He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (28 page)

index

abandonment:

affairs, 48–49

devastation of, 34–35

analgesic effect of, 120

fear of, 2, 18

and anger, 113–15

abstinence, 67, 204–5

as catalyst for change, 31

abuse, background of, 35, 155–56

and divorce, 31, 205

acceptance:

emotionally disposable,

of ED, 139–40

18–19

of one’s partner, 136

excitement of cheating, 30

social, 56

fantasies of, 209

addiction:

infidelity rate, 49

to computer use, 149–50

revelation of, 31

impulse control disorder, 154

of women, 203–4, 205

overuse of word, 154

affection, search for, 205

to porn, 41, 113, 149–50,

age, 27, 47

153–56

alcoholism, 35, 112, 113, 127–28

adultery, and fantasies, 152

Amato, Paul, 197

adventurousness (sexual), 85–97

andropause, 189

and enthusiasm, 94–96

anger, 1–2, 20–22, 101–17

and feedback, 92–94

anxiety covered up by, 104

meanings of term, 85, 88–90

and apathy, 116–17

men vs. women responding,

and communication, 109, 110–12

97–100

and criticism, 2, 20–21, 38–39,

multiple partners, 99–100

101–2

and oral sex, 90–92

as defense against intimacy, 105–6

and positions, 96–97

and depression, 24

238

index

anger (
continued
)

alleviating, 19–20

destructiveness of, 103–5, 138

changing positions, 96–97

and end of sexuality, 57

partners “not adventurous,” 85–96,

at himself, 107–8

97–100

inability to express, 109

of predictable sex, 17

and infidelity, 113–15

of routine, 20

justifiable, 112–13

Boy Scout Manual, 82

and martyrdom, 86

brain chemicals, 18, 20, 116,

passive-aggressive, 105–6

120–24

at trivialities, 38, 39

Brokeback Mountain
(film), 177

unexpressed, 109–10

Browne, Joy, 146

withholding sex as punishment, 104,

Bruch, Hilde, 165–66

113–16

anorgasmia, 121

carbohydrates, 165

antidepressants, 24, 37–38, 69, 72,

Casablanca
(film), 180

121–24

Cash, Hilarie, 154

anxiety, 23, 104, 137, 165

celibacy, 67, 204–5

apathy, 116–17

change of life, 135

asexuality:

cheating, excitement of, 30

and HSDD, 26–27

children:

and ISD, 26

communicating about,

as relief for women, 50, 73, 98

75–76

see also
low libido

procreation, 11, 61

attachment, 17, 18

staying together for, 197–200

attractiveness, physical, 27, 46–48, 164

traumas of, 155–56

authority figure, spouse as,

Cialis, 131–32, 143–44

105–6

cocaine, 58

AVEN (Asexuality Visibility and

Comfort, Alex, 84

Education), 186

commitment:

Avenue Q
(musical), 146

anger as defense against, 105–6

fear of, 159

Bach, George, 119

communication:

bell curve, 190–91

about children, 75–76

Bergen, Candice, 135

of anger, 109, 110–12

birth control pills, 69–70

criticism in, 97

BMI (body mass index), 163–64

feedback, 92–94

body image:

honest, 65–66

perceived, 168

of hostility, 110

society’s focus on, 164

and listening, 2, 21, 213–14

body mass index (BMI), 163

need for, 211

Bogaert, Anthony, 186

reluctance to engage in, 6, 109

Bordo, Susan, 134–35

companionship, 56, 59, 62

boredom, 16–20, 81–100

computers,
see
Internet

index

239

control:

ED (erectile dysfunction), 42–45, 68–72,

battle for, 171–72

125–44

and criticism, 96, 104

alternative paths for, 134

need for, 2, 96, 102, 112

causes of, 58

Coolidge effect, 150–51, 160

and depression, 57

Cooper, Al, 154

and Internet porn, 157

corpora cavernosa, 127

and male identity, 43, 45, 129, 130–31,

crisis, effects of, 115, 116

134

criticism:

medical diagnosis of, 63

and anger, 2, 20–21, 38–39, 101–2

medications for, 126, 129, 131–34,

in communication, 97

143–44

and control, 96, 104

men speaking up about, 139–40

as excuse to avoid sex, 106

as multidimensional, 136–39

as mask for insecurity, 107

number of cases, 126

cruelty, 170

and self-confidence, 132–33, 140

and sexual intimacy, 134–36

“date night,” 28, 212

shame as result of, 128–29

Davis, Michele Weiner, 184

ego, male, 139

dependency, fear of, 35

Eid, J. Francois, 130

depression, 23–24, 118–24

Einstein, Albert, 17

antidepressants, 24, 37–38, 69, 72,

ejaculation:

121–24

inhibited, 58, 143

causes of, 120–21, 165

premature (PE), 140–42

effects on libido, 119

rapid (premature), 140–42

and end of sexuality, 57

retarded, 58, 143

and fatigue, 29

embarrassment, fear of, 6, 15, 23, 72,

and impotence, 71–72

130, 137, 157, 213

paradox of sex and, 119–20

Epp, Janice, 90, 109, 150

symptoms of, 118–19

erectile dysfunction,
see
ED

and testosterone, 189

erection:

underreported cases of, 119

expectation of, 23, 126

diabetes, 23, 35, 127

how it occurs, 126–27

differentiation, 19

and male identity, 130–31, 134

DINS (dual income, no sex), 28

obstacles to, 127–28

disappointment, 20

and orgasm, 157

divorce:

erotica, 25–26, 98

and affairs, 31, 205

extramarital affairs,
see
affairs

considering, 3, 202

reasons for, 196, 200–202

failure:

Dole, Bob, 126

fear of, 137

dopamine, 120, 122, 124

perception of, 130–31

drug dependency, 35, 58, 112, 121, 128

persistent, 128–29

dual income, no sex (DINS), 28

preordained, 95

240

index

fantasies:

expectations of, 66

as adultery, 152

sexless, 64–68

of affairs, 209

“honeymoon” stage, 17

of aggressive partners, 95–96

hormones, 18, 124, 164

changing over time, 153

hostility, 110

gender differences in, 183

HSDD (hypoactive sexual desire

His Secret Life,
153

disorder), 26–27, 183–85, 187–88

and Internet porn, 16, 147–60

hydrotherapy centers, 83

Farrell, Warren, 130

hypertension, 23

fatherhood, 56, 74–75, 78

hypoactive sexual desire disorder

fatigue, 28–29

(HSDD), 26–27, 183–85, 187–88

feedback, 92–94

hysteria, 83

fellatio, 90–92

feminist movement, 83–85

identity:

fidelity:

erection as basis of, 43, 45, 129,

and celibacy, 204–5

130–31, 134

and marriage, 48–49, 205–6

maintaining, 19

Fisher, Helen, 17–18, 24, 123

and male ego, 139

Fitzgerald, Della, 16, 23–24, 152

sexuality as basis of, 22, 37, 45

Fitzgerald, Max, 16, 152

implant surgery, 134

food, comfort, 165, 166–67

impotence, 23

freedom, expression of, 55

blaming himself for, 115

Friedman, David M., 129

blaming wife for, 169–70

Friedman, Jerry, 163

and depression, 71–72

Friedman, Richard A., 189

fear of, 134

friendships, lifelong, 181

and male identity, 43, 45

frigidity, 130

and medications, 23–24, 58, 68, 70, 72

and obesity, 164

Gambescia, Nancy, 103, 109, 153, 168, 177

refusal to discuss, 43

gays,
see
homosexuality

see also
ED

guilt, passion killed by, 152

impulse control, 41

impulse control disorder, 154

Hacker, Andrew,
Mismatch,
148

In and Out
(film), 178

health issues, 35, 127

indifference, 116–17

Henri-Forel, Auguste, 148

individuality, 19

heroin, 58

infidelity,
see
affairs

Hite, Shere, 145

inhibited sexual desire (ISD), 26–27

homosexuality, 175–91

injection therapy, 134

brokeback marriages, 177–80

insecurity, 107–8

and living heterosexual lives, 32,

Internet:

178–80, 196

fantasy on, 16

number of cases, 176–77

porn on, 15, 25–26, 40–42, 146–60

honeymoon:

support groups on, 186

index

241

intimacy:

male supremacy, 129

anger as defense against, 105–6

manipulative behavior, 106

and ED, 134–36

marriage:

fear of, 2, 22, 30, 40, 44–45, 48, 55,

abstinence before, 67

57, 106

ardor cooled in, 18–19, 71, 99, 158–59

Internet porn as avoidance of, 157–59

for children’s sake, 197–200

and sex, 181

companionship in, 56, 59, 62

ISD (inhibited sexual desire), 26–27

egalitarian, 22, 82

and fidelity, 48–49, 205–6

Jacobson, Barbara, 167–68, 169

focus on the good in, 60

jealousy, 100

“honeymoon” stage of, 17

Joy of Sex
(Comfort), 84

long-term, 99

love and, 115

King, Larry, 135

mixed orientation, 178–80

Kinsey report, 140

multiple, 61, 99–100

“open,” 61

lack of desire,
see
low libido

“our time” in, 211

Leiblum, Sandra, 154

and procreation, 61

Levitra, 131–32

routines of, 20

libido:

sacredness of, 181

effects of depression on, 119

sex as bond in, 212

low,
see
low libido

sexless,
see
sexless marriages

“normal,” 184, 185

stable relationship in, 18, 19–20, 60

see also
sexuality

staying together, 61, 191, 195–96,

lifestyle drugs, 144

209

lipstick, 91

use of term, 7

listening, 2, 21, 213–14

well-functioning, 20

Lopate, Phillip, 130

marriage manuals, 84

LoPiccolo, Joseph, 5, 163, 184, 206

martyrdom, 86, 114

low libido, 4–8, 50, 131, 180–83

Marx, Groucho, 68

causes of, 184–85

masturbation, 145–47

failure equated with, 6, 8, 13

and depression, 120

HSDD, 26–27, 183–85, 187–88

and ED, 130

nonorgasmic women, 130

mutual, 213

number of cases, 186, 188

and online porn, 41–42, 154

and obesity, 27–28

as “self-abuse,” 82

powerlessness equated with, 6

McGreevey, James, 177, 180

as relief for partner, 50, 73, 98

medications:

and testosterone, 188–90

alternative paths to, 134

lust, 17, 18, 180

antidepressants, 24, 37–38, 69, 72,

121–24

madonna/whore syndrome, 54–55

for ED, 126, 129, 131–34, 143–44

male ego, 139

efficacy rate of, 133–34

242

index

medications (
continued
)

as turn-off, 27–28, 162

and impotence, 23–24, 58, 68, 70,

Offit, Avodah K., 72, 91, 146

72

one-night stands, 18

interactions among, 132

oral sex, 84, 90–92, 98, 153, 213

side effects of, 124, 127

orgasm:

for testosterone level, 190

anorgasmia, 121

men:

and erection, 157

andropause in, 189

faked, 72

conquest sought by, 68

multiple, 85

dominance of, 84

time to reach, 125–26

ego of, 139

“our time,” 211

erections expected by, 23, 126

oxytocin, 18, 124

and fatherhood, 56, 74–75, 78

multiorgasmic, 85

Parker, Jay, 154–55

perceived as always wanting sex, 11, 12, passion: 183

anger as destructive of, 103–5

psychiatric help sought by, 196–97

novelty-fueled, 181

rejection of, 165

passive-aggressive stance, 105–6

sexuality as self-worth, 22, 37, 45

PDE5 (phosphodiesterase type 5) drugs,

as stepfathers, 76–77

132, 134, 143–44

survey questions for, 219–21

PE (premature ejaculation), 140–42

survey responses of, 14, 15, 23, 27

penile suppositories, 134

validation of, 22, 31

penis:

weight gain by, 164

as delicate organ, 135

Mendelsohn, Robert, 109, 153

and erection, 126–28

menopause, 135

fantasies about, 134–35, 138

Morgentaler, Abraham, 128, 135

and male identity, 129

motherhood, 77–80