Her Secret (19 page)

He glanced at me quickly, his expression
strange. “Why would they want to see me? I’m the replacement you
got for their dead son.”

“Nice, Theo,” I replied with a grimace. “They
want to see me, and they know we’re married. We could have a second
honeymoon, sort of, maybe next summer. Elle could come, and we
could show her some of the sites we spent time at in Wyoming. What
do you think?”

I expected Theo to be excited, but he didn’t
reply right away.

“You don’t want to go,” I said,
crestfallen.

“I feel a little odd about it, that’s all,”
he said finally. “Let me think about it, okay?”

“Sure,” I said, settling back in the seat.
“Take your time. There’s no rush.”

Chapter
Nine

As the last week
before Christmas passed, one thing became crystal clear: my desire
had gone completely.

I’d noticed it waning all through the fall,
as my body slowly went back to normal. But on December
twenty-second, I looked at the world around me, and it no longer
interested me at all. I’d tried my best to make it seem as if
everything was the same for so long, even as I ceased to care less
and less. But my absence of feeling had intensified to the point
now where I couldn’t pretend anymore. Some of that was that I was
tired of pretending. The rest was that I no longer had anything
left to pretend with.

I couldn’t seem to reach my emotions. I
didn’t care about watching the latest episodes of the series I
followed, or even trying to follow them, so I stopped recording
them, deleting the saved episodes I’d stopped watching weeks
before. At first, I’d been the loving wife that Theo expected,
welcoming his advances like always, even though my heart wasn’t in
it. Before long, Theo had felt in my kisses that I didn’t mean
them, and stopped trying to initiate anything. I had once laughed
at jokes Terian told and gossiped with Cia, but now I avoided them
both, and my family, too. I’d used to love walking with Elle,
identifying tracks together in the last non-frigid days of the
year. Now, I just nodded to her, the thought of the snow-engulfed
woods too daunting for me to set foot outside. That might have been
a problem, except my appetite for food had also greatly
diminished.

The only thing I really wanted to do anymore
was sleep. Those last days before Christmas, I admitted it had to
be more than lack of desire that was causing me to act this way; I
had to be depressed. Even if it was only due to the lack of
daylight as Theo surmised, I had to get some help. This was not
good for me, or the people around me.

Dr. Camlyn was less help than I expected.
“This is normal for the winter,” he said with a shrug. “Especially
for what you’re going through. Desire is a large part of a person’s
being. Things will get better, Sar. The virus is almost out of your
system. Only a few more weeks, and then you can go off the
pills.”

“I’m not taking them anymore,” I told him in
what passed for my normal voice these days.

“How long has it been since you went off
them?” he said, concerned.

“Just yesterday,” I said, giving him a
halfhearted smile. “Danial is gone all this week, and most likely
for next week too, traveling. Even if I go to work, no one will be
there who will tempt me. By the time he comes back, I should be
better.”

“Sar, that’s fine. But you shouldn’t go off
them completely cold turkey. Take one every other day, at least for
this week, and then stop taking them.”

I nodded, but told myself I wasn’t going to
do what he suggested. I’d had enough of popping pills.

No one would know. I’d come by myself today,
as Theo had been working out and I hadn’t wanted to bother him. I’d
told Terian where I’d be. He said he would have his phone on, to
call if anything happened and he would “whisk me away.” I managed a
small smile at the memory.

“Sar, everything will be okay.” He put his
hand on my shoulder. “We’re almost there.”

I nodded.

“Come back in a month. I expect to pronounce
you fully better by then. You’ve healed most of your internal
scarring.” He smiled encouragingly. “Babies are in your future, if
you want them.”

I managed a faint smile. “Thanks.”

He left the room, the door shutting softly. I
got dressed, paid my co-pay at the window, and went out to Theo’s
older truck I’d driven today.

As I was driving back, I decided not to
return to Danial’s right away. I went instead to a local park I’d
not visited in a long time. It was the one I’d come to with Danial
more than three years ago.

I parked at the top, near the office, as I
didn’t want another police officer to come and yell at me for
parking in the wrong area. The day was clear and cold, the roads
cleared. Everything was sparkling in the sun. The trees were barren
things, branches black against the pale blue sky.

I called Terian and let him know where I was.
“I’m going for a short walk.”

“Are you all right?”

I said “yes,” though we both knew I was
lying. “I’ll call you if there’s anything out of the ordinary.”

“Okay. I can teleport there if you need
me—”

I hung up on him.

I was worn out, as I’d been feeling lately,
but not cold. I’d dressed in four layers of polar fleece, as a
precaution. I walked along the plowed road slowly for a long time,
looking into the snowy woods. Was this what I wanted, to feel
nothing? To want nothing?

Maybe it would have been okay, if I didn’t
remember that there had been a time when I’d wanted things badly.
Wanted Danial, since the first time I’d seen him. Wanted his love,
his touch, his heart. Wanted Theo, wanted a life with him. Gone
across the country to find him, to tell him I needed him, loved
him. Wanted a child, wanted Danial’s child, a life that I’d helped
create, and shape. Wanted to watch him grow, wanted to see him
become so many things. And in all truth, I had wanted Devlin, just
to have him, to know if he did love me as Danial said that he had.
To know if he would have really welcomed me, if I’d come to him in
Rio.

I felt as though I was so distant from those
feelings that all I could see of them were the words.

Love.

Truth.

Hope.

Passion.

I might have been moved to write a poem, but
I didn’t even feel that badly about what I’d lost, though I knew on
some level that I’d lost something vital, a part of myself that had
disappeared into the snow that surrounded me.

Sure, Dr. Camlyn was right: I’d get well. I
just had to hold on a few more weeks. I told myself I could do it.
I’d been cut off from my emotions before, when Brennan died. I just
had to keep going toward that light at the end of the tunnel.
Darkly, I hoped that the light was the summer sun, not the light of
an oncoming train.

I walked to the edges of the lake. It was
frozen, as it had been that night Danial and I were here. I stepped
on the edges, breaking the ice as I had that night. The ice made
the same cracking sound as it had that night, but it stirred none
of the satisfaction that it had once.

What was I looking to find, coming here after
all this time? Memories? Some kind of sign?

I stood for a while on the shore looking out
at the lake. The wind blew and the cry of a crow echoed across the
trees. I looked for it, but didn’t see it. Everything was still and
clean, the snow glistening in the weak sunlight.

With surprise, I looked up to see heavy white
clouds were rolling in, obscuring the sun. Snow was coming, and
soon. That storm predicted had arrived early.

I began walking quickly back, but the storm
caught me before I was even halfway. A light snow began to fall,
clinging in small flakes to my hair and jacket. I walked through it
and thought that it was rather nice. I wasn’t too cold, and the
flakes were pretty. In fact, it would be beautiful to go into the
woods. All the branches had snow outlines, like a delicate layer of
decorative frosting that sparkled in the weak light. There was that
poem by Frost, about stopping in the snowy woods. These woods
weren’t dark; they were comforting, as if the branches would enfold
me as a lover would, and the snow would cover me as a blanket, and
I would rest beneath the trees...

With a start, I realized I’d begin to wander
off the path. My feet were wet to the ankles, the snow coming
nearly up to my knees. The plowed road was behind me a good twenty
feet.

I went back to it quickly, scared at my odd
behavior. What was I thinking, strolling through the woods with an
approaching storm so close? I had to get my ass home, because by
now Theo would be worried. The snow was coming down harder now, and
my gut was telling me I’d better get on the road as fast as I
could.

By the time I got to the car, I was sweaty,
exhausted, and damp with snow. As I started it up, I called
Theo.

He answered on the first ring. “Sar, where
are you?” he shouted.

“I’m at the park. I’m heading home—”

“You’ve been gone all day! Where have you
been?”

“Theo,” I said, slightly irritated, “I’ve
been here walking. I’ll be there in about an hour.”

“An hour? Sar—!”

I hung up on him, reserving all of my
concentration for the road. Theo called back several, times, but I
let it go to voicemail.

It took me more like an hour and a half to
get home, the slick, fresh snow already several inches deep in
places. When I got home, I parked in the garage next to Theo’s
truck. Theo opened the door in the next moment.

He hugged me tight. “Sar, I was so worried.
Thank God you’re okay.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, hugging him. “I needed
to get away, just for a while.”

“What did Stephen say?” Theo asked. “Terian
said you’d gone to see him. Was it bad news?”

“He said another two weeks, and I should be
back to normal,” I tried to muster a smile.

“Doesn’t that make you happy?” he asked
sharply.

“I don’t feel much of anything about it,
though I know I should be happy.”

“How can you not be happy?” he said, with a
hint of anger.

Not another fight. We’d been fighting a lot
lately, ever since Elle’s recital when I’d gone off with Danial.
Despite we’d made up since then, there seemed to be some
undercurrent making Theo angry. Maybe he’d been angry all along,
and just hid it well. We’d both been pretending so long that things
were okay it was hard to tell. “I don’t know. Why do you have to
yell at me when I just got home?”

“I’m sorry,” he said, hugging me again. “I’m
on edge. I was worried.”

“You shouldn’t have been,” I said, gently
slipping out of his grasp. “Let’s go inside, I’m freezing.” I went
past him, and into the house. I petted both dogs, then went into
the kitchen. “Do you want something to eat?” I said to him, opening
the fridge.

He ran his hands through his hair.

“That’s not an answer,” I said gently.

“I need to leave next week, Sar.”

Just the tone of his voice said loud and
clear that there was more than he was making it seem. “Leave?” I
repeated, not understanding.

He looked at me steadily. “I need to go to
Canada ahead of time to check out everything carefully, make sure
that nothing is left to chance.”

“I thought when we agreed to go, Samuel and
the others guaranteed our safety, at least until we got there. We
were all going together,” I replied tiredly. “What happened?”

“He did say that, but I’m not sure we can
trust him. He never guaranteed Danial’s safety,” Theo said, his
stare still unwavering. “I need to do this.”

I looked into his eyes and knew he was lying
to me. God, this was one time I was glad for my distant emotions.
“When are you leaving?” I said, holding his gaze.

“Monday,” he said. “The day after
Christmas.”

“So you’ll be here for Christmas?” I
asked.

“Sar,” he said softly, coming to put his arms
around me “I’ll be here for Christmas. Elle asked that, when I told
her earlier today. I’ve waited too long to spend a Christmas with
you both to miss one. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

“Good,” I said softly, putting my head on his
shoulder. “This will be our first Christmas together.”

“I know.” He kissed my forehead. “Are you
hungry?”

“No.”

“You should eat,” he said worriedly. “Did you
eat today?”

“I’ll eat later,” I said, pulling him close.
“I want to be with you now, if you want me.”

He groaned, and wrapped his arms around me,
hugging me tightly. But he made no move to kiss me.

Something was very wrong. I’d put him off for
too many days now for him not to be immediately carrying me off to
the bedroom. “What’s wrong? Something is.”

“I love you,” he said suddenly. “I just want
you to know that.”

Tears formed in my eyes, and I blinked them
back. “I love you, too,” I said softly.

He kissed me, and then led me by the hand to
the bedroom. The sex was gentle, as he had been with me lately, as
if he might break me. There was nothing different in the way he
touched me; his caresses were as loving and sincere as they’d
always been. After, he held me possessively, kissing me tenderly,
whispering that things would get better, that the hell we’d been in
for months now was finally ending.

I wanted to believe him, but I was certain
some new problem waited in the wings for us. It had been in Theo’s
eyes when he’d lied to me. Strangely, his secrecy prompted not only
my resolution to help him see it through, but also my affection for
him. Even if the problem was just his alone now, it was going to be
mine eventually. For better or for worse, it was already his and he
was the other half of me.

I held him to me that night, and told him
softly as he slept that I loved him, that I’d always love him, that
if he remembered nothing of this night when he awoke, to remember
that. I didn’t know if he heard me, but I told myself he did,
because thinking that let me sleep finally.