He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (26 page)

How sexual do you feel at this point in your life? (Intensely, Very, Average, A little, Not at all)

The Following Were Answered by Yes or No,

Unless Otherwise Noted

I masturbate, but not online.

I masturbate using online pornography.

I masturbate using chat rooms.

I am having/have had an affair.

I am having/have had multiple affairs.

I am thinking about having an affair.

appendix

223

Does your husband watch online pornography? (Open-ended question: If yes, how many hours per week?)

Does he watch adult videos? (Open-ended question: If yes, how many hours per week?)

If he suffers from erectile dysfunction (impotence), did he seek medical help?

If a reason was weight gain, do you think he would have sex with you again if you lost weight? (Yes, I don’t know, No) I am doing nothing.

I am trying to lose weight. (Yes, No, Not applicable) Have you gone to counseling together for marital issues?

If no, did you ask him to go into counseling and he refused?

Did you go into therapy alone?

Did you separate after you stopped having sex?

Did you divorce?

Open-Ended Questions

Which year of your marriage did your husband stop having sex with you? For example, year 5?

How many times did you have sex with your husband last year?

If there are other reasons for not having sex, please explain.

Can you briefly describe the situation? For example, if you think he finds you physically unattractive, why? How have you changed? Or if you think he is angry at you, why? What are the issues?

What do you think the future is for your marriage?

If you could do things over again, what, if anything, would you do differently?

Is there anything you’d like to add?

notes

INTRODUCTION

4

sex fewer than ten times per year
: Deveny, Kathleen. We’re not in the mood.

Newsweek
, June 30, 2003. Having sex no more than ten times per year is what is considered by clinical sex therapists to be a “sexless” marriage, although many couples have less physical contact or none at all.

4

lack of desire is recognized as the most common sexual problem in America:
Weeks, Gerald R., & Gambescia, Nancy. (2002).
Hypoactive sexual desire.

New York: W.W. Norton & Company, p. ix; also in Laumann, Park, and Rosen. (1999). United States Health and Social Life Survey.

4

David Schnarch:
Schnarch, David. (2002).
Resurrecting sex.
New York: Quill, p. 16.

5

Cathryn G. Pridal and Joseph LoPiccolo:
Pridal, Cathryn G., & LoPiccolo, Joseph. (2000). Multielemental treatment of desire disorders. In Leiblum, S. R., & Rosen, R. C. (Eds.),
Principles and practice of sex therapy
(3rd ed., pp. 57–81). New York: Guilford Press.

5

we are referring to any long-term committed relationship:
For the first time, at 49.7 percent of total, and down from 52 percent only five years ago, married couples are a minority of American households, and those living unmarried, with partners, is increasing. Roberts, Sam. To be married means to be out-numbered.
New York Times
: October 15, 2006; Nearly half of Americans in their 30s and 40s have cohabited. Roberts, Sam. The shelf life of bliss.
New
York Times,
July 1, 2007.

ONE. WHEN MEN STOP HAVING SEX

13

“in the vast amount of couples consulting me about desire complaints it’s the
women who want more and the man who always has a headache”:
Zilbergeld, 226

notes

Bernie. (1999).
The new male sexuality.
Revised Edition. New York: Bantam Books, p. 350.

16

Drs. Max and Della Fitzgerald are clinical sex therapists:
Interview with the authors, July 24, 2006. All subsequent references to Dr. Max Fitzgerald and/

or Dr. Della Fitzgerald result from this interview.

17

Dr. Helen Fisher, a research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University:
Interview with the authors, July 31, 2006. All subsequent references to Dr.

Fisher result from this interview.

18

Clinical psychologist and sex therapist David Schnarch:
Schnarch, David.
Passionate marriage.
(1997). New York. W.W. Norton, p.151.

26
Hypoactive sexual desire disorder:
American Psychiatric Association. (2000).

Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders
(4th ed.) (DSM-IV).

28
A
Newsweek
cover . . . photographs an attractive heterosexual couple in bed:
Deveny, Kathleen. We’re not in the mood.
Newsweek.
June 30, 2003.

TWO. WHY WOMEN THINK THEIR HUSBANDS

STOP HAVING SEX

37
American physicians wrote 118 million prescriptions for antidepressants in
2005:
Cohen, Elizabeth. CDC: Antidepressants most prescribed drug in U.S.

CNN.com.
http://cnn .com/2007/HEALTH/07/09/antidepressants/index .html?

eref= rss_topstories

37
half of all couples seeking therapy for marital issues have at least one clinically
depressed partner:
Weeks & Gambescia, p. 178.

44
I also bought him some L-Arginine:
L-Arginine is an amino acid, and can be purchased as a dietary supplement. There has been some preliminary evidence (but absolutely no proof ) that it might be beneficial as a cure for impotence.

THREE. NOT TONIGHT, DEAR, WE’RE MARRIED

72
Psychiatrist, sex therapist, and author Avodah Offit wrote:
Offit, Avodah K.

(1981).
Night thoughts: Reflections of a sex therapist.
New York: Congdon & Lattes, p. 240.

FOUR. PREGNANCY AND THE END OF PASSION

75
There are men who have such a strong fear of becoming a parent:
Weeks & Gambescia, p. 34.

notes

227

79

Dr. June Reinisch:
Interview with the authors July 13, 2006, and June 2, 2007.

All subsequent references to Dr. Reinisch result from these interviews.

FIVE. PREDICTABLE, BORING,

UNADVENTUROUS SEX

81

it “repelled” them:
Coontz, Stephanie. (2005).
Marriage, a history.
New York: Penguin Books, p. 190.

81

A radical Vassar college professor:
Ibid. p. 209.

81

25 percent of American men
and
women admitted to having experienced at
least one affair:
Ibid., p. 202.

82

That belief lingered on:
Zilbergeld, Bernie. (1999).
The new male sexuality,
p. 75.

82

Stopes warns male newlyweds:
Stopes, Marie Carmichael. (1918).
Married
love: A new contribution to the solution of sex difficulties.
London: A. C. Fi-field. Available online at: http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/stopes/

married/1918.html .

83

to help alleviate hysteria:
Coontz, p. 202.

83–84

“Every case of divorce has for its basis lack of sexual satisfaction”:
Ibid., p. 204.

84

“the multiorgasmic potential of women”:
Gordon, Michael, & Shankweiler, Penelope. (August 1971). Different equals less: Female sexuality in recent marriage manuals.
Journal of Marriage and the Family, 33,
no. 3, pp.

459–466.

90

When we asked sex therapist Janice Epp:
Online interview with the authors, July 6, 2006. All subsequent references to Dr. Epp result from this interview.

91

“When one considers . . .”:
Offit,
Night Thoughts,
p. 65.

SIX. ANGER MISMANAGEMENT

103
a variety of ways couples deal with anger:
Weeks & Gambescia.
Hypoactive
sexual desire,
pp. 61–63.

104
Men frequently use anger to cover up sexual anxiety:
In a July 15, 2006, interview, sex therapist and educator Dr. William Stayton told the authors that some couples use fighting for the opposite reason—as aphrodi-siac. These people consciously or unconsciously bait one another to stir up feelings of passion that would otherwise be dormant, like the “make-up sex” that George Costanza craves from his fiancée in an episode of
Seinfeld.
This can become an unfortunate choice: constant bickering with sex, or peace without it.

228

notes

109
Anger can also be a quiet thing:
Weeks & Gambescia.
Hypoactive sexual desire,
pp. 61–63.

109
Dr. Robert Mendelsohn:
Interview with the authors, July 26, 2006. All subsequent references to Dr. Mendelsohn refer to this interview.

113
Large quantities of alcohol
: Zilbergeld.
The new male sexuality,
p. 305.

SEVEN. DEPRESSION: THE ULTIMATE

PASSION KILLER

118
The American Psychiatric Association’s
Diagnostic & Statistical Manual
lists
nine symptoms, which include:
DSM-IV,
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders
, Fourth Edition, American Psychiatric Association, 1994.

A diagnosis of depression requires five of the symptoms within a two-week period, one of which must be a constant and pervasive feeling of depression.

119
Some therapists claim:
Weeks & Gambescia,
Hypoactive sexual desire,
p. 50.

121
professional help is imperative:
See the National Institute of Mental Health website for statistics and updated information about depression at www

.nimh .nih.gov/publicat/depression .CFM#ptdep1. You might first want to see a family physician or specialist to rule out other factors. That physician can then refer you to a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, or psychopharmacologist.

122
20 percent of men taking the drug experienced some dysfunction:
See www

.mcmanweb.com/love_lust.htm. Refers to a 2001 study done by Dr. Anita Clayton (University of Virginia). Thirty-seven percent of the men taking antidepressants experienced sexual dysfunction. Paxil was the highest at over 40 percent; Wellbutrin the lowest at 20 percent.

124 Silk Stockings: “It’s a chemical reaction, that’s all.”
Silk Stockings
, with music and lyrics by Cole Porter, previewed on February 24, 1955.

EIGHT. ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION: THE SILENT

PASSION KILLER

125
Men
are
often ready much sooner:
On average, men can reach orgasm in four minutes, women require twenty.

126
Multiple studies have indicated a decline in male sexual functioning after age
40:
Leiblum, Sandra R., & Segraves, R. Taylor. Sex therapy with aging adults. In Leiblum & Rosen,
Principles and practice of sex therapy
, p. 436.

126
Lenore Tiefer interviewed hundreds of men:
Tiefer, Lenore. (1994). The med-icalization of impotence.
Gender and Society, 8,
no. 3, pp. 363–377. Referenced in Bordo, p. 62.

126
Nearly four out of ten baby boomers:
Harris Interactive survey of 1,000 men notes

229

and 1,000 women between the ages of 40 and 70, sponsored by Lily Icos LLC, the manufacturers of Cialis.

126 w
ebsites of the big three erectile dysfunction drugs:
www.Viagra.com, www

.Cialis.com, www.Levitra.com; nih/gov/1992/1992 Impotence 091/html/htm.

126
Bob Dole and famous athletes:
Baseball star Rafael Palmeiro, was so concerned someone might actually think
he
suffered from ED that even though he endorsed Viagra in an advertising campaign, he made a hasty disclaimer to the media that he didn’t really need it at all—he was just pretending.

126 o
nly about 20 percent of men with ED seek professional help:
Morgentaler, Abraham. (2003).
The Viagra myth.
San Francisco: Josey-Bass, an imprint of Wiley Publications, p. 12.

128
Healthier men have an easier time getting and maintaining erections:
Esposito, K. et al. (2004). Effect of lifestyle changes on erectile dysfunction in obese men: A randomized controlled trial.
Journal of the American Medical Association
,
291,
no. 24, pp. 2978–2984.

128
shame is the primary reason men do not seek help:
Morgentaler,
The Viagra
myth
, p. 13.

129
Journalist David M. Friedman argues:
Friedman, David M. (2001).
A mind of
its own.
New York, Penguin Books, pp. 304–305.

129
Sociologists suggest:
Loe, Meika. (2004).
The rise of Viagra
. New York: New York University Press, p. 65.

130
if a man loses his potency, he loses a part of his identity:
Friedman,
A mind of
its own
, p. 304.

130
Essayist Phillip Lopate agrees:
Lopate, Phillip. (Fall 1993). Portrait of my body.
Michigan Quarterly Review, 32,
no. 4, pp. 656–665.

130
Sociologist Warren Farrell once mentioned:
Farrell, Warren. (1986).
Why men
are the way they are.
New York: Berkley, p. 265.

130
allowing Tom Wolfe to wittily call impotence:
Wolfe, Tom. (2000).
Hooking
up.
New York: Picador, p. 9.