Heavy Metal (A Badboy Rockstar Romance) (22 page)

The best week of my life was spent holed up in a hotel room with the love of my life.  I was in a prolonged state of ecstasy.  It felt like a honeymoon.  It felt like my heart was going to explode from happiness.  It felt like everything I had ever wanted but had been too afraid to hope for.

Brandon was the best thing that had ever happened to me.  Sex with him was phenomenal.  He was gentle, patient and incredibly giving.  For the first time in my life I finally understood why other women were so obsessed with getting it on.  I had always assumed they were exaggerating when they claimed to love sex, but I had been mistaken.  I had been missing out!   

Thankfully Brandon was more than happy to help me make up for lost time.  We rolled around in the sheets until we were sore and exhausted and giddy with pleasure.  And then after cuddling for a bit we did it all over again, over and over.  It was unbelievable.  It was magical.

But there was so much more to our relationship than sex.  Brandon was my best friend, my rock and my soft place to fall.  He was perfect, or at least as close to perfect as someone can be.  He was sexy and kind and amazing.  He was everything.

But at the same time, I knew deep down that he couldn’t
be
everything to me.

It wasn’t fair to put that kind of pressure or those sorts of expectations on him.  It wasn’t fair to him and even more importantly, it wasn’t fair to me.  And it wasn’t healthy to depend so entirely on a man – not even a man as wonderful as Brandon.  I knew I needed to find my own voice, my own passions and my own ambitions.

The transformation I had undergone was immense.  After losing a ton of weight, I had gained a lot of it back.  Now my thighs were thick.  My butt was big and round and, according to Brandon, perfect for grabbing and groping at every opportunity.  My breasts were like two cantaloupes threatening to spill out of my shirt every time I bent over.  I didn’t look much like the beaten down woman Brandon had met waitressing at a dingy little small town diner.

Physically, I looked different.  Emotionally, I
was
different.

For perhaps the first time in my life, I understood and truly believed that I was worthy of happiness.  I was no longer ashamed of the way I looked, and it wasn’t solely because Brandon gazed at me with utter adoration in his eyes.  He wasn’t the reason I felt good about myself.

He was the one who had shown me I was beautiful and important and deserving of respect.  For that, I would be eternally grateful.  But he couldn’t be everything to me.

My entire adult life, I had catered to Carl’s whims.  I had existed, never really living.  I felt like I was meeting myself for the very first time.  Who was Hayley?  It beat me.  But I needed to figure it out.  I needed to find out what I was passionate about...following Brandon and the band around while they toured wasn’t enough.  It couldn’t be my reason for existing and it couldn’t become my identity.  I wouldn’t let it. 

“What’s on your mind?” Brandon asked curiously.

I blinked and looked over at him.  He was in bed next to me, shirtless and gorgeous and so incredibly sexy I thought I might die.  My cat Mittens was sitting on his chest purring madly, and Brandon was stroking the furry little critter’s head with such tenderness that I was immediately overcome with love for him.

“I was just thinking about...things,” I replied.

“How incredibly vague,” he grinned.  “Can you give me a hint?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” I cautioned as I struggled to come up with the right words.

His smile faded.  He knew by my tone of voice that whatever I was thinking about was serious. 

As I bit my lower lip uncertainly, Brandon picked up the cat.  He leaned over the edge of the bed and gently set Mittens on the floor.  The cat, indignant at being disturbed, hissed before melodramatically stalking off to sulk.

Brandon sat up straight, his attention focused solely on me. 

“What’s up, Hayley?” he asked softly. 

“This week has been amazing,” I told him earnestly.  “It’s the happiest I’ve ever been.”

“But...?”

I hesitated.  “But this can’t be all there is.  I need...I need...”

“What do you need?” he coaxed, reaching out to brush my hair out of my eyes.  “Whatever it is, tell me.  I would do anything for you, Hayley.  I would give you anything.  Whatever you need, whatever you want, just name it and it’s yours.”

I dug my fingernails into my forearm, angry with myself for being unable to provide a proper answer.  Brandon was being so incredibly sweet that I hated to complain.  But at the same time, I needed to be honest, both with him and with myself. 

“I don’t know what it is that I need, exactly, but this can’t be all there is,” I told Brandon, not expecting him to understand.  “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful.  The life we’ve been leading this past little while is incredible.  It really is.  But it’s just...something is missing, you know?  There has to be more than this.”

To my surprise, he immediately nodded.  Then he told me, “I feel the same way.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, of course,” he replied.  “I get to live the dream.  I get to travel the world and share my music.  I have
fans
– how incredible is that?  I have this lavish lifestyle...and yet sometimes I wonder if that’s all there is.  Shouldn’t there be more than this?  Or am I just being greedy?”

“You’re not being greedy,” I assured him.

“I didn’t mean to make this about me,” Brandon said apologetically.  “Talk to me.”

“I feel like I’ve been sleeping for years,” I confided.  “It’s like I’ve woken up this past little while.  You woke me up.  And now it’s like there’s so much lost time to make up for.  I’m completely overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.”

He took my hand and squeezed it.  “We’re all just trying to make our way in the world, and we’re all struggling to figure shit out,” he reminded me.  “If it helps, I don’t think anybody has all the answers.  Anyone who acts like they do is either delusional or a liar.”

“Yeah,” I sighed.  “Maybe I expect too much.”

“I didn’t mean to suggest that.  If anyone expects too much, it’s me,” Brandon told me.

“No,” I said, shaking my head.  “You’re allowed to want something different for your life, you know.  If you’re not happy with what you’re doing, make some changes.  Being in the band doesn’t have to be a life sentence.”

“It sort of is, though,” Brandon interjected.  “I can’t just quit.”

“You don’t owe your fans anything,” I said gently.  “You’ve given them music they love and everything that comes along with that...entertainment, an escape, a soundtrack to their lives.  There’s a reason they all love you.”

“How can I turn my back on them?” he asked, sounding defeated.

“If those people really do love you as much as they claim to, they should understand,” I replied.  “Someone who genuinely loves you wants you to be happy,” I said, my thoughts inevitably turning to my ex.  “If all they care about is the music and the shows and they don’t give a damn about your happiness or well being, then you don’t owe them a thing.”

“How do you always manage to put everything in perspective for me?” Brandon joked.

“You did the same for me,” I reminded him with a smile.

He moved closer and pulled me into his arms.  “I wish it was as easy as you make it sound,” he sighed, his index finger idly tracing over the back of my hand.  “When you say it, it makes so much sense.  But when I think about actually acting on it, I feel so guilty.”

“You don’t have to make any final decisions right away,” I told him, trying to encourage him to take baby steps toward what I was beginning to suspect he desperately needed.  “What if you start out small?”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe it’s time to take some time for yourself...I’ve seen what your schedule is like and it’s pretty grueling, Brandon.  No one would blame you for wanting to do something else, or even just taking some time to yourself.”

“I’m under contract,” he reminded me.

“What’s the worst thing that would happen if you broke the contact?” I asked.

He shrugged.  “I’m no lawyer, but I’d lose a lot of money.”

“Didn’t you once tell me you have more money than you even know what to do with?”

“Point taken,” he conceded.  “What about the other guys, though?  I don’t mean to suggest I’m irreplaceable.  I don’t mean to sound like a dick.  And I know that sometimes bands replace their singers...but let’s face it: usually that’s not how it goes.  Usually when the front man goes, that’s it for the band.  And I can’t do that to the other guys.  I would feel so selfish.”

I pursed my lips, wishing I had a simple, easy answer.  But I didn’t.  “That’s a tough one,” I agreed reluctantly.  “I can’t tell you what to do, Brandon.  It has to be your decision.  But know that I will support you no matter what you decide.”

Brandon ducked his head down and kissed me on the cheek.  “Thanks,” he murmured.  “And the same goes for you.  Once you figure out what you want, I will go to the ends of the earth to make it happen for you, promise.  I love you, Hayley.”

“I love you too,” I replied, beside myself with happiness. 

Sure, I was still vaguely aware of that restless, anxious, gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I still felt like my life was missing something vital and I wasn’t living purposefully.  But being with Brandon forced those feelings back into the recesses of my mind. 

My head was swimming with feelings of euphoria.  My heart was practically bursting with love.

I had never imagined a gorgeous, successful, talented man like Brandon would ever fall for the likes of me.  He was a freaking rock star!  And I was...well, I
had
been a beaten down waitress in a sleepy small town.  Now I wasn’t quite sure what my identity was. 

But I did know I was a woman Brandon was wildly, passionately in love with.  That was a fantastic start!  And best of all, I was finally starting to believe that he hadn’t made some bizarre mistake.  He saw me for exactly who I was...and adored me. 

Smiling, I leaned in for another kiss.  This time I turned my head so our lips would meet. 

One kiss quickly turned into another and then another.  Before I knew it we were wrapped up in one another’s arms, our breathing heavy and our bodies growing warm.  Brandon’s arms slid around my waist, pulling me close as though he never wanted to let me go.

For the old Hayley, that would have been a huge no-no.  I would have frozen in terror, petrified that he would feel a fat roll and be disgusted.  But this time I didn’t even bat an eye.  I simply enjoyed the moment, and the sensation of being in his arms.

I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I wasn’t with Brandon.  I didn’t have to pretend to be skinny.  Let’s face it – even when I had been starving myself thin, I had never been that person inside.  I had never felt like A Thin Woman, whatever the hell that even meant.  Deep down I had always felt like a fraud back when I had tried to present myself that way.

I was bigger than the rail thin pop stars, actresses and models the media adored.  That was obvious.  But so what?  Screw Hollywood.  Screw eating disorders and insecurities and unrealistic expectations.  Screw feeling bad about myself.  Life was too short for that.

These days I was stronger than I had ever been, not just emotionally but also physically. 

Even though I was still a bit nervous about making a fool of myself, I had decided to try to get in shape.  It wasn’t about weight loss so much as taking care of my body.  At first I had felt shy about it, but when I had finally let Brandon in on what I was doing, he had been nothing but supportive, buying me all kinds of stylish workout clothes and encouraging me to put my health first.  It was a far cry from the way Carl had treated me.

As it turned out, I quite liked jogging, even though I wasn’t particularly fast or good at it.  There was something soothing about getting into the rhythm of it; I found I did some of my best thinking when I was simply putting one foot in front of the other.  When I ran, I also found I slept better at night.

Shockingly, I even enjoyed the challenge of lifting weights.  Every morning that I worked out in the hotel gym I was amazed by what my body was capable of doing.  And every day I felt my stamina and endurance increasing.  I couldn’t wait to see where I’d be in a few months’ time.

No, I’d never fit into size 0 jeans.  Hell, I’d probably never even fit into size 10 jeans.  But who cared?  Brandon loved me exactly as I was, and for the first time in my life I loved myself.  I was happier and healthier than I had been in years and that was all that mattered.

I realized I was grinning like an idiot.

I doubted Brandon had noticed, though.

He was busy examining the straps of my nightgown.  He was clearly trying to figure out how to best get it off me.  He slid a finger underneath one strap.  I shivered with anticipation.  And then, instead of trying to hide myself under the sheets or insisting we shut the lights off, I reached down and grabbed the bottom of my short nightgown. 

Then I pulled it up over my head and tossed it aside.  There I was, naked and exposed.  Every flaw, roll and bulge was on full display.  It was terrifying, sure.  But I had already wasted far too much time hating my body and punishing myself for not looking perfect.  I was determined to never allow myself to do that again.