Hienama (3 page)

‘There are five energy centres
within the soume-lam,’ he said. ‘They are called sikras. I’m going
to activate the first two, perhaps the third. While I do this,
focus your mind on that area of your body. Pay attention to
sensation. This is not for pleasure.’

I was lying there with my eyes
closed, tense as a wire. I expected him to use his fingers, but he
didn’t. He used his tongue. What I learned first that day was that
all aruna I’d experienced to date had been fairly basic. I’d been
ouana and rooned hara, and I’d been soume and they’d rooned me, but
I’d done nothing like this. It was electrifying. I hadn’t even
known about sikras, since all aruna to me had been one heady,
intoxicating experience. No har I’d been with had ever been this
precise. Ysobi stimulated the first sikra until it swelled into a
bud. I could feel it and the sensation was incredible. I don’t
think it had ever happened to me before, or if it had, I hadn’t
noticed. I felt as if I was on the brink of an out-of-body
experience. Then he went a little deeper inside and ignited a
second fire within me. I had to make some noise, and all thoughts
of breathing regularly flew up the chimney. Ysobi slowly ran his
tongue over the two swollen sikras a few times and then reached for
the third. Even though I felt drunk, I could tell that each sikra
had a slightly different feeling, like a sound or a taste. The
third one was a distant itch he could just about reach. I was so
beside myself with desire, I pushed down on him. Was this arousing
him too? I couldn’t tell.

Then he drew away from me. I
lay there gasping for a few moments, my entire soume-lam
contracting with need.

‘Focus,’ Ysobi said softly.
‘Feel the energy of it. Feel it circling. Try to contain it.’

I thought he was mad. How could
such a thing be possible? Was he going to leave me like this? I
opened my eyes and looked at him. He was kneeling between my legs,
wiping his mouth with the back of one hand. He smiled at me. ‘Hang
on to that power, let it build within you. Don’t let it dissipate.
When we reach the peak of release, you must send it out as a spear
of intention. For now, you can just send it out for the good of
Jesith and its hara. Just release it, as if it’s a bird that’s
going to fly from your body. Do you understand?’

I must have nodded or made a
sound. Ysobi lifted his robe and I had a brief glimpse of his erect
ouana-lim. Then he leaned forward and pulled me towards him, his
hands at the base of my spine. I felt him touch me, and now his
eyes were closed, while mine were open. I wanted to see him go into
me, if I could, I don’t know why, but the robe was in the way, as
if he was modest. He entered me very slowly, almost teasing. He was
hot and very hard, pushing through the soft yet swollen folds of
me, pushing past the pulsing buds, stimulating them further. It was
as if I had eyes inside myself. He filled me utterly and I could
feel every part of him, even though I was so drenched with my own
fluids and his saliva. I was frantic for him to go deeper, but he
held on to my hips firmly to stop me moving too much and took his
time. Once he was buried in me entirely, he remained still. I could
feel his heart beating through his ouana-lim, I could hear the soft
rush of blood. My fingers clenched on air at my sides, like a cat
marking time.

Ysobi took a deep breath, then
withdrew from me, nearly all the way. It was like the tide going
out. Part of me was drawn out with him. Then he pushed back in, in
a swift deep plunge. The sikras inside me were almost shrieking.
His movements became deep and regular. He released his hold on my
hips a little so I could move with him. I wanted to drag him down,
feel his weight upon me, hold him close, but he was beyond my
reach. We just connected at the groin, with my legs around his
waist. I can remember every moment of it. I can close my eyes and
relive the entire experience in detail. I can remember the power
building up, as if my own release was a tidal wave surging towards
me. Exquisite feelings burst like fireworks, flowers turning into
sparks, sparks turning into flowers. When the inner tongue of his
ouana-lim snaked out, I felt it make contact with the fifth centre
inside me. I think what happens is that this tendril actually
penetrates the flesh of the centre. That’s what it felt like,
anyway. He was in me, but then he was
in
me in a different
way. There was a roar in my head, and the wave crashed over me,
catching me in its maelstrom, throwing me against rocks. The
contractions were so intense, it was almost painful, yet the most
delicious pleasure I had ever experienced. Aruna is often like a
pageant of visions, but this was so physical. Ysobi’s voice was in
my head:
Jassenah, now! Direct it!
It was almost too late,
but somehow I caught it by the tail and threw it out of me with
intention. It was like a fountain of light bursting over me. Ysobi
uttered a cry. I felt him pulse inside me, expelling his own flood.
It was very hot. When his ouana-tongue pulled out from the fifth
centre, I experienced another heady release, and this time, I let
it be mine, not the town’s, or anyhar else’s. Waves of feeling
throbbed through me from the roots of my hair to my toenails. My
body would not let him go until it was done. It held him as I had
wanted to hold him: tightly. It let him go reluctantly, once the
sensations had subsided.

Ysobi withdrew fastidiously and
covered himself. His hair had come loose, but otherwise he appeared
composed. I was just a shaking mass on the floor before him, like a
jellyfish stranded on sand. He put a blanket over me, pressed on my
knees to make me lie flat. I turned onto my side, shuddering.

‘You see,’ Ysobi said. ‘That is
aruna magic.’

Yes, it was. I ached. I wanted
to weep and laugh. I felt as if a universe turned inside me. I was
immense, bigger on the inside than on the outside.

Ysobi moved away, and presently
returned, bringing me a glass of unsweetened apple juice. This I
drank greedily. The taste of it was intense; the very essence of
apple.

‘The soume har is the conductor
in this type of work,’ Ysobi said. ‘It is his responsibility to
build the power, contain it and release it. You did quite well for
your first attempt. Well done.’

I couldn’t speak, because all
the things I wanted to say were inappropriate, such as how
wonderful it had been, how amazing he was, how I wanted to hold
him, share breath, and lie with him among the cushions until we
fell asleep. Nohar had ever touched me that deeply, in any sense.
He had no idea. To him, it was just work. I was bereft.

‘You can take a bath before you
leave, if you like,’ he said.

I didn’t want to. I wanted to
keep the scent of him on me until it wore off on its own. Somehow,
I managed to sit up, the blanket around me. ‘I feel shaky,’ I said,
and realised that my teeth were in fact chattering.

‘You should really take a warm
bath, and perhaps you should sleep. It will be all right if you do
that for a while. I have things I can get on with.’

How could he not be affected by what
had just happened? It shocked me. I was so naïve, and he had proved
it to me.

I dozed for a while, drifting
in and out of sleep. I could hear Ysobi writing, the scratch of a
pen on paper. Was he writing about me, a report of our experience?
Eventually, he shook me to full wakefulness and gave me a cup of
cinnamon tea. ‘How do you feel?’

‘Fine,’ I lied. ‘I’ve never
experienced anything like that. It knocked me around a bit.’

‘It can do that,’ Ysobi said.
‘It’s very different when you take aruna for a purpose.’

To me, the purpose was
irrelevant.
He
had done or shown those things to me. I
wished he could have done it because he wanted me. I wished it
hadn’t been work.

‘We’ll work this way for a
while, and soon it won’t be so disorientating. You’ll learn how to
control it better.’

This news cheered me greatly.
We would be together this way again. I felt better already.

I walked back to my cottage in
a dream. I felt like dancing, yet was almost too tired to move.
When I got home, I went and lay on my bed, face down. No way could
I face going to the vineyard. My mind was numb. I didn’t know what
to think.

Minnow came knocking at the
door later, so I had to get up and let him in. ‘You look awful!’ he
said, as I led him into the kitchen: the social heart of my house.
‘What’s happened?’

‘The arunic arts have
happened,’ I said, rubbing at my hair.

Minnow laughed. ‘Ah! So you
have sampled the famous mind-melting session.’

That was like a knife cut to my
heart. ‘Ysobi is known for it, then?’

Minnow nodded and sat down at
my table. ‘Pretty much, yes. Some hara find it too much to cope
with. They don’t like it. They think it makes aruna too clinical.
He doesn’t care. If the students can’t cope and leave, it’s no loss
to him, or so he thinks. Will he lose you?’

I turned away to put some water
on the stove to boil. ‘No.’

‘He’s weird, I know.’

I concentrated on making a hot
drink, because I didn’t want Minnow to see my face. ‘Does he ever
go out?’ I asked casually. ‘I mean, have a social life.’

‘Not really. He thinks the
whole drinking and chatting thing is shallow, no doubt. He lives
for his work.’

These comments stung me deeply.
I hated the thought of Ysobi doing what he’d done to me to hundreds
of others. It meant I meant nothing to him. Why I should care about
this mystified me, since he was only my teacher. Clearly, I needed
to pull myself together.

‘Are you OK to go out?’ Minnow
asked.

I thought I needed to. ‘Yes,’ I
said. ‘I want a drink… well, several.’

Minnow stood up and slapped me
on the shoulder. ‘Come back down to earth. Forget tea. Take the
water off the stove. Let’s go and find alcohol.’

It might have been drink that
impelled me to do what I did that night, or simply a desire to get
Ysobi out of my head. Whatever the reason, once we got to Willow
Pool Garden, where Vole was waiting for us, I proceeded to drink to
excess. The thunder had come and gone while I’d been asleep at
home, and now the evening was clear; fresh-scented and balmy. We
sat in the garden behind the bar, which overlooked the river. Hara
sprawled on the lawns that went down to the water’s edge. One group
was singing, playing hand drums. I felt strangely ecstatic, as if
Ysobi was there with me, or would come into the garden and look at
me. It was a feeling of anticipation. I couldn’t stop thinking of
him, replaying the afternoon’s events in my head. But at the same
time, I was able to converse and laugh, play the part.

Zehn came up to our group, as usual
with a new har in tow. ‘Hello Jassenah,’ he said to me. It was our
habit now to snipe at each other, much to our friends’ amusement.
That night, I couldn’t be bothered. I turned away from him to talk
to somehar else. He didn’t like that. He didn’t like being
ignored.

I continued to drink and even
shared breath with some har; I can’t remember who it was. At one
point, I was left alone, and I was just sitting there, staring at
the willows, looking for tree spirits, completely intoxicated. It
was then that Zehn decided to take me on. He sat down in front of
me, apparently having shed his companion.

‘You really think a lot of
yourself,’ he said. ‘You’re not as perfect as you like to think,
Jass. Who the hell do you think you are?’

‘Excuse me?’ I laughed in his
face.

‘It’s pathetic the way you
think you’re so much better than everyhar else, it really is. It
makes you look stupid. Hara notice, you know.’

I smirked at him. ‘Your
opinions are of no interest to me, Zehn. What’s the matter? Can’t
you get your head round the fact there’s one har in Jesith who
doesn’t fancy you?’

He made an angry sound, started
to say something, then shut his mouth. He shook his head.

I stared at him, wondering what
I was really looking at. I felt powerful, because I knew he wanted
me to like him. I knew how he felt, that was the thing. And I think
that was what made me say it. ‘I’m going home now. Do you want to
come with me?’

He glanced up at me, and his
eyes were dark and wide. He looked bitter. ‘What?’

‘You heard. The offer’s there.
It’s up to you.’ I stood up.

He stared at the table. I
shrugged and walked into the bar. I saw Minnow heading back towards
the garden and managed to avoid him.

The little street at the front of the
Pool was empty and quiet. I waited a few seconds before I started
to walk home. I wanted to see whether Zehn would come after me, and
if he did, it would tell me a lot.

He caught up with me when I was
halfway home. I heard the running footsteps and laughed softly to
myself. I stopped walking but didn’t turn round.

‘Jass…’

Another feeling came into me, a
sort of vengefulness. I stood for a moment and let the silence
expand, then wheeled round and grabbed hold of him. I pressed my
mouth to his, exhaled deeply, sent my breath deep inside him. He
went limp in my arms, but returned the kiss. I hadn’t shared breath
with Ysobi. I knew he wouldn’t do that with his students. What
would it feel like to touch him that way?

I was light-headed myself
before I broke away from Zehn. He slumped against me, his heart
beating so fast and so hard I could feel it through our clothes.
‘God,’ he said.

I put his left hand through my
right elbow and led him home.

Once we were inside the
cottage, I thought about whether I wanted Zehn in my bed, or
whether I should just push him onto the carpet. If I took him
upstairs, it would probably mean he’d want to sleep here. ‘Do you
want a drink?’ I asked him.

‘OK.’

‘Sit down,’ I said.

He sat on my moth-eaten old
sofa, which despite appearances was very comfortable. I gave him
some wine. I always had wine, of course.