Hienama (5 page)

I screwed up my nose. ‘Well,
I’m kind of busy tonight.’

Zehn’s eyebrows went up.
‘Busy?’

‘I’m spending the evening with
a friend.’

Zehn frowned quizzically. ‘Who?
Can’t they come too?’

I turned to Ysobi. ‘We could go
over, if you’d like to.’

Ysobi raised his hands,
shrugged. He looked cautious. ‘I…’

Zehn laughed loudly. ‘No! I
don’t believe it! Don’t tell me you’re out on a purely social
level, Yz.’

I had never seen Ysobi look
embarrassed, and the sight of it made me angry at Zehn. ‘Yz and I
are spending the evening together,’ I said. ‘We might come over
later. We’ll see how we feel. OK?’ I bared my teeth at him in a
fierce smile.

Zehn stared at me for a moment.
He wasn’t laughing now. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘See you.’

After he’d gone, Ysobi
scratched at his hair and rubbed his face with both hands. He kept
his fingers over his nose for a moment, eyes closed.

‘Don’t mind him,’ I said. ‘He
lacks manners.’

Ysobi shook his head, reached
for his glass. ‘It’s OK.’

‘No, really. Zehn is jealous,
that’s all.’

‘What of, Jass?’ Ysobi drained
his glass.

I didn’t say anything.

‘Look,’ Ysobi said, ‘maybe we
shouldn’t be doing this.’

‘Why not?’

‘I make it a principle not to
socialise with my students, you know that. I hope you also know
why.’

I folded my arms on the table top.
‘Perhaps you should tell me.’

‘Because of the nature of my
work. Jass, I…’ He rubbed his face again. ‘Look, I can’t get into
relationships easily. It would be difficult for any har I’m with.
My work is intense sometimes, you know that. Hara find that…
problematical. I have to be there for my students, always, and that
would often be at the expense of anyhar who shared my life.’

‘I understand,’ I said, and
added casually, ‘Yz, we’re only having dinner. It’s not a blood
bond, or anything! Lighten up.’

‘I’ve been burned,’ he said.
‘In the past.’

‘I can see that. Stop worrying
about it. We were having fun. Let’s just erase the last few minutes
and remember where we were.’

‘Yeah.’ Ysobi sighed. ‘You
remember you asked me a while ago if any student had ever fallen
for me? You must know the answer. I have to be so careful.’

I ducked my head. ‘I know.’

‘It’s different with you
because you’re older. More sensible, I guess.’

I put my head to one side,
smiled in what I hoped was an understanding way. ‘I like you, Yz.
You’ve taught me so much. I won’t do anything that will make you
feel compromised or uncomfortable. I mean that. When the training
is over, I want us to be friends. You should have friends. There’s
more to life than work.’

He refilled his glass from the
jug of cider we’d ordered. ‘You think you’ll stay here in Jesith,
then?’

‘I haven’t got anywhere better
to go. I’ve put down roots now. I have a job, friends… I like it
here.’

He nodded. ‘It’s a good
place.’

There was a silence, then I
asked: ‘Do you want to go to the Pool?’

Ysobi hesitated. ‘Why not? Let’s get
the tongues wagging. I’ve not been out to a bar for years, never
mind watched live music.’

‘Excellent!’

‘Jass…’ He drew in his breath.
‘This
is
just a meal and a drink between friends, isn’t
it?’

I didn’t answer immediately.
Eventually, I said, ‘You call the shots, Yz. If that’s all you
want, that’s all it is.’

He laughed uncertainly. ‘I
can’t give you anything.’

‘I disagree. You can give quite
a lot; good companionship, friendship. That shouldn’t be a
sacrifice. You’re allowed to have a life.’

He reached out and touched one
of my hands. ‘Thank you.’

I meant what I said. If more
came of it, I would naturally be overjoyed, but I was happy to take
what he felt he could give. If that was the occasional meal
together, I’d be grateful. It was more than most hara could get
from him, I knew that.

As Ysobi predicted, our arrival
together at Willow Pool Garden caused a stir. He knew just about
everyhar there, of course, but not in this way. They were curious
as to how I’d persuaded him to leave his Nayati. Still, on the
whole, it seemed to me that hara were glad he was there. They
berated him for not having joined them before.

The band was very good; they
played fiddles and drums and flutes. They had dancers with them,
who performed nearly naked, twining between members of the
audience. Hara showered them with gifts. Inevitably, Zehn ended up
with one of them by the end of the evening. Everyhar had drunk a
lot, the mood was high. We piled out into the street around four in
the morning, everyhar singing and horsing around. Ysobi put his arm
round my waist. I had never seen him so happy. ‘You enjoyed
yourself, admit it,’ I said.

He squeezed me a little. ‘It’s
been fun.’

‘Do you want a final drink
before bedtime?’

‘I could fit one more in,’ he
said.

‘Come back to mine, then,’ I
said. ‘Sample my staff privileges.’

‘Sounds good.’

In my living room, I lit
candles, noticing there was still a mark on the sofa where Zehn had
lain. I threw a cushion over it. ‘Sit down,’ I said to Ysobi. ‘I’ll
just go and peruse my ‘cellar’, see what I can find.’

He threw himself down on the
sofa, and I padded out to the kitchen, where there was a cold room.
Here I kept all the bottles that Sinnar had given me; he insisted
all his hara took their pick of everything we made. I didn’t feel
too drunk, just nicely mellow. I chose a birch sap wine. It was one
of the best.

The kitchen was in darkness.
When I turned round to go back into it, Ysobi was standing behind
me. I jumped in alarm. ‘Yz! You spooked me.’

He took the bottle from my
hand, put it on the table behind him. He took my forearms in his
hands.

‘Yz, what…?’

He put a finger to my lips.
‘Ssh.’

Then we were sharing breath. He
was so hungry for it. Drowning. I could feel his grief, his
loneliness. What could I do but give of myself?
Drink,
I
told him.
Drink all you want.

We staggered against the table
and knocked the bottle over. It smashed on the floor. Ysobi was
hanging onto me so tightly I thought I’d black out. Then he broke
away from me, pressed his forehead to my own. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said.
‘You don’t know how much.’ He took a step back. ‘I can’t do this,
and yet I had to. I can’t do this to you.’

He fled.

I just stood there stunned for
several minutes. Then, like an automaton, I began to clear up the
smashed glass and the lake of splintery wine. There were tears on
my face, yet I wasn’t weeping.

I took another bottle from the cold
room and opened it. Then I went into the living room and sat on the
sofa, swigging from the bottle. What had happened? My mind was on
fire. I’d felt his need. I’d experienced his feelings. He’d run
away. I wouldn’t usually see him for two days, since tonight was
the beginning of the weekend. In two days, I had to formulate a
script we could both live with.

Minnow came round at mid-day,
but I ignored his knocking. I’d hardly had any sleep and the last
thing I wanted was my friend’s eager questions about the previous
evening. When I was sure he’d gone, I got out of bed and dressed
myself. I went into the kitchen and drank some water. Then I went
to the Nayati.

There was no response to my
knock, so I just tried the door and it was open. Ysobi’s living
room was empty. I called his name. Nothing. I went into the garden
and found him there, cross-legged on the grass, deep in trance. I
sat down opposite him, studying his face. He looked wretched. I
know he became aware of my presence, I could just feel it, although
he did not open his eyes.

‘Yz, look at me,’ I said.

His brow furrowed.

‘I think you should talk to me.
I’m not angry or needy. I’m concerned for you.’

He looked at me then. ‘I
shouldn’t have done what I did. I saw in your breath…’ He shook his
head. ‘I told you, I can’t give you anything.’

‘I think you should let me be
the judge of that.’

‘Jass, you
know.
There
will be other students. There are always students.’ He put his head
in his hands. ‘Last night, I saw the potential. It was like a
beautiful garden, glimpsed through a half-open gate. I wanted to
fall back into you, be safe with you. I wanted to talk with you
over breakfast. I wanted to walk with you in the evening. And that
is so, so dangerous.’

I went to his side. ‘Why, Yz? Why is it
dangerous? Do you think I’ll be jealous of your students, cause
trouble for you?’

He nodded. ‘You don’t know what
it’s like.’

‘I’m willing to risk it,’ I
said. ‘I want to.’

‘I want to as well.’ He took me
in his arms then, and we shared breath for a long time. This was
what I’d longed for so much. I couldn’t help but shed a few tears.
He kissed them away, stroked my face. ‘Last night… Jass, I knew. I
knew it wasn’t just a meal between friends. I have tried to hide it
so well, and so have you. How could we have lied to each other so
cleverly? I love you.’

I had never imagined it would
happen so simply and spontaneously: him saying those words I had
longed to hear.

‘Don’t be afraid,’ I said.
‘Just don’t. We’ll live for the moment and see where it takes
us.’

He nodded. ‘I want to believe
in the dream, Jass. I really do.’

I drew away from him. ‘Come
over later. I’ve got a few things to do today. Then we can
talk.’

‘I will.’ He kissed my cheek.
‘Thanks for coming here. I told myself that if you didn’t come, I
must forget about it, but you had the courage to come.’

One thing I was sure of was
that Ysobi had been very badly hurt in the past. He was afraid of
being close to me, because he thought I’d eventually turn on him.
I’d felt that in his breath. I think maybe it had happened to him
more than once.

Back home, I tidied the house
in a kind of euphoric delirium, then went out and fetched a few
things from the market. Minnow turned up again in the afternoon,
just when I got back, so I couldn’t avoid him.

‘Well?’ he demanded.

‘What is it?’

He folded his arms. ‘You know
what! You and Ysobi. Is it true?’

Insouciantly, I moved things around on
the kitchen table. ‘He didn’t stay here last night, if that’s what
you mean. We went out together. That does not constitute a chesna
bond.’

‘Yz does not go out with
anyhar,’ Minnow insisted. ‘Not now.’

I sensed he wanted to tell me
something, but I didn’t really want to hear it. Not from him. ‘I
know about that,’ I said. ‘We’re friends, that’s all. If it’s meant
to go any further, then it will. I have no expectations.’

‘Don’t get messed up,’ Minnow
said. ‘Please, Jass. Be careful. Lots of hara have been taken under
his spell while they train with him. It’s a hazard.’

‘I’m old and wise enough to
look after myself,’ I said. ‘I’m not stupid.’

Minnow’s expression was dark.
‘I know. But sometimes Ysobi
is
.’

‘You said yourself, he doesn’t
see anyhar. This is different.’

Minnow shook his head and
sighed. ‘I hope so.’

Ysobi came round about 7.30
again. Like the previous night, he was not wearing his hienama
gear. I made us dinner and we talked. Well, he talked mainly. There
were no names mentioned specifically, and he skirted the subject,
but I knew he was trying to tell me of failed chesna bonds before.
He wanted me to assure him I wasn’t going to take offence too
easily. ‘I’ll be taking other students in the New Year,’ he said.
‘Maybe that will be the test.’

‘I’m willing to take it,’ I
said. ‘Really, Yz, don’t worry. This is all too new. There’s no
point fretting about the future. It might never happen.’

‘You’re right. That’s what I’d
tell anyhar else.’ He laughed. ‘It’s sometimes hard to practice
what you preach.’

Now that I felt I had him, it
was a delicious torment to keep my hands off him. I knew he
wouldn’t be leaving me that night. We went for a walk, as he’d
dreamed of doing, holding hands in the darkness like harlings. We
kissed briefly beneath the horse chestnuts that were shedding their
glossy conkers. The air was chill, smelling of smoke and ripe
fruit. We stroked the friendly sheep in the field next to my
cottage, who came to us like ghosts over the grass, seeking the
titbits I’d often give them. Then we went inside again.

‘Do you want a hot drink?’ I
asked him.

‘Please,’ he said. ‘Bring it
upstairs.’

‘OK.’

He smiled at me and headed for
the stairs.

When I went up, he was lying in
my bed, his dark hair spread out around him. I couldn’t believe
this was happening. It was literally a dream come true. I gave him
the drink and he sat up to sip it. I sat beside him on top of the
covers and kissed his bare shoulders. The room was warm because I’d
built a fire in there earlier. There was no way I wanted to be
inhibited by huddling beneath the blankets in a freezing room.

‘I’m nervous,’ Ysobi said. ‘Can
you believe it?’

I stroked his back. ‘Yes. This
will be different. We both know that.’

He grimaced. ‘You’ll see inside
me. I hope you like what you see.’

‘Hush.’

He put down the mug on the
bedside table and lay back, staring up at me. His expression was
almost pleading. I stood up and took off my clothes, then climbed
in beside him. In the light of my dim bedroom oil lamp, he looked
like the most exotic har ever to walk the earth. I held him close,
shared breath with him. For a time, we lingered in the outer
courtyard of pleasure; the stroking of sensitive skin, the caress
of silky hair, the light kisses on neck and arms. Then his fingers
closed around my ouana-lim and gently massaged me. I reached down
and put my hand over his ouana-lim, felt it slowly draw back into
him, like a soft fragile creature retreating into a cave. He opened
his legs for me, all the time staring into my eyes. I wanted to
taste him, as he had tasted me so many times, but perhaps not now.
I caressed his soume-lam a little, very gently. He was swollen with
desire, slippery beneath my fingers. He pulled me onto him and I
entered him carefully, with reverence. I felt him seize me, the
folds clenching around me. We moved together in the simple act of
aruna and he opened his mind to me. It was elemental, the fusing of
waves and fire, but the waters were serene and the flames were an
eternal pure blue. I had never been with a har like this, so full
of love. Our union felt like the ultimate privilege bestowed upon
hara by creation. It was such a gentle thing. When we reached our
climax, it was like the river flowing, caressed by willow branches,
cool and clean. He said my name, held me close. It was like coming
home, after a long time away.