Her Secret (20 page)

* * * *

In the morning, we didn’t speak of his lie as
we ate, nor on the ride to work. But it was in my thoughts as I
climbed the stairs to Danial’s office, and began to sort through
emails.

Per usual, my daily dose of Devlin was
waiting for me on my e-mail. Today’s quote was M. Sangster’s
Forgiven:

And yet if you came back with arms stretched
toward me,

Came back tonight with carefree smiling
eyes,

I would forget the wounded heart you gave
me,

I would forget the bruises on my soul.

My old time gods would rise again to save
me,

My dreams would grow supremely new and
whole,

If you came back, with arms stretched out
before you,

And told me, dear, that you were glad to
come!

I had not responded to his emails for the
last week and a half, nor sent him any. That seemed the easiest
thing to do. No one would be doing jobs over the holidays. But as I
looked at the poem, I grew more and more irritated. I was tired of
his e-mails, his poetry, his endless scheming to get me to fall at
his feet.

I thought for a moment, and then typed a
reply of several lines from Swineburne’s poem Garden of
Proserpine:

I am tired of tears and laughter,

And men that laugh and weep,

Of what may come hereafter,

For men that sow to reap

I am weary of days and hours

Blown buds of barren flowers

Desires and dreams and powers

And everything but sleep.

I hit send, and watched the e-mail
disappear.

I worked a short while longer, then decided
that I was too tired to continue. I shut down the computer, then
went down and spent some time with Theoron. Taking him into Elle’s
room, we napped for an hour on her bed. About two, I got up, and
put him back into his crib. After a quick lunch of canned soup, I
decided to rest on the couch.

Theo came in about four, and woke me up.
“Sar, maybe we should take you back to see Dr. Camlyn,” he said.
“You sleep so much now it worries me.”

No way. I’d have to tell him I’d stopped
taking the pills, and he’d probably make me take them again. I
didn’t want to see another little yellow pill in my life. Plus, I’d
flushed all of mine down the toilet last night as Theo slept.
“Theo, I was just there,” I said, giving him a reassuring smile.
“He checked me out. I’m fine.”

He gave me a dubious look.

“Call him if you want. Most likely, it was
the long walk I took yesterday that tired me out. It’s been a long
time since I walked that far.”

“I’m calling him now,” Theo said. “I want to
hear him say sleeping so much is normal.”

I nodded absently. As he made the call, I
watched the tree lights twinkle merrily, thinking it was good we’d
set it up weeks ago. The ornaments Elle had made were there, and
the spiders we had all made that Christmas. Theo had participated,
confessing later how much he’d enjoyed the trimming. “It was like
that time you and the foxes made that natural tree a few years
ago.”

“You don’t mind we don’t have one at our
house?”

“I’m just happy to be here, not injured or
caged. Everything else is extra.”

I’d held him after he said that, saying
nothing, because there was nothing to say that could take that old
pain away, except years of Christmas trees and knowing he was safe
and loved.

Theo came back. “Sar, you were right. Dr.
Camlyn told me this was normal. But he said I was to make sure you
ate as much as possible. Are you ready to go home?” he said,
holding out his hand. “We can stop for Chinese food.”

I gave him a smile and took his hand. “Take
me home, please.”

As we drove home, the scent of hot Chinese
food permeating the truck cab, I asked Theo about Danial. “Will he
be home for Christmas? He told Elle on the phone yesterday he was
going to try.”

“Probably not. He’s trying his best to get
everything in order, so that when we go to the Gathering all his
open cases are shut.”

“He thinks he might not return, doesn’t he?”
I said watching his face carefully.

“He expects to have to fight for you,” Theo
said reluctantly. “He’d be facing vampires twice his age in the
worst case scenario. It’s rational to expect he might not make
it.”

“What would happen?” I ventured. “Is there
some kind of contingency plan?”

Theo didn’t reply, yet his silence spoke
volumes. Danial was making final preparations.

I couldn’t imagine being without Danial. I
couldn’t imagine being in his house, having everything still exist
here and not have him here to smile at me, to hold Theoron, to be
the friend and partner that he’d become to me. Panic grasped me
hard and fast. “Theo?”

“We’re working on it,” he said seriously. “As
soon as a plan is finalized, I’ll tell you Sar. Trust me.”

I sat back in the seat, tired and scared, and
didn’t reply.

* * * *

The next few days passed quickly.

I received more emails from Devlin, but these
were all work related. I responded to them as best I was able, but
a couple I had to call Danial to ask him the answers. I was glad of
the excuse to call him in any case. He’d been gone now for over two
weeks. Even when he called back, I received only messages because I
was sleeping. Days when I was up, he was sleeping to prepare for
the nights he was putting in. In short, I missed him.

I waited until late in the afternoon, and
dialed Danial’s cell phone. Brian answered on the first ring.

“Hi, Bri. Is Danial awake?”

“Sar, I’m glad this is you,” Brian said,
relieved. “You saved me time tracking you down. Danial wanted me to
wake him early to talk to you before you were sleeping tonight.
Wait just a moment.” There were sounds of him opening a door.
“Sar,” he said.

The door closed. “Sar?” Danial asked
hopefully.

“It’s good to hear your voice. I wanted to
call to make sure you were all right.”

“I’m glad you did. I’m worried about you.
Theo tells me that you are colder.”

That was bizarre. “Stephen didn’t tell me
that. Neither did Theo. When did he tell you?”

“He said he thought your body seemed cooler
to him late last night.”

“I haven’t been any colder that I was. When I
got back from walking yesterday, I was chilled and wet. He’s
probably referencing that. But I’m not sick, or anything.”

“Please eat as much as you can,” he said,
worried. “It’s taking a toll on you, getting the virus from your
system.”

“Danial, don’t blame yourself for this.”

“Sar, Theo’s right on one point: I’m the one
who did this to you.”

“I wanted our child. I wanted to be with you.
I wouldn’t undo it, Danial.”

He sighed. “If only things were easier.”

“Danial, what is going on with Theo? What
prompted his sudden need to go to Canada ahead of us?”

There was silence.

“Danial, tell me.”

“Ask me Monday night, Sar,” he replied. “I’ll
tell you then.”

By that time, Theo would have left. “Tell me
now, Danial,” I said, mustering a little anger. “Why is he going
early? Did you find something out? Are the other Rulers plotting
something?”

“Ask him yourself, Sar. If you ask him point
blank and tell him you know he’s lying, he’ll tell you.”

“So you know he’s lying, too.”

“Yes.”

Danial almost never answered with a single
word.

“Is this another challenge? Is he trying for
the number one spot?”

“No,” Danial said darkly. “He knows he
wouldn’t win. Did you call me to discuss this lie, or for some
other reason? This subject is closed, Sar.”

Angry as I was, when he said those words it
meant no amount of my screaming, pleading, or crying would change
his mind.
Stubborn Ass
. “I called you for direction on a few
questions Devlin posed.”

“Leave them in the inbox. I’ll log in tonight
and answer him directly. Anything else?”

“No, other than to be careful, and we hope
you’re back by Christmas.”

“I will not be. In fact, I’d appreciate it if
you would arrange to stay over that night. Elle and Theoron need as
normal a holiday as possible. They need one loving parent there, at
least.”

While Danial had alluded before to Theo’s
lack of devotion to Elle, he’d never before made it an insult. More
scary, Terian was with Danial, and if he couldn’t teleport home
just for the evening, he had to be dealing with something not only
tough, but very dangerous. “I’ll be there, with Theo or
without.”

“Good,” Danial said, obviously relieved. “I
hope to be home a few days after. Please take care of yourself,
Sweetheart.”

“You, too. Bye.”

I sat with the phone in my hands, wondering
what to do.

Danial and I had messed up when we met. We
should have been friends first, and lovers later, when we knew each
other. We should have tried to bend more for each other, to give
each other more forgiveness. But against the odds, somehow we had
become what we should have been to each other all those years ago,
in every way but the physical: a solid team that was there for each
other, even when it caused us pain.

As for Theo, there was nothing to do but wait
and see where the chips fell.

* * * *

Christmas that year was good, if touched with
somberness. Elle, Theo, and I went to my parent’s house, and opened
presents. Elle loved everything that she got; at least, she acted
as if she did. That went for everyone really, from the statue Theo
had carved of my mother’s favorite cat to the gift certificates I
received. More importantly, we enjoyed each other’s company, and
had a great time.

There was one small glitch: my stepfather got
Theo absolutely smashed on scotch. I was surprised at first, then
slightly amused. But when I saw just how bad Theo was starting to
feel, I’d got him packed into the car, and Elle as well.

Driving to Daniel’s through the clear
December night, I watched glowing stars twinkling above, and
thought to myself even if things weren’t great, they were still
pretty nice.

After I put Theo to bed in Danial’s room, I
stayed up with Elle and Theoron for another hour playing a board
game Danial had given them for Christmas called Peanut Butter and
Jelly. It was an odd game: the point was to make sandwiches before
animals ate parts of them. Elle won, as I kept getting no bread and
too much peanut butter.

I put her and Theoron to bed at nine and then
went in to Theo. As I crawled in bed with him, and held him in my
arms, he stirred slightly. I kissed him very lightly, meaning to
just fall asleep. Instead, he kissed me back, and hugged me.

Amused, I went to give him another kiss. My
lips were almost on his when he said “Tasha.”

I went rigid against him, holding my
breath.

“Tasha,” he murmured again. He kissed me,
groaning softly.

I gently pried myself out of his arms, and
got out of bed. I stood there and watched him move in his sleep,
clearly dreaming of her and he having sex. I was about to lean over
and wake him when he said, “I told you I loved you. I told you I’d
come back. Now we’ll be together.”

I swallowed back bile. Was this what he and I
had looked like caught in the throes of the dream we had shared?
Even if I couldn’t answer that, I now had the answer of where he
was really heading to on Monday. Tonight was the only night this
week he had not changed form into a cougar, and that was probably
only because of all the alcohol in his system.

I went back out to the great room and sat
there for a while, thinking about what to do. Ghost and Darkness,
who had been dozing near the couch, came and sat near me, wagging
their tails hopefully. I petted them, then hugged them.

“He’s leaving me for her,” I told them
softly. “Do you think you could get used to living here again? Ivan
will take you for w-a-l-k-s again.”

They stared at me intently. I gave a smile,
and then lay down on the couch, stretching out. Seeing no walk or
treat was in the offing, both dogs lay back down and went to
sleep.

Cia walked in, startling me. “Sorry,” she
whispered. “Danial asked me to check on Theoron. He had Terian
teleport me in. I’ll be here the same way to feed Theoron tomorrow
morning while you take Theo to the airport.” She produced a parcel.
“He also wanted me to give this to you, if you were still up...um,
by yourself.”

With foreboding, I took her offered package.
“Thanks, Cia.”

“We’ll be outside on duty until dawn,” she
assured. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

When she’d left, I opened Danial’s present.
There was a card with a familiar red velvet box. It showed just a
full moon. Inside he had written:

I love you

Not only for who you are

But for who I am when I am with you.

I love you

For ignoring the possibilities

of the fool in me

And for laying firm hold

of the possibilities for good
.

I love you

Because you have done

More than any creed

To make me happy
.

You have done it

Without a word,

Without a touch,

Without a sign.

You have done it

Just by being yourself

After all

Perhaps that is what

Love means
.

Underneath he had written:

This was not written by me, but a man by the
name of Roy Croft. I wish I had the skill to write words such as
these for you, to sing as my brother does for you, or to be the
knight in shining armor that Theo has been for you. But I do not,
and so I offer you only this: my unconditional love, now and
forever.

Love, Danial