Heartless (Keeping Secrets) (7 page)

He cupped my face and kissed me. I whimpered. I couldn’t suppress my sound of surrender if I tried. I wound my arms around his neck and climbed him like a jungle gym. For once, it wasn’t about the sex or the power; it was about two boys finding a little relief in a world where nothing worked out like the movies and happily ever after was for girls and fairy tales.

He pressed me down against his soft, clean comforter and kissed me harder. I wanted him so badly. I don’t think I had really ever desired anything like I desired him. I wanted him to cleanse me of all my faults and find a worthy person underneath.

He didn’t reach for my jeans, despite the fact I was obviously aching and so was he. I loved him a little more for that. We kissed for endless moments, and I was drowning in the sound, sight, taste, and touch of him. He broke his lips from mine to trail down my neck, and I just clung to him, loving him harder than I loved anything and wanting this moment to never end.

“Tommy,” I murmured his name over and over.

He nipped my skin. “Love you, Jason. Always have.” The words filled me, sank down into my soul, and took up residence there. It didn’t matter that it was sudden and we hardly knew one another anymore. We were young and falling in love with every touch. Words I thought I would never say shot out of my mouth.

“I love you too.” He lifted his head and smiled at me, a smile that warmed his gray eyes until they were a polished-mercury color. I knew deep down that I was ruined, but looking into his eyes, knowing that I’d put happiness in them, made me feel just a little bit more whole. It was then that I realized I had fallen irrevocably, unequivocally, and absolutely in love with Tommy Johnson, and there was no turning back.

I
WAS
still asleep in Tommy’s bed when I heard the front door slam. We’d made out for nearly an hour, rubbing along one another like eels until we’d reached the pinnacle in perfect unison despite the fact that we both still had our clothes on. His release had triggered my own, and it had been the best and worst orgasm of my life. The best because I’d finally thrown my heart into my body as I’d fallen, and the worst because I knew it could only get better and I could easily become addicted to the feel of Tommy against me. The possibility of vulnerability left me cold.

I’d fallen asleep with his warm breath ruffling the hair on the back of my neck, the firm grip of his arm as he had encircled my waist, and the hard press of his body against my back from head to foot. At some point he’d pulled a blanket over the two of us, and then I’d been out like a light.

My eyes didn’t want to open when I heard the noise of the door, but I’d forced them open anyways. I sat up and looked down at the sleeping boy beside me. He was beautiful when he slept. Maybe Mark and Charles would let me stay over sometime. I could get used to having him beside me.

I gently shook his shoulder. He blinked as he came awake, confusion crossing his face for a moment before realization and memory reminded him what we’d been doing. He looked up at me.

“Hi,” he said. I blushed; I knew it from the warmth that stole over my cheeks.

“Someone is here,” I said, glancing away with a small, embarrassed smile. He grunted and sat up beside me. It was really hard to resist the urge to bury my head against him. I’d left a small hickey on the side of his neck, and I was proud of it. It was my claim to him. He reached over me and fiddled with his cell phone until he got it open.

“That’s probably Danny. School’s out now.” He shut the phone and looked at me, then wrapped me up in his arms again. “What do you want to do?” I knew what he was asking, but I didn’t want to make the decision.

“Up to you.”

“I’ll tell him,” Tommy said after a moment of consideration.

I couldn’t help the question that slipped out before I could filter it. “Does this mean we’re dating?”

Tommy gave me a slow smile. “I hope so.” I was thrilled. I kissed him hard on the mouth because I didn’t trust that I could say something without sounding like an idiot.

“Drive me home?” I asked. I didn’t know where I was, really, so I couldn’t exactly walk. He nodded and kissed my cheek. We just couldn’t seem to get enough of doing that.

He ducked into the bathroom to change clothes as we heard footsteps walking up the stairs. After he was finished, he dug out an old shirt of his that I could throw on over my clothes to cover the stains that were clearly evident on my jeans. My wrists ached a little bit, but it was nothing that couldn’t be cured with some aspirin when I got home.

I got into his car, and he started the engine. He smiled at me before turning around to back out of his driveway. We drove in relative silence on the way to my place, with only my quiet directions to interrupt the cozy quality of just existing next to one another.

The drive was longer than I thought it would be, and we fell into conversations that were long overdue.

“So about when you came out…,” he began. “I’m sorry for calling you names.” He gripped the steering wheel. “I was just struggling with who I was, you know? I think I was more pissed that you were so, I don’t know, confident in it. I was just starting to realize that I was getting hard-ons for guys in the locker room at wrestling practice and here you were announcing to the world that you liked guys and everyone could just shove off. I envied that.”

I nodded in understanding. “I get it. A lot of people are like that, I think.” I paused. Should I tell him? Oh hell, I’d already broken my rules today. “I came out that day because of you.”

His eyes widened. “Me?”

“Yeah, you. I had been sketching your initials into my art book all year, and I’d finally had enough of trying to lie that they were actually a girl’s name who went to another school. Fifth period seemed perfect. I didn’t really even think that you wouldn’t be cool with it. I guess that was a little naive, but I thought if I told everyone in class that I could talk to you afterwards on the way to the pep rally,” I explained.

“But instead, me and my friends decided to jump you,” he finished for me. I nodded. Not my finest memory. “So when I came out freshman year, you were getting me back for more than just trying to beat you up, huh?”

“Yeah. Sorry about that. And, you know, about your mom.”

“Thanks,” he said tightly. We fell silent for another couple blocks, and he reached over and entwined our fingers.

“Hey, J?” Tommy asked as he turned onto my street. I could tell by the look on his face that he was gnawing on something. This wasn’t a great part of town, and the apartments I lived in looked like you’d need penicillin shots just to walk up the steps. It wasn’t the image I projected, so when people found out I lived here, it raised a few questions. Let’s just say rich folks throw away a lot of clothes, and Goodwill is my best friend.

“What is it?”

“Were you and Cade involved before?” The question hadn’t been what I was expecting. I hesitated.

“Depends on what you think ‘involved’ means. We fooled around occasionally.” I didn’t want to relive that happy episode of insanity. “I don’t know what happened. We had a good thing going on the side, but then he got a little nuts on me.” My wrists attested to that.

“It was just sex?” Tommy asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, it was just sex. Not like us.” I had to make that distinction. I had to make him understand that he was special to me.

He parked his car and leaned over to give me a kiss. I was grateful for the warmth of his lips on mine before he pulled back. “Okay.” He accepted the truth as what it was. “But, just so you know. I don’t want an open relationship or whatever. If you’re my boyfriend, you’re mine and mine alone. Got it?”

I got it. I got out and waved after I got my backpack out of the trunk. I knew I was smiling like a fool. I needed to call Kevin and tell him the news. He probably wouldn’t believe I was serious, but whatever. The world could have ended right that instant and I wouldn’t have cared.

Chapter Seven

I
NEVITABLY
, the world would come crashing down. It always did. It was Newton’s law or something like that.

“Hey, baby,” Jonathan said as I walked through the door. I froze midstride. I’d been so happy about Tommy that I’d forgotten about Jonathan. Which was a load of stupidity on my part. It didn’t pay to forget about your enemies. “You’re home early.” It was amazing how I went from wonderful to depressed as hell in about five seconds.

I swallowed. “Leave me alone, Jonathan.” It was the first time I think I ever said that to him. The smirk on his face was instantly replaced by irritation.

“What crawled up your ass?” He pushed his bulk off the couch and walked toward me. I took a step back.

“I’m not in the mood,” I said. I threw my backpack down beside the door and went to sidestep him. We did a dance as he met me. I looked up, glared. “What?”

“You don’t get to tell me that you’re not in the mood, boy. Do you hear me?” Jonathan asked. His voice was flat and cold and held a world of hurt if I pushed it. I’d had enough. I was sick of being scared of him. Maybe it was realizing that I wasn’t worthless. Maybe it was falling in love. Maybe it was really my stupid teenage hormones that made me do it. Whatever it was had me lifting my chin and snarling back in his face.

“Fuck you, Jonathan!” I shouted. I heard the shuffling sound from the hallway. Ah, so Mom was home after all. My attention turned to her as she put a hand on the wood-paneled wall.

“What’s with all the shouting? Honey, what is going on?” she asked. Her eyes said she already knew. Had always known. She’d looked the other way too many times not to be either brain-dead or immune to my suffering.

I pointed to Jonathan. “If your fucking husband touches me again, I’m going to the cops. If you want to lie there and take it like a bitch, that’s your prerogative, but I’m not doing it anymore.” I didn’t see him coming. Seriously. I was that big of a dumbass. He shoved me back, hard. I stumbled and fell on my ass, which made Tommy’s shirt ride up, which exposed the stains on my pants.

“So that’s what this is about? You found some high school twink to fuck you?” Jonathan’s voice ended in a shout. I saw what before had been anger had now morphed into something much more deadly for me. He leaned down and grabbed me by the shirt, hauling me off the floor. “You think just because you’ve got a boyfriend you can quit me, boy?”

“Don’t touch me!” I yelled. “Don’t fucking touch me!” Hate fueled me. It became sludge in my veins, air in my lungs, and fury in my limbs. I flailed like I was a fish on a line, struggling for my life.

“Jon, baby, put him down. You’ll hurt him.” My mother added her voice to the fire as I burned out of control.

“Go back to bed, Linda. Just go the fuck back to bed. Let me handle him.” I knew exactly how he was going to “handle” me if I didn’t get out of here. He threw me into a wall, and I came up swinging. Something broke, probably a lamp. I didn’t care. We were brawling, and I knew I didn’t have a hope of winning. I was desperate, angry, beyond caring.

He wrapped his hands around my throat, cutting off my air supply. I struggled. Lights and bubbles of color danced before my eyes. I sagged limply as the strength in my limbs gave out. I wasn’t unconscious. No, that would’ve made my life simpler. I was just exhausted and too weak to move as I struggled to fill my oxygen-deprived body with air.

Jonathan scooped me up and barked at my mother. “Go to Wanda’s house, Linda.” He knew she shouldn’t drive. Her condition made it impossible to get a driver’s license.

“But, Jon—”

“Now, Linda!” he shouted. As always, she shuffled to obey him, shooting me a last desperate glance before grabbing the keys and stepping out the door. I hated her then. Jonathan looked down at me as I glared up at him. “We’ll see if that fucking twink has anything on me. Won’t we, baby?” He went into their bedroom and kicked the door shut behind us.

“
H
EY
, Jason,” Kev greeted as he sat beside me on the brick wall that led into B building. He frowned as I managed a nod but little else. I knew I wasn’t acting right. I just couldn’t muster up my normal carefree mask today. I should’ve stayed home, but that would’ve meant that I’d have to stay with
him
. Mom hadn’t come home the night before. Big surprise.

I’d had to sleep beside that monster and try to remind myself how stabbing him multiple times would only get me arrested or thrown into foster care. Either option seemed like hell to me. I’d even called in sick the rest of the week at work because I couldn’t even handle the idea of being there. I was probably going to get fired. I didn’t give a shit.

“What happened?” Kevin demanded. I shook my head and burrowed deeper in my hoodie.

“Leave me alone,” I said. I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t want to think. Nothing could get worse. Then it did.

“Jason?” Cade asked, walking up to us. I raised my eyes to look at him. His mug was fucked-up from where Tommy had punched him multiple times, but it wasn’t as bad as I had thought it would be. It certainly wasn’t as bad as the bruises I was carrying. I was careful to keep my wrists covered by my jacket. I would be sporting it the rest of the day. Jonathan hadn’t left any that couldn’t be covered by clothes, but he’d left more than a few. My wrists were ugly blue and green, courtesy of Cade.

“What do you want?” I asked in a bored voice.

“I wanted to say I was sorry about yesterday. God, I really have no idea what got into me. I’m really, really sorry.” Cade seemed contrite enough, but I was feeling like a prick.

“Yeah. Okay.” I rolled my eyes and hopped off the stone wall. I winced as I stepped wrong and pain shot up my right thigh.

“I mean it. I know you probably won’t talk to me anymore, but I had to say that,” Cade pressed, following me as I walked. I scooped up my backpack and slung it over my shoulder. I wasn’t in the mood for school. Maybe I’d go hang out in the park or something. I took off toward the parking lot. It was still before first bell. If I hurried, I could make it off campus before they started checking passes. I completely missed the fact that Kevin had been walking with us and was listening closely to our conversation.