Hidden Heart (27 page)

“
Why, God, why? You
punished me and took away everything I had: my mama, my baby, my
career, my life, my love…are you ever going to stop the pain?
Enough, please… enough!” She yelled so loud, her voice broke down,
her cry louder and louder.

And as if a switch suddenly
flipped her thinking, Tessa stared at her muddied hands with her
mouth agape and thought,
I can’t fall
lower than I am there is no place to sink even more…It's time to
get control; it's time to move my life forward once
again…

Alessandro looked out the
living room window and saw Tessa kneeling in the mud, far away in
the valley. She screamed and threw her arms in the air, but he
couldn’t make sense of what she yelled.

“
I’ll get her,” he said,
when Chiara joined him by the window.

“
Don’t,” Chiara
said.

He turned his head sideways
and looked at her. “Why not?”

Chiara sighed and crossed
her arms over her chest. “She said more today than all the words
she’s spoken since we got here.”

He turned to face her,
waiting.

She continued looking out
the window and said, “She is angry and wants all of us gone, of
course. But this could be a step towards getting out of the hell
she’s living in.” She looked briefly at him, smiled, then looked
back out the window. “Years of therapy have taught me that hiding
behind silence is a way of self-torture; she is past that, I think.
I hope she starts yelling at us more often.”

“
You okay?” He asked
surprised at her revelation.

She shrugged and tilted her
head. “I’m hanging in there. I took control over my own life once I
realized if I stay depressed and scared, the only one really
suffering is me.”

Alessandro sighed and
pushed a hand through his hair, then squeezed the back of his neck.
He had been driving back and forth between Tessa’s cabin and
Bucharest so often, he knew every curve, every road sign; where the
mountains became hills and where empty fields replaced the hills.
He’d leave for Bucharest at the crack of dawn every Tuesday and
returned late at night on Thursday. Eva came to work with him as
the business office manager and their collaboration worked smoothly
for both of them. He hired two financial specialists and an
accountant and together they’d developed financial strategies for
several companies they signed consulting contracts with.

Victor’s company was one of
his first clients. They met on a regular basis. The notary’s
disappearance turned into a nationwide search. Some kids playing on
an abandoned field near Bucharest had discovered her mutilated
body. The advanced stage of putrefaction made it hard to recognize,
but eventually the forensics confirmed her identity. Victor worked
with the investigators and multiple court hearings resulted in
blockage of her accounts. Unfortunately the notary’s father used
his influence and political power to buy out media and court
people. More hearings went underway with more farmers that came
forward and testified against the notary. It was a slow and
strenuous process, and at times even Victor doubted the farmers
would receive the money that had been stolen from them.

Now, Alessandro looked back
out to where Tessa knelt, drenched in the rain. He wanted to go to
her, but trusted that Chiara knew what she was talking about. He
waited.

Tessa returned home. She
had no idea how long she’d been sitting in the rain, but her knees
were numb with cold. Her throat felt raw from screaming. She
couldn’t stop shivering and her teeth chattered. She began to
undress in the hallway, dropping her coat, her scarf and her boots
in a corner.

She walked by the living
room and saw her sisters and Alessandro sitting on the sofas. The
fireplace had a nice fire going, and the dry wood crackled from
time to time, accompanying the soothing music playing on the radio.
Her sisters read while Alessandro’s fingers typed vigorously on the
laptop.

He saw her
first.

Octavia and Chiara lifted
their heads at the same time, followed his gaze and turned to see
Tessa standing at the base of the stairs, looking into the mirror.
Her face was dirty, her hands muddy as well as her pants. Her lips
looked blue and water dripped from her hair, which lay flat against
her scalp. She went up the stairs, not saying a word.

For the first time since
the attack, she didn’t have any help as she prepared her hot bath.
Nor did she wait for anyone to tell her to eat. She helped herself
to some noodle soup, sat at the table in the kitchen, and ate
alone. And for the first time, Daniel didn’t visit her
sleep.

When she gave her sisters
her mama’s letter, she felt a sense of freedom, as if a burden had
lifted off of her shoulders. Her secret—no longer a secret—didn’t
weigh so much on her heart. Finally sharing it with her sisters
took away some of the heaviness. She’d screamed at God for letting
Daniel attack her and killing her unborn baby whom she finally
accepted as being part of her, a part of her that she wanted to
keep alive and see growing.

But her anger with God
wasn’t nearly as big as the anger with herself. For not seeing
Daniel for who he really was. For not standing up for herself when
Daniel attacked her. For trusting the notary when she signed the
contracts without reading them. It was her doing and hers only and
she wanted to take full responsibility for it.

That meant doing
something.

Take action.

Move forward.

***

The next morning, when
Octavia handed her the pills, she refused them. Instead she said,
“I need to talk to both of you; the sooner the better.”

Shortly, both sisters
showed up in the living room where Tessa sat quietly in one of the
chairs. Alessandro started the fire earlier that morning before
driving back to Bucharest and the room felt warm and
inviting.

They sat on the couch
opposite from Tessa and looked at her with somber eyes.

She glanced their way then
fixed her gaze on the fire’s flicker. She kept her palms together
resting on her lap. Tessa spoke in a soft voice, swallowing hard
the knot that formed in her throat.

“
I’m sorry I’ve hurt you so
many times…it’s just hard to be me these days. I know you made a
huge effort to leave your own lives to come and tend to me. I feel
awful to put that kind of burden on both of you.”

She paused and reached for
a tissue to wipe her tears, then crumpled it in one palm. She
continued, “I am who I am and I cannot change a damn thing. What I
need you to do is go back to your own homes, and let me get on my
feet. If trying to kill myself is what scares you, I promise I no
longer will try to do that. Nor will I take any pills anymore. I
don’t want to die…I just want to figure out how to face myself in
the mirror, try to make peace with myself…I need to learn a lot and
I need space. Go home, please.” She stood.

She didn’t feel her stomach
knot. She didn’t feel the numbness and haze the pills made her feel
before. Instead, she felt
alive
. She felt the blood pulsing in
her veins. She felt her mind clear and her legs steady.

“
Tessa, wait,” Octavia said
and stood. She came near Tessa and took her hand. Tears sparkled in
her eyes.

“
I’m sorry for all the
years you grew up alone… for all the times you needed me, and I
wasn’t there to help you… for all the times you needed a shoulder
to cry on or a secret to share, and I wasn’t there for you; for all
the pain it caused you to find out about Mama’s affair… about your
biological father, but one thing I am not sorry for and I
will
not
apologize
is that you are
my
sister
, no matter what, and will always
be…you can’t take that away from me.”

When Octavia pulled her
into a hug, Tessa’s first reaction was to push her away.

She had crossed her arms on
her chest before Octavia’s arms circled her shoulders. Ever since
the assault, human physical contact was something she thought she’d
never be able to accept without feeling horror and pain. She had
jerked and drew away each time her sisters touched her during the
walks. And the only times Alessandro had touched her was when she’d
had nightmares and he’d kept her under the cold jets to wake her
up. Once awake, she’d changed her pajamas while he waited for her
outside the bathroom. She’d walked by herself back to her room,
still shivering and holding onto the walls, but no one came closer
to touch her. The comfort of being touched, caressed, hugged or
held seemed to be another thing Daniel took away from
her.

Tessa forced herself to
stay within the warmth of her sister’s embrace. Tiny shallow
breaths convulsed her chest, allowing herself the protection of her
crossed arms between them.

Octavia didn’t let go, but
began rocking her side to side, holding an arm around Tessa’s
shoulder and stroking her hair with the other. She exchanged looks
with Chiara, who wiped her tears away and nodded softly.

“
I can’t change the years
we’ve lost, but I’d like to be a part of what you’ll make of the
ones to come…” Octavia moved Tessa gently away from her and looked
into her eyes. Tears left traces on their faces, but they both
managed to smile warily at each other.

“
I doubt I’ll make anything
good of the years to come,” Tessa said, unable to stop the
bitterness in her voice.

“
Don’t sell yourself short,
Tessa. I know it sounds like a cliché, but what doesn’t kill us,
makes us stronger. Daniel already took too much away from you,
don’t let him take everything.”

Hearing Daniel’s name out
loud made Tessa flinch. She felt cold instantly. She shivered and
rubbed her arms, then walked away from Octavia, toward the
fireplace. She looked at the dancing flames and continued to idly
rub her arms.

Octavia came closer, “We
all have our own demons to fight. What makes us different than
others is that we
fight
them, with everything we have and we take our
lives back. You’re the only one that can change the way you
feel.”

“
How?” Tessa spoke, anger
rising in her voice. She turned her head away, but Octavia put a
finger under her chin and forced her to turn back and look at
her.

“
By accepting that what
happened to you was
not
your fault. You haven’t done anything to deserve
this,” Octavia said.

“
But I didn’t do anything
to prevent or stop it either.” Tessa dropped to the floor, pulled
her knees to her chest and rested her chin on top of
them.

Octavia did the
same.

Throughout this exchange,
Chiara sat quietly and watched her sisters. She cried with them,
listened to them; she felt their anguish, their surrender. But she
also felt that there was
hope
. Hope they’d be part of each
other’s life, but also that her younger sister would heal. In
time—like she did.

Now, Chiara stood and
joined her sisters by the fireplace.

“
I was only twelve when I
left our house and I remember how it felt to see the world back
then. I was only a child, sheltered by the love of our family. I
had with me memories of lots of laughter, dad’s endless attempts to
make me a better person, Mama’s warm hugs… little did I know that
someone I trusted with my life, someone that was like a father
figure to me would soon take all of it away.” Chiara stopped and
took a deep breath. Anxiety churned her stomach, but she needed to
talk. Spill the poison that her years of physical and mental abuse
had cankered her soul.

She took another deep
breath, and continued, “There were times I wanted to die, jump from
the trapeze without reaching for the hand extended to catch me. But
I was too scared to do it. Instead, I let him manipulate me, abuse
me, until I had nothing. I laughed for the cameras, pretended to be
what I wasn’t just to please the crowds. The circus became the most
sought after and we were invited to perform everywhere. I was a
shining star everyone envied. What no one knew was that my carriage
turned into a pumpkin most nights when my tormentor called me into
his trailer and forced me to watch him masturbate. He told me I was
a nasty, dirty girl and that I liked it, he knew I liked it. His
wife was there watching me watching him. To this day I can’t see a
naked man.”

Neither Tessa nor Octavia
moved, looking shocked at their sister’s disclosure. They watched
her intently, waiting for her to continue.

Chiara shrugged in an
attempt to shake the memory away. She dried her cheeks, sighed and
continued, “The Christmas I didn’t come home it wasn’t because I
had my appendix removed, like I told Mama, but because I was
accused of murdering
him.
I spent three months behind bars. From the top of
the world where the crowds had me, I fell faster than if I’d have
fallen from my trapeze. And there was no hand to catch
me.”

She looked at Tessa and
forced a smile. Tessa, mouth agape, stared at her. Chiara put her
arm around Tessa’s shoulders, “Octavia is right; we all have demons
to fight. But we stand up and fight them. He can’t touch me and
when he comes during my sleep, I tell him I’m no longer afraid of
him. I allowed him for too long to rob me from living a normal
life, but will not spend another second allowing him to be part of
it.”