Her Mother's Daughter (39 page)

Tansy couldn't speak.

He knocked her head back one more time and squeezed her neck. “How would you like it if I hurt you?” He rammed his hand between her legs. “I can think of lots of ways to hurt you, bitch.”

Tansy couldn't breathe.

The door opened and a couple of men came in. They quickly grabbed the guy and threw him to the floor, asking if she was okay. She nodded and ran out the door into the ladies room, only just reaching the toilet before she was sick.

She took a cab home and was treated to the spectacle of Cecily having sex with a stranger on their couch.

“Where were you?” Tansy cried.

Cecily was drunk. She didn't have the decency to be embarrassed. “Who are you, my mother?”

The guy thought that was a riot.

Tansy ran to her room and slammed the door. She didn't sleep all night, going over and over how it felt to have that man's hand around her neck. Any one of those men could snap it like a twig. What the hell was she doing, putting herself in that kind of danger?

She had the next day off, which was helpful because she was hungover and exhausted. Cecily didn't speak to her on her way out the door in the morning and Tansy didn't speak to her either. She took her coffee into her bedroom; she never wanted to sit on that damn couch again. As she sat in bed and looked out the window at the brick building next door, she wished she was a smoker. This was a scenario that called for at least a half a pack.

Tansy put the mug down on her bureau and saw the mail she'd brought in the day before but hadn't had a chance to look at. Picking it up, her heart skipped a beat when she tossed the power bill aside and saw her mother's handwriting. The envelope was thick. That meant there were pictures of Ashley inside.

There were times when she looked forward to gazing at her daughter's face. And there were other times when it damn near killed her. And this was one of those times. Did she really want to see Ashley on the swing with Bay? Eating an ice cream cone? Dressed up as a bunny for Halloween?

She debated whether she should open it. If she weren't so lonely, she would have put it aside for another day, but she found herself running her thumb under the flap of the envelope.

Ashley was three now. That adorable age. In the first picture she sat at the kitchen table on a booster seat in a pair of pyjamas with feet. She was obviously just out of the tub; her blonde curls were damp. She had a milk mustache on her upper lip and held a graham cracker in her hand. Mom or Bay must have told her to say cheese, because she had a silly grin that showed all her teeth. Her perfect little teeth.

In the next one she held her favourite toy duck. She'd carried that thing around ever since she could walk. With every picture the duck was flatter and flatter and sometimes it was dirty and sometimes it was clean. Her mother told her they washed it at night after Ashley was in bed so she wouldn't miss it.

But there was always one picture that tore her guts out. She was never sure why some pictures were so painful. There was no way to brace for it as she looked through them. The minute she saw the next one, she knew this was the one. Her mother had taken a photo of Bay and Ashley as they walked down the road. They must have been off to the store for milk, or maybe Bay was taking her to feed the ducks. They were a little too far away from the camera, so they looked like shadows on the sunny street. Bay held Ashley's hand and looked down at her as Ashley looked up.

A mother and daughter moment.

Tansy traced the picture. Because it was a shadow it was easy to imagine that it was her in the picture. It looked like her. And from that moment, it was. She took a safety pin and pinned the picture to the wall exactly at eye level, where she lay on her pillow. She'd be able to lie on her side and stare at it until she went to sleep. There was no point in looking at the other photos. They could wait. But she did open her mother's letter, and was sorry she did.

Dear Tansy,

How are you, honey? I haven't heard from you in a while. I know you're
busy but if you could call a little more often I'd appreciate it. Whenever I call
your apartment you're not there. I hope that means you're having fun in the
big city…but not too much fun!

As you can see, Ashley is doing well. She bumped her head last week on
the pantry door so she had a bit of a bruise, but she's fine now. She was very
excited the other day when Gertie came over with finger puppets she'd made
for her. She pranced around all morning with them on and cried when she
had to take them off to eat her lunch.

We have some news. Bay got a job at the post office. It's only part-time,
but you never know where it might lead. Bev Murrant isn't getting any
younger and once she retires there will be an opening, unless they give it to
someone with more seniority who works somewhere else, but we'll keep our
fingers crossed.

I'm feeling good, although I had to go on blood pressure medication. But
it's nothing to worry about.

The reason I'm writing is your sister. Bay's been down lately and I know
it's because she's missing you. She never says anything, because she knows
how hard it must be for you to see her with Ashley, even in the pictures we
send. She understands the reasons you stay away, but I know she never
thought you'd stay away for years at a time. And quite frankly, I didn't think
that would happen either.

When we decided to do this, I assumed you'd be here more often. Obviously young people go away to get jobs, especially around here, but they
do come home for holidays and family occasions and I thought that's the
way it would work for us. We're such a little family now. When you didn't
come home for Christmas last year, there was a real sense of loss. And if I'm
being perfectly honest, people are starting to talk. Even Gertie asked me the
other day when you'd be home to see your niece.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, dear. I just wanted you to know how
it is. I was hoping that maybe you'd consider coming home this Christmas. I've enclosed a cheque for you to buy a plane ticket, and I've given you a little
extra. It's not a bribe! I spend money on your sister and the baby and I miss
spending money on you. I worry that you need money but you're too proud
to tell me. You know your father wouldn't want to see you without, and in
three years you've never asked me for anything, so please take this and sock
it away in case you ever need it.

I love you, Tansy. And I miss you. We all do.

Mom xoxox

Tansy pulled out the cheque. It was for ten thousand dollars.

“Oh, Mom, what have you done?”

She didn't tell them she was coming home for Christmas.

When she called her mom to thank her for the money, her mother never mentioned Christmas, and Tansy didn't bring it up either, because then it would seem like a bribe. When Bay got on the phone she was cheerful. A little too cheerful. She asked about Toronto and Tansy asked about the new job. They talked a little bit about Ashley, but not much. Tansy liked to hear about her daughter from her mother, that way it was not as personal. Bay must have sensed that, and she never said more than she had to.

Tansy decided that if she had to do this thing, she would fly in the day before. The days leading up to Christmas had always been her favourite time of the holidays. She didn't want to be around for the baking and wrapping and decorating. She'd arrive in the afternoon and they could go to the Christmas Eve church service so everyone in town would see that they were a “normal” family that did get together for the holidays. Then surely a three-year-old would go to bed early. Christmas morning would be a blur. She'd be able to choke down Christmas dinner and stay for one more day to make it seem like she really wanted to be there, but then use the excuse that she had to get back to work. That was as much as she would do. If her mother wanted more than that, she'd have to slit her wrists.

And that was exactly what Tansy wanted to do when she realized she'd have to buy Christmas presents for her daughter instead of sending gift certificates.

The taxi pulled up to the house around two in the afternoon. She'd forgotten how pretty the house looked when it snowed. Like a gingerbread house. Her mother had her favourite wreath on the door and single battery-operated candles in all the windows. There were no Christmas lights on the spruce tree in the front yard. Dad always did that, and either her mother didn't want to get up on a ladder or she didn't have the heart to do it.

Tansy had one small suitcase and a carryall. She paid the driver and walked to the back door. Should she knock? That seemed silly, so she took a deep breath and walked in.

Her childhood hit her in the face. The smell of shortbreads and mincemeat tarts and gingerbread were mixed in with the scent of evergreen and cedar, cinnamon and apple cider.

She almost turned around and walked out. She couldn't do this.

And then she saw Ashley.

Her daughter ran into the kitchen wearing a red velvet dress with a white Peter Pan collar, tied in the back with a big bow. She had on white tights and black patent leather shoes and a green velvet ribbon around her head, keeping back her curls.

As soon as Ashley saw her, she stopped running and looked uncertain. Her hand immediately went to the back of her hair and twisted a curl around her finger.

“Hello.”

Ashley didn't say anything.

“You're very pretty.”

Bay stuck her head around the hall entrance as if afraid of what she'd see. The minute she laid eyes on Tansy her face lit up. She never said a word, simply ran into Tansy's arms. Tansy had to drop her bags to hug her back.

Ashley twisted around and yelled, “Nana!”

Mom came down the stairs and put her hand on her heart. “Oh, my girls.”

It was nice.

Gertie came over when Bay called to say Tansy was home. And as usual, it was better when she was there because they were distracted from bigger issues. They did end up going to church and the only thing Tansy remembered afterwards was a buzz of voices in the vestibule all sounding delighted when they realized Tansy was in their midst. She almost laughed. Most of these people had talked behind her back her whole life, and here they were pretending to be as pleased as punch to see her.

Then she realized they were pleased for her mother and she didn't have anything to do with it.

Ashley was overtired and cranky by the time they got home. She cried and called out for her mommy. Bay almost hesitated before she picked her up. She asked Tansy if she wanted to help put her to bed, or read Ashley
The Night Before Christmas
. Tansy said no.

The worst moment of the day was when the three of them sat together and placed gifts under the Christmas tree. To keep from talking about anything important, they reminisced about Christmases past, but that's a dangerous thing to do when emotions are raw. Mom got teary as she talked about Dad and Bay wept when she remembered it was four years ago tonight that Bobby had asked her to marry him. Tansy made damn sure she didn't cry about anything.