Heartbeat (35 page)

“Of course he will. But that's the price he'll have to pay. And maybe he'll never come to his senses. And how can you say you betrayed him? Did you fool him? Did you get pregnant on purpose?”

“Absolutely not.” She looked insulted. And it was a question he had never asked her but always wondered. He wondered if that was why she felt so guilty. “I knew how strongly he felt about it and I was always careful.”

“I thought so.” He almost smiled, he loved her so much, and he hated their arguments, but at least there weren't many, and they were only on one subject. Steven. “But it doesn't hurt to ask. Go on. What do you want from him?” He really wanted to know, for his own sake, and for hers. They needed to face it.

“I just want him to acknowledge the baby. To admit that it's his, to deal with that fact. I think he's run away from it since the beginning. I want him to see it and say okay, I understand, it's mine but I really don't want it … or yes, it is, I was wrong, I love my baby. But I don't want him to run away from me forever, because I keep thinking he'll come back at some point, and be sorry, and want us back, and then he'll screw up my life, and the baby's, and yours and his own, and whatever I do, I'll always feel guilty. I need to feel free of him, completely, before I can really go on with my life, and in order to feel that, I need him to address the issue squarely or at least talk to me, and explain why he feels the way he does. He hasn't even had the decency to talk to me since he left the apartment.” It was the first time she had stated it so clearly and it finally made sense. She couldn't really believe he was gone for good and she wanted direct confirmation from him that he understood what he was giving up and that he really meant it. It made sense, but Bill didn't think she was going to get it. Steven wasn't that kind of person, and he had already shown her that, for five months and the night before. He was going to run away, divorce her through attorneys, and give up the baby without ever seeing it. That was the way he was, and she just had to face it.

“I don't think you're going to get anything more out of him than you've gotten. He just can't deal with it directly.”

“How do you know that?”

“Look at him last night. Is that a guy with guts who's going to confront you? He practically ran out the door, ten feet ahead of his girlfriend.”

“Is that what she was?” She looked intrigued and he looked annoyed.

“How the hell do I know?”

“She looked very young,” she said thoughtfully, and he groaned.

“So do you, because you are. So stop that, and what difference does it make anyway? The point is that you have to let go of him, Adrian. That's the real issue.”

“But what if he comes back later?” It was something that worried her a lot. She was sure he would come back into her life after she had the baby.

“You deal with it when it happens.”

“But the baby has a right …”

“I know, I know.” He slammed a fist on the kitchen table and she jumped. “The baby has a right to its natural father, right? I've heard it before. But what if his or her 'natural father' is an asshole? Then what? Wouldn't it be simpler to just let it go now?”

“What if Leslie had told you she wanted to leave you when she was drunk? Wouldn't you feel an obligation to see how she felt when she was sober?”

“Maybe. Why?”

“Because I think Steven has been drunk on fear since the days I told him I was pregnant. And as soon as he calms down, stops panicking, and sobers up, he's going to feel different.”

“Maybe not. Maybe he really does hate kids. Maybe you should listen to him. Maybe he means it.”

“I just want to know from him that he knows what he's doing.”

“Maybe he doesn't. Are you going to hold your life up forever?” More to the point, was she going to hold theirs up? But he also knew it wasn't easy just forgetting a man with whom she was having a baby, and to whom she had been married for two and a half years before she got pregnant.

“You think I'm stupid to give a damn, don't you?”

“No.” He sighed and sat back in his chair at the kitchen table. “I just think you're wasting your time. Just forget him.”

“I feel like I'm stealing something from him,” she explained, and caught his attention. “I'm taking his baby away from him, and giving it to you, because you want it. But what if he comes back and says, hey, that's mine, give it back to me …what then?” It was a good point, but Bill still didn't think he'd ever change his mind about her or the baby. He was a fool not to, but Bill sincerely believed that he wouldn't.

“You'll just have to wait and see. We're not going anywhere. We're not moving to Africa with the baby.” No, but they were getting more and more involved with each other, and he knew it. He already felt as though the child were his, and in some ways, he knew that Adrian was trying to protect him from getting hurt and Steven from making a mistake that he would regret forever. “You can't be responsible for everyone. Let each of us make our own decisions, and if they're lousy decisions, that still isn't your problem.” And then he beckoned to her, as he put aside his paper. “I love you … I want the baby …and if he comes back and changes his mind, we'll just have to face it. What's the worst that could happen anyway? He gets visiting rights? That's not so awful. We could live with that,” and then, as he looked at her, he felt a whisper of terror. “Or would you go back to him yourself?” he asked her, and held his breath as he waited for the answer. She shook her head, but there was the slightest hint of hesitation.

“I don't think so.”

He felt as though he was going to faint as she said it. “What do you mean, you don't
think
so?”

“I mean no. But it would depend on the circumstances … on a lot of things …Bill, I don't love him anymore, if that's what you're asking. I love you. But there's more than just us …there's the baby.”

“Would you go back to a man you didn't love, for the sake of his child?”

“I doubt it.” But she couldn't swear that she wouldn't.

He got up and left the table then, and it was a difficult few days until they both calmed down again. And finally, they made a truce, and spent the weekend in bed, talking and making love, and trying to explain their positions. She just wanted to be sure that Steven wasn't going to change his mind and want the baby. She thought he should at least see it when it was born. And Bill didn't like the idea, but he was willing to accept it. And after Steven's performance the night before, he considered it highly unlikely that he would come to see it.

“And after that, will you marry me?” he asked her seriously, and she beamed when he asked her.

“Yes, I will. If you still want me.” But she didn't want him to tell the boys they were getting married until all the details were out of the way, the termination papers, the divorce, and they were sure about Steven. Bill still felt it was a courtesy her ex-husband didn't deserve, but he was willing to indulge her. And he was thrilled to think that eventually they would be getting married. “Do you think the boys will mind?” she asked worriedly. She was starting to worry about everything, but the doctor had explained that at this stage, anxiety was to be expected. She was worried about the delivery, the labor, the pain, the baby's health, all the normal things that women worried about, and Bill also knew that the divorce was a strain on her, and so had been selling the apartment. And she had held up beautifully, but now she was starting to worry about little things. And he suspected that her obsession about being fair to Steven was part of the same process.

She was still tenser than usual when Adam and Tommy came. She was terrified that they were going to be upset about the baby. And she decided to be honest with them. They looked undeniably surprised when they saw her stomach when she and Bill picked them up at the airport.

“Wow!” Tommy said, looking awestruck. “What
happened?”

“Don't ask questions like that!” Adam scolded.

“I'm having a baby,” Adrian explained unnecessarily, that much was obvious, even to Tommy.

“Is it Daddy's?” he asked, and Adam kicked him.

“No, it's not,” she explained, once they were at home, drinking hot chocolate in the comfortable kitchen. “It's my husband's. But we're still getting divorced. In fact …” She was going to be totally up front with them, and Bill had already said that he would support her. “…that's why he left me. Because he didn't want a baby. So we're getting a divorce, and he's giving up all his rights to the baby.” She said it very simply and the boys looked shocked, particularly Adam.

“That's awful!”

“No, it's not,” Tommy said matter-of-factly. “If she weren't getting divorced, she wouldn't be with Daddy, and she wouldn't have been there to save me at Lake Tahoe last summer.”

“That's true,” Adrian laughed. They had a way of reducing it to practical basics.

“When's the baby coming?” Adam wanted to know.

“In January. In about seven weeks.”

“That's pretty soon.” Adam looked very sorry for her. “Where are you going to live? In your apartment?” But this time their father interrupted.

“No, right here, with us …with me.” He smiled. “We're going to put the baby in the guest room.” “Are you going to get married?” Tommy looked hopeful, and Adam didn't look as though he'd be averse to the situation either.

“Eventually,” Bill supplied. “But not for a while. We need to sort things out first.”

“Wow!” Tommy was visibly pleased, and Adam leaned over and hugged her. He was horrified by the story of her husband deserting her, and later he told his father that he thought he should marry her before she had the baby.

“I'll keep it in mind, son.” And then he answered him seriously. “I'd like to. But we have to wait for her divorce to be final.”

“When will that be?”

“Pretty soon. We'll let you know what's happening.” It seemed like a lot for them to absorb, but by the next morning, everyone was back to normal. The television was on, there was laundry everywhere, the boys were hopping all over the place, and Bill was making breakfast in the kitchen. It felt like one happy, normal family, and Tommy told her he hoped the baby was a boy, because girls were so dumb, but Adam only smiled and told her that whatever it was, they would love it. His gentleness made her cry, and she tidied the apartment up afterward when they went out for a while with their father. And when they came home, they brought her a huge bouquet of flowers.

She and Bill cooked Thanksgiving dinner for them, and it was a beautiful holiday for all of them. The only flaw in a perfect day was when Bill overheard her calling her mother.

“No, he's fine,” she had just said, “he had to go to London on business.” And then she saw Bill's face, and after she hung up, he cornered her in the kitchen. Their Thanksgiving dinner was over by then, and the boys were already asleep in their bedroom.

“What was that all about?” But he knew without her telling him. She was lying to her mother about Steven.

“There's no point in upsetting her. No one in my family has ever gotten divorced, and it's the holidays, for heaven's sake.”

“He's been gone for six months, Adrian. You've had plenty of time to tell her.” And then something else occurred to him. “Have you told her yet about the baby?” She shook her head, and he sat down in a chair and looked at her. “What kind of game are you playing? Why are you protecting him?”

“I'm not.” Tears filled her eyes again. “I just don't want to get into it with her. I didn't tell her at first because I thought he'd come back, and now it's so awkward, and I don't need the pressure. They always give me a hard time. I'll tell her later.” There were tears in her eyes and it was hard for her to make him understand how awkward things had always been with her family.

“When are you going to tell them? After our third child is born? Or at the baby's college graduation? Maybe you ought to give her a little hint sometime before that.”

“What do you expect me to say? I've never been close to her. I don't want to talk to her about it.”

“You could just tell her you're having a baby.”

“Why?” But even she knew it was a stupid question.

“What are you waiting for?” He looked her dead in the eye, and for once fear touched her heart. He looked hurt as well as angry. “Are you waiting for him to come back, so you can clean it all up for them?” He had hit a nerve and he knew it.

“Maybe I was at first …and now it's all so damned complicated. How can I ever begin to explain it?”

“You're going to have to eventually …” unless Steven came home …but he wasn't going to get into that again with her. “Look, it's your life. They're your parents. I just don't understand what you're doing.”

“Neither do I sometimes,” she admitted to him. “I'm sorry, Bill. Everything got so screwed up when he left, and I didn't tell anyone. I was too embarrassed to at first, and then it was too late, and now it's ridiculous. Hell, half the people at work still think I'm cheating on my husband.” She smiled at him, and he pulled her closer to him.

“You drive me crazy sometimes, but maybe that's why I love you.”

“And that's why Harry loves Helen, who was best friends with …”She started to laugh and he swatted her behind with the kitchen towel as he put the last dish away.

“Stop that! It's beginning to sound like the begats in the Bible.”

“I'm sorry, Bill …sometimes I make a real mess of things.”

“We'll get it all sorted out sooner or later.” He believed that they would, but he was beginning to hope that it would be sooner, rather than later.