Heaven's Queen (12 page)

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, finally switching back to Universal as he hurriedly wrapped a cold pack bandage around my neck. “I’m sorry. I’m so so so sorry, Devi. Hold on. I don’t—”

“Rupert,” I croaked out, reaching up to grab his jaw with my hand, forcing him to stop and look at me. “Shut up.”

It wasn’t the most eloquent sentiment, but my throat hurt so badly I couldn’t get out anything better. Even those few words had brought tears to my eyes, but I couldn’t bear to see Rupert so upset, especially since I was fine. Well, not fine exactly since my neck hurt like a bitch, but I wasn’t at death’s door by any stretch, which was what you’d have thought given how Rupert was acting.

Fortunately, the words did the trick. Rupert’s babbling cut off like a switch. From then on he worked in silence, swaddling my neck in the icy comfort of the cold pack bandage before injecting me with a painkiller followed by something to bring down the swelling.

The painkiller didn’t do shit for me, of course, but the anti-swelling agent worked like a charm. The pressure in my neck began to go down almost immediately, and a few minutes later I was able to breathe more or less normally. “Thank you,” I said, sitting up in his lap. “Now, what the hell was that?”

Rupert didn’t answer. When I glanced up to see why, he wasn’t looking at me. Instead, his head was lowered, his face buried in the tangled mess of my hair. Pressed against him as I was, I could feel his body like metal beneath me.

That made me pause. Hugging Rupert had always been a bit like hugging a rock, but this was different. There was no give in his muscles at all, like his whole body was tensed to bolt. He was like a fist clenched tight, but it wasn’t until he started to pull away that I realized what was really going on.

“Oh no you don’t,” I said, leaning back until he had no choice but to face me. Rupert’s face was blank when it came into view, but I wasn’t fooled for a second. “Don’t you dare shut me out,” I snapped, pointing my finger right at his nose. “We had a deal. No secrets. Now tell me what happened.”

I knew Rupert was really upset because his calm mask crumbled almost instantly, giving way to a look that was caught somewhere between terror and pleading. “I’m not sure I can.”

“Try me,” I said with a coaxing smile.

Rupert sighed and closed his eyes. “It’s the symbiont,” he said softly. “It’s more than just nightmares. The symbiont is another entity that shares your mind.”

“Does it talk to you or something?”

He shook his head. “It’s not … intelligent. Symbionts were originally created by the xith’cal to empower their warriors. Republic scientists stole the technique over a century ago, but even once they’d adapted the implant to work in humans, it still had xith’cal instincts inside it. Specifically, the host body inherits the xith’cal bloodlust.”

Anthony had said something to that effect. He’d also said something about symbionts eating people, but Rupert wasn’t finished.

“Normally the bloodlust is kept in check by the tribe leader,” Rupert said. “But symbionts aren’t part of a tribe, so we have to control it on our own. Those who can’t learn to control the will to kill are put down.”

“But you can control it, clearly,” I said. “So what went wrong?”

Rupert bit his lip, thinking. “Controlling the symbiont isn’t like controlling your muscles,” he said at last. “It’s more like keeping a mad dog on a leash. So long as your hold is good, everything stays under control. But if your grip slips, the dog gets free and runs wild.” He reached up to run a hand over his face, rubbing his eyes. “I’ve held mine for so long it’s second nature. I haven’t lost control since the very beginning, but I can’t hold on when I’m asleep.”

“I get it,” I said. “That’s why you locked yourself in, so your symbiont wouldn’t go joyriding while you were asleep.” I glared at him. “You know, I wish you’d just told me this earlier. If I’d had some warning your alien was going to go nuts, I would have lashed you down and waited in my suit.”

“I still haven’t told you everything,” he said quietly.

I motioned for him to go ahead, but Rupert seemed to have run out of steam. He just sat there, avoiding my eyes, and I got the sinking feeling that this was going to be bad.

“I told you the symbiont isn’t intelligent,” he said at last. “But it does have a will of sorts. It wants to kill, and it gets frustrated when it can’t. That anger gets reflected back on its host, and if the host keeps refusing to give up control, the symbiont begins to hate.”

I grimaced. “I guess yours must hate you a lot, then?”

Rupert closed his eyes. “Yes,” he said quietly. “It hates me very much. But it wasn’t a problem until recently, because I never gave it an opening. Now, however, the situation has changed.”

My sinking feeling got worse. “Changed how?”

“The symbiont is part of me,” Rupert said, lifting his eyes to mine at last. “It knows what I know. That’s why it’s so dangerous for people with symbionts to get attached. It gives the symbiont a target, a way to hurt their host and take out their hatred. I thought if I locked the door, you’d be safe. The symbiont isn’t supposed to be able to operate complex systems like code locks. But I underestimated it, and you paid the price.” He closed his eyes. “It could have killed you. It could have ripped you to pieces and I wouldn’t even have known until I woke up and saw—”

“Stop,” I said sharply, making his eyes pop open again. “Stop right there and listen. I don’t care what
could
have happened. It didn’t, and this wasn’t your fault.”

“It was,” Rupert said, eyes narrowing. “Whose handprint do you think that is?”

I set my jaw stubbornly. “I refuse to hold you accountable for things your symbiont did while you were asleep.”

“It doesn’t matter. I
am
accountable!” Rupert said, his voice rising. He stopped after that, like his anger surprised him, and took a deep breath. “Caldswell was right,” he said, calmly now. “No matter how good you think your control is, it always ends the same way.”

“Don’t you dare bring Caldswell into this,” I growled. “He has nothing to do with it.”

“He does,” Rupert said, leaning back to give me an appraising look. “Did Brenton tell you how Caldswell lost his position as head of the Eyes?”

I shook my head.

“It was his symbiont,” Rupert said. “He put off the implantation as long as possible, but in the end he had to get one to survive Maat’s rages. Despite his worries, he adapted very well, making one of the best transitions on record, and he used this to argue that he should be allowed to continue visiting his family.”

I blinked. “Wait, Caldswell has a family? Why couldn’t he visit them?”

“A wife and a daughter,” Rupert said. “And he couldn’t visit them because Terran military law prohibits symbionts from having relationships with nonsymbionts for reasons you now understand. But Caldswell refused to give up. His control was the best around, he said, and he was the commander. No one wanted to argue with him, so he went home as soon as they released him from observation.”

As Rupert spoke, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I could guess where this was going, but I didn’t stop Rupert from telling me.

“Caldswell loved his wife and daughter deeply,” he said quietly. “He told them the risks, locked himself away whenever he needed to sleep during his visits home, and for a year, everything was fine. Then, one night, there was a power outage at his farm. The blackout caused the two maglocks on his door to malfunction, leaving only the dead bolt. His symbiont kicked out the lock and murdered his family before Caldswell could wake up. When he opened his eyes at last, he was eating his wife’s arm.”

I pressed a hand to my mouth, fighting not to gag. I’d known something awful must have happened to make Caldswell so bitter, but the truth was even worse than I could have imagined. “What happened after that?” I asked when I got my voice back. “How did he cope?”

“He didn’t,” Rupert said. “Caldswell went AWOL, vanished for two years without a trace. Fleet command put in temporary commanders while he was gone, but none of them could handle Brenton, who took Caldswell’s desertion very badly.”

My disbelief must have been clear on my face, because Rupert explained, “They used to be very close. The two of them were Maat’s original Eyes, back before the daughters when she could actually travel and take on phantoms herself. When Caldswell finally came back, Brenton tried to get him reinstated as commander, but fleet command wouldn’t have it. They wanted to court-martial him, but Caldswell’s experience was too valuable, so they demoted him to field commander. He’s been there ever since, running things for the rotating roster of commanding officers that Starfleet keeps installing. Commander Martin is our seventh commander since Caldswell’s demotion.”

“Why did Caldswell return?” I asked, because I didn’t think I would have ever come back after that.

Rupert sighed. “Because defeating the phantoms has been Caldswell’s purpose from the very beginning. He told me once that if he gave that up, he’d have nothing. He also came back because he didn’t want anyone else repeating his mistake. He tells the story of his family’s death to every candidate before they agree to the symbiont implantation. Fleet command tries to stop him because he scares away half of the applicants, but he always gets his way in the end. He might not be the head of the Eyes anymore, but very few people will say no to Commander Caldswell.”

“It didn’t scare you away.”

“I never thought I’d have someone to kill,” Rupert said sadly. “Now I’ve made the same mistake Caldswell did.”

“Except I’m still alive,” I pointed out. “You didn’t kill me.”

“But I will.” His voice sounded so tired now. Defeated, I realized with a chill. “So long as I care about you, my symbiont will see you as a target and try to kill you any chance it gets.” He reached out as he spoke, running his fingers gently through my hair. “I knew that, but I selfishly stayed by you. I wanted to be with you so badly I convinced myself I could manage the risk, and it nearly got you killed. I can’t put you in that situation again.”

My chest tightened with every word. I could see where this was going, just like I could see the resolve in Rupert’s eyes when he dropped his hand. He was going to leave. “No,” I said.

Rupert sighed. “Devi…”

“No,” I said again, louder this time. I might have just been brooding over how Rupert poisoned my resolve and made me weak, but like hell was I going to let him run out on me. Especially not over a problem that could be solved with some metal cables and a sturdy bed bolted to a bulkhead. “You are
not
leaving.”

Rupert’s eyes widened at my vehemence, and for a moment, he looked almost hopeful. But the spark died as quickly as it flared. “I have to,” he said, gently removing me from his lap as he stood. “I put you in danger just by—”

“The only way you put me in danger was by not telling me this shit earlier!” I yelled, ignoring the pain in my throat as I shot to my feet as well. “If you want to beat yourself up over something, beat yourself up over that, but like hell am I letting you abandon me out of some stupid, chivalrous, self-punishing sense of guilt.”

“It’s not—” He cut off, gritting his teeth. “I am
trying
to protect you.”

“Well don’t,” I snapped, pointing at my neck. “You think this frightens me? This is nothing. I’ve done worse to myself by accident while drunk. I’m not scared of you, and I’m not scared of your symbiont!”

Rupert’s eyes flashed with anger. “You should be.”

“Why, because it wants to kill me?” I shouted, standing on my toes so I could yell in his face. “Tell it to take a goddamn number!”

“This is not open for argument,” he said fiercely. “I have to do this, Devi.”

“Why?” I snarled.

“Because I can’t lose you!” Rupert shouted. His voice cracked on the words, but it wasn’t until he wrapped me so tight in his arms I could barely breathe that I realized Rupert’s panic hadn’t actually gone away yet.

“I can’t lose you,” he whispered into my shoulder, his accent thicker than I’d ever heard it. “If I killed you, I can’t even think what I would do. I don’t want to leave, but I can’t do this again. I can’t risk you.”

I sighed against him, snuggling into his chest. I knew this was counterproductive. I should stay mad at him, use anger to widen the distance between us for my own protection, but I couldn’t. Forget weak, I practically melted against him, wrapping my arms around his neck to slide my fingers through the silky fall of his long black hair.

He froze when I touched him, holding so still I could feel his frantic heartbeat thrumming like a drum against my skin. He was so scared, I realized, deadly terrified, and all for me. And as I listened to the pounding of his hectic pulse, it occurred to me for the first time that I was an even greater weakness for Rupert than he was for me.

That realization sent a crushing wave of tenderness through me, and I knew I’d just lost another inch in my fight not to get pulled any further into this doomed relationship. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to care. I still had to talk Rupert down before he gave himself a heart attack.

“You’re right,” I said solemnly, locking my fingers at his nape. “This
won’t
be happening again, because I know what to expect now. The next time you go to sleep, we’ll chain you up and let your symbiont thrash all it wants. I’ll wear my suit just in case, and if it tries to take me out again, I’ll give it some new instincts about not messing with Paradoxians. But under no circumstances will I let you leave.”

Rupert opened his mouth to protest, but I cut him off. “You want to protect me?” I said sharply. “Then stay here and help me see this through.
That’s
what I need from you, not some self-sacrificing bull about leaving me for my own safety. You were the one who promised I wouldn’t have to do this alone, right? So prove it. Stay with me.” I tilted my head back, smiling up at him. “Please.”

Rupert took a deep breath. “Are you sure you want me to?”

“What kind of question is that?” I asked, giving him a skeptical look. “You put yourself on my team, remember? Like hell am I letting you off the hook.”