharpened as she looked at me. “I’m sorry, I don’t know if we’ve met…”

“Maddie,” I said, sticking out my hand. “Noie has a habit of running off and coming to visit me.”

She looked down at Noie in surprise. “Sam told me about Noie’s new friend at the café, but I’ve never seen her like this with strangers.”

Everyone was saying that, which I didn’t understand in the slightest. I shrugged. “Grandma, Maddie’s my friend!” Noie said, tugging at her grandmother’s shorts. “My friend.”

I smiled.

“Lucy,” she introduced herself. “Thanks for finding her.”

“Well, she found me,” I said, nervous. “But no problem.”

She looked at me, thinking. “I heard you’re working for Evelyn now,” she said. I nodded.

Her eyes narrowed. “Hmm.” She looked at me again. “You coming to the barbeque tomorrow night?”

“Barbeque?” I asked, confused.

“Evelyn’s surprise birthday barbeque,” she said.

They were barbequing? At the end of February?

“This is the first I’ve heard of it,” I admitted.

“Well, then it’s a good thing I caught you,” she said. “Tomorrow night at my house at around seven. The blue house on Beach Road.” That was the house where I had first seen Noie and Gabe.

“I’ll try my best to make it.” Glancing down at my watch, I backed away. “I have to get back to work,” I said. “Nice to meet you.”

“Bye, Maddie!” called Noie. Waving at Noie, I turned and walked back toward the street, my breathing uneven again.

It was only a barbeque. I could do a barbeque. I’d go for fifteen minutes, say happy birthday, and leave.

Chapter · Six

Looking around at my measly wardrobe, I groaned. What was I supposed to wear to this barbeque?

“You look gorgeous in everything,” he said, reaching over to tug at my hair. “Just choose something, Mads.”

“But today is an important day, Rav,” I protested. “I can’t just wear anything.”

“So wear something important,” he teased. “Is Devi dressed?”

I nodded absently, staring back into my closet. “She picked out her clothing today. The pink tunic and her white leggings. She’s all ready to go,” I said. “I just have to decide on my outfit and we’ll go.”

Shaking my head to clear it, I grabbed a shirt and threw on a pair of shorts. There. Normal. Checking in the mirror one more time to make sure that I looked like a semi-functioning person instead of the emotional wreck I was, I grabbed my keys and left the apartment.

The party was in full swing by the time I got there, which was exactly what I hoped. Looking around for Grandma Evelyn, a hand covered my eyes and nearly jumped. “You came!” It was Sam.

“I did,” I said, smiling at her. “Do you know where the birthday girl is?”

“Holding court over there,” she said. “Go say happy birthday and then come back—I have people I have to introduce you to.”

Great.

Making my way toward where Grandma Evelyn was standing, I smiled at a few familiar faces from the café. “Maddie!” Grandma called, thrilled. “You knew?”

“Happy birthday!” I said, reaching over and hugging her. “You didn’t tell me,” I scolded. “I would have made you a cake and made the whole café sing for you.”

She burst into laughter. “Well, then, I’m happy I didn’t,” she said.

I raised an eyebrow. “Oh, please,” I scoffed fondly. “You would have loved it.”

“That I would,” she laughed. “Have you met everyone here?”

I shook my head as she started introducing everyone to me.

“Grandma Ev, you’re holding Maddie hostage,” called Sam as she walked by with a full tray of food. Grandma smiled, and shooed me toward Sam.

“Go meet her friends,” she said. “Hanging out with the oldies gets boring.”

“You’re not old.”

“Not old?” she asked, eyebrows raised. “I just turned sixty-five, honey. What does that make me, young?”

“Like a spring chicken,” I said.

“I knew I liked you for a reason,” she said, laughing. “Go.”

Ten more minutes, I told myself. Ten more minutes and then I’d make excuses and go. I looked around the crowded backyard. Gabe was standing with a bunch of what looked like college-age guys, looking more relaxed than I had ever seen him, laughing and drinking a beer. He was more dangerous this way, laid-back and cheerful.

I shrugged inwardly. I didn’t see anyone suffocating him in self-pity. Maybe Grandma Evelyn was a little delusional.

“Maddie!” I whirled around and watched Gabe cross the yard and walk toward me. He smiled, his face lighting up. I guess he wasn’t still pissed about the wife conversation. That was good.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” I answered, looking down at the ground. There was something about all of this that made me wildly uncomfortable. Like talking to him was somehow cheating on Ravi. Which made no sense.

Ravi wasn’t here anymore.

“How’s café-ing going?” he asked.

“So far so good,” I replied. “Why? Do I look like there’s something wrong with it?”

“Nah, just making polite conversation,” he said, unfazed at the fact that I was being kind of rude. “Also, Sam is looking for you, and she asked me to keep an eye out and point you in her direction if I saw you.” His eyes crinkled as he smiled. “Because I am a good brother. Well, she’s trying to train me into one.”

His smile was infectious, and for a moment, my nerves abated. “How’s that working out so far?”

He shrugged. “I have no idea.”

“Maddie!” Sam called. She jogged over to where Gabe and I were standing. “Gabe, I told you to point Maddie in my direction, not kidnap her.”

“It’s not kidnapping if it’s in front of everyone, is it?” he teased her.

She shrugged. “Details, details. Go drink beer and play with your friends.”

“Yes, dear,” he mocked, sketching a salute. “Enjoy yourself, Maddie.”

The chances of that happening were kind of small. “Thanks.”

I followed Sam across the yard to where a group of her friends were hanging out. “I have to introduce y’all to Maddie—she works in the café now.”

I plastered a smile on my face and grinned at the group of girls clustered near Sam, all who looked like they had just graduated high school. Sitting piled on top of each other, laughing and talking over each other, there was a freedom and happiness they had that I hadn’t had since I was fifteen, and God, I was jealous.

Soon I was sucked into their conversation, listening to them discuss some scandal with some guy named Harry and a girl named Ginger. When was the last time I had just hung out with people my age and talked about nothing? I couldn’t even remember. I wasn’t sure if I knew how to.

The sound of a little girl screaming jolted me out of my brooding. It was Noie.

“No, no, no, no!” I had never heard such terror in such a small little voice.

It was like everything was happening all over again. The shrieks of terror staggered me. Turning my head wildly, I scanned the backyard, looking for her. I saw her, looking up at a lady, screaming in terror. Not even thinking, I rushed over. “Noie, what happened?” I asked, looking at her frantically. She wasn’t hurt. She’d be okay. She would. But my heart wouldn’t slow down. She launched herself into my arms, burrowing into my neck and shaking.

“I was just saying hi to her,” the lady said, completely bewildered. “And she just started screaming.”

I looked down at Noie, still hiding in my neck and clinging as if her life depended on it. “She’s wary around strangers,” I said, echoing the words I had heard from Sam, Gabe, and their mom. “Don’t take it personally.”

There was being scared around strangers, and then there was this. This was sheer and utter terror. I rubbed Noie’s back, trying to calm her down.

She shook her head. “Well, I’m sorry if I scared her,” she said.

“Noie.” She lifted her head up, and looked at me, her little face tearstained. “Noie, honey, I think you scared the nice lady.”

“She scared me,” she whispered, burying her head back into my neck, her body still shaking with sobs.

“Noie!” Gabe came running over, a look of panic on his face. He tensed up when he saw her clinging to me. “What happened to her?”

I looked around the backyard nervously. Noie’s heart was still pounding, as was mine, and I could barely get my breath back. The last thing I wanted to deal with now was a whole scene, which looked like it was on the verge of happening.

“How about we go talk somewhere else?” I asked, tightening my hold on Noie.

Glancing at me and then at his daughter, he nodded abruptly. “Let’s go in,” he said, starting to walk toward the back door.

I followed him through the house and up a flight of stairs until we ended up in a bedroom. A guy’s bedroom, from the way it looked. His? “Sit,” he said, gesturing toward the bed.

Still holding Noie, I sat down at the edge of the bed, and felt the mattress sink a little as he sat down next to me.

“Okay, what happened?” he asked, watching Noie.

“I don’t even know,” I said, rubbing circles on her back, listening to her heartbeat slow. She was okay. It was all okay. I just had to keep telling myself that. “I was talking to Sam and her friends and I heard her screaming. Some lady was trying to talk to her and she freaked out, I guess.”

He reached over and rubbed her little back before dropping his head wearily into his hands. “Every time she does that,” he muttered. “God, at this rate, I’m going to keel over and die tomorrow.”

“Every time?” I asked, savoring the feel of Noie’s little body curled into mine.

“She doesn’t like strangers.”

I looked down at her, face still tear-stained in her sleep. “I’ve heard that a few times,” I said, “But I never really understood what you were talking about. Gabe, this isn’t not liking strangers. I don’t like strangers, and I don’t freak out like this.”

“She’s like that with everyone,” he said, raking his hand through his hair. “Everyone except my parents and Sam.” He looked at me. “And you.”

“Everyone?” I asked, not sure if I was ready to believe that. If I hadn’t seen her just have a panic attack, I would never have believed him.

He nodded. “Everyone. I don’t know what I’m going to do with her in September. She’s supposed to go to daycare, but I don’t know if she’ll be able to go.”

I looked down at Noie, sleeping peacefully. “Mama,” she murmured in her sleep, patting my arm. I froze.

She was sleeping, I told myself, on the verge of panic. Gabe’s face didn’t look nearly as terrified as I’m sure mine did. Handing her over to him, I stood up.

“I… I have to go,” I stammered.

Turning, I rushed down the stairs and out of the room.

Nobody had called me Mama in three years. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t. Fumbling with the keys, I managed to fit the right one into the lock and staggered up the stairs. Changing into workout clothing, I slipped on my sneakers and grabbed my iPod. Tying my hair up in a ponytail, I ran down the steps, locked the door, and started to run.

I was literally running away from my problems. God, I was such a cliché. But at that point, I didn’t care anymore. Turning up the volume on my iPod, I picked up the pace and tried to outrun my memories.

“You left the party early last night,” Grandma Evelyn said as she frosted a batch of cupcakes. “One minute you were there and the next you were gone.”

“I wasn’t feeling well,” I lied.

Her eyes sharpened in concern. “You okay now?” she asked.

I nodded. “Much better.”

“Well, good.” She looked at me, considering. “I saw you go over to Noie when she started screaming. Interesting how she’s not scared of you.”

“I don’t get it,” I said, knowing that it really wasn’t my business. “Why is she so scared of everyone?”

She shrugged. “I have no idea, honey,” she said. “I don’t think anyone does.”

I shook my head to clear it. Something about it all just didn’t feel right.

The phone rang, and I grabbed it, hoping to distract myself. “Good morning, Evelyn’s,” I answered.

“Maddie? It’s Lucy Mendez, Gabe and Sam’s mom?”

“Oh, hi Mrs. Mendez.”

“Oh, honey, I’m so glad it’s you. You’re in the café now? Of course you’re in the café now. Can I steal you for a few minutes? I have a question to ask you.”

“Sure,” I answered to the silent phone. She had hung up. I shrugged, and went back to the front counter.

“Maddie!” Mrs. Mendez called, bustling in a few minutes later. “I didn’t have a chance to see you last night at the party.”

Did she know about the whole incident?

She leaned forward. “Can I ask you for a favor?”

“Sure,” I answered.

“Gabe is going to be late again tonight—he’s finishing an important project at the firm, and it’s taking him a bit longer than expected. Normally we’d watch Noie, but Carlos is insistent on us going out.” She looked at me, and actually blushed. “We’ve had a standing date for almost thirty years, and he doesn’t want to break it. Normally I would ask Sam, but I feel bad—she does enough as is.”

I stood there, silent.

“It’s pretty much impossible to find a babysitter for Noie,” she continued. “But I saw what happened last night, and how she was okay with you. Usually I wouldn’t ask—I don’t know you that well, but Evelyn has nothing but wonderful things to say about you, and so does Sam. Would you mind watching Noie tonight for a bit?”

Would I mind watching Noie?

Could I do it? I didn’t know if I trusted myself anymore.

“Sure,” I heard myself saying.

Sure? Oh, Lord.

“Oh, thank you so much,” she said. Taking out a paper, she scribbled down an address. “This is Gabe’s apartment,” she said. “Is five good for you?”

My shift at the café was over at four thirty. “Five is fine,” I said.

“You are a lifesaver,” she said, and as quickly as she was there, she was gone again.

I sagged against the counter. Again. What had I gotten myself into?