Hindsight (28 page)

“Did any part of you do this because you didn’t think Sean would want you?”

I shook my head, knowing the answer to that, and knowing how it all looked to him. “No. Sean was there for me and we were going to be together, but I wasn’t leaving Tony for Sean. I was leaving him for me. I was getting away from him because it was what I needed to do for myself. I wanted to be with Sean, but I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself if he didn’t want to be with me.”

“So you did it because of Tony?”

“I did it to end it,” I clarified. “Tony would never leave me alone, and the baby only made me realize it.”

“Why not just get an abortion?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.

“If he found out I killed his baby, he would kill me. Why wait for that to happen? Why keep looking over my shoulder, waiting for it, when I could take matters into my own hands and not give him the satisfaction?”

“So you did this to keep Tony from doing it first?”

I nodded. Hearing it spoken aloud made it sound pathetic. It was pathetic, but I was desperate. No matter which way I had looked at it, I was staring down the barrel of a loaded weapon. I had felt as though I only had two options—pull the trigger or wait for it to be pulled by someone else. I wasn’t about to let someone else—namely Tony—make that decision for me. I was done with him making the decisions. It was time I made a few of my own.

“Is the baby…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. My mind couldn’t decide which word to choose, dead or alive.

“No,” he answered, but I didn’t know what it meant. No it’s not dead or no it’s not alive. “It didn’t survive.”

I thought I would feel relief at that, but I didn’t. Instead, I felt full of sorrow and guilt. No, I didn’t want Tony’s baby, but the baby wasn’t just his. It was part mine. From the moment I had found out I was pregnant, I knew exactly when it had happened. There was only one time I could have gotten pregnant, and that was when Tony had forced himself upon me at the kitchen table. I felt disgusted and enraged at that thought. But lying there, in the hospital, hearing that the baby didn’t make it, made me think differently. Hearing the doctor’s question about abortion in my head, it made me realize that the baby was also mine. It sent a wave of guilt through me, leaving me feeling suffocated.

“How do you feel about that?” he asked as you’d imagine any psychiatrist asking.

“Sad.”

“Sad enough to do something about it?”

My eyes snapped back to the doctor. “If you’re asking me if I plan on trying to kill myself again, the answer is no.”

“Why the change in heart from yesterday?”

I bit my lip, trying to keep the tears from falling, and shrugged. “Because I don’t want to die. I did it because I didn’t want Tony to have the satisfaction of taking my life, but as I laid on the bathroom floor, I realized that was exactly what I did. I gave him the power by letting him control my actions.”

“When did you come to this realization? When did you decide that you don’t want to die.” He never took his eyes off mine, questioning me with a sympathetic voice and soft gestures. He didn’t make me feel intimidated or scared. In fact, he didn’t even make me feel ashamed—I did that all on my own.

“As I was dying,” I admitted in a whisper.

“So what are your plans after this? After you leave here, what do you plan to do with yourself?”

I looked to the ceiling and took in a deep breath. It felt like the first breath I had ever taken, and that’s when it hit me. I had died, and I was reborn. The old Charlotte, the one married to Tony was gone. In her place was a new me, and I could be anything I wanted. I was free and everything was new, fresh, ready for me to live.  That breath had, indeed, been my very first breath of my new life.

“I’m going to live. I’m going to love. And I’m going to be happy.”

“And what if your husband gets out of jail?”

“He won’t touch me. There’s a record now, and he can’t deny that. That was the one thing that lacked before. There was nothing to prove how evil he was and without that, no one would be able to protect me. But now there is.”

“And what if Sean doesn’t want to live, love, and be happy with you?”

I pulled my shoulders up to my chin, answering as honestly as I could. “I don’t know; it’s something I’ll have to find out when I get there. I’ve told you, I didn’t do this to myself because of Sean. And in a way, it wasn’t because of Tony, either. It was my way of asserting control in my life. I know that sounds ridiculous because I was taking away my life, but it was the last thing I could do for myself.”

“What do you plan to do the next time you need to gain control of your life?”

“That’s the difference, Doc. Before, my voice was never heard. I didn’t feel that anyone wanted to listen to me, but I know differently now. I have a voice and I will use it. I will take a stand against abuse and instead of silencing myself, I will yell from a mountaintop.”

“When did you find this insight?”

“Through hindsight. It’s twenty-twenty, right? As I was dying, it all became clear.”

The sincere doctor smirked, his shoulders shaking as he let out a laugh. “You are either incredibly smart and insightful, or very good at manipulating. Are you simply telling me what I want to hear, Charlotte?”

“I can see why you would question that, but I’m being truthful. I guess you can call it buyer’s remorse. I made a decision, thought about it, and then acted upon it. Once the deed was done, I questioned it. Yes, it was thought out, but it was still hasty. However, I don’t regret it.”

“And why is that? Why don’t you regret it?” he asked with genuine interest.

“Because it showed me how much I want to live. How much I don’t want to sit back and take the beatings or the humiliation. I want to fight back.”

He smiled, obviously content with my answers. “Okay then. You know if I take these restraints off, you will still be monitored?”

“That’s fine.”

“You’re okay with having a babysitter until you leave? You’re okay with consenting to seeking professional help once you get out of here?”

I nodded to both questions. “Do what you have to do, Doc. I’ll be fine.”

He stood and began to unbuckle the restraints on my bed. “If at any time anyone feels that you may become a threat to yourself, these will go back on. And it won’t stop with wrist ties. Do you understand?”

“I apologize, Doctor Woodruff, but I just need these things off me. I’ve been tied up for six years now. The last thing I want or need is to be shackled or treated like a victim. I’m tired of being a victim.”

He seemed pleased and let my arms loose. I immediately pulled my hands to my chest, holding them as close to my body as I could get them. I could hear the doctor speaking, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. I didn’t really care to listen to him, either. He finally walked out, leaving me to myself, and that’s when I let it all out.

I curled into a ball, tucking my arms into my body, and cried until I fell asleep.

I cried for who I used to be, for who I had turned out to be. I cried for my child that I let die because of my own weakness. I cried for Sean, for the love we had, for the love I hoped to continue to have, and for the possibility of never having it again. However, I didn’t cry for Tony. I didn’t cry for the crimes he committed against me or the person he had turned me into. No. That was my fault, and as such, it was my job to fix it.

I hadn’t lied to Doctor Woodruff. I meant every word. What I left out was the sense of hopelessness I had felt. The lack of self-worth that continued to flow through me, and the worry that I would never experience all I had told him I wanted to. I feared that I would never live, love, and be strong. That I would never find the happiness I yearned for myself. I was truthful when I had told him I wanted all of those things; however, I neglected to tell him how much I believed I wouldn’t achieve any of it.

But I let those thoughts fade into the background, becoming white noise as I drifted off to sleep, allowing myself one more moment of weakness with the promise that once I woke up, I would use my voice. I would find my strength and fight hard to be heard. That was the promise I made to the child I would never have.

***

I opened my eyes to the white room and groaned inwardly at the fact I hadn’t been dreaming. I was still inside the nightmare that was my life. The only comforting thing about it was seeing Sean there, staring at me as if he had been waiting for me to wake up.

“Hey, you,” he whispered as he moved to my side and kissed my forehead.

“What time is it?” I asked groggily.

“Almost dinner time. I went ahead and filled out your order form for you, I hope that’s okay. The choices weren’t that great, but I can run out and get you something if you’d like.”

He was lying in bed next to me, pulling me close to his body. I finally relaxed, feeling safe and happy with him. “Whatever you picked will be fine. I’m starving. It feels like I haven’t eaten in days.”

He pulled his head away and tilted my chin so that I could look at him. “Can we talk? Please? I don’t want you to get upset again, but I really need to talk to you.”

My stomach clenched and my heart dropped. I knew what he wanted to talk about, but feared he would decide to leave me. I didn’t want to deal with his rejection; I had felt it too many times before. I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

“Why? I just need to know why.” His tone was soft and desperate and I could feel his breath on my face. It was warm and calming, but it didn’t do anything to the nerves that ran through my body knowing what I would have to tell him.

“I just couldn’t handle it anymore.”

“But we were going to be together… I don’t understand.”

I shook my head and looked down at his chest, finding the courage to say the things I knew would change everything. “After I got off the phone with you, Tony called. We exchanged words… he wasn’t happy. Then, I found out I was pregnant. My period was a few days late, but I didn’t take it seriously. It had been late before. But I had tests in the bathroom from the last time it was late. I had taken one earlier that morning and then walked away, knowing it wouldn’t be positive. I ran to the bathroom to throw up after my talk with Tony, and that’s when I saw it.” I began to cry softly, remembering the empty feeling I had felt when seeing that bright blue plus sign staring up at me from the countertop. “I knew Tony would never let me go. I knew you said you couldn’t handle one more thing. And to be honest with you, I had reached my breaking point. I couldn’t handle one more thing, either.

“I was in a fog for the rest of the day. I cried more than I ever thought I could, and by the time I woke up in the morning, seeing sixty missed calls from Tony on my phone, I just did it.”

“You were pregnant?” he asked, the shock evident in his voice. His body went rigid and it sent a wave of worry through me.

I rested my forehead against his firm chest and nodded.

“Tony’s I take it?” he whispered and I nodded again. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you call me? Are you still…” Questions flew from his mouth into my hair, letting the last one hang in the silence.

I still couldn’t look at him. I shook my head, gathering the courage to speak. “I have done nothing but call you every time I need help. I couldn’t do it again. You couldn’t help me. You know Tony would have never let me go after that.” I finally pulled my head away and looked at him.

“He didn’t have to know about the baby—”

I cut him off. “I would never ask you to raise his child. I know you would never want that.”

Sean let out a sigh, his breath hitting my face. The resolve and truth were etched on his face, he couldn’t deny it. “I love you, Char. I would have supported any decision you would have made. So the baby didn’t make it?”

I couldn’t tell if there was hope or despair in his question… maybe a mix of both. “No. The baby didn’t make it.”

“How are you feeling about it?”

“Sean, I tried to kill myself because of it. How do you think I feel about it? I’m torn! No, I didn’t want his baby. But that doesn’t mean that I’m happy that I’ve essentially killed my own baby in the process. I can’t separate that in my head. The only way to deal with it was if I had died, too. Then I wouldn’t have to feel this emptiness.”

He reached up and wiped a tear from my face, his finger felt soothing on my skin. “But you’re alive. That’s the only thing that matters. They will be releasing you tomorrow and I’m going to take you home, to my house. I’m going tonight to get all of your things and then tomorrow, I’m taking you home. No more thinking about the past or yesterday, okay?”

“How do I move on from this, Sean?” I asked, feeling like it was the most honest question I had ever uttered.

“It’s easy, Char. Me and you, we’ll get through it. Just like we’ve gotten through everything else. Tony is in jail and he won’t be getting out. You’ll get your divorce and then I will put a ring on your finger. And the next time you see a positive pregnancy test, you will be crying happy tears. We’ll celebrate together, the way it should be.”

“You still want to be with me?” I don’t know why but I was surprised.

His eyebrows narrowed as he took me in. “Of course, Char. Nothing would ever keep me from wanting to be with you.”