Hide My Memories: A Romantic Suspense Thriller Series (Hide Me Series Book 1) (4 page)

West took one last trip around the bar, then finally admitted to himself that Katerina was no longer inside it. He hurried out the door to look for her. He quickly threw a glance in both directions, but the sidewalk was empty. Disappointment exploded in his chest.
What happened?

He grimaced and called himself a dozen different names. He knew what had happened. She had correctly interpreted the look in his eyes that said he didn’t want to take her home. She probably thought he was married. And if he had taken her home, she definitely would've thought he was married. His house was still exactly the same way it had been on the day that Stephanie died. It was almost a shrine. Stephanie’s pillow was still on the bed, her clothes were still in the closets, even her car was still in the garage. In fact, if he were to admit the absolute truth to himself, she was the reason he had gotten rid of his dirt bike. When she was alive, she had always hated the thing. She never said so, and never had asked him to get rid of it, but he could tell that she was scared it was dangerous and reckless and juvenile. And after she died, regret about ignoring her unspoken wishes consumed him, so he sold it.

He looked to the dark sky and wondered how he ever had been such an idiot. Of course Blaise had been right. He
had been
stuck in the past. But
now
he was ready.

He pulled out his phone and texted Blaise.
Sorry, B. I'm heading home. Call you tomorrow.

He walked two blocks to the parking lot where his truck was and then drove home on autopilot, making his plans.

Once home, he pulled the moving boxes out of the garage where they'd been neatly flattened and stacked since they moved in. He set them up in the living room and started tossing things in. He picked his favorite picture of them on their honeymoon and left it up on the wall, but everything else went either into a box marked
storage
, or a box marked
giveaway
. His long-haired tabby cat, Nina, meowed piteously and wound around his legs while he worked. He ignored her. Normally, he could not resist her attempts at attention, but this evening, he barely noticed her. He had work to do.

West emptied the closets. He took Stephanie's pillow off the bed. He went through every item in her office and decided what to do with it. Some of it needed to go to her sister.

He could barely stand it. Tears flowed down his face most of the night. He felt like he was killing her all over again. And now he knew why he had never been able to do this before. She was really gone. Gone forever. He’d never hear her voice again. Never touch her skin. Never smell her perfume. It was like ripping out his heart, on purpose.

Finally, at 5:30 in the morning, it was done. He’d said his final goodbye. He piled the boxes that would be donated into the back of his truck and planned to drop them off at a charity before work the next day. He'd call someone to come and get her car. Hopefully he could donate that too.

He stumbled into his room, eyes burning, and set his alarm for 1 o'clock. Luckily, he worked the afternoon shift that day, so he could still get a few hours of sleep.

He pulled Katerina's number out of his pocket and placed it gently on the nightstand.

Just before his eyes closed for good, he said only one prayer.
Please Katerina, allow me to explain
.

Katerina rolled over heavily and forced her eyes open. The clock said 1:15. She put a hand to her head. She’d just slept for over twelve hours, but she didn't feel rested at all. In fact, she'd slept right through her alarm and now was running late, but it didn’t seem to have made any difference. She tried to jump out of bed and hurry to the shower, but her body felt full of sand and like it weighed 500 pounds. Why did she feel even worse than she had yesterday? Slowly, she forced herself out of bed and headed for the bathroom. She had to be at her new job by 2:45 for the afternoon shift. As she made her way down the hallway, her dreams started to come back to her.

Liquid brown eyes. Blonde ponytail. Red lipstick.

She groaned aloud. She couldn't believe that, twenty-four hours later, she was still going through this. It felt to her like a travesty that her mind was still hijacked by these horrible pictures she could make no sense of. As the content of the dreams bubbled up to the forefront of her mind she felt completely repulsed by herself. She had dreamed of
killing
these women. She’d dreamed that she'd injected them with a cocktail of drugs that eventually stopped their breathing, and then their hearts. But before that happened, she'd raped them.

Katerina stared at her reflection in the mirror, willing it to make sense of what was happening to her.
Raped them?
How could she rape them.
Her eyebrows knitted together, even as she turned on the water to the shower. She stepped in, barely feeling the water on her skin. On autopilot, she scrubbed her hair and body.
Had she dreamed she was a man?

Katerina's questions only grew and the shower did nothing to make them go away. As she soaped her hair and body, she valiantly did her best to push the images out of her mind again. She had to work today. She had to show up and be able to think and function. People's lives would be in her hands. She could not spend another minute puzzling over the complete catastrophe that was her brain for the last twenty-four hours.

If she didn't go to work she didn't eat, and she would eventually end up homeless. With her mother gone she had no family left.
She had to pull herself together and get to work
.

With a new resolve to straighten her thoughts out Katerina stepped out of the shower and began to dry herself off.

Liquid brown eyes. Blonde ponytail. Red lipstick.

After a quick, scant breakfast, Katerina rushed to her car and drove the ten miles to the Westwood Harbor Fire Department ambulance bay. She parked quickly, her brain trying to pull her into different directions. She did her best to ignore the direction that made no sense and walked inside.

A large open room with a high ceiling and walls made of concrete greeted her. In the far corner, like she’d been told, she saw an office with glass walls. She walked towards it, passing ambulance after ambulance. She checked her watch. 2:40. She was just on time.

When she reached the office, she looked inside and saw a pretty strawberry-blonde woman dressed in fire department dress blues, sitting behind the only desk. The desk and floor space were littered with boxes, like the woman was just moving in to the office. She was talking animatedly with a man sitting opposite her. The woman looked up and smiled at Katerina through the glass. Katerina noticed her eyes were a brilliant sapphire blue and looked kind. The woman held up a finger to Katerina and then turned back to the man. He glanced backwards, and then nodded at the woman.

Katerina noticed a sign on the desk. Lieutenant Emma Masterson. Katerina smiled in spite of herself. A woman lieutenant. It was good to know that the fire department promoted women to high ranks.

Lieutenant Masterson and the man stood up and walked towards the door. Katerina sucked in a breath when she saw the gun on the man's hip. But on the other hip was a gold badge. A cop.

Lieutenant Masterson escorted the man to the door, which should have been out of Katerina’s view, but for some reason she walked farther down the glass window in order to be able to see them still. Just before the man opened the door, he leaned in to Lieutenant Masterson and kissed her. She kissed him back and for a moment they intertwined their bodies passionately. Katerina dropped her eyes, embarrassed to have watched such a private moment. She quickly hurried back closer to the door where she would not be able to see them, but not before she was reminded of her kiss with West the night before. Hot shame burned her cheeks. The way she had just run out on him. She had probably overreacted and now, even if she wanted to see him again, there was no way he was ever going to call her. But that was probably for the best. At this point, she just didn’t want to deal with it. She had enough on her plate, trying to start this new job and keep her sanity at the same time.

The door to Lieutenant Masterson's office opened and the man walked out with a last wave goodbye. Lieutenant Masterson beckoned to Katerina. Katerina followed her into the office and sat in the chair the man had vacated.

"You are Ginger Holloway?"

Katerina nodded. "I go by Katerina."

Lieutenant Masterson smiled and made a note on the piece of paper in front of her. "Katerina. Got it. First let me tell you welcome aboard. We want to get you out on the ambulance quickly so I'll make this fast.”

Katerina nodded and Lieutenant Masterson went on. "You will be on probation for three months. During that time you will be placed with a field training paramedic. Obviously your training is complete, and the paramedic will be dividing duties with you like an ordinary partner, but at the same time he will be observing you. If you perform any dangerous medical procedures or make any questionable decisions, or neglect protocol in any way, the training paramedic will override your decisions and then discuss them with you later. If you do not learn from any mistakes that you make, and you make too many of them, you may be subject to dismissal."

Katerina nodded, a bit shocked and dismayed. She hadn't considered that the job wasn’t a done deal.

Liquid brown eyes. Blonde ponytail. Red lipstick.

Katerina swallowed, ignoring the picture show in her mind, and tried to encourage herself. She knew she was a good paramedic. She knew her medical knowledge was top-notch. She knew she could do this.

Lieutenant Masterson went on. "I don't expect that to happen. You were top in your class and you received top marks in your field training program, which is why we chose you for this pilot program here at the fire department."

Katerina raised her eyebrows. "Pilot program?"

Lieutenant Masterson nodded. "You didn't know? You are the only non-firefighter working here. We've been short on paramedics for a long time because it's too hard to train them within the fire department, so we are trying something new. We are hiring paramedics who only work on the ambulances for the first time ever. You are our test hire."

Katerina's mouth suddenly felt dry. So not only
her
job was riding on her performance, but this entire pilot program was also.

"Do you have any questions for me?" Lieutenant Masterson asked.

Katerina shook her head, not feeling capable of forming an intelligent question.

"Okay, let's get you to your ambulance. You'll be on ambulance twelve today." Lieutenant Masterson stood and waited for Katerina to do the same. Then she led Katerina out the door and towards an ambulance in the corner.

Katerina followed, feeling slightly sick at the prospect of trying to work today with her brain not fully under her control.

A man knelt over a large aid bag next to the ambulance. He appeared to be counting the contents within. Katerina eyed him curiously; he looked familiar somehow. As they got close, the man zipped up the bag and turned around, a smile on his face.

Katerina felt her heart drop into her feet. It was West. His smile faltered for only a moment when he saw her. Then his eyes crinkled warmly.

Lieutenant Masterson spoke. "West Shepherd, this is your apprentice for the next three months, Katerina Holloway.”

West took a step forward and held out his hand. He looked deep into Katerina's eyes the way he had the night before. "It's nice to meet you, Katerina Holloway," he said.

Katerina's arm raised involuntarily. His hands swallowed hers and her mind stuttered.

Lieutenant Masterson looked from West to Katerina, a slight frown on her face. "Katerina, are you okay?"

Katerina drew in a deep breath and forced a smile onto her face. "Yes, fine, sorry.” To West she said, “It's good to meet you too."

Lieutenant Masterson smiled, apparently convinced. "You two have only a few minutes to be on the road." West nodded, and the lieutenant turned around and walked back to her office.

Katerina lifted her gaze, and looked at West again.
Yes it was still him.

"You're not a cop," she said.

A corner of West’s mouth curled up into a sardonic grin. "Sorry to disappoint you.”

"I'm not disappointed, I just…"

"I was in a cop bar, so you thought I was a cop. My friend Blaise is the cop. That's his favorite bar and sometimes he drags me there with him."

"Oh…" was all she could think to say. Hot blood flooded her cheeks as she remembered asking him to take her to his house, and how he didn’t want to.

West took in Katerina's brilliant green eyes and her pretty hair, pulled neatly back into a braid. She looked good. He tried to remember if they had talked about what they did the night before and he didn't think so. They’d talked about work, but neither had asked the other what they did. She didn't look happy to see him, though. He couldn't decide if this was good news that she was here or bad news, but she was here and he was determined to make the best of it. He had thought about her frequently the night before, while saying goodbye to his wife. If he were to be completely honest with himself, it had been Katerina who had given him the courage to make that leap. A desire to be available for Katerina. He’d realized he would never be available if he still held Stephanie foremost in his heart and his home. Now that he saw her again he felt totally clear, not only did he want to be available for her, he wanted to date her, paramedic or not. Of course, the fact that he was evaluating her performance for the next three months, complicated things. It wasn't against any rule for the paramedics to date each other, but since he would technically be her evaluator, that would be skating an ethical line. Oh well, he didn't need to worry about that just now. For now, he would be happy just to get back on comfortable speaking terms with her.

He tried to decide what to do first. He noticed her eyes still looked as haunted as they had the night before. He could clearly see pain bubbling below the surface. Maybe he could help her. Draw her out. Get her to talk about it. But after they got on the road.

"I'll drive," he told her, and headed for the cab of the ambulance. She didn't move at first but he didn't want to stop and look back. He was afraid he would spook or offend her.

He climbed into the driver’s seat and slammed the door. He could see in his mirror that she was still standing where he had left her. He was just about to get out and go talk to her when she finally got moving. She ran around to the other side and climbed in.

West put the ambulance in reverse and backed slowly into the center of the bay, then pulled out. "Do you know the ten codes yet?" he asked her.

"Yes," she replied softly.

"You've got the radio then," he told her. "Tell them we are in service. We are medic twelve."

From the corner of his eye he watched her pick up the radio and depress the button on the side. “Medic twelve, 10-8,” she said, in that same soft voice.

As West pulled out onto Front Street, he could see her squirming in her seat. She seemed to be working up the nerve to say something. Finally she spit it out.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but because we have a, uh, a history together, maybe someone else should be my trainer?"

West raised his eyebrows. "You can talk to Lieutenant Masterson if you want. I can bring you back here on our lunch break if that's what you decide to do. But there might be an issue."

"An issue?"

"Yeah. All the paramedics in the regular training program refused to take you on. Just about everyone in the department is against hiring paramedics outside of the department instead of training someone who is already a firefighter. I understand why Lieutenant Masterson proposed the idea and why it was pushed through, there's lots of reasons for it, but  most of the paramedic-firefighters don't want to support the program. They are afraid that you and the people who follow you won't pull your weight. Or that it will erode their job security. Lieutenant Masterson came to me personally and asked me to evaluate you as a favor to her. Otherwise I wouldn't have done it either. Not because I have anything against hiring paramedics who aren't firefighters, but because all of my coworkers are so set against it. I've been getting a bit of flack about agreeing."

West threw a glance at Katerina and noticed she had shrunk somehow; her face was sad and her shoulders drooped. He quickly looked back to the road. "It's not as bad as it sounds. Don't be upset. People are resistant to change, especially when it affects their jobs. They'll come around."

She didn’t say anything.

Desperate to change the subject, West cast around for something else to talk about. "How are you with IVs and intubations?"

"I'm good," she said, and West was glad to hear a bit of confidence in her voice.

"With both?"

"Yes."

West smiled. He’d be the judge of that. "Okay, you've got all IVs and all intubations today. Other than that, just let me call the shots. It's your first day out, you can get a sense of how we do things here at the Westwood Harbor Fire Department."

Out of the corner of his eye, West saw Katerina look at him. He stopped the ambulance at a red light and looked at her too. She was smiling. A wide, genuine smile and the simple beauty of it almost knocked him over. God, she was gorgeous.

He noticed the car in front of him moving and turned his attention back to the road. She laughed suddenly, sharply, almost like it was forced out of her.

"What? What's funny?"

"Nothing," she said. "I'm just happy."

He snuck a quick look at her, and she certainly did look happy. Radiant almost. Vastly different then how she'd looked when she showed up.

She flapped a hand at him. "Sorry, I just, uh, I've just had a lot of worries on my mind lately, but I'm feeling better. Maybe it's starting a new job. It cleared some things up for me."

West felt relief in his chest for her. Relief and happiness. He wouldn’t have to draw her out after all.

The radio crackled, calling them. Katerina answered like a pro, quickly grabbing a pen and paper to record their assignment.

***

Four hours later, they'd had five calls. One bike messenger who plowed into the back of a car and was pretty banged up; one heart attack, CPR in progress; two car accidents, neither one of them serious; a probable stroke; and a homeless man who wanted a ride to the hospital for methadone, a drug that helps heroin users stop using heroin.

It'd been a busy day so far, And West was looking forward to a break. He figured Katerina had to be also. He remembered how difficult it was when he was training. Being a paramedic is stressful enough, but when you're just learning the stress can be double or triple.

But she’d done wonderfully. She had started two IVs and intubated the man who had the heart attack. Paramedics get a lot of practice inserting IVs during their hospital and field training but usually only one or two chances at intubating someone. The only time someone needed to be intubated - having a tube inserted into the trachea - was if they weren't breathing. And luckily, the majority of the calls they got just weren't that serious.

She hadn't been boasting. Her IVs were perfect and she placed each of them on the first try, both in the back of the hand, which was one of the harder places to place an IV.

And when she'd intubated the man who'd needed CPR, he held his breath at her first attempt. But it had been her only attempt. She placed it perfectly, double checking by listening to the man's lungs with her stethoscope, and then asking West to listen also. He'd been glad she had invited him, not wanting to offend her by double checking her work. 
It's your job to double check her work
, he reminded himself. But after her performance today he didn't think he would need to very often, or at all.

The radio crackled and dispatch sent them to lunch.

They were sitting outside the hospital, after dropping off their latest patient. He turned to her and asked, "Do you want to go somewhere for lunch?"

She gave him a guarded look and said, "No thanks, I brought my lunch."

"Oh, okay. Do you mind if I grab something?"

"Not at all."

She reached behind her seat and pulled out her backpack. He saw her take what looked like a breakfast bar out of it and open it, chewing slowly.

That was her lunch?

West headed downtown, planning on spending his lunch like he usually did. After a few miles drive, they drove under an overpass. A homeless man selling roses on the corner waved and ran after the ambulance. West pulled over at the first opportunity.

The man ran up to the driver’s seat and West rolled down his window. "Hey Gene, how's it going?"

Gene shook West’s hand and laughed, showing a toothless grin. "Good man, good. We missed you yesterday."

"Sorry Gene, I got pretty busy. Did you guys eat?"

Gene cackled. "No worries, no worries. We pooled our money and were able to feed everyone."

West nodded. "That's good. How many you got back there today?"

"About twenty, twenty-five."

"Okay, see you in fifteen."

West rolled up the window and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He noticed Katerina looking at him curiously. He held up a finger as the restaurant he was calling picked up. After they greeted him he told them his name and said he needed thirty meals to go. When his order was taken, he turned the ambulance around and headed a few streets over to the restaurant he’d called. "Sometimes I pick up some meals for some of the homeless," he explained limply, hoping she didn’t think he was showing off.

But, "oh," was all she said.

He parked the ambulance in front of the restaurant and asked Katerina if she wanted to come in.

"I can help you carry meals," she said.

"You don't have to – they box it all up for me and the owner helps me carry it out."

He saw the look on her face and wasn't sure how to interpret it. "But you can if you want," he said quickly.

She nodded and they walked inside the restaurant. The hostess, Jillian, greeted him warmly and he gave her a hug, then introduced Katerina. Their introductions were interrupted by the owner, Juan, who shouted at West from across the room. West smiled. Juan was a good guy. He always gave West a deep discount on the meals West picked up for the homeless. West had tried to talk him out of it, but Juan insisted. He wanted to contribute too.

West introduced Katerina again and then Juan loaded them up with sealed bags of take-out meals. They stacked them in the front of the ambulance, between the two seats, then drove away, heading for the makeshift homeless encampment.

"Those meals smell heavenly," Katerina said.

West looked at her questioningly, wondering why she hadn't gotten herself some food. She looked hungry, the way she was sniffing the air.

"How often do you do this?" Katerina asked.

West shrugged. "A few times a week."

"But thirty meals? That must've cost you almost $300."

West shook his head. "Not that much. Just under $200. The owner gives me a great deal."

Katerina's eyebrows furrowed. "You spend $600 a week on meals for the homeless?" She asked, her voice incredulous.

West shrugged again. It was probably twice that. Honestly, he bought them dinner five or six times a week.

"How can you afford that? I know you don't make enough money to do that as a paramedic."

West pressed his lips together. He hated talking about money. "Inheritance," he mumbled.

He felt Katerina's stare upon him and was glad when they pulled up into the homeless encampment. It was under the overpass, set back in a corner next to an abandoned lot. There were a few tents, and a few cardboard boxes, and several shopping carts. But mostly it was low-profile. As long as nobody complained, the police did not come down here and make them move. When they did have to clean up and move somewhere else, they normally ended up right back here within a week or two. It was a good spot, with access to panhandling areas close by, and shelter from the rain and the sun.

He stopped the ambulance quickly and jumped out, hoping to avoid any more questions. People streamed towards him, smiles on all their faces, everyone willing to help.

***

Katerina watched West distribute food containers and then carry the last few into the camp. People swarmed around him. They hugged him and shook his hand and everyone seemed to want a word with him. She watched him with slight disbelief, wondering why he was working as a paramedic if he had an inheritance. But then the answer hit her upside the head. He enjoyed it. She watched him offer a food container to an elderly man in a wheelchair and shook her head. He kept surprising her. She thought briefly that she was glad to be working with him. But in the next thought she wished she wasn’t. Because if she wasn’t, maybe they could have explored what they had started back in the bar. But she was. And besides, he hadn’t wanted to go any farther. She pushed the desire out of her mind and watched him walk back to the ambulance.

He climbed into the driver seat and retrieved the last bag from between the seats.  He lifted it and looked at her. "There are a couple meals left. Would you like one?"

Katerina's mouth watered. Well, if it was an extra… She didn't want it to go to waste. "Yes, that'd be great."

He broke the seal on the bag and handed her a to-go container. She placed it on her lap and opened it up. Teriyaki chicken, rice, vegetables and a small bowl of what looked like custard greeted her. Unconsciously, she licked her lips and started eating.