Her Secret (16 page)

His tone was reminiscent of someone who’d
been used to many birthdays slipping by with not only no presents,
but also no remembrance. Saddened but resolute, I got pen and paper
from my purse and made a note of both months, and their names. “We
will celebrate both from now on,” I said gently, yet firmly. “We’ve
seen too much death not to take every chance to celebrate
life.”

Danial obviously didn’t know what to say.
Theo just nodded happily. For now, that was a small step in the
right direction.

* * * *

That next week, Theo and I had our first
therapy appointment with Dr. Clay. It wasn’t far from Danial’s
home, near Camlyn’s office. To my relief, the psychologist knew
that there were conscious creatures besides humans in the world. To
my surprise, the doctor was a woman.

“Good to meet you. My name is Carol Clay. You
can just call me Carol. And you are?”

“Theo and Sar,” I answered.

“And what do you think you can accomplish in
the time we spend together? Theo, you go first.”

Theo gave her a blank look. She turned to me,
inviting me to speak.

“To start, we need to work on Theo’s jealousy
and my guilt.”

“Please explain, Sar,” Carol said soothingly.
“What is Theo jealous of, and why are you guilty? Did you have an
affair?”

“No,” I said, feeling better immediately.
“Theo and I were apart for a few years. In that time, I went back
to the man I’d been with before him, the man I’d left to be with
him. I had a baby with that man, and raised Theo’s child by another
woman with him.”

“Why are you jealous about this man, Theo?”
Carol said, still soothingly. “You were not together with Sar at
the time she was with him.”

“I’m not jealous that she was with him then,”
Theo said, sounding exasperated already. “I’m jealous because she
still wants him and because they had sex a month ago.”

Carol looked at me questioningly.

“The other man was a vampire,” I said
hesitantly. “I was starting to turn when I left him. I’m slowly
going back to normal, but my doctor said it will take another few
months.” I took a breath. “This doctor advised me to be intimate
with Danial in the meantime, to try to stave off my seeking out
another vampire to complete my transformation.”

“That’s not a suggestion I’ve heard of
before,” Carol replied.

“The idea was he’d not exchange any fluids
with me, but spending time with him would make my withdrawal more
bearable,” I explained. “When we tried it, we ended up giving in,
despite our efforts not to. When I got home, Theo admitted that
he’d wanted to kill Danial, and was going to leave me if I went to
Danial for sex again, even if the plan had worked.”

“Theo, why aren’t you letting Sar see Danial,
especially if her doctor says that that is best? This seems not an
affair of the heart, but a medical need.”

“Because I don’t want my wife fucking anyone
but me,” Theo growled at her.

I rolled my eyes, but Carol took it in
stride. “Theo, there is no need for swearing here, as I’m not
trying to antagonize you, just to get you to share what you’re
feeling. But feel free to use whatever words best describes your
feelings.”

“Okay,” Theo said neutrally.

“Carol,” I interjected, “When that plan
didn’t work, I got some drugs from my doctor that take away my
desire. It worked a lot better than being with Danial. Frankly, it
was a relief not to continue with the former plan, because I didn’t
like how I felt afterward.”

“How did you feel, Sar?”

“Like I was using him. I felt dirty.”

“You love this vampire, don’t you?” Carol
said.

“Danial is his name,” I answered. “Yes, I
love him a lot.”

“Wait a minute” Carol said, recognition in
her eyes. “Your name is Sarelle?”

Sigh. I was a famous celebrity now, after
all. “Yes, I was the one who had the dhamphir.”

“It’s so interesting to finally meet you,”
she said pleasantly.

Theo shifted in his seat, irritated. “Can we
get back to our problems?” he said, trying not to growl.

“Of course,” she said smoothly. “Excuse me.”
She paused, and then spoke again. “Sar, I can understand Theo’s
jealousy, but not your guilt. You didn’t cause this problem. Why
are you guilty?”

Clearly, I would need a private session to
tell her about Devlin. Nevertheless, I had some other reasons that
needed to be spoken. “Because deep down inside, I am angry at
Theo.”

His head swiveled to me instantly,
shocked.

“There was another woman he wanted to marry,
and he was going to choose her over me,” I said emotionally. “And
another one he was living with—”

“I didn’t live with Aspen—”

“Theo married me without telling her. She
confronted him when we were filing our marriage certificate. And
before you ask, yes, I knew they were in a relationship.”

“Theo, why didn’t you tell Aspen that you
were going to marry Sar?”

“I planned to tell her,” Theo said, running
his hands through his hair. “But you weren’t there. After the dream
ended, I had to be with Sar.” He explained about the dream we’d
shared briefly. “I was sure she’d married or Oathed to Danial, and
when I found out she was free, I couldn’t wait another minute.” He
muttered something.

“Theo, speak your feelings louder. We are
listening.”

“I said fat lot of good it did me! Sar still
wants Danial.”

“Some of that is that they had a previous
relationship, and some of that is her medical condition,” Carol
said gently. “It’s normal for her to still feel affection toward
him, even desire him. What you have to remember is that Sar is your
wife, and she doesn’t want to be intimate with this other man. She
has stated that clearly several times.” She paused. “Now if you
will accept that—”

“I’ll accept that when she’s back to normal,”
Theo interrupted. “She should be like she used to in another few
weeks. But we’re not here only to talk about what we’ve discussed.
Sar also endured an assault this past fall. She needs to talk to
someone about that, because she hasn’t told anyone, and she says
she can’t tell me.”

Carol looked at me “Is this true, Sar?”

I nodded reluctantly.

“Sar, do you feel comfortable discussing what
happened to you in front of Theo?”

“No,” I said. “But I’ll tell you the stark
outline, if you want me to. This upsets Theo also, because I...I,
um...I enjoyed it.”

My admission didn’t faze her in the
slightest. “Are you embarrassed because you enjoyed it, or because
you actively fantasize about forced sex? Sometimes women respond in
odd ways to—”

“I’m embarrassed because I should have
escaped. The first time was—”

“The first time!” Theo roared. “There was
more than one? How many times did he have you?”

“I can’t do this,” I said in a small
voice.

“You can,” Carol encouraged. She shot Theo a
deathly look. “Theo will be silent.”

“The first time he forced me, he hurt me,
even though he tried not to. But what hurt the most was I couldn’t
stop him, that no one was stopping him, and I did everything I
could to get him off me and it wasn’t enough.” I wiped away sudden
tears.

Theo grabbed my hand. “I’m so sorry,” he
whispered. “I should’ve been there.”

“What happened after, Sar?”

I chose my words as carefully as I could.
“The second time, he told me he wanted me to enjoy it. I tried my
best, but I couldn’t hold out, and eventually I came for him.” I
shot Carol a look. “That’s all I’m comfortable saying.”

Carol caught my unspoken message, and nodded
to me once. “You need a private session, Sar, to discuss your
feelings about this. This may be the root of your problem.”

No maybes about it
. “When?”

She checked her desk planner. “I have a three
p.m. appointment free tomorrow, if that’s doable.”

I nodded. “I’ll be here.”

“Theo, do you feel better, hearing Sar tell
you what happened to her?”

“Yes. I couldn’t understand what happened
from the little I knew. I was angry because she told me that she
enjoyed it. I never blamed her for it happening; I blamed myself,
and the men who took her.” He paused. “I understand now that what I
thought occurred wasn’t what really happened.”

No, it had been that and an ocean
more...

“Sar, do you feel better, now that you’ve
told Theo what happened?”

No, I feel guiltier than ever
. “A
little,” I whispered.

“That’s enough for today,” Carol said,
glancing at the clock. “Sar, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Later that night as we lay in bed, Theo
whispered, “Sar, I’m sorry. I know what it must have cost you to
come back to me after and act like everything was fine.”

I didn’t reply.

“Did Devlin find you—?” he asked
haltingly

“He found me naked on a bed, with five men
and Alphonse around us, watching,” I said coldly. “He killed them
all.”

“They’re dead, all of them,” Theo soothed,
his arms tightening around me. “You came through it, and you’re
going to be okay. I’m going to be here to make sure you’re okay. If
you need anything, just tell me.”

“I didn’t want you to know,” I said softly.
“But it’s a relief to talk about it.”

“We’ll keep going back, Sar. As many times as
it takes.”

I hugged him tight, and didn’t reply.

* * * *

“Good afternoon, Sar.”

“Carol, is everything I say to you
confidential?”

“Yes. Now what did you not feel comfortable
telling me yesterday?”

“You’re sure this is confidential?”

“Yes. Not only can I not tell Theo, I can’t
tell anyone, or I risk losing my license. The exception would be if
you’d harmed someone, or planned to hurt someone, including
yourself.”

I shifted uncomfortably. “I need you to know
that there is more to the story.”

“Go on,” she encouraged. “Tell me about this
encounter. What was this man’s name?”

Oddly, I didn’t want to tell her Devlin’s
name. “I’d rather not give you his name just yet.”

“That’s fine. Please go on.”

“The man who I enjoyed...um, was with was
also the man who rescued me that night from my abductors. He was
badly injured doing so. He was also a vampire, and I gave him my
blood to heal, though I knew it was wrong.”

“Why did you think it was wrong?”

“I wanted him secretly. He had saved me
before, and I had wondered what being with him would be like. We’d
had sexual chemistry from our first meeting, really. He’d come on
to me in the past, and I’d fantasized about what would happen if I
said yes.”

“Fantasizing doesn’t mean that you weren’t
forced. You refused—”

“No, I gave in,” I amended. “I gave him
permission.”

“Did you feel you had a choice, really?” she
asked.

“Not at the time. But when I look back at
what happened, I think I wanted him to take me just the way he did.
I’m a resourceful woman, and I could’ve escaped, but I didn’t.”

“This second-guessing and recrimination is
common in rape cases,” Carol said neutrally. “What happened wasn’t
your fault.”

I looked away from her earnest gaze. “There’s
more to the story.”

“Please continue.”

“I left out a lot of things that Theo can’t
ever know.”

“Such as?’

“That the man who made love to me that day
was the best lover I’ve ever had in my life and most likely the
best one I’ll ever have.”

Carol’s eyes went wide with shock. “Why do
you say that?” she said carefully.

“He was not afraid to say or do anything that
might make the experience better, deeper, more fulfilling for me.
He quoted poetry and sang to me as he touched and kissed me. He
understood that by speaking to me, he could intensify everything I
was feeling with my body. He used not only his body to love me, but
his mind.”

Carol’s face had gone slack, enthralled.
Oddly proud of Devlin’s skill, I continued. “Needless to say, the
experience was amazing. Though I can’t feel much desire on these
drugs, the thought of him still gets my heart racing.”

“Do you know where this man is now?” she
asked throatily. “Are you in contact with him?”

Did she want to contact him herself
?
“Yes. He sends me poetry via e-mail. He sent me cards and some
flowers. He wants me to come to him. I haven’t responded.”

“Given what you’ve just said, why haven’t
you?”

“Because I can’t trust him. I’m not sure that
this other vampire doesn’t just see me as a conquest. Also, I love
Theo, and I don’t want to hurt him. Add to that I’m worried about
turning. I’m not sure this other vampire wouldn’t turn me, if he
decided he wanted to. ”

“You mentioned yesterday that you were
intimate with him more than once, yet what you’ve described seems
to have lasted several hours,” Carol said leadingly.

“Yes. It lasted most of a day.”

“And each time, you enjoyed what was
happening?” Carol said, her face carefully neutral.

“Yes, very much. The last several times, I
was the one who initiated it. Again, I’m wondering now if that was
because I was turning. It was out of character for me to do and say
the things I did. I remember thinking that at the time.”

“You said yesterday that you didn’t want to
be intimate with Danial, only Theo. But from what you’ve just said,
I understand that when it comes to this other man, you’d rather be
with him than Theo; that you would be, if you felt you could trust
him.”

“That’s exactly the way I feel,” I retorted.
“Which is why I know most, if not all, of my feelings for this
other vampire have to stem from my closeness to turning, not from
my real feelings, all his prowess aside.”

“Sar, it isn’t professional to say this. But
I will say it to you, one woman to another. You are right to keep
this encounter secret. Your husband is a jealous and possessive
man, and he could not handle this information, not and continue to
be your husband. If you truly want to remain in your marriage, do
as you have been: do not contact or see this other vampire again,
and keep everything that you’ve told me today to yourself.” Carol
paused. “Have you confided in anyone else?”