He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships (48 page)

Can this person change? Can I do something to make him/her change? Should I be helping this person work through this? What
can I do to help even if he/she doesn’t want any help? Could a therapist be of help? Could a therapist help me get him/her back? Did this person ever really love me? Should I call? Will he/she call me? Should I take the call? What should I say? Should I play it cool? Should I be confrontive? Should I say how much I hurt? Should I try to see this person again? When will this person realize how much he/she needs me? Does he/she miss me? How do I know for sure it was a commitment problem? What are the odds of this person coming back around? How long will it take? Is he/ she having a complete nervous breakdown? Should I call his/her parents and friends and tell them I’m worried? Should I try to be this person’s friend? If he/she isn’t dating anyone else, does that mean there’s still hope for me? If he/she is already involved with someone else, does that mean there was no commitment problem at all? How does someone get to be this way?

There is one thing we know for sure. If someone has a
severe
commitment problem, you have no reason to believe that he or she will ever be able to interact with you in a way that isn’t hurtful and destructive. It would not be fair to say it’s impossible. But it has been our experience that it isn’t likely.

“How Could My Special Love Treat Me This Way?”

There is a category of questions that those with passive issues almost always ask at the end of relationship: “There was so much intimacy and caring between us, how could he/she treat me this way?” “How could he/she betray me?”

This question is actually most likely to come in one of four specific variations:

• “How could this person have left me if he/she really loved me?”
  

• “How could anyone have turned away from so much feeling?”
  

• “How could anyone walk away from so much potential?”
  

• “How could he/she be so insensitive to my feelings?”
  

Considering the typical progression of a commitmentphobic relationship, it is no wonder this question always arises. These relationships
tend to feel unusually close and connected well until the end. In fact it is the intensity of the bonding and the absence of major disagreements that is so seductive. It’s what makes you begin to feel this could be “the one.” That’s why the ending comes as such a shock. It has to make you seriously question just how “connected” you and your partner really were.

The active runners we interviewed consistently made it clear how deeply connected they were to their partners. If what they say is true, then how can they walk away so easily? The explanation is surprisingly simple: Active runners can walk away because they are thoroughly confident that their partners will take them back should they have a change of heart.

Essentially, active runners are not really committed to leaving. They have contingency plans. If they can’t make it alone, they believe it will always be possible to return. Sure, it might require a lot of begging and pleading and promising, but it can be done. Your active partner truly believes this option exists, and you are probably the one who made that sense of security possible.

“Why Didn’t I Have More Warning?”

The primary reason for your confusion probably stems from the way your ex-partner handled his conflict. Active runners usually confess to having an ongoing dialogue in their heads about the merits and demerits of leaving. Many say they had one foot near the door, if not out the door, from very early on. This may be hard for you to imagine since your partner shared so little of the struggle with you, but it’s true. Why didn’t your partner tell you? Because you’d think he/she was crazy. Because you’d think he/she was a creep. Because you’d leave. Because you’d be hurt. Because there is too much conflict. Well, that’s how active runners explain it.

We could devote a good portion of this book to trying satisfactorily to answer questions about your ex-partner. But without knowing you or your partner, we don’t think we could do a very good job. And the truth is that we don’t really want to answer these questions. We just believe very strongly that it’s time for you to stop focusing on your partner and start focusing on yourself.

Get Angry for a While

Once you have decided that you are the one who has to let go and walk away from an uncommitted relationship, the real work begins. You will feel very sad, you will feel terribly hurt. There may be times when you feel hopeless. What’s most important, however, is that you let yourself get angry at this hurtful behavior
—in a constructive way
.

Anger is one emotion few of us are truly comfortable expressing toward anyone but ourselves. We beat ourselves up without mercy, yet we protect others who hurt us. This is particularly true of passives. Passives feel most comfortable thinking it’s their fault.

Yet the reality is that if you have been involved with an active runner, you have a great deal to be angry about. Yes, you were a full partner in this nightmare, and you need to accept responsibility for that, but it doesn’t excuse the hurtful behavior of your partner.

First and foremost you need to stop blaming yourself for everything. But you also need to stop making excuses for the other person. You need to stop protecting him or her, and you need to stop trying to “understand” his or her psyche. You have to start connecting with how deeply you have been hurt and how angry that makes you feel. Understanding that you are angry is a crucial part of the grieving process. Any attempts to suppress it will only sabotage your own healing.

Please Note:
Trashing someone’s car, turning him or her in to the IRS, stealing his or her mail, or other acts of vengeance are not appropriate or acceptable ways of dealing with your anger. It is one thing to rage in a safe, controlled therapeutic environment. It is another to take some action in a fit of anger that could have significant negative consequences in your life. So protect yourself by not allowing your anger to become destructive to yourself or anyone else.

Get Clear (Do Some Homework)

Have you ever seen friends or family sanctify a mean and hurtful person who suddenly passed away? Remember how crazy it
seemed? So why doesn’t it seem crazy to you when you do the same thing with your hurtful ex-partner?

Passive partners have notoriously poor memories. No matter how much you questioned the relationship when you had it, now all you can remember is how wonderful it was. You romanticize and magnify the specialness of the relationship while forgetting or downplaying all of the things that weren’t so special. This does not help the grieving process.

At times like this it is important to sit down and make concrete lists of the many aspects of this relationship that were less than perfect. Lists like this have proven to be a powerful healing tool. Here are some suggested topics for your lists:

• Things about this relationship I didn’t like
  

• Needs of mine that weren’t getting met
  

• What I gave away in this relationship
  

• Wonderful things about me that my ex-partner didn’t value
  

• What I will get in my next relationship that I didn’t get this time
  

Be as comprehensive as possible. Leave nothing out; every little detail helps. Read your lists over and over again. Carry them with you. Every time you find yourself having romantic thoughts about this person, take out the lists and refresh your memory about the things you didn’t like. Add to them whenever a thought comes to mind. And hold on to them for however long you need them.

“What Do I Do About the Sexual Longing?”

You were probably deeply bonded to your partner sexually. You have been cut adrift, and you may feel as though you have lost a part of yourself. What do you do with all those feelings that were suddenly trashed? We have another thought about this that may help explain why the sexual feelings in your relationship were so intense.

Because active runners are so often aware of their conflicts, they tend to carry that awareness with them into their sexual behavior. Active runners know the intensity of what they feel for their partners,
and yet they also know that they may leave at any time. Because of this each sexual encounter is supercharged. Every time could be the last time. Each time feels like the last romantic interlude between lovers who are being separated. This is one of the reasons why it is so difficult to come to terms with the end of this kind of sexual relationship. You can’t help but ask yourself, “If it was always this highly charged, why did it end?”

As you’re going through the recovery process, try to force yourself not to use the person who caused you this pain as your sexual fantasy. In fact, as much as possible try not to think about the sexual bond between the two of you. Don’t dwell in that place. Don’t play the music or read the books that bring back memories. In short, try not to obsess about the sensual aspects of your relationship.

Getting Closure When Your Ex-partner Isn’t Making It Any Easier

The need for closure is common for any loss, but the need is particularly acute when there is a sudden, unexpected loss. Because “sudden endings” are a trademark of commitmentphobic relationships, there is almost always a deep cry for some kind of resolution that will bring you a measure of peace.

You want an explanation that makes sense. All the conversations that are haunting you and that you are having in your head you want to have with your ex-partner. You want to explain yourself because you think that if this person only understood, it would change. You believe that if you could only reach him or her for a minute, it would change.

Right now you may be thinking,
If only I had one more chame … one more conversation … a clearer explanation … one more night together, then maybe I could let go
. Maybe you’re thinking,
If only I could let him know just how much I’ve been hurt
, or,
If only I could make her see what we had together
. The problem is that there is a hidden agenda here. Although you say that this is what you need so that you would be able to let go and walk away, part of you believes that this is what you need to get your ex-partner back. As long as you have expectations like this, there can be no true closure.

You Have to Get Closure on Your Own

Active runners are extremely skilled at frustrating their partner’s attempts to get any closure. Because they aren’t sure precisely what they feel, they typically refuse to assume complete responsibility for what they say or what they do. They can’t end anything. And that means you will probably never get the kind of closure that you
want
. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get the kind of closure you
need
. You still have power in this relationship, enough power to give yourself the kind of closure your partner is unwilling to give.

So how do you begin?

•
Clean house
. It helps enormously to “say good-bye” to your relationship memorabilia. We are not saying that you need to cleanse your home of all reminders of this person, but it is
always
advisable to put all significant relationship memorabilia in a place where you don’t have to face it every day. Pack it away in boxes or give it to a friend you trust. In time you may feel more able to let most of these things go for good. Don’t throw things out that have some value (financial or otherwise) in your life because you may later regret doing so. Just pack them away and forget about them until you can go back and sort it all out.

•
Write a letter
. A technique we highly recommend to help purge the relationship from your system is writing a comprehensive good-bye letter.
But don’t mail it
. This letter is for
you
, not for your ex-partner. In it put all the things you want to say, not just the things you want her to hear. The act of writing this letter is immensely therapeutic, but the act of sending it can easily turn into a setup for further hurt. Please take this warning to heart.

•
Read your lists
. The process of making, reading, and rereading the lists described in the preceding section can be of enormous value. Carry your lists with you and read them whenever you need reinforcement. Revise them whenever new thoughts come to mind.

•
Bury the relationship
. Holding a “mock funeral” for the relationship is another technique that sometimes helps. This may sound a bit extreme, but many interviewees have told us how profoundly helpful this process was. Invite those you feel closest to, the people whose support comforts you most in a time of need. Treat it like any other funeral. Celebrate afterward if that feels appropriate. Just don’t turn it into a gag.

•
Commit yourself to a clear set of feelings and try to stick to them
. We know that you are involved with someone with serious conflicts, but don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of equally conflicted responses (angry when he/she is unkind and forgiving when he/she regrets destructive behavior). The fact that you are able to understand so much of your ex-partner’s conflict is indicative of your own conflicts. Try to take a position and stick to it. This person has hurt you. Therefore you are upset, angry, annoyed, and self-protective. And you don’t want to feel this way again. Stay with the self-protective feelings.

•
Put a time limit on yourself
. We know this is difficult, and you can’t force your feelings. But put yourself on a recovery schedule and try to keep yourself from spending too long a period mourning the relationship. Those with passive commitment conflicts can easily settle into the recovery process for an excessive amount of time, so watch out for this tendency. If you are in therapy, we suggest discussing concrete goals with your therapist for getting yourself back into the world within a reasonable timeframe.