Heaven and Hell (23 page)

He shut up but he did this by kissing me
again, longer, deeper, sweeter.

Yeah, I liked that a lot.

He released my mouth but kissed my nose.

Oh. Wow.

He’d never done that before.

That was sweet too.

Very sweet.

Then something occurred to me and I
whispered, “I have to go clean up.”

“Yeah,” he murmured, touched his mouth to
mine and rolled off.

I rolled the other way, got up, tagged my
panties from the floor then went to the bathroom and did my
thing.

I was washing my hands and looking in the
mirror when it hit me Sam always put on a condom. Always, no matter
how heated it got and, so far, each time, it got seriously
heated.

And he clearly didn’t just now.

This was not a big deal. I was on the
pill.

But Sam was so careful he was probably
concerned I wasn’t and was too much of a gentleman to ask.

I needed to set his mind at ease.

I wandered into the room to the mascara wand
and tube I’d dropped, I retrieved them, inspected the wand, all
seemed well then I slid the wand into the tube, turned to the
mirror and went back to swiping.

I did this while, hopefully casually,
noting, “You should know, honey, I’m on the pill.”

My eyes flicked to Sam reflected in the
mirror, reclining on his side, elbow in the bed, head in his hand,
eyes on me and I saw and heard him mutter, “Good.”

Right.

That was done.

Not hard at all.

I could do this, be in a healthy
relationship, communicate, move on.

Easy.

I swiped the brush against the edges of my
lashes. Three times one side. Three times the other.

Except for gloss makeup done.

I was screwing the wand into the tube and
had moved to my cosmetics case to drop it in when Sam said, “Unless
you’ve had one, we’ll find a clinic, here or Crete, get you a
test.”

I dropped the mascara in my bag and dug for
my pink lip gloss that would go great with my dress while asking,
“A test?”

“AIDS, other STDs.”

I froze. Then I blinked at my bag. Then,
woodenly, I straightened and turned to him.

“What?”

“AIDS and other STDs,” he repeated. “You
already had one?”

Numbly, I shook my head.

Sam kept talking. “We’ll get you one. Make
sure you’re clean. Then, since you’re on the pill, we can lose the
condoms. Shouldn’t have done that just now, you in that dress,
outta my hands. Won’t do it again until we’re sure you’re
clean.”

I was…
clean?

I didn’t know what to say.

But I knew what to feel.

Unclean.

I turned back to my cosmetics bag and
blindly dug for my lip gloss. It was blindly because my eyes had
filled with tears so I couldn’t see a freaking thing.

“Kia?” Sam called.

“Mm-hmm,” I answered but even my mumble
sounded thick.

“Baby?”

I swallowed then answered, “Yeah?”

That sounded thick too.

I blinked to clear my eyes and my fingers
had just found the lip gloss when Sam’s hand closed around my other
one and he wrapped both our arms around my belly.

Then softly in my ear he said, “Your dead
husband stepped out on you. It’s fucked but it doesn’t negate the
fact that I’m fuckin’ you but I’m also fuckin’ whoever he fucked. I
gotta be careful and
you
gotta make sure you’re safe.”

“Right,” I whispered, cleared my throat
because my voice sounded croaky and then I requested, “Could you,
uh… let me go? I need to finish getting ready.”

“Kia –”

“Just lip gloss, jewelry then my shoes and
then I really need to get something to eat.”

“Kia –”

My hand holding the gloss pushed at his arm
as my hand held in his tried to twist free even as I leaned away
from him and assured, “I’ll be ready in two minutes tops.”

He pulled the gloss out of my hand, tossed
it back in the bag then captured mine and he wrapped both arms
around me.

I went solid.

His mouth went back to my ear and he
deduced, “You hadn’t thought about that.”

I hadn’t.

No.

I already felt unclean enough at the hands
of Cooter.

The thought of that, the thought that that
was what was in Sam’s mind every time he made love to me, enough to
remember to protect himself from me, made me feel filthy.

Of course, he was only being smart.

That didn’t make me feel any less
contaminated.

I didn’t reply.

I listened and felt as Sam drew in a deep
breath, his chest expanding against my back then I listened to his
long sigh.

Then he said, “I fucked up.”

Yes. He did.

He could have handled that subject with a
lot more care.

He didn’t.

Whatever.

Onward.

“Really, let me just –”

He let my hands go, turned me to face him
then his arms closed around me tight.

I lifted my hands to his biceps, put on
pressure and I tipped my head back to look at him.

“Sam, really, it’s lunchtime. We slept
through breakfast. I’m hungry.”

“I should have felt you out, been more
aware.”

Yes. He should have.

He didn’t.

Onward!

“It’s okay. Now –”

“It isn’t.”

I snapped my mouth shut and glared up at
him.

His eyes moved over my face and he
whispered, “I’m sorry, baby.”

I nodded. “Like I said, it’s okay. Now,
really, I’ve had some coffee in the room but I have to have some
food.”

He stared at me.

Then he noted, “You’re pissed.”

I wasn’t.

I was
unclean.

“No, I’m not.”

“You’ve got a right to be pissed,
honey.”

“Do I have to be hungry while I’m pissed?” I
asked, his eyes studied my face again then he slowly shook his
head. “Good, then can I put on lip gloss and shoes so I can go get
something to eat?”

“Yeah,” he answered but didn’t let me
go.

“Uh… are you gonna let me go so I can do
those things?”

His eyes studied my face yet again.

I sought patience.

Then he said quietly, “Yeah.”

Then he let me go.

I retrieved the gloss, walked to the mirror,
put it on and, considering that our abbreviated conversation about
Luci intimated that I would imminently be shopping with her, and my
few times spent with Luci indicated she was a fashionista, as she
would be, of the tallest order, I added dangly, spiky earrings, a
couple of thick, jingly bracelets and a long, thin-chained necklace
with a jingly, spiky pendant at the end. Then I unearthed my bronze
sandals, sat on the bed and strapped them on.

Sam had seen them before but… whatever.

He was a man. He didn’t care about shopping;
he probably didn’t care about shoes.

Once they were on, I got up, went to my
purse, hooked the strap on my shoulder and looked to him.

He was standing where I left him except now
his arms were crossed on his chest, his legs were planted slightly
apart and he looked like a gladiator who was in the ring, they just
let in the lion, it was weak, sickly thus easily defeated and he
was disappointed with the challenge.

“Aren’t you hungry?” I asked.

He held my eyes a moment then answered,
“Yeah.”

“Then let’s go.”

He held my eyes another moment.

Then he jerked up his chin, uncrossed his
arms and swung one hand to the door.

Then we went.

* * * * *

I flipped my phone shut, slid it in my purse
and then picked up my piece of bread, muttering, “Celeste and
Thomas are good to have dinner with us tonight. Thanks for
that.”

Then I took a big bite of bread, trained my
eyes on the view of the lake and chewed.

Sam had no reply.

I put the bread down, picked up my fork and
stabbed at my salad, saying, “Maybe, when Luci gets here, we’ll ask
her and she’ll want to join us. Would that be okay with you?”

Sam again made no reply.

Since I asked him a direct question, I
turned my head to him then stopped dead at what I saw.

He wasn’t eating. He was sitting back in his
chair, forearms on the arms of the chair, hands dangling, eyes on
me, face hard.

I’d never seen him look like that, ever. I’d
seen him pissed. I’d even seen him angry.

But I’d never seen him like that.

“Sam?” I whispered.

“Yeah Kia, remember me?”

I blinked, set my fork down and straightened
away from my food.

“Sorry?”

“Just to remind you, sweetheart, I’m the man
who fucked you four times last night, twice today.”

Oh my God.

Did he just say that?

My eyes darted side to side at the busy
tables around us then I leaned into him and hissed, “What on
earth?”

“Good question,” he returned.

“What?”

“Not likin’ the wall, Kia.”

I felt my brows snap together and I
repeated, “What?”

He leaned into me and it took everything I
had not to rear back at the look on his face and he clipped, “Think
I explained last night and I did it, incidentally, after I fucked
you during which you came twice, somethin’ by your reaction at the
time and after, he never gave you, Kia, my guess, not once, further
evidence of what I explained last night and that is I am
not
that asshole.”

“I know that,” I snapped.

“You fuckin’ do not,” he shot back. “I
fucked up earlier, pissed you off, maybe hurt you, I don’t know if
it’s one, the other or both and I don’t know because you slammed up
the wall to hold me back so I have no clue. What I do know is, you
aren’t talkin’ about it to me, workin’ it out with me. I also know
you’re sittin’ next to me but you’re so far away, I can’t reach
you.”

“Sam, I said it was okay,” I reminded
him.

“You lied.”

I sucked in breath and sat back.

Sam’s hand darted out, caught me behind the
neck, pulled me back to him and I sucked in another breath, this
one a whole lot different and I watched his eyes flare
dangerously.

“Oh no, fuck no,” he whispered angrily.
“First, do not pull away from me when we’re talkin’, especially
when it’s about something important and second, again, do not
fuckin’ mistake me for him. I’m not gonna hurt you, I want
to
talk to you.
”

“Maybe you can do it without getting
physical,” I suggested acidly and went on just as acidly, “Or
without being a jerk.”

“Yeah? I asked earlier and you shut me down.
Walked here with you, ordered, got served, started eatin’ and you
shut me out. So I’m tryin’ other options to see if I can break
through.”

My heart was beating wildly but right then
my throat clogged with fear and this was not fear of Sam but a
sudden, overpowering fear I was fucking up.

“I’m new to this, Sam,” I whispered. “To
something being…” I paused to find a word then finished,
“healthy.”

“Yeah? Well, let me clue you in, sweetheart.
Shit happens, we talk it out. You do not
shut
me out.”

I stared into his glittering, no less angry
eyes.

And there it was. I was fucking up.

“
Buongiorno!
” We heard called and I
tore my eyes from Sam who dropped his hand from my neck and I
watched Luci approach, she was fiddling with her purse, head down
and talking. “I know I’m early but I’m also hungry and I like this
restaurant. I’ll get some pasta, eat quickly and then,” she looked
up, “shopping!”

Then she stopped dead and stared at us, her
lips parting and her eyes darting between us.

Clearly, neither Sam nor I were doing a good
job hiding the fact that she’d interrupted an intense
conversation.

Then she muttered, “But, I think, I must go
and…” she looked around her, “do something first. I’ll be back in
–”

“No, that’s okay,” I said quickly, suddenly
finding my body pushing back my chair. “Sit. Eat. I, um… we’ll…” I
stopped talking, eyes glued to Luci, I surged up, panic controlling
my movements, I grabbed my purse and whispered, “I suddenly don’t
feel so well. I need to go back to the hotel and lie down. Enjoy
shopping.”

Then I took off, dashing through the tables
like the fraught heroine in a romantic comedy.

Enjoy shopping?

Ohmigod!

I was a nut. I was an idiot. I was a
loser.

And I totally could not do this with
Sam.

I wasn’t going to bore him away.

I was going to annoy him away.

God, he was so
pissed.

And he couldn’t have sex with me without
wearing a condom in case he
caught something from me.

Something
Cooter
might have given
me.

Before last night, I had one lover and
still, he’d tainted me.

And if the tests didn’t come back clean…

I closed my eyes and nearly ran up the
sidewalk, going as fast as my sandals would take me, my breath
coming heavy and not from rushing, from holding back emotion. I
didn’t know whether to cry, scream or find something to throw
because I was so
fucking
angry.

At myself.

But especially at Cooter.

I slid through the doors to the hotel, raced
up the stairs, pulling my key out of my bag as I went.

I was standing at my door, making my second
attempt to slide the key in the lock when an iron arm clamped
around me.

I choked back my surprised cry, twisted my
neck and looked up to see Sam’s hard jaw, a muscle ticking in his
cheek, the key was pulled from my hand, Sam inserted it and then we
were in my room.

I tried to escape, pulling free from his arm
but he caught me, twisting me on the way back so the front of my
body hit his, his arm went back around me tight but his other hand
slid into my hair, holding my head steady so I was right there when
his face got in mine.