Here at Last (33 page)

“I think I do. I still like to play dress-up," I laughed.

We finished our dinner, and Nicholas insisted on doing dishes so that I could play with Hannah. When
I entered
the living room, she
ran
over to me excitedly. “Can we play now?" she asked.

“I would love that," I told her
squatting down in front of her
. “When you play dress-up, do you
just
wear
fancy clothes, or do you wear makeup, too
?"

She thought for a moment. “Makeup," she said with a smile.

I had no idea whether she'd worn makeup or not before, but I wasn't going to disappoint her now. I rummaged through my purse and pulled out some pink lipstick and a small sampler of eye shadow. I carried them into the bathroom where she followed me, and we closed the door.

“Now," I told her. "When you wear makeup, you
have to be sure that your face
is clean. So
let’s
wash your face
first
."

She stood on a little chair by the sink and dispensed a couple of squirts of her fruit punch soap on
to
her hands before smearing it all over her face.

“Excellent!" I said. "Now, rinse it
all
off."

When she
had
finished, I handed her a towel, and she wiped her face with it. I asked her to sit down on the toilet lid, which she did without hesitation, and I showed her my pink lipstick.

“Isn't that pretty?" I asked.

Hannah giggled.
“Yeah.”

“Have you ever worn lipstick before?"

She shook her head.

“Okay. I'll show you how
to put it on
.” I asked her to separate her lips slightly, and I traced the contours of
her
upper and lower lips
with
the
pointed
edge of the lipstick before
filling
in
the rest of her lips
with color
.
Then, I suggested that she get up on her chair and look at herself in the mirror to see if she liked it.

When she saw her own reflection, she
smiled broadly
.
“Yeah! I want to go show
Daddy
," she said.

“Don't you want to wear some eye
shadow first?" I asked.

Smiling
brightly
, she
nodded her head. I showed her the colors
in
the sampler, and she selected purple and green. I washed the tiny applicator with the antibacterial soap before rinsing it thoroughly and patting it dry. “It's important to keep all of your makeup tools very clean," I told her.

S
he nodded
quite seriously
.
Very carefully, I lined the outside of her eyelashes with green and put purple on her eyelids.
Hannah looked
spectacular
and
was eager to
step
back up on
to
her chair and
admire
herself in the mirror.

“Oh!” she squealed in delight.

I heard Nicholas walking down the hallway and stopping outside the door. “Can I come in?" he asked, a smile in his voice.

Hannah turned to look at me. 

“Almost!” I said, taking the scarf off from around my neck and wrapping it over her head.
Then, I remembered that Rachel had probably lost her hair during chemo treatments
for her leukemia
. Since she m
ight
have worn a scarf or something else on her head, I thought better of it and wrapped
it
around
Hannah’s neck, throwing the ends back over her shoulders
with panache
.
She turned back to the mirror and squealed again.

“Okay," I said. "Come on in."

Nicholas slowly opened the door and found himself face to face with Hannah, his purple, green, and pink daughter, who was standing on a chair in front of him wrapped in
a
scarf.

“
Wow!” he exclaimed.

“Daddy, you should play dress-up with us."

He smiled. “You look beautiful!" he told her,
reaching for her and
taking her into his arms. She threw her leg
s
up over his hips, and he held her to him. “So beautiful," he said softly, closing his eyes.

A moment later, she wriggled out of his arms and ran down the hall to her bedroom to find some dress-up cloth
e
s to try on.
Nicholas and I moved into the living room where we sat together on the sofa. For the next forty minutes, Hannah
model
ed
different outfits for us
while we complemented her on how fabulous she looked.

After the sixth time, Nicholas looked at his watch.
“Hannah,
it's almost
8 o'clock. It’s time for bed.”

She looked crestfallen until I told her that I would show her how to
remove
her makeup. She dressed for bed and returned a few moments later where we walked hand-in-hand down the hallway to the bathroom.

"I wish I didn't have to go to bed
,
”
she said.

I ran my hand over her hair. “I'll just have to come back and play with you one day when you have more time," I told her.

She smiled, and I urged her
to stand
up
on
her chair
and
face herself in the mirror.
Using a small black container of LUSH eye cream that I kept in my purse,
I
dabbed a little on a tissue and gently wiped the shadow from Hannah’s eyelids. Then, I
found a clean washcloth and ran it under warm water
, softly wiping away any residue of cream from her lids before washing the rest of
her face
with soap
. She
was careful not to get any
soap in her eyes, and we rinsed her face while she blew bubbles
over
the sink. Nicholas appeared in the doorway. Standing quietly, he watched as I dried her face and neck before turning her loose for bed.

Hannah reached for his hand, and they walked down the hallway
and into
her bedroom as she chattered about what bedtime story she wanted him to read to her. I turned and walked back down toward the quiet of the living room.
I’d
nearly made it to the sofa when Nicholas
walked
back
down the hallway and said, "Hannah would like you to read her story."

I was deeply touched, and I could tell that he was, too. “Sure," I said softly
and walked toward him, and we held
hand
s
as we walked down the hallway together
and into
Hannah’s room.

By the time we reached
her
bed, she was in full director mode. "Sophia, I want to
you to read
me
this
bo
ok, a
nd
Daddy's
going to read this one," she said, pointing to her
two favorite books
–
Where the Wild Things Are
and
Goodnight Moon
.

I laughed. "Okay. Which do you want first?"

“That one,” she said, pointing to
Where the Wild Things Are
. I sat
on the bed
beside her and read the book, making it as
exciting as I possibly could. Ou
t of the corner of my eye, I saw Nicholas wipe at one of
his eyes with his shirt sleeve. While Hannah was engaged in her book, I reached over and squeezed Nicholas’s knee. We made eye contact, and he nodded and looked away.

A few minutes later, I finished reading Hannah's boo
k, and it was Nicholas's turn. When h
e sat down on the other side of her bed
and began to read
,
Hannah looked up at him. "Daddy,
why are
you
crying
?"

I glanced up at him, and he closed
his
eyes. “He's okay, Hannah. He's just had a really long day, and he's tired," I told her. “It's probably past his bedtime, too
.”

She nodded. "He gets tired a lot."

“Well,”
I shrugged. “I know that you are the light of his life, and that's a fact."

Hannah beamed. “He's a good daddy."

“I’ll bet he’s a great daddy," I told her.

Nicholas got up and left the room.

“
Do you want me to
read your other book to you Hannah?” I asked. She nodded, and I proceeded to read
Goodnight Moon
.
B
efore I was done,
however,
she
had fallen asleep
. I picked her books up and put them on a dresser across the room before tiptoeing out and pulling the door closed behind me.

I found Nicholas sitting back on the sofa in the living room. He opened his eyes when he heard me coming.

I
walked
over and sat
down
beside him. “
Are you okay?"

He slid his arm over my shoulder and rubbed his eyes with his other hand. Shaking his head, he said, "I blew it."

"No," I told him. "You didn't blow it. She's a smart little girl. I have a feeling this isn't the first time she
’s
seen you cry."

He nodded. "You may be
right."

I leaned into his chest, and he wrapped his other arm around me and kissed my head. “Sophia, thank you for ever
ything you did tonight.”

"I really enjoyed it. She's a wonderful little girl, Nicholas. You’ve done a great job with her."

“She
i
s
a great kid
,” he said
.
“
I don't deserve her
.
"

“
I
n
the
little
time that I've seen you together, I know
that
you're a
wonderful
father. You need to stop being so hard on yourself."

H
e
shook his head
. "I'm just tired."

"Then you'l
l be ready for our vacation," I reminded him.

A smile crept across his face. “
T
en days
and counting
."

“You sound like you're looking forward to it," I teased.

He nodded and looked at me. “I'm looking forward to leaving our lives behind a
nd spending time together, just the two of us.
"

I
turned
toward him
,
and we kissed. Slowly, I reached my hand underneath
his
sweater
and up his
bare chest
.

He placed his hand over his sweater
to feel
my hand running over his chest underneath it
and
closed his eyes, pulling me to him.
Then, he said,
"Come on."

I followed him down the hallway and into his bedroom where he closed and locked the door.
He undressed
both of us
and led me to the bed where
w
e proceeded to make love.
It was sweet and tender.
Resting in his arms
afterward
, I realized that I would have to leave soon. I couldn't
spend the night
as
I had when Hannah had been away for the holidays.

He sense
d
what I was thinking. "It won't always be this way," he said. "I promise you that. I'll make
sure that we have
time
together
."

"I'm just happy that we
’
re together now
,
" I
said looking
up at him
,
"
and
I'm happy that you found me. I don't know what would
ha
ve happened if you hadn't come to me in my dreams
or walked into me that day
."