Heavy Metal (A Badboy Rockstar Romance) (19 page)

The phone rang for the third time. 

I stared at it in horror, wishing it would self destruct and save
me
from self destructing.  I was a mess.  I was so distraught that I thought I might be sick, my stomach in knots and my skin uncomfortably hot.  I wanted to cry.  In fact, I
had
been crying on and off ever since Brandon had called the previous day to say he would be flying in to see me.

I was so distraught I had called in sick to work.  But it wasn’t exactly a lie.  I felt sick!

Though it went against all logic, I pleaded with the universe to stop time dead in its tracks just this once.  If time could stand still for, oh, say six months, maybe I could lose all the weight I had packed on.  Maybe I could make myself thin and pretty and someone Brandon would be attracted to again.

But the universe didn’t work like that.  It didn’t grant favors to anyone, least of all me.

I was on my own.

And even worse, I was certain that once Brandon got a good look at the new (old) me, I would truly be on my own.  He was far too nice of a guy to say something rude about my figure the way Carl would have, but still...he was a freaking rock star, gorgeous and beloved by fans all around the world.  There was no way he would still want me once he realized the true me was obese and completely lacking in self-control.

Feeling rotten, I shut the phone off.  I knew why Brandon was calling.  It was to tell me his plane had landed.  Actually, by now it was probably to tell me he was on his way into town from the city.  I knew I couldn’t ignore his calls forever, but I wanted to stave off the inevitable for as long as I could.

Right now, I had a boyfriend.

Once Brandon saw me, I knew it would all come to an end. 

Could I really be blamed for trying to put that heartbreak off for as long as possible?

Suddenly there was a knock on the door of my suite.  Startled, I nearly jumped out of my skin.  Hesitantly, I tiptoed over to the door and peeked through the peephole.  My worst fears were confirmed.  Brandon was standing out there in the hallway with a suitcase at his feet.  He looked jetlagged but every bit as handsome as ever.

Terrified, I froze.

“Surprise!” he called through the door.  “I think your phone must be dead, because I tried calling a few times.  Anyway, the cook at the diner told me where you live, so I figured I’d just come over.”  He waited a moment and then tilted his head to the side.  “Um, Hayley, are you okay?”

I didn’t reply.  Even though my heart skipped a beat at the sight of Brandon and my entire body tingled with desire when I heard his voice, part of me hoped he would simply give up and go away.  That would be so much less humiliating.

But it wasn’t to be.

“Uh, Hayley, I know you’re there.  I can see your feet under the door,” Brandon told me. 

I looked down and silently cursed.  Sure enough, there was a small but significant gap between the place where the floor ended and the door began.  Why did I have to be renting a suite that had an inexplicably ill fitting front door?!

“I uh...I’m not feeling well!” I called through the door.  “I don’t want you to catch my germs!”

“I’m not afraid of your germs,” he replied.  “Getting to kiss you hello is worth getting sick.”

“Brandon, I can’t open the door.” 

He grew somber when he realized something was off.  “Why’s that?  Hayley, what’s wrong?”

My eyes were burning and I felt like I might burst into uncontrollable sobs at any moment.  There was no talking my way out of this one.  I had to be honest, and the thought of owning up to what I’d done – what I’d allowed myself to
become
– absolutely horrified me. 

“Brandon, I’m not the same person I was when you last saw me,” I told him tearfully.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, puzzled.  “Please let me in so we can talk.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I – I don’t want you to see me!” I told him.

“Why can’t I see you?  This really isn’t making any sense to me, Hayley.”

Mustering up all of my courage, I forced myself to admit the ugly truth.  “I’ve gained weight, Brandon.  I mean I’ve gained
a lot
of weight.  I don’t know what happened, it just got out of control and then everything fell apart...I don’t want you to see me like this.”

He was quiet for a moment and then asked, “You’re serious?  You don’t want me to see you because you...think you’ve put on some weight?”

“You don’t understand.  I don’t think I’ve put on weight.  I
have
put on weight.  I’ve put on a lot of weight,” I admitted tearfully.  “I’m huge and I’m so embarrassed.”

There was a pause.  Then Brandon calmly suggested, “So blindfold me.”

I peeked through the peephole at him and saw he was completely serious.  “What?”

Crouching down right there in the hallway, he unzipped his suitcase and began to rifle around inside it.  Then he held up a necktie.  “I’ll tie this over my eyes,” he told me, holding it up so that I could see it.  “I won’t be able to see anything.  I won’t be able to see
you
.  If I blindfold myself will you please let me in?” 

I hesitated.  “How will I know you’re not cheating?  What if you peek?”

“I won’t peek,” he promised.

“But how will I know?” I asked again, anxious as hell.

“Do you trust me?” he asked.

I went quiet at that, mainly because I knew the answer.  “Yes,” I admitted softly.  “I trust you.”

“Okay, good.  Here I go,” he said, covering his eyes with the necktie and securing it behind his head.  “I can’t see a thing now, Hayley, promise.  Now can I please, please have a kiss hello?  I miss you so much.  I just want to hold you again.  Please, I’ve been dreaming of this moment for so long.”

Shakily, I unlatched the door and opened it a crack.  I looked out at Brandon nervously, scared to death of what would happen next.  Then I opened the door a bit wider, stuck my hand out and waved it rather violently in front of his face.  When I got no reaction, I was satisfied that he truly couldn’t see me.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the door all the way. 

“Hi,” I said.

“Hi,” he replied, offering a smile.  “Can I have a kiss?”

Tentatively, I stepped forward and pressed my lips to his. 

The kiss was feather light, just a faint whisper of all the passion that had built between us during our lustful phone calls.  But I was afraid to kiss him the way I wanted to, hard and needful and enthusiastic. 

He would have loved getting a desperate, impassioned kiss like that from the thin, half-starved Hayley he had met months earlier, but there was no way he would welcome that from the real, heavy me...was there?

When Brandon reached out to embrace me, I jumped back as though my very life was in danger.  Though I wanted him to hold me more than anything in the world, I didn’t want him to discover how much more of me there was.  And I would absolutely die if his hand happened to brush up against one of my unsightly rolls of flab.

Instead, I took Brandon’s hand. 

“Come in,” I told him, leading the way.  “I don’t have much furniture yet, but if you don’t mind sitting on the floor...” 

“I don’t mind,” he assured me.  I could tell he was deeply confused by what he had encountered, and I honestly couldn’t blame him for that.  But to his credit, he was attempting to take it all in stride.  The adoration I felt for that man was almost overwhelming.

And when I sat down next to him on the pile of blankets and pillows I’d been using as a bed, I lost it.  I began to cry.

“Hey, what is it?” he murmured, reaching out blindly for me.  “Talk to me, Hayley.”

I grabbed Brandon’s hands in mine, mostly so they couldn’t find their way to my embarrassing problem areas.  Then I leaned my head against his chest and told him, “I don’t know what happened.  I was sad and I missed you and, oh God, I’m so ashamed.  I started eating and I couldn’t stop.  It sounds stupid, I know.  But it’s the truth.  It was like something in me broke, and I got fat again.”

Calling myself fat out loud made me cringe.  It was that dreaded word that packed more punch than any other in the English language.  And it reeked of Carl.  But it was also the truth, and I felt like I needed to say it...to face it. 

Brandon didn’t react at all.  Instead, he simply listened.  And I kept talking.

“I was huge before,” I babbled, rambling a mile a minute as though a dam inside me had burst.  “I never told you that because I didn’t want you to know, but I’ve been heavy for years.  It got really bad when I was a teenager...around the time Earl moved in, I guess.  I’m not quite as big as I used to be, but that’s not saying much.  I don’t know how much weight I’ve gained since I’ve been back in town but it’s a lot.” 

Brandon squeezed my hand.  “It’s alright, Hayley,” he reassured me.

“It’s not!” I argued, my breathing ragged as I tried to choke back sobs.  “I’m such a failure.”

“No you’re not.  You’re beautiful and smart and kind and the best friend I’ve ever had.  Notice how I didn’t mention your weight?  It’s because it doesn’t matter to me.  It’s not what makes you who you are, Hayley.”

“But it is,” I insisted.  “It completely defines me.  You can’t possibly understand that unless you’ve experienced it firsthand.  And sure, it’s one thing for you to
say
you don’t care about my weight.  But if you see me you will backpedal so fast, mark my words.”

“Give me a little more credit than that,” Brandon said kindly.  “Besides, I’m going to have to see you at some point, you know.  I can’t exactly spend the rest of my life blindfolded,” he added with a grin, clearly attempting to lighten the mood.

“If you see me, you’re not going to want me anymore,” I cautioned.  “Maybe you’ll still want to be my friend, I don’t know.  But I can guarantee you won’t be attracted to me anymore.  If anything, you’ll be repulsed.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“Well it’s true!” I insisted, my anxiety rising to new levels.  “I know it’s true!”

“Hayley, you’re a beautiful woman.  I want you, and I can’t imagine a time when I will ever stop wanting you.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much it hurts to hear you talk about yourself like you’re worthless.  I adore you, and you should be crazy about yourself too because you’re completely amazing.”

Dabbing at the tears on my dampened cheeks, I sniffled and said nothing.

“What do you say?” Brandon urged gently.  “Can I take the blindfold off?”

“Not yet,” I whispered, too afraid of the consequences.

“Okay,” he agreed.  “Not yet.”

We sat there in silence for a moment, both of us lost in our own thoughts.

“Will you take a nap with me?” Brandon asked after a moment, breaking the silence.  “I was so excited about getting to be with you that I didn’t really sleep on the plane at all.  Kind of like a kid on Christmas Eve, I guess,” he chuckled.  “You’re my Christmas.”

“I’ll take a nap with you,” I agreed, my mouth dry and my body tense.

Together, we curled up on my makeshift bed.  It wasn’t the sort of luxury Brandon was used to, but he didn’t complain a bit.  Instead, he let out a contented sigh and reached for me, his blindfold still securely in place.

Again, I hesitated, not wanting Brandon to get a sense of my size by touching me.  When his fingertips brushed against my shoulder, I flinched and felt myself stiffen.  I had been craving his touch for so long, but not like this.  Not in this body.

“It’s okay,” he coaxed me, as patient and understanding as ever.  “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Can we just...not?” I asked.  “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize.”

We stayed there side by side for quite some time, shoulder to shoulder, our bodies not quite touching.  Little by little I felt myself begin to relax as I listened to the sound of Brandon breathing.  It felt so natural, so familiar, so comforting. 

Emboldened, I stretched out my fingers and grasped his hand.

His fingers closed around mine in response and he held on tight, unflinching.

“You’re going to have to let me take the blindfold off sometime,” Brandon pointed out the next morning.  “I mean, my bladder is pretty full and I’m pretty sure you don’t want me aiming blindly when I use the washroom.” 

He was being silly on purpose, but it was doing nothing to lighten my mood.  I was so nervous! 

I had gotten up early that morning, tiptoeing around as Brandon slept.  I had tried my best to make myself presentable, spending far longer than usual on my hair and makeup.  Then I had painstakingly dressed, well aware that no matter what I wore, it wouldn’t make me look thin.

I had done all I could do.  The rest was out of my hands now.

Bracing myself for what I figured was inevitable I took a deep, shuddering breath.  “Alright,” I told him, feeling my apprehension reach new heights.  “I know you’re right, Brandon.  I can’t keep you in the dark forever, even though I really, really want to.  So go ahead.  You can take the blindfold off.”

As I watched Brandon pull the makeshift blindfold off, I felt like I wanted to run away.  The deep, intense embarrassment I felt when his eyes adjusted to the light and focused on me made it difficult to breathe. 

But to my amazement, Brandon’s eyes didn’t linger on my body.  Instead, he met my gaze and gave me a reassuring smile that absolutely melted me inside.  “There’s my girl,” he murmured affectionately as though nothing had changed.  He opened his arms and reached for me.  “Come here, you.” 

I quite literally had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.  I wasn’t. 

And when I finally allowed Brandon to hold me, I melted into him, finally feeling safe for the first time since we’d parted ways.  His hug wasn’t merely a friendly one, either.  He kissed my face, stroked my hair and murmured sweet things in my ear.  He did everything one would expect a lover to do. 

It was surreal, but it was really happening.

His reaction was everything I’d hoped for, and everything I had convinced myself wasn’t possible.  Best of all it seemed sincere.  I couldn’t quite wrap my head around why a guy like Brandon who was surrounded by beautiful, adoring women day after day would spend his time pursuing me, but he was.

I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. 

But at the same time, I couldn’t help but feel guilty.  Brandon was an incredible guy, sweet, talented and gorgeous.  He truly was the whole package.  I felt like he deserved better than me – someone who didn’t mistreat her body and despise herself for it.  I had to change.  I knew that.  But it was easier said than done.

*****

Later that night, I found myself mortified all over again.

Brandon had stepped outside for a smoke – a habit he hadn’t quite been able to kick yet, despite a valiant effort.  I took the opportunity to slip into the bathroom and shove my fingers down my throat, desperate to get skinny all over again.  Nothing much came up because I had barely eaten since Brandon’s return to North America, but I retched horribly – and loudly.

As I stood there bent over the toilet, the room spinning and my eyes watering, there was a light rap on the door.  My blood turned to ice and I froze in position with my fingers still partway down my throat.

“Hayley, are you okay?”

In my hurry to empty my body out, I hadn’t quite shut the door all the way.  When Brandon knocked, he caused it to open a crack.  But that was enough for him to see what I was doing.  It was just like having Carl walk in on me in the act all over again.

Except this time I got a completely different reaction.

The surprise and then sadness on Brandon’s handsome face was undeniable.  I knew he wasn’t trying to make me feel bad, but it was nonetheless enough to cause me to burst into tears right then and there. 

But that didn’t scare him off.  Instead, he stepped into the bathroom and wordlessly pulled me into his arms.  He held me so tightly I could hardly breathe, clutching onto me as though afraid I might otherwise slip out of his grasp and disappear. 

There, with my head against his shoulder, I finally broke down completely.

“I love you, Hayley,” Brandon murmured once I’d finally let my pent up emotions out all over his shoulder.  “You know that, right?”

Sniffling, I clung to him for dear life.  “How can you?”

“How can I
not
?  You’re you.”

“Yeah, but you could have your pick of anyone.”

“Screw that.  I only want you, Hayley.  You do realize you’re one of the few people in my life who I can actually trust, right?  You’re one of the only ones who I honestly feel isn’t trying to take advantage of me or use me.  You don’t care about my fame or money.  You actually care about me.”

“Well of course I do.  You’re amazing.”

“So are you,” he told me.  “I wish you could see it, and I wish you knew how beautiful you are.”

“Was,” I corrected him.  “How beautiful I
was
.”

“No.  You’re every bit as gorgeous now as you were before,” he told me firmly.  “Maybe you’re even more beautiful because you’re finally letting your guard down.  It always felt like you were holding something back.   I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but now I think it’s starting to make sense.  I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you’ve finally let me in.”

Mustering up my courage, I pulled away so I could look up into his eyes.  “You don’t mean that.  How could you?  How can you still think I’m attractive now if you liked the way I looked like before?  It’s a pretty drastic difference.”  I didn’t know how much weight I had gained, exactly, but considering the relatively short time frame, it was
a lot
.

He shrugged.  “When it comes to looks, I really don’t have a type.  I’m a man.  I’m attracted to pretty women and you, Hayley, are a pretty woman.  Weight doesn’t make any difference to me – I’m every bit as turned on by you at this size as I was when you were thin.”

“My weight seriously doesn’t bother you?” I asked incredulously.

“Nope, not at all, so get that notion out of your head right now, silly!” he grinned.  But his grin was short-lived.  As he studied my face intently, his eyes became sad.  When he spoke next, his tone was somber.  “What does matter to me is that you’re happy and healthy.  I don’t think you are, honey.”

“I’m not,” I admitted.

“How can we fix that?”

“I just want to be in control,” I whispered as I felt my eyes fill with tears again.  “I’m not sure I ever have been.  I think...well...this will sound dumb,” I cautioned.

“Tell me anyway,” he urged.

“Okay, well I saw this talk show once about survivors of sexual abuse, and a couple of the women who had been attacked ended up gaining a whole bunch of weight afterward.  It got me thinking because I really started gaining weight fast after Earl moved in with me and my mom.  I think...I mean, I’m no expert, but sometimes I wonder if I subconsciously tried to make myself unappealing so he’d leave me alone.”

“Could be,” Brandon agreed.  His arms were still wrapped around me in a warm, comforting embrace.  “I’m no expert either so I can’t say.  But it makes sense.  Do you...would you be interested in maybe talking to someone who’s actually equipped to help you?” he asked tentatively.  “It’s totally your call, of course, but if you are I will make it happen.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head.  “I kind of just want to put my past behind me, not dredge it all up again.  “I feel like this is something I can and should deal with on my own.  I just...I just need to do better, you know?”

He nodded.  “I know what it’s like to have an addiction,” he reminded me, pulling his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and holding them up as if to prove his point.  “But I also know how tough it is to quit cold turkey.  Breaking a bad habit is hard...it’s damn hard.”

“But you can do it,” I pointed out.  “You’ve done it once already.”

“I could say the same to you,” he told me kindly.  “No more making yourself sick, okay?”

“Okay,” I agreed.  Then I confessed, “I’ve never been thin in my life, except for that brief time when I first met you.  I don’t think that’s me.  I felt light headed most of the time when I was skinny.  I’m not sure it’s sustainable.  Maybe I’m just not meant to be thin.”

“That’s fine,” Brandon reassured me, pausing to kiss me on the forehead.  “All I want is for you to feel your best.  I don’t care what the scale says and if you ask me, you shouldn’t either.  Your health is what matters and I will help you any way I can – or not.  If you want me to be involved, that’s great.  But if you want space and time to figure it out on your own, that’s cool too.  Just tell me what you need.”

“I think most of all I just need someone to believe in me, and to support me.”

“Well I do.”

I smiled for the first time in what felt like ages.  “I know.  Thanks.”