Here For You (19 page)

Once home, I applied an ice pack to my jaw. I couldn’t help but think about Becca and her stupid ass message again. I couldn’t focus at work, eventually telling Jim I needed to leave because I wasn’t feeling well. He asked about my face but I didn’t want to talk about that either. My stomach was being twisted and knotted and I didn’t know why. It felt like I was nervous or something. But for what?

Juliana tried calling a few times, but honestly, I didn’t want to talk to her. She probably wanted to talk about her jobs and how many fucking pictures she took today. Any other day I would listen and nod but I didn’t want that shit right now. I sent her a quick text, telling her I had mad shit on my mind and I wanted to sleep. Of course, she got all bitchy, saying I wasn’t sick yesterday and asking if this had anything to with Becca. I didn’t bother to text her back.

Lying in bed, I debated whether I should text Becca or not. I couldn’t imagine what she was going through. Probably the same thing I’d be feeling if my mom was in that same situation. We loved our parents so much. I doubted we could live without them in our lives.

Fuck it.

Getting out of bed, I grabbed a few shirts from my dresser, throwing them in my backpack along with a couple of shorts. It was 9:35pm so I sent Jim a quick text.

Me: Yo Jim, I have to go to Becca’s, her dad is really sick. I’m leaving right now so I won’t be at work tomorrow or the next, which gives u a perfect opportunity to train that new supervisor we hired. Thanks man, and sorry, but I have to do this. (9:36pm)

Throwing the bag over my shoulder, I left my room and banged on Paul’s door. He didn’t answer so I walked right in. He popped up from the bed as the door swung open. Luckily he had his blanket over him. What I didn’t know was that he was here with someone. She sat up with no blanket on, her boobs were out in the open and her hair was everywhere. I turned to Paul.

“What the fuck, dude?” he moaned.

“Yo, I’m headed out. I’ll call you in the morning.” I closed the door behind me but two seconds later he opened it.

“What the fuck do you mean? You’re headed out? Where?” Fucking, mother hen.

“Becca’s dad is in the hospital. I’m going to stay with my mom for a few days to make sure things are okay. I feel like a dick for throwing her out the other morning.”  Paul didn’t know that Becca had said her father was dying before she’d left. I think if he knew, he’d have kicked me in the balls for letting her leave.

I was by the door now. “I’m sorry about that, dude. Let her know I send prayers her way.”

“Go back to bed, bro.”

becca

Dirt. Grave. Headstone.

But instead of my dad, it was me in the ground. It was
me,
or someone who looks like me, just older.

Bang, bang, bang.

I awoke from my slumber and glancing at the clock. It read 1:34am. Great, I had to be at work at 8:00am and I felt like I’d only just gotten to sleep. Thank goodness I had woken up from that crazy dream though. Laying my head back down, I ran my hands down my face. I could’ve sworn I’d heard something.

Fuck, I wished my dad were there so I didn’t have to go downstairs. I had a bat next to my door so I grabbed it, holding it tight and rubbing my eyes to wake me up properly.

Bang, bang, bang.

As I quietly made my way down the stairs I could see someone pacing back and forth through the curtains. When I got closer to the door I lifted onto my tippy-toes to see who was there, but there was no one. Squinting left and right, I saw nothing. Then, all of a sudden, a face appeared. It scared the shit out of me, making me scream and drop the bat.

Bang, bang, bang.

“Becca, are you okay?”

Was that James’ voice?

Peeking through the hole again, I saw James standing there in front of my door. I shouldn’t have called him. Damn my dad, and damn myself for listening to his ass. I put the bat down and opened the door slightly.

“James,” I said, but it came out more of a question.

“Are you okay? You were screaming.”

My eyes adjusted to the bright light outside as I opened my front door wider. “No, I’m not okay. You’re banging on my door at one thirty in the morning.”

Running his hands through his hair, he said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I mean, I’m sorry for everything. I should have listened to you, or tried to listen, or went after you when you said… I’m…”

Seeing James look like a lost puppy, I couldn’t force him to stay outside for long. I opened the door all the way, inviting him in. There goes my sleeping. I was going to be so exhausted when I got to work later. He looked me up and down, making me look down at myself. I was wearing my snoopy shorts with a black tank top. Thank goodness I’d left my sports bra on.

He walked into the house, dropping his backpack by the door.

“I didn’t leave you that message so that you’d come here,” I told him, walking to the kitchen. Since I was up, I’d need some water so that I could try to keep myself awake long enough for him to go.

He followed me into the kitchen. “I know, but after listening to it I needed to say I‘m sorry in person. And that I’m sorry for not going after you once you left. I heard what you said, but I was at a loss for words.” He put his head down.

Placing my glass cup on the counter, I turned toward him. He was leaning by the fridge, still looking at the floor with his hands in his pocket. “It’s not that fucking easy, James. ‘Oh hey, James, my fucking dad is in the hospital and he’s dying and I need you’. No.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“I get it, stop saying that you’re sorry.” I was so sick of that word already. Finishing my water, I placed the cup in the sink and walked right by him to the living room. I sat on the couch, avoiding my father’s recliner. Leaning my head back, I closed my eyes. “You can visit him tomorrow. I’ll be at work so it’s a perfect time. I don’t know what time they’re going to amputate his leg but I’m sure someone will call tomorrow.”

“You won’t be there.” It came out more of a statement then a question.

“No, I won’t. I’ll be working from eight ‘til seven in the evening. I took some overtime for the week since I haven’t been in work for the past few days.”

‘I need my sleep,’ I kept repeating in my head.

“Oh,” was all he said.

I stood up, wiping my eyes with my hands. “I really need sleep, James. I’ll write the information down for you. You can see him in the morning or whenever you want.” I was going to walk by him but he blocked me. I looked at him, like, really looked at him. He looked tired, his eyes bloodshot, and I thought he could do with a shower.

“Are you not going to talk to me again?”

Ouch.

I moved him slightly out of the way. There were sticky pads on the fridge along with a pen, so taking one of each, I wrote down the information for him. Turning back around, I found him in the same spot I’d moved him to. I handed him the paper. “Look, James, I can’t register shit right now. I haven’t had a decent sleep in…I don’t know how long, and I have to be at work in a few hours. Can we talk about all this shit later?” I hoped he’d say yes, but even if he said no, I didn’t care. I was going to sleep. Or I was going to try to. I probably wouldn’t be able to anymore but I needed to play it off.

Him being here right now was something I hadn’t expected. I called him two days ago and he hadn’t responded to my message. Nothing. Maybe he was thinking about what to do, but I knew I didn’t want him here now. If the only reason he came was because of the message then I wished I’d never left it in the first place. I wanted him to be here because he wanted to be, not because of something I’d said.

He just turned around and walked upstairs toward my room.

“Hey, where are you going?” I followed him. I didn’t want him in my room. I just wanted to sleep.

He stopped at the top of the stairs. “Let’s go to sleep then.”

“I’m serious, James, I’m exhausted.”

He reached for the doorknob, swinging the door open. “I’m serious too,” he said, walking in.

I ran up the stairs and stopped in front of my room. “Get out of my room.” I was so not in the mood to play right now. I was going to cry if I didn’t get some shuteye.

“No.”

“Last time I checked this is my room, my house. You can’t say no.”

He walked up to my bed and sat down. “I remember once that you told me you slept great when I was here, sleeping along side you.”

“Oh my goodness, James, that was a long time ago.” I couldn’t believe he remembered that shit. I was just a girl crushing on him, on my older best friend, back then. “I’m a woman now. I can sleep in my bed
alone.”

“Come on, I don’t want to argue. We’re both tired and spent. Let’s just sleep.”

I couldn’t help but throw my hands in the air in defeat. “Look, I’m seriously going to cry. Stop playing games with me.” I was on the verge of tears. If I knew that the message would bring him here at this time then I would never have called him.
Ugh
. I bowed my head. I felt a headache coming.

“Becca, are you okay?” I felt his hands on my wrist.

“I’m fine. I’m just tired, James.” My head was still to the floor. Opening my eyes a little, I could see his black boots.

“Come to bed.” He was really serious. This was no game.

“James, you…can’t,” I sighed.

“And why is that?”

“Because you have a girlfriend.”

“We’re not doing anything. Besides, this is something we used to do all the time, even when you had a boyfriend. You’re my best friend.” He was dragging me toward the bed now.

He was stronger than I was now, well, he had always been stronger than me but right now I was super weak. Beyond weak. What’s weaker then weak? Whatever it is, that was me. I didn’t fight anymore, I just followed him. I crawled into bed as he laid himself down.

“Come here,” he said. I didn’t want to get closer but I needed him at this point in my life. I needed that
.

So I climbed into his warm embrace. His chin was resting on my head, my arms around him, holding him as tight as I could. Damn, I missed him so much. I didn’t know why I thought that not talking to him was the smart thing to do.

“James?”

“Yeah, Becca.” He was rubbing my back, tracing little invisible circles on my skin.

“I’m sorry.” My eyes were getting heavy, and soon the darkness would take over.

“I know. I am too.” I felt his lips on the top of my head. I wanted to call him an asshole, but everything was heavy. “But, I’m here for you.”

chapter -11

james

I could barely sleep as Becca lay in my arms. Damn, I was feeling like such a fucking dick. How could I do that to her? I let my own emotions cloud my judgment. And Paul’s dumbass didn’t help the situation either, planting that Grey shit in my head. I needed to ask her what had happened with them. Last time I’d actually spoken to her she’d said that they were doing great, spending a lot of time together and going out. That was before all this shit had happened.

I had to text Juliana in a few hours. I sent her a text really quickly before I left my place and told her briefly what had happened and where I was going. I didn’t know if she would be very happy about it or not. She had a big show tomorrow and here I was. That was something Becca and I hadn’t talked about; me dating. But I was sure it would come up soon enough. Actually, I was pretty sure she’d figured it out back at my apartment.

I heard whimpering coming from Becca. I couldn’t make out exactly what she was saying but she was frowning, probably thinking about all the shit that had been happening to her. I didn’t know why she hadn’t contacted me? Why didn’t she call me to tell me what was happening? She would be the very first person I’d call if something like that happened to me. Fuck, there were just too many questions that I didn’t have the answers to. But when was the right time to ask? I needed to ask her about her voicemail when she said something about me being ‘her reality’.

I couldn’t believe everything that had been going on. I remembered when her dad first had the accident at work she had been very upset. It must have been over a year ago now. But with that behind her and Larry, I thought everything was okay now. For this to come out of nowhere was fucking tragic. Larry was a great guy and I knew how much Becca loved him, I couldn’t imagine him dying. He’d had diabetes for quite some time. I didn’t know much about gangrene but if he was dying then it obviously wasn’t good.

“James?” she whispered.

“Yes, Becca?” I replied, but after a few seconds she hadn’t answered. “Becca?”

Leaning forward a little, I could see her eyes were still closed. She must have been talking in her sleep or something. I wondered what she was thinking about? I also wondered about tomorrow, but before I could complete a thought I started to feel my eyes getting heavy and I’d drifted off to La-La land.

*

Noise, after noise, after noise was waking me up. An annoying fucking beeping. I felt a warm body nestled into mine. Turning my head, I saw Becca, which startled me a little before I realized where I was. I turned my head to the left and right to release the pop in my neck before looking over to her nightstand. The clock read 9:45am. I reached over to silence the alarm. Damnit, she said she had to be at work but by the looks of it she was beyond exhausted and there was no way she was going to make it. Getting off the bed, trying not to wake her, I grabbed both of our phones and went downstairs.

First, I rang her job and told them that she was not feeling well and that she’d give them a call when she got up. They totally understood, stating that she could take her time. They’d heard about her dad in the hospital and were pretty kind about it. Next, I grabbed my phone and sent a text to Juliana. She should have been up. She would get up really early for make-up and wardrobe.

Me: Hey baby, I wrote u last nite. I’m at Becca’s, back at my old neighborhood. Her dad is really sick. I’m going to visit him at the hospital later. Just wanted to let u know. Hope u have a good day, wish I could’ve been there. (10:01am)

Juliana: Oh no, I’m so sorry. Send my condolences. I miss you already. Hurry back soon. (10:02am)

After placing my phone on the kitchen table I made my way to the fridge. I saw there were eggs, bacon, sausage and bread for toasting, so that’s what I was going to make. It seemed like she hadn’t been eating right; her cheekbones were more visible and her boobs were a tad smaller. Naturally, those were the first things I noticed on a woman.

My phone made a noise, stating I had another text message.

Asshole: Hey son, it’s me, dad again. I really want to talk to you. I need to clear some stuff up. I spoke to your mother and she said you would talk to me but I haven’t heard from you yet. Call or text soon. Love you, son (10:38am)

I deleted the message and put my phone in my back pocket.

I’d just finished up when I heard the toilet flush upstairs. Quickly, I grabbed some plastic plates and dumped the food I’d made for us on them before setting them on the table. After pouring some orange juice into cups I settled them on the table too and waited for her to come downstairs. Not even two seconds later, she stepped into the kitchen.

“Good morning, sunshine,” I said, trying to lighten up her day.

She just looked at me like I had gone crazy before sitting at the table. “I thought you left?”

She didn’t seem to be in a good mood. “Nope. Just came downstairs to get some food in our bellies.” She took a sip of her orange juice, but wasn’t touching her food. “Are you going to eat?” I asked her.

She was wearing the same clothes from last night. Her hair was up in a bun like she didn’t care about it, and her shoulders were slumped. Her eyes were still tired, and you could see the storm brewing in there. I didn’t know if it was toward me or because of everything that was going on in her life, or...both.

She didn’t answer me. She just shrugged.

“What does that mean?” I said, mimicking her movement with my shoulders. “You have to eat. You look like you haven’t eaten a good meal in days.” There. I’d said it.

“Fuck you,” she spat. I guess I deserved that. “You don’t get to come here being all nice and shit, trying to make me eat food. What are you going to do, tell me everything will be fine?”

This is so not how I saw the morning panning out. But if it was an argument she wanted, then it was an argument she’d have. But first, I’d try the nice way for once.

“Just eat your food then we can talk.” I finished the last of my eggs while she still had her whole plate full.

“You eat it. I don’t want it. Besides, I’m late for work.” She stood up from the table and turned around.

“I already called your job and told them that you weren’t coming in.”

She stopped mid-way. Her shoulders were tense now. “You did what?”
Here comes the attitude.

“You were sleeping. You barely slept last night. And they were pretty happy and understanding that you couldn’t make it in.” There was no reason for her to get all pissed and shit.

“You had no fucking right, James!” She turned around and the glare that came from her would have had grown ass men running, but not me. She was just upset and trying to distract herself with everything going on, and since I was the only one here of course she’d lash out at me. I didn’t help though, kicking her out of my house. She was still sore about that. That was just something else to add to her shitty life right now.

I stood up and walked toward her, stopping in front of her. “Of course I had a fucking right. I wasn’t going to let you go to work. You’re tired, you barely slept at all last night, you need your rest,” I explained, remembering all the tossing and turning she kept doing, not to mention the whimpers coming from her.

She let out a small sarcastic giggle. “Oh, now you fucking care, right?”

“Are you kidding me right now?” I ran my hand through my hair to calm myself down. I was running on about four hours sleep, I didn’t need this shit. “You’re the one who didn’t talk to me or try to make contact for over a month. How the fuck was I supposed to know what was going on?”

“Oh, here we go with this shit again.” She lifted her hands in the air before crashing them to her side.

“No, Becca, we never fucking went there!” Now I was shouting. “Just talk to me, like you should’ve done from the beginning.”

All I wanted her to do was talk, to talk and tell me what she was thinking. What she was feeling and why.

“Just go back to your girlfriend.” She tried to go upstairs but I grabbed her by the wrist. She was not running from me.

She tried to pull her arm away but I wasn’t in the mood to just let her go like nothing was happening. This was serious shit and if she didn’t talk about it she would fucking blow. “TALK TO ME, BECCA!”

“I DON’T WANT TO!” She kept struggling, tiring herself out, but I never loosened my grip. “GET THE FUCK OFF ME, JAMES!”

“Calm down.” I was trying to make her stop the crazy lady act but she kept at it. She was trying to kick me, catching me on the knee. “THAT’S IT, YOU NEED TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT!” I yanked her harder toward me until her back slammed against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her as she started to wiggle, trying to free herself. There weren’t that many steps so I hurried up the stairs. She continued to try and kick me, failing miserably because she was losing her wind. But for a small chick she was fucking feisty. After kicking the door open to the bathroom, I took one hand from around her to turn the shower on while still holding onto her with my other hand. I was starting to get tired. I needed to get this over with and fast.

“DONT’ YOU FUCKING DARE, JAMES! GET OUT!” That’s all I heard as I lifted her off the floor and climbed into the shower with her. “STOP! IT’S COLD!” She was screaming as the water hit the top of her head.

She kept trying to wiggle away from me, but the water just made her slip. If I hadn’t been holding onto her she would’ve fallen in the tub. I turned her around so she was facing me.

Then she stopped.

She stopped trying to fight.

She stopped trying to get away.

Then she started to cry.

The water was hitting her back, making her brown hair stick to her face. Her tears mixed with the drops cascading down her porcelain face. She was broken and lost, not knowing what to do.

I didn’t know what to do either.

She wrapped her arms around me, gripping the back of my shirt and tugging it, sobbing on my chest. I could feel her nails digging into my back as she held on tighter. Her tears were warm against the coldness around us. She started to shake, whether from the shower or the crying, I didn’t know, but I just held her tighter. I didn’t know how long we were in the shower but we eventually slid to the bath floor. The water was still hitting us and her face was still buried in my chest. But I knew she had to talk.
She
knew she had to talk.

I gently grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back a little. She didn’t look at me, she just lowered her head, letting her hair cover her face. Letting go of her arms, I slipped my hand between her curtain of hair and placed my fingers under her chin. Slowly, I started to lift her face.

Thank goodness she went along with it. Her hair was still sticking to her cheeks as she faced me. I reached over, putting it behind her ear.

Her beautiful face was now red; shiny red nose, red cheeks, even her lips were red and trembling. Her eyes were bloodshot from all the crying and lack of sleep she had been getting. This was not my Becca. Did she look like this when she came to my apartment? Did I send her out with her looking like this?

“Becca?” I whispered. The water was still hitting us. I knew we had to get out. “I’m going to stand you up so we can get out. Are you ready?”

She nodded as her whole body shook. Hooking my arms under her armpits, I stood her up and reached over to shut the water off. Stepping out first, I grabbed a towel off the rack and wrapped it around her. She was still shaking and I knew now it was from being in the cold water for so long. I tried to create some warmth as I rubbed my hands up and down her arms quickly for about five minutes. The shivers lessened. Since her room was down the hall I placed my hands on her back and urged her forwards.

“Sit down,” I told her, putting a blanket I’d found on the bed so she didn’t get her sheets wet. I grabbed a t-shirt and some sweatpants and tossed them next to her. “Get dressed. You’re soaking. I’ll turn around, okay?”

I turned around and heard her undressing. Everything in me told me to look, but I wasn’t that guy. Not right now anyway. Minutes passed before I heard her pull back the bed sheets. “All set?” I asked and got a grunt in response.

I turned back around and found her lying down on the bed with one arm tucked under the pillow. I wanted to ask her so many questions but the only one that came out was, “Are you okay?” I was starting to sound like a broken record. I sat on the chair she had by the computer and rolled it closer to her. She just looked at me like she was someplace else.

I knew how it felt for someone to die that you loved. It happened with my grandmother, Rose. She’d helped us when Asshole had left. Rose was his mother, so I was surprised when she chose us instead of her son. Anyway, we were really close and I wish we’d had more time to spend together. Her homemade chicken noodle soup was amazing.

One night, she simply died in her sleep.

I was the one to discover her when I’d tried to wake her up the next day. I’d lost an angel that day and I was in hell, but my mother was right by my side through the whole thing. This thing with Becca was different. Becca knew beforehand that the person she loved with all her heart was dying and very soon. Becca wouldn’t have anyone. She wouldn’t have her mother like I’d had mine. Who the hell knew where her mom was, anyway? So how did I comfort her like my mother did for me? I didn’t know, but I was here for her at least.