Hienama (15 page)

Sinnar regarded me thoughtfully
for some moments, hands folded on his desk. ‘You should have at
least come to me and told me you needed time away. I run a
business, Jass, and it’s the lifeblood of this community. You left
tasks half-finished. It was inconsiderate of you just to take off
like that. Also, I don’t think it was right that you just dumped
your son on Fahn. You’re an adult. You have responsibilities now,
much as you and Zehn might want to keep play-acting at being
reckless young hara, still bleeding from inception.’

I displayed my hands. ‘I’m
sorry.’

‘You can say that as many times
as you like, but I just want you to think about it.’ He softened.
‘I know you’re having a hard time, and that you went to our home to
see Gesaril. Was that what made you run?’

I nodded. ‘Yes. Sort of. Don’t
blame Zehn. He was trying to help me sort my head out.’

Sinnar grunted vaguely. ‘Have
you spoken to Ysobi yet?’

I shook my head. ‘No. He took
Zeph from Fahn’s house.’

‘I know. I advised him to. The
harling shouldn’t suffer because his parents can’t act like
grown-ups.’

I looked at Sinnar in appeal.
‘I don’t know whether Ysobi even wants to see me. I don’t know what
to think.’

‘I’ll summon him here,’ Sinnar
said. ‘You should confront one another. This situation is more
serious than you think, but I won’t speak about it until Ysobi is
here too. I doubt he’d want you to hear what I’ve got to say, but
to be honest I don’t care if it embarrasses him. Things have gone
on long enough.’

It was the closest I’d ever seen Sinnar
get to being angry.

When Ysobi walked into that
office, he was like a stranger wearing a familiar face. He looked
gorgeous, though. It hurt me to see him. He wouldn’t meet my eyes
beyond an initial curt greeting and a nod of the head. I got the
impression he was mortified rather than hostile. Ysobi had always
seemed so in control of himself, but that day he was almost like an
abashed child. Sinnar bade Ysobi sit in a chair beside me, and
stared at us both. Uncomfortable silence stretched out. Ysobi
cleared his throat, crossed his legs. I was puzzled that he didn’t
speak.

‘Well,’ Sinnar said. ‘Something
intrigues me. Tell me, do you two know what a chesna bond
constitutes?’

‘Yes,’ I said.

Ysobi said softly,
exasperatedly, ‘For Ag’s sake, Sin.’

‘Yes, for the Aghama’s sake,’
Sinnar said firmly. ‘Come on, tell me – at least one of you. I want
to hear it.’

Ysobi just stared at Sinnar,
with something like challenge in his eyes.

I spoke just to break the
silence. ‘It’s when two hara want to share their life together,
unconditionally.’

‘Is that so?’ Sinnar said. ‘So
tell me, what does unconditionally mean?’

‘It means,’ Ysobi said in a
rather insulting drawl, ‘that the relationship simply exists as an
entity, but there are no demands made by either party, just serene
acceptance of the common feeling. It is a union beyond jealousy and
insecurity and the need to possess.’

I sensed criticism in those
words. ‘That’s exactly what it is,’ I said, turning in my chair to
face him, ‘but it’s also honesty and respect.’

Ysobi gave me a hard glance. It
transfixed me.

‘It’s all of those things,’
Sinnar said. ‘It’s Wraeththu’s way of honouring true love, for want
of a less sentimental term. We have striven to overcome human
weakness, but to be frank all I’ve seen recently is like something
from my old human life. My parents behaved like you did. It saddens
me.’

‘Sinnar, it seems to me we were
wrong,’ I said, turning away from Ysobi. ‘What we had wasn’t
chesna. It was something else.’

‘Jassenah!’ Ysobi snapped.
‘Don’t talk like a spoiled child.’

‘Ysobi, stop
insulting
me,’ I retorted.

‘Both of you, shut up,’ Sinnar
said. ‘I don’t think Jass is entirely blameless in this situation,
but the time has come for some painful truths to be spoken, Yz.
I’ve sent word to Kyme for your mentor to come here.’

‘What?’ Ysobi said. ‘Why?’

‘Because it’s clear to me you
need his guidance. I don’t want to lose you, because you’re
valuable to our community, but I can’t tolerate your…
indiscretions
any longer.’

‘What do you mean by that?’
Ysobi asked icily.

‘I mean that you seem to have
an unhealthy addiction to certain behaviours. It’s like I imagine a
serial killer would be. They kill, then can manage for so long
without killing, before the urge takes them again.’

Ysobi laughed. ‘You can’t be
serious!’

‘I am very serious. On the one
hand, you obviously want a chesna bond with somehar, but on the
other you do all in your power to destroy it once you have it. You
have an unsavoury tendency to seduce your students in a manner that
leaves them vulnerable…’

Ysobi stood up. ‘I won’t listen
to this. Are you mad? All I do is care for those who need my care.
I’ve made the mistake of trying to have chesna relationships with
hara I love – and believe me, I loved all of them – but now I
realise it’s impossible. There are no hara removed enough from
their humanity to properly understand what a chesna bond should
be.’

Sinnar’s voice was low in comparison to
Ysobi’s heated remarks. He folded his hands before him. ‘You have
to listen to me, Yz. Sit down!’

Ysobi hesitated, then did
so.

‘I am phylarch of this
community,’ Sinnar said, ‘and its welfare comes before all other
considerations. You have a good reputation, which means that Jesith
has a good reputation. If you insist on destroying that, it
reflects on everyhar else. These dramatic episodes are ridiculous.
Once could have been an accident, twice a mistake, but three
times?’ Sinnar shook his head. ‘It has to stop, or you will no
longer operate from our Nayati.’

‘Are you firing me?’

‘No, not yet. I’m fond of you.
I want you to realise there’s a problem and then sort it out.’

‘My private life is my
business,’ Ysobi said coldly. ‘You have no right to lecture me on
it, or have I misunderstood the role of the phylarch in our
community?’

‘It is your business, yes,’
Sinnar answered mildly, ‘but when it affects the community as a
whole it becomes mine also. Gesaril should be sent home, but do you
really think we could send him back to his family at the moment?
He’ll tell them everything, and if not them, then somehar else. He
came to us as a healthy young har and now he’s a demented neurotic!
So much for your “first-class training.” Just how will that look?
What in the Aghama’s name was in your head while you were sneaking
into my house to take aruna with him?’

‘I did not sneak into your
house,’ Ysobi said. ‘Neither did I visit him for the purpose you
suggested. Don’t cheapen my calling, Sinnar. I have a
responsibility to Gesaril, which everyhar in Jesith seems to want
me to ignore. I can’t help the way he feels about me, but I do feel
responsible for helping him get over it.’

‘Maybe you should stop acting
like a high-class whore during training, then,’ I said.

Both hara gawped at me in surprise.

I shrugged. ‘Well, it was the
arunic arts that contributed to me falling for Ysobi in the first
place. I’d never experienced anything like it. I’m not surprised
others have been affected like I was.’ I turned to face Ysobi
again. ‘You once said I seduced you. Well… if I did, it was because
you wanted me to, I think. There’s a depth to what you do that
transcends mere training, Yz. It’s a deep connection. I don’t think
you’re academic about it at all, really. Not every hienama offers
that kind of training. It’s your speciality. You’re known for it.
Hara pay you to come and get it.’ I gestured with both hands. ‘So
what does that make you? What does that make them?’

‘Do Orphie and Aeron come into
that category?’ he asked me, deadpan.

‘No. You don’t fancy
them
, do you?’

I glanced at Sinnar and saw
that he was attempting to smother a smile. When he caught me
looking at him, he straightened his face.

‘All I ever did was love you,’
Ysobi said, ‘and you repaid me with suspicion and savagery.’

‘All I ever did was love you,’
I countered, ‘and you repaid me with betrayal. A chesna bond is
supposed to be unassailable. We should be able to be intimate with
any number of hara and it shouldn’t affect our relationship, but I
knew Gesaril was a threat from the start. And as soon as I saw him,
I knew
you
would be a liability.’ I sighed. ‘Why
did
you want him so much? Was it worth it? Was he so wonderful he
eclipsed me in your eyes? We were so content before he came here. I
just don’t understand.’

‘I am not in love with
Gesaril,’ Ysobi said. ‘I’ve tried to explain to you dozens of times
the way it is, and all I get is this possessive crap.’

‘I’m
not…
Oh, fuck it!’
I pressed my hands against my eyes briefly. ‘What’s the point? We
can’t understand each other’s views. We might as well just decide
what’s to be done with Zeph and get it all over with.’

‘I’ll tell you what you’ll do,’
Sinnar said.

Ysobi and I both turned to
him.

‘Jass, you’ll visit Gesaril and
apologise for the curse he believes you’ve put on him. Or rather,
you’ll tell him it wasn’t a curse.’

I felt myself colour up. ‘What?
Why does he think that?’

‘He said you cursed him when
you visited his bedside. You should make it clear to him you
didn’t… supposing that you didn’t! He told me what you said. You
should take it back.’

I stared at my hands. ‘After
what he said to me? I don’t suppose he told you
that.
Do you
really expect me to make him feel better?’

Sinnar was firm in his
response. ‘Yes, because he’s young and unhinged, and you’re not. It
was Ysobi you should have confronted, not Gesaril. You are twice
the har he is, and you terrified him. We have to attempt some
damage limitation here. Ysobi, you will tell Gesaril that you can
no longer be involved in his caste training, that you have become
too personally concerned. You will also apologise to him. When
Codexia Huriel arrives from Kyme, you will ask him to help you, Yz.
I hope he can help Gesaril also.’ Ysobi tried to say something, but
Sinnar silenced him. ‘Say nothing. This is the way it will be. You
need to talk to Huriel about the problems you’ve been having. Aruna
is not just sex, it’s a potent force, and I really don’t think hara
yet appreciate the extent of its power. You need to control this
“effect” you have on the impressionable. We can’t risk anything
like this happening again. Do you understand me?’

‘You have no idea,’ Ysobi said,
then shook his head. ‘I’m sorry, Sinnar, but you really don’t know
what you’re talking about.’

‘Maybe I don’t,’ Sinnar said.
‘You’re the hienama, not me. I’m just the har who has to keep
things running smoothly in this town, and unfortunately for you, my
word is law. As I said, I don’t want to lose you, not least because
you’re a good friend. But if you can’t see there’s a problem, I
don’t know how we can proceed. In some ways, this is partly my
fault. I should have addressed the situation with you after
Morien.’

Ysobi stood up again. ‘I have
to go now, Sinnar. I’ll speak to you again later.’ He glanced at
me. ‘Zeph is with me, Jass.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘Do you want
me to fetch him?’

‘No. He’s my son too. Come and
see him, if you want to.’ With these words, he walked out. Sinnar
didn’t try to stop him.

I sat there for some moments,
dazed. It hadn’t gone particularly well, I thought. I hadn’t been
lofty and objective enough.

Sinnar sighed and stretched. He
rolled his head around and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘I could do
without all this,’ he said.

‘I
am
really sorry.’

‘It’s Zeph I worry about. Jass,
what
do
you want?’

‘The truth?’ I laughed coldly.
‘A rewind of time. Despite everything, I love that har. I must be
mad.’

Sinnar’s voice was gentler now.
‘Then go and see him, talk to him. Let the dust settle a little,
but when you go to him, don’t argue. Remember what was said about
chesna. I don’t think you were wrong to be close to him. I think
your bond was real. He just has a warped sense of duty to his
students, and yes, I think you might have hit on a partial truth
with what you said about his training methods. You ran, but you
came back. This is your home and you’re an asset to our community.
Don’t throw everything away without trying to salvage what’s
precious.’

‘You’re a wise har,’ I said.
‘Jesith is lucky to have you.’

‘Wise?’ Sinnar laughed. ‘Not
that. I just look for the easiest and cleanest ways out of
trouble.’

‘I’ll go and see Gesaril. But
not yet, OK?’

‘Don’t leave it too long,’
Sinnar said, ‘any of it. If you do, it might be too late to
act.’

I stood up. ‘I understand.’ I
ducked my head. ‘Thank you.’

For another couple of days, I
kept my distance from both Ysobi and Gesaril. Fahn was still rather
frosty with me, and Orphie also kept away, which made me sad.
Minnow and Vole were fine, even if there were some uncomfortable
moments when I first saw them again. I asked Minnow to bring Zeph
from the Nayati to spend time with me. I couldn’t face Ysobi
yet.

Zeph was clearly upset and my
heart contracted. ‘When can we come home?’ he asked in a small
mournful voice and it brought tears to my eyes.

‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I’m
sorry, Zeph, but…’

How to tell a harling his
parents had reached a cold bitter place? It was so wrong, so
human
, as Sinnar had pointed out.

‘You should go and see Ysobi,’
Minnow said to me.

‘He could have come here,’ I
countered. ‘He hasn’t.’

Minnow rolled his eyes. ‘Look,
one of you has to bludgeon down the pride!’