Hidden Heart (21 page)

What am I doing here? Why
can’t I just keep the baby?

“
Hello, Miss Cosma, let’s
see if you are ready for the surgery. Are you nervous?”

She flinched, hearing the
doctor’s voice. When had he entered the room?

“
Okay. I see you opted for
the general anesthesia,” the doctor said, skimming through papers.
“We’ll keep you in after the procedure for a few hours, just to
make sure you aren’t bleeding too much and no infection occurs. You
could bleed for several days, sometimes passing blood clots, but
let us know immediately if it’s too heavy. The breast discomfort
may take longer, but it should subside within a few days. You may
feel some cramps, like you’re having your regular period, for one
or two days, but remember to take it easy. No strenuous activity
like heavy lifting or sports; no alcohol while taking the
antibiotics. No sexual activity for about two weeks until the first
checkup. Make sure you make your appointment before you
leave.”

Tessa nodded and blinked
quickly. A nurse checked her vitals. Another looped a rubber band
around her upper arm, touched the inside of her elbow then poked
her vein and hooked her to the IV. Needles. She hated needles. The
doctor said something, which the first nurse marked in Tessa’s
chart. Everyone knew the drill, moving around her bed mechanically,
but no one made eye contact with her. Empty faces. Tessa answered
questions and handed each one of them an envelope. Everyone forced
a smile at her, and then left. They’d be back in thirty minutes to
take her to the operating room.

Left alone, Tessa took the
book out of her bag, opened it and gently ran her finger under the
flap of the envelope, careful not to tear such a precious memento.
She immediately recognized her mama’s handwriting. She pressed the
letter to her heart as if the gesture could bring her mama back for
just one more moment, now when she needed her more than
ever.

She began
reading.

My dear and beloved
daughter,

Today is a cold, but
beautiful day. It’s snowing as I look out the window. Everything is
covered in white; it snowed all night and I doubt will stop anytime
soon. My thoughts are with my girls; my beautiful and wonderful
daughters God has blessed me with. Last night I talked with Chiara,
then with Octavia. They both told me they are happy and content
with their lives, and their decisions to leave the country long
ago, but heartbroken and guilty for leaving me behind. I told them
both that, as long as they are happy, I am happy for them. The
distance is difficult at times, but the thought of them being happy
is all that matters and what helps me go on with my life. What
could be more precious than hearing your children say that they are
happy? Of course this happiness has a price we all pay, the price
of being so far away one from another…but what doesn’t a mother
sacrifice for her kids to be happy and in the place they want to
be? We give up everything and we get back a drop lost in an ocean,
but this drop is filled with love, happiness and joy and this one
drop helps us live each and every day away from the loved ones.
Then you, Tessa, my youngest one came and had dinner with me. When
I look at you I see a strong (sometimes stubborn), beautiful and
kind woman. You are and will always be the baby of the family…God,
I love my daughters with such intensity, sometimes it’s hard to
bear.

The day you read this
letter I will not be around to see you anymore. I hope my letter
will give you strength and peace for the years to come. What I will
reveal in these lines will probably come as a shock to you, but I
cannot leave before telling you the truth. I also know that you’ll
get sad and angry with me. I deserve it all. But before you judge
me and throw this letter away, please do remember I loved you with
all my heart until the moment I closed my eyes.

My marriage with your
daddy was a good one. Not the type of marriage I wanted, but
sometimes the life we dream of is not the life we make and
sometimes it plays out differently than we had dreamed or wanted.
It has been difficult and tough to survive it at times. But we
managed. We managed to stay together against all odds. We managed
to raise the three of you; not offering you much materially, but
surrounded you with love, care and tenderness, as much as we could
and had to offer. You know, he did love all of us—your father—to
the best of his ability and tried hard to provide and protect his
family. He had a difficult time showing his love and he came across
a bit stiff and stern, but he did love his girls.

Five years after we
married, our relationship began to crumble. I married for all the
wrong reasons; I felt trapped and alone in a marriage with a man I
never could bring myself to love, no matter how much I tried. I’m
not making excuses for myself; I just want to make sure you
understand my circumstances.

I met another man and fell
in love with him against my better judgment and reasonability. This
man opened my eyes; taught me what truly being in love meant and
gave me one of the best presents I have ever received. I tried so
hard to stop the way I felt, but wasn’t strong enough to tell my
heart no. For the first time in my life I felt what it meant to be
in love. I lived a life of duplicity; I am not proud of myself, but
I paid for my mistakes. I considered divorcing, but you probably
know what it meant back then to get divorced. I told your daddy
about my affair, but he refused to divorce and said we had to stay
together if not for us, at least to offer the girls a complete
family. We never made love again.

I mentioned earlier
something about a present. I hope to God you are strong enough to
further read my confession. I’m aware that it will cause a shock to
you, but please try to understand that I fought tooth and nail for
that not to happen… my heart was stronger and won the fight and I
paid dearly for the consequences. About three years into my affair
I got pregnant. The baby came as a surprise to me as it came to
your daddy. We both knew it couldn’t be his, since he never touched
me after my telling him I had an affair. I toyed with the idea of
having an abortion, but you also remember that abortions were a
legal matter back then and strictly prohibited. I found a doctor
who would take the risk and interrupt the pregnancy, but at the
last minute I changed my mind.

So here I was, pregnant
and ashamed of my behavior. I was living a sin and that couldn’t be
left without punishment. I guess by now, you know the baby I saved
is…you. When I first held you in my arms, all my guilt, all my
fears were gone. I knew that whatever was thrown at me, I had to be
strong for you and your sisters. I never told your biological
father about you, for the simple reason that when I found out I was
pregnant, he had already transferred to another hospital in a
different city. He returned to Bucharest years later, and I
continued seeing him until I was diagnosed with cancer. I decided
to never tell you, because that would’ve disturbed your life more
than necessary; besides, you had a father who loved you and who
never made the distinction between his own biological daughters and
you.

At first he resented the
idea of raising a child that wasn’t his. But then, when he saw you
for the first time, he too fell in love with you. He always felt
the need to protect you more than Octavia or Chiara, because if
society ever discovered the truth, they would’ve stigmatized you
for something that wasn’t your fault.

I thank God night and day
for blessing me with the three of you. I love each one of you for
who you are; for your strength and willingness to fight for what
you want from life, without accepting half of measures or
compromising. I’m so proud of all your accomplishments and I’ll die
being the happiest mother in the world knowing that I left such
amazing daughters behind me. I know one day you’ll find the right
man and will love and be loved the way you deserve it. Marry for
the right reasons and learn from my experience. I don’t have any
regrets; yes I did live a lie, but I got you. I loved and was
rewarded with my little girl; my life is complete and I feel at
peace.

You have Chiara and
Octavia, your older sisters. They are far away, but don’t let
distance be in the way of your relationship. They don’t know about
you being their half sister and I leave that up to you to tell
them, if you consider it necessary. It doesn’t matter, but just
remember: nothing and nobody can take away your bond. You belong
together no matter how many miles away. Have each other’s back when
needed and count on each other’s shoulder for whatever life will
throw at you. God bless you and your sisters and remember how much
I love you.

With never-ending
love,

Mama”

Despair mixed with panic
rose in Tessa’s throat.

I can’t breathe…I can’t
breathe…

Tessa pulled at her robe
around her neck in an effort to inhale more air. It was one of
those medical garments that had the opening on the back and two
strings attached around the waist. She used both her hands and tore
it apart. The IV hurt her vein when she bent her elbow, but she
didn’t care anymore. Heaviness pressed on her chest and her vision
blurred from lack of oxygen. It seemed air couldn’t reach her lungs
and the pain became agonizing.

She opened her mouth to
yell for help, but no words came out. She stumbled to her feet
pushing the metal hook for the IV line with one hand and gripping
the bed’s metal rail with the other. She walked the few steps to
the door. She fell in the arms of a nurse who opened the door
carrying a metal tray with pills and syringes.

“
I need help,” the nurse
yelled. Another nurse came and both helped Tessa back to her
bed.

“
She’s hyperventilating,”
one nurse said.

“
Miss Cosma, I brought you
some medication that will help you relax. You have to remain calm.
I’ll add the sedatives to the IV line; it will work
faster.”

Tessa clasped the nurse’s
wrist. “Don’t … do it…” She gathered all her strength to say the
words out loud.

The woman tried to free
herself from Tessa’s grip, but she held on.

“
Miss Cosma, you’re hurting
me,” the nurse said impatiently. “I’ll wait on the medication, I
promise not to do anything until you feel more comfortable; now
please let go of me.”

Tessa released her wrist
and yanked at the IV line. “I need you to take this out.
Now.”

The other nurse checked
Tessa’s blood pressure and exchanged a worried look with her
colleague.

“
Get the doctor,” the first
nurse said.

Tessa panicked. “Don’t
leave me.”

“
I won’t. My colleague will
get the doctor and he’ll talk to you. Now try to relax, try to
breathe, yes like this,” the nurse spoke loud and clear. She took
deep breaths and nodded her head at Tessa to follow the same
pace.

The doctor rushed in and
Tessa yanked again at the IV line.

“
Doctor, please, I don’t
want to do this anymore. Please, take this out.”

“
Miss Cosma, let’s talk. He
sat next to her on the bed and exchanged looks with his nurses.
“You do understand that if you don’t do it now, the pregnancy is at
about twelve weeks and it will be too late if you still decide you
want an abortion. The longer the pregnancy continues, the more
risks are involved when doing such a procedure. Are you
sure?”

“
Yes, I’m positive. I want
to keep the baby. I need you to take this out of my vein or I’ll
rip it out.” She pulled at it again. It hurt like hell.

He stood and sighed. “Miss
Cosma, having a panic attack is absolutely normal under these
circumstances, but we can help you relax, if this is why you
changed your mind.”

“
I’m not panicking, doctor.
I need you to understand I’m not having an abortion anymore. I’m
perfectly lucid and all I want you to do is to accept my decision
and let me get out of here.”

The doctor motioned one of
his nurses; she approached the bed, removed the IV, then put a
small bandage over the puncture.

“
Very well then. You’ll
need to sign a few documents, then you’re free to go.” The doctor
walked towards the door, turned around and said, “I hope you’re
making the right decision.” He left, followed by both
nurses.

Tessa stood, removed the
robe, and dressed back into her own clothes. She placed her mama’s
letter and book in her bag, then rushed out of the room. The
paperwork wasn’t ready for her yet and she grew even more nervous.
She felt like an animal in a cage desperate to break
free.

Finally Tessa was released.
She stopped outside the clinic’s door, took a deep breath and for
the first time since reading her mama’s letter she felt a sense of
control.

She walked without really
caring where she went. She looked at people without seeing anyone.
She listened to the street’s humming without really hearing
anything. Someone bumped into her shoulder and yelled an indignant,
“Watch your steps, woman!” But she didn’t care. She kept walking
without direction, switching the heavy bag from one shoulder to the
other.

Tessa’s feet hurt. Her
whole body ached. Her heart bled. She felt alone in the
world.